I’ve been putting off posting about this since it happened, since it makes sense to me subjectively but I think it’ll make me sound like an idiot to everybody else. Heh. Like that would be new for this blog, right…
The last year I’ve had some truly amazing meditations. Many of them relate to what I’ve called ‘The Four’ since 1994 when ‘awareness’ of that kicked in. An oversimplistic way to explain The Four would be to say that I realized I am part of a deeper/larger identity. Its “primary components” are four identities (all living in different realities), one of which is what I know of as me.
I know 1994-2006 is a long time, but this concept was honestly so hard for me to get a grip on, just because it was so outside my belief systems, that I haven’t progressed nearly as fast with it as I do most things in meditation. Earlier this year, I finally accepted it… I thought I had, but realized when it finally DID happen, that I had only JUST totally taken it in.
Shortly following that, I was introduced to what I semi-humorously dubbed The Coalition (also sometimes called the Consortium). It was a whole group of identities — my mind seems to vary this from 16 to 32 — a few of which I can see clearly (one is Nero, whom I’ve mentioned previously in this blog), but most of which I can’t, which in my meditations means I am not sufficiently integrated with them.
I was so resistant to this expansion on the concept that even in the meditations, I clung to the chest of my mate of The Four like an intensely shy child, unwilling to open myself to that. It took many attempts before I could even begin to approach the idea with ‘meeting’ them and shaking their hand, never mind any kind of integration attempt. They are not the same as The Four. We are like the core, in a way. They are more like… an “extension” of that core; a larger pattern, which The Four are simply the central part of.
How this applies to my daily life, I can’t tell you. I have no freakin idea what value any of this weird junk might have or not have. It just “is what it is.” I don’t know what most of it means. I don’t know if it’s some bizarre creativity, some sublimated form of insanity, some allegory for more practical things. Who knows, seriously. Long ago I learned to just take this kind of thing at face value as it happened, and not try to assign too many assumptions to things or fit them into what others talk about.
Recently, I got really into this new music from a group called Evanescence that I hadn’t heard before. Although their album ‘Fallen’ is overproduced and a bit corporate rock in flavor, still I’m crazy about it. (I can give FTP info for friends who want to grab the MP3s.)
Early on while listening to this I decided to slip into a meditation (in the Tower, a part of my inner space that showed up [I didn’t consciously create it, but was directed there by my Senior of The Four]) which was fairly novel, doing a meditation to something akin to hard rock, as I normally have soundtracks or something soft on. But the emotion/power that the music invoked in me, which has always been a major element in driving my meditations, must have been just right — maybe that’s why I had the sudden urge to do it — and I actually succeeded in the first stage of truly allowing integration of The Coalition. Which is actually another way of just saying, working on my consciously accepting them. It isn’t totally complete, but passed a major barrier.
It was just neat music before this. After this meditation, though, I think part of me just flipped out. It was as if I could FEEL that somehow, my primary energetic-body extended several feet farther outside me than is normal. Now I am not normally aware of it to begin with, so I don’t know how I could be aware that it was many feet larger in diameter than normal, but that was my perception. I felt “denser inside” — as if the energy of me was greater, and more “condensed”.
The interesting thing is that, like the four, it’s all “part of me.” It isn’t like I have this sense that these ‘other’ identities ‘over there’ are present. It’s that I just “feel aware of a larger diversity of self inside”. And it isn’t like the diversity is new, that is the important thing. It is like this has ALWAYS been part of me, and I am simply becoming ‘aware’ of it whereas I never was before.
Since this recent meditation when I felt I finally integrated with them at the first level, for the first real time, and felt as if my energetic body was so much more thick and solid and larger, I’ve had a major personal shift in focus. Major.
Everything in my life literally faded into partly transparent behind a sudden obsessive interest in music. In singing, playing, songwriting, listening. Everything. Viewing, webwork, writing, all the things that are important to me, just dropped into near invisibility behind a passion for music.
The ironic thing is that music was my entire LIFE from 5th grade on, and especially from age 15 on. From age 5 I intended to do that as my ‘life’ and living. From age 18 on it was a major dichotomy that I wanted to do my music, but wanted to keep my ‘responsible’ job-life because that’s what made my dad proud. The conflict internally was massive. Hours every day for years and years on music, it was my life.
In my early 20s, 22-24, I took a couple years to really focus on hypnosis and such, self-therapy I knew I needed. Between my work and school schedule, I had no time for anything. I wrote jazz songs in the car acapella, commuting 4.5 hours a day mostly on the 405 in Los Angeles… if anything could make a person insane…! During that period I gained a really sudden and major amount of weight, which in retrospect is not all that surprising. By the time I came home a couple years later, I was horrified, having been so sleep deprived and stressed out I was kind of half-oblivious about it while it happened. I went on a formal ‘diet’ to the extreme. And, because it turns out I am genetically very sensitive to carbohydrates and intolerant to gluten, a typical diet composed of high-carb and whole grains did nothing but make me gain more weight and feel lousy. (Most people are clueless about the things that really make people fat. It isn’t nearly as much about calories as about how your body reacts to what you eat, at least in some people’s case.) Half the women in my family are huge and have spent many decades chronically dieting to little result.
After just barely getting over the urge to put a bullet in my head over how this annihilated all my music plans, because I wouldn’t get on stage anymore (I didn’t want to leave the house, let alone go to the mall, let alone perform!), I finally decided to accept it rather like someone who’d lost a limb in a car accident or something, and move on with the life it left me. I became a workaholic in a major way, and I pretty much put a hard suppression on the whole music thing that had rushed through me like a river up until then. I couldn’t do it halfway. I can’t do anything halfway. So it had to just cease entirely. That was what, 17 years ago. A lifetime.
So recently (13 weeks ago) I went on lowcarb, and have been very steadily losing weight. It’s just stupid how I could have not known about this 17 years ago. Talk about giving up your life for ignorance. The minute I quit eating stuff I was mildly allergic to and dropped my carb intake, the weight just started falling off. It will be a long time before I’m anything like the weight I want to be, mind you, but it’s a start. And I suppose it’s possible that this part of why I am digging into psychology that I haven’t touched in a long, long time.
I’m obsessed. With music. For the last… ten days, I have done almost nothing but listen to music, and sing a little, and as of yesterday when I finally got one of my guitars cleaned up and re-strung, playing. No webwork. No viewing. No writing. Almost no communications with friends even. I don’t even visit my web own projects except like once a week for 2 minutes. Everything, but everything, just suddenly became… well not unimportant, but “unimportant within the larger scheme of things.” And the only thing that feels important in that larger picture of me is music.
And I think it’s The Coalition’s fault. I think this is essentially the much larger picture of what I am inside, and that my hard suppression of music was partly a suppression of energies they are composed of — and when I accepted that into me and it “came into manifestation” as part of me, all those parts of me I’d buried were there again. As intense as they were when I buried them. Like a suppressed memory that when it comes back, is as strong as if it just happened… this like a suppressed drive-focus that is as strong as it was when locked away.
Of course, after 17 years of not playing or singing, I suck. 🙂 This doesn’t really bother me. Music was always my primary talent, and I’m sure I can pick it up again.
Why I would want to even bother picking it up again at age 41 is beyond me. That’s way too old to do anything with it really; particularly for women, the industry is geared to youth. But even if it’s nothing more than fun, than local coffeehouses and street singing at some point, even if I don’t pursue it the way I intended when young, I don’t think it would be possible for me to suppress this again. I’m just going to have to trust that if this is what I really need at the moment, that I’ll let it carry me forward and expect that there will be some value to it, even if only health and state of mind.
17 years ago I gave my dad my Fender amp and ‘loaned’ him back the old original Les Paul signature guitar he gave me for my 18th birthday (it had been his guitar) and all the other various music equipment I had, save for three other guitars (Goya 6 string [division of Martin, not as nice as Martin but good tone, dreadnought]; Degas spanish flattop, and Takemine 12 string). He uses the Paul for some of his gigs (he’s C&W, the one kind of music I am not, ironically– he plays steel too, and vocals, but specializes in lead guitar and chet-atkins style) so I don’t want to take that back yet. So yesterday I went online to Musician’s Friend and bought a decent iBeam acoustic pickup, a little Roland 30W cube amp, a decent Sennheiser vocal mike and stand, and some misc. things. Cost too much money but there you go, I’m obsessed and broke — a real musician, HAHA.
Two things I found I’m dying for now but won’t be able to afford for a long time: A Dean 12 string bass — you can play guitar as well as bass on it, it looks awesome — and a ‘pocket’ trumpet, shortened length, over-wound more like a french horn, looks SO cool. OK, my trumpet playing even at its height sounded like a camel in heat I admit, but trumpet is the best and fastest vocal warmup on earth.
Long ago when the world was young, I played acoustic rock — this combines lead and rythym and finger picking in one approach, so you can try and express the larger potential of a song in a solo acoustic performance — it’ll be awhile before I can do much I figure, I can’t even remember my own songs (I had *hundreds* of them — I remember a few, that’s all). I managed to remember most of the simple finger-picking songs I used for tuning for years (you know, the guitar basics — blackbird, dust in the wind, blue finger, classical gas, etc.) although my clarity sucks. (At one point I bellowed in disgust, “Oh my GOD. My FINGERS are FAT!” sending my husband in the other room into peals of laughter. I was too grouchy to see the humor until later…)
But there it is. I’ve abruptly dropped everything else I’ve been involved in for years, and I totally don’t care about much of anything anymore except my kid, my music, and my job. I assume that since Remote Viewing is so much a part of my life the last dozen years, that this will come back in once the initial obsession with music mellows a little, but who knows?
Gotta get back to work here.