I was supposed to post this day before yesterday. I forgot about 20 times. Then I went to post it last night and I kid you not, I was sitting in bed with my laptop and I clicked the link to come to the admin for this blog and that’s the last thing I remember. I woke up an hour later — I had someone sitting in an IM box! — admitted I had rather weirdly passed out very suddenly, between one click and another, and just went to sleep instead.
Now I’m taking a break from work just to get it posted. It’s so boring and unimportant I can’t imagine why I might be in denial of posting about it, unless it’s some subconscious reaction, or maybe just that it seems gross and it would be so much groovier if all my experiences could be something that makes me look really cool, man. Heh.
My friend tells me I am so hip I am square, or so square I am hip. I wonder when my friends will just admit I am a total weirdo-nerd and that’s just the way it is.
In keeping with being socially unacceptable…
So I keep forgetting the ‘wall of fear’ exists, in stasis in the tower room, total denial. Then something reminds me that I have to get back to that. I just haven’t felt like I had any idea how to deal with it. And the dark side of it was just gross and terrifying. So… time marches on. I’m the Queen of denial, no news there.
Day before yesterday I decided to do an archmed and ask to work with the arch who would best help me deal with the wall of fear… who knows how. I trust IG to work out the details. But I couldn’t really see the arch well at all, typical of those I have the most problems with. And sometimes when I almost saw it I would feel fear lurch in my gut and I would find myself breathing hard all the sudden and find something really urgent I needed to do that was not meditating.
Finally after ditching the process in the middle like 2 or 3 times I think, I came back determined to finish it. I stare at the space where I know the arch is but I can only feel him and not really see him, aside from a general impression of blobbiness. I did once get the impression of a head that had all the components but all totally separate like Mr. Potato Head but that kind of grossed me out so I didn’t pay attention to that anymore, which might explain why he got less visible instead of more as time went on.
So we’re there, in my inner space, and I have no idea what to do with him. I just don’t really feel any ideas whatever. Normally the spontaneous ideas I have are, I assume, an equal part of the process. I was not feeling very idea-prone. I finally asked him if he would walk with me a bit, and I held his hand of sorts, and we walked a bit around the field by the tree where IG is.
I told him how I really wanted to work with him but was clueless where to begin and in denial besides, and would appreciate his help. Then I had the idea that maybe we should go check out the cave. This had never occurred to me before. The cave is like a part of my outer-inner world (wait, that sounded confusing…) — the space where “outer guides” and such are found. Through the cave and out an archway on the side, I’m in another world. That world is the “inner” world where archetypes go.
True, I have brought outer guides into my inner space, more than once. The first time I did that, the guide seemed totally in awe. The next time I showed up to meditate there were like 20 people I’d never seen before all hanging around that guy, all rowdy, like he’d brought his college dorm or something. I had to keep telling them to pipe down, but I took them too. Now and then I’ve taken another. I always wonder how it comes off to them. They seem to find it really novel. But I’d never thought of bringing an archetype into any part of the outer-guide space.
(I think this is part of what’s frying my brain about putting RV and archmeds in the same context. That to me, RV is totally outer-world-HERE, and archmeds are totally inner-world-THERE, and it’s a stretch to see how they could meet.)
So I said, “Wanna go check out the cave? Maybe pick a door, see what’s inside?” He said sure. So we went into the cave to the point where it V’s off and he said, “Left.” So we went left, down a long hall with doors on right side, and then suddenly there was this doorway that instead of a door, just led to a hall, but the hall instantly veered in a curve and went sharply downward. He wanted to go that way, and he seemed to know where he was going, so I asked him if he did. He thought that was funny for some reason but didn’t answer. We go around this long curve of stone floor, going pretty deeply down, and finally we reach the bottom.
Just off the ‘curve’ is what seems to be a pond or pool of water. I ask if this is right and he nods yes, and we go along the little side near us over to the left side which has lots of space, and we sit down there and he points at the water, which is like a big rectangular pool going back into a deeper cavern, and he says, “Watch.” Just then there is this odd sound, and the water level starts dropping rapidly, and ALL the water literally drains out of the area, and I can see that the lowest part was actually over at the other side, and there were these three big tubes like sewage pipes that apparently connected as I could see their opening at the bottom-side on the other side, and all the water really rapidly drained into them and then from all around, the pool refilled with clean water, really fast.
I looked at this, I looked at the guide, and then I said, “Oh my God. It’s a toilet!!” and I just cracked up. I mean of all symbols to get! But it very obviously was, although very very big and my impression was that this was literally part of my biological body, symbolic of it anyway. It appeared the water occasionally ‘flushed’ whether there was any visible need of it to or not.
Then he said, “We are here for the wall of fear. We can deal with some of it here.” I said, “But how? It’s way over in the tower.” He looked at me. I realized I am a moron. Man, sometimes I’m SO dim… so I visualized it appearing in the air, intact, above the water.
He said ok, easy does it, and he–and me, sort of helping when I realized what he was doing–let the far left side of the wall, which was about a foot thick and maybe 10 feet high, open up like a door on it opened, and the worst of the wall, the utterly black stuff, started coming out.
Sort of. Not only was it sludge, but it was nearly solid in places, and I could feel that ‘pieces’ in it were hard as rocks. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I felt nauseated and wondered if a meditation could make me throw up.
I did a major effort to ask for energy to hit this stuff and make it chemically inert, and break up the solid pieces, etc. and I could feel the rush of the energy so at least that part was working. Even though it was a big pool of water, it could only take so much.
The water had some property where it really absorbed into anything dropped in it, so as to make everything thinner and flushable. When the water maxxed out in that regard, we stopped, and it flushed. It was gross. The clean water filled up, and we did it again. Many times, over and over, through the horrible black stuff, then through the just gross brown stuff, and finally we reached the point where red was visible, the red of the fear, and he said (now that the ‘toxic and toxin’ part was gone), whether I dealt with the rest of the fear this way or some other way was optional.
As we were on a roll I chose to deal with as much of it as I could this way, and we got the red all the way up to about the yellow-red of cowardice before we stopped the major flushing, rinsed out the part of the lucite-like wall where all the rest had been, and closed it.
I sat looking at it for a bit, at the wall of what fear was left. I understood that all this other fear-energy, the various shades and meanings of the “red roiling energy” inside the wall, was something that I actually had options about and could deal with in other ways. For example I could really work on transmuting it, improving its frequency level (for lack of a better concept) until it was no longer fear, or at least not so serious. I thought about just dumping it all out here and wondered what that would mean.
“What would it mean if I just dump it all?” I asked the arch. “Would it be denial?” He shook his head, and into my mind came a memory of an experience I had a long time ago (online, ‘searching for fear’ here). (Wow now I see it was exactly 13 years ago I had that experience. Holy cow! I’m getting old!) I remembered explaining that experience, with the understanding that when I truly “released” my fear, that energy which had been part of me, left me, and essentially became independent. When that happened, it was as if I was “smaller” without it. Literally I had given up a part of myself.
I realized that is why it’s so hard to let go of fear. It is part of us just like good emotions are. And I think all things have a primal, spirit-level urge toward growth, toward absorption-expansion, and that is sort of contrary to that drive. “But it doesn’t help to be bigger, if the extra is all ugly,” the arch said. “If you let go of that, it’s true you would be much smaller. But maybe you would be better able to grow in good ways, without all that.” I nodded.
And then I realized that this is the situation with being overweight, as well. In terms of creating reality, and living in the body of our beliefs as Seth puts it. It is a part of ourselves. As Reich put it, as “body armor,” it is very likely a lot of fear used as protection. Yes, we would be smaller if we let it go. But…
I called back the wall and said that’s it! I’m dumping the whole damn thing into the water! The arch laughed. I opened up the long-side of the wall, the flat face of it, and held it out over the small lake, while forcing it to flush repeatedly. When it was done, I imagined rinsing out the inside of the wall.
There was still some fear-energy in there but not much. I figured that meant I have to deal with that part of it in some other way. I imagined the wall shrinking down to fit what was left, and it became a flattish oval shape that reminded me of “Mirror mirror, on the wall…” a funny sync to my thoughts about fear and extra weight.
That seemed like what we came for. So I took its hand and we went around the edge and hiked back up the long curving slanted route back up to the end of a long hallway, and down that to where the cave V’d, and into the cave and then over the little bridge that spans the creek and out the door and back into the archetypal realm. We went back to IG and it was time for the arch to leave.
We shook hands. I could sorta seem him then. Seemed… relatively normal. “Water.” he said. “Drink water.” And then he was gone.
I shrugged at IG and wrapped it all up to be done with.
Pretty disgusting as a process, but it did seem fairly, er, ventingly-useful.
Got me thinking about being overweight though, one of the few plagues of my life. Thinking about Seth saying we live in the body of our beliefs. Thinking about it being hard to let go of fear because it is an equal part of us. I’m thinking now, what are all the things that I believe, that I will not let go of, that I am essentially “wearing” in my body?