I came back from a business trip in what might be one of the worst moods of my life.
I’m only mad at me, not anybody else. Of course, that’s the worst thing, since self anger tends to become depression at the speed of light. I’ve managed to keep it in anger form at least partially, with effort.
I went to read various email RV lists I am on. I so didn’t care that it took physical willpower. I tried to read the TKR board which I haven’t read any but one thread on in many days, and so didn’t care that I totally gave up and went away. I started to look at the variety of email that has come in through my contact form related to RV sites I run, but so didn’t care that I just sat here staring blankly at the screen.
I want to be what is me. I feel like I am a small core buried at the bottom center of a gigantic life filled with not-me that I wade through and carry around and live in the middle of every day.
I love my body but I hate the shape it’s in. I love my kid but I hate the lack of consistency I have with her and what it’s done for discipline and other issues. I love my friends but today I feel like I wouldn’t wish myself on them if I really did. I love my little house but it’s 80% stored crap that has no serious value to me besides not wanting to throw it away because it cost money.
And I love remote viewing, the practice, but everything that is associated with it online is about on par with the stuff filling my house. It has real value to someone. It had value to me at one point. It might again. But right now it is just clutter when I want to feel a minimalist, clean, mostly empty environ in my life. I’m starting to feel like every part of my life mirrors my body, like some holographic issue that plays out in every imaginable manifestation of a person.
I feel selfish. I want to just let go of the extra weight on my body. I want to just let go of a whole ‘nuther round of junk in my house. I want to just let go of all the things that distract me online, that in general take my time, and for what.
Whatever it’s been for, it hasn’t been for me, and it’s a funny thing, maybe it’s some side effect of spending more time remote viewing, or of being so angry about not having my body or life or house or motherhood be what I want it to be, but recently my altruism for everybody else’s viewing started dying off at the speed of light. When the center of my universe was what I felt was good for RV, the world looked different.
Now that I am starting to feel like my own life, body, environment, and viewing, are the most important things in my world (better late than never, I hope), now that viewing and my immediate life are in fact being moved to the center of my universe, the picture of what is important, and even of what matters, looks pretty different.
I want to view. Mother. Get in better shape. Write. Work. Improve my house. I seem to be lacking interest in just about everything else in the universe.
And I guess getting away for a few days, has helped underline for me what ought to be important in my life vs. what is. I should skip posting in public RV social areas and go exercise for godssakes. On the scale of what is important to my life, these priorities need to be rearranged.