Long before I discovered a whole consortium or coalition of identities that composed me, I’d had the experience of having ‘different parts of me inside’ seem to have different opinions on things. Anybody who’s ever been made passive/aggressive by some ongoing situation knows what it’s like to feel like you are fighting yourself. Or anybody who’s ever dealt with self-sabotage, or things like that. We all have many perspectives. The problems start when one is not fully dominant. When, essentially, the inner opinions are at war for dominance.
My reality is falling apart especially in the area of ‘communication’. The number of reality-symbols related to an issue there, as if my inner world is forcing me back to myself and I’m resisting, would be hilarious if they weren’t really annoying up close. At this point it’s almost astronomically unlikely that the things which have occurred would all occur together. As if some pattern is imposed upon reality.
Humor: while typing this paragraph my keyboard freaked out and my computer died. I’m finishing it on a borrowed computer two days later. I rest my case!
In some previous meditations I’ve referred to some part of me that on occasion will just step forward and DO something — usually something very commanding, and I perceive this as the Senior’s energy. I have seen some of that in recent experiences where I actually worry about pulling in the largers any further, only to have an emotionless command force it with the power of all-authority somehow. Some part of me is driving this and I assume if I were in proper rapport, I would know it is for my own good. Uh. I think.
Since my computer broke Saturday evening and I can’t get to the VPN that allows me to do 99% of my job — so I am doing other things waiting for my own replacement laptop to arrive — I thought I would blog about yesterday’s meditation work.
I have pretty much not meditated for what will be 12 weeks mid this week. This after making a gigantic commitment to IG, to let her drive two meds a day as she chose every day for an extended period, as she wanted to do some larger-pattern things.
Of course the risk of the larger-pattern things is that you open all those energies in your life. So if you walk away for three months, they are wreaking havoc on your reality, and you’re not only not swimming with the current, you’re not even treading water, because you’re ignoring it. I understood yesterday that I’m in the open kaleidescope of it all, already. I made the commitment, I opened the door to the beginning. That I promptly walked away from it — or rather, took up working 20 hours a day 7 days a week so it became impossible — is my fault, not IG’s.
Yesterday I spent much of the day actually trying to meditate. I would start, and then pass out. I would wake up understanding that I had been working on stuff at the dream level. This happened half a dozen times before finally I was able to pull together ‘contact’ with everyone and stay awake for it — the Aeons, the Largers, the Four, God and IG — and oddly a new focus on the 5-6-7 of the 4 (the larger entities we combine to) which I’ve only really done once or twice before.
I actually had the Aeons with me and began a very archetypal thing with IG, but she just took us to a castle where the Four were, and that was that. Oh, and Ithikah and Nedlund were in human form for the first time and Laelee was right there with everyone else. That was kinda novel.
I have reformed my eating habits as of yesterday and I’m hoping to get more done around the house this week than in the last 3 months, as I’m hoping to take some actual time off every day now. As well as some time to meditate. It has been unhealthy, this 16-20/7 work schedule, it’s insane, and it’s ruining my life on so many levels.
I’m going to have to trust that if I take time for prayer/meditation my job is not going to implode.