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I haven’t meditated in what feels like forever. I didn’t for awhile, and then the last time I tuned into the Four, the 3rd started talking about the things I’m calling Sylph, and I didn’t remember any of the important part right after, and I felt pissed off about it for days.

Maybe because it felt like it’s boring as dirt with them for so long and then the minute I sort of disconnect, they get interesting.

Maybe because I’d like to make contact with something I can at least touch and see and get something useful out of the relationship.Why couldn’t they connect me with the devics of cats or rocks or something. I do appreciate that since I’d actually sort of communicated with those creatures before, albeit I assumed “it was my imagination,” that maybe it seemed I’d absorb that better or whatever. Still. I’m reminded of how part of my brain, it wants to know what good any of this is doing me.

Maybe because when Senior and the Queen showed me how I was fighting fiercely against everything the 3rd was trying to bring through to me, I realized how unspiritual and unevolved I am. Compared to them I’m a complete dolt.

Maybe it’s because I realized that my less than ideal self affects not just me but them too, and I’m pissed about the obligation. I want access to everything but responsibility for none of it, apparently.

*

Speaking of what feels like forever, a ridiculously long time ago — many, many years, I think maybe 9-12 years ago — I had this dream about this man. It was kind of brief. We were totally connected, spiritually, and I felt he was in my world. I didn’t see him well, but got the ‘sense’ of him. I wildly guessed maybe mid-50’s (a lot older than me at the time). He had grey or white hair, and he was in an airport at that moment, and I got that he spent a ton of time on planes, that’s what he did, some kind of businessman and he was constantly flying around.

He was reading an article about something in a magazine that he found fascinating and thought I would too. He left it for me on a desk in my house, which was also his house — we were mates — with a note on it, saying he thought I’d really like it. It felt as if we were connected, and we always had been, and we always would be.

For a long time I wondered about it. It didn’t feel like ‘just’ a dream, it felt like a person *here.*  Many years later, when I came to understand that the identity I called the blonde-me (the 3rd) was what you might call an energy, that was present in *many* bodies as we all are, I wondered if it was some aspect of him, alive in my world.

I’ve wondered for years if it was really just a dream and I made too much of it, foolishly. I’ve wondered and wished that if he were real, someday I’d meet him. I guess I long for that, the way that anybody who hasn’t met someone they think is their forever-mate for this focus-identity, does.

It’s been a super long time. Never had any other indications.

I dreamed about him the other night. It was actually so brief and unremarkable that it seems odd, as if it should be a bigger deal, as if it should have been some glorious drama. I guess I’m not 100% sure it’s the same man, but 99%. I wasn’t really connected to him in this one, like the last one.

In the dream, we were in some public place indoors with many people, like a big party, art gallery, whatever. I was standing near the center of the room, and he was standing farther up in the room nearer one of the doors, back against the wall. He had some kind of drink in his hand, and he was casually talking to a couple people. I ‘remembered’ that I had spoken with him a few times briefly this evening. I was crazy about him.

To my right, I suddenly noticed a woman, who I now think might have been the Queen just by the feel of her, but at the time I just perceived as a woman I knew well. She said to me, “What do you think of him?”  Meaning that man. I said in response, “Well, if I were a lot thinner, I think I would have already tackled him.” I thought that was slightly amusing (the tackling part). I noticed ‘her’ then, not anything about what she looked like, but that she was looking at me with a concerned expression, and I felt it related to my reference to my weight. As if this clearly inhibited me, and maybe that was a problem. I felt she had some judgement about it she wasn’t sharing with me.

Then I woke up. I thought about it for a little bit. It made me conclude that I need to make a bigger effort to lose some more weight now. It does seem obvious, not just from that, that how I feel about men (in a romantic sense) has a lot more to do with how I feel about myself, than how I feel about them.

*

I sometimes read ats.com (Above Top Secret forum). I use the ‘RedCairo’ avatar/identity there. I was looking through some pics ref’d off a thread there about the disaster in hungary I believe it is, where massive, massive toxic waste from aluminum refining, “red sludge,” broke a dam holding tank and flooded this area. There are several slide shows online with photos of this. Looks a lot like any other serious flood — houses and cars sometimes pushed over/downhill/up-trees and destroyed, mudline several feet up in the now-mostly-drained houses, and so on.

Except it isn’t mud, it’s red sludge, ridiculously toxic, not just now but for a long time.

I was going through these pics when all the sudden, I just felt like: That’s enough! This is bullshit! We should not be putting up with the endless horrific destruction that corporations — and yes ‘evil’ is the only word for something that exists solely to drain resources out of all for the good of a tiny few — that care nothing for the secondary effects and sometimes calamities of what they do. And no, I don’t buy that this has to happen because we all need aluminum or oil. That’s crap: we can invent other things. We use these in everything because we have *allowed* ourselves to do so, despite the cost on several levels.

If we didn’t have that, if tomorrow all of it vanished, yes it’d be a real big bother, but we would adapt, and we would make it work, and we would invent something else. We’re good that way. I have utter faith in our ability to do that. When I see pictures of natural disasters, I feel it is very tragic, but I don’t feel like this. This is something born solely, I think, of the realization that this is manmade, and completely inexcusable.

There is no money, there is no sorry, that makes up for stuff like this or the gulf event.

There’s an unspoken rule among humans, or among the halfway intelligent ones anyway: if you can’t fix it, don’t get yourself into the position where you can break it. If you’re visiting a friend’s home and they have a coffee mug designed by their late father, or a necklace given them by their late son, you would never, ever use it. You wouldn’t borrow it. You would avoid it even if you were there and sharing their stuff. Because if you lose it, if you break it, you can’t fix it. Money can’t fix it, even if you had it.  Even fixing it, gluing that cup back together, buying one just like it, isn’t fixing the source of the problem.

I think maybe humans should have a rule like that for corporations and that includes governments. If the damage of an accident can’t be fixed, then don’t freakin do it in the first place. If the only place for a nuclear plant is the midst of the sahara, then dig a deep hole and put it there, but don’t build it in a neighborhood, like Chernobyl, and then pointedly not even tell the locals when it melted down so they and their kids could leave. Don’t pile massive toxic sludge reservoirs uphill of communities. This is criminal and it’s as retarded as those signs that tell people not to put their body out of the car sunroof when it’s in motion. Like who the hell shouldn’t know that already.

It occurred to me that if some person had gone into a community and drowned a few family dogs and wrecked all the homes and plants and made it toxic for so many years and just ruined the lives of all these people, and let’s add all the health issues of the future thanks to the experience to that, we would consider them not just a terrorist, but a mass murderer, a heinous criminal. Oh but when it’s a corporate/government accident it’s just “bummer, man.”

*

As I was looking at the pics, and finished thinking all that, I had the thought, angrily:

They should have their part in this amazing game taken away for their complete inconsideration for all the life forms they affect.

A voice inside me — Aeons, I’ll just call it ‘them’ — said:

Like people die of disease, when they do the same thing to their bodies.

That confused me. They were talking about a person but I was talking about, you know, all the people involved and the actual corp/gov’t, in major disasters like these.

Me: What? Oh. Well, I don’t think these things are comparable.

Them: Why not?

Me: Well — well this is just nasty stuff, it does all kinds of damage all over.

{I had the impression they were saying I’d just described soda (regular or diet) without trying, plus gluten and bad oils and so on.}

Me: Well ok maybe bad stuff gets ingested, but it’s not like it’s — well — it’s not like destroying whole organs — um.

I had to think about that. Just earlier, I had been talking to a friend in email, and saying that maybe when people get disease they have lots of warnings, they just don’t recognize them, or are in denial. Maybe their body talks to them via all kinds of aches and dreams and they space it out. And actually, organs like pancreas (via carbs/sugar) and liver (via fructose) and kidneys ARE literally destroyed by stuff people intake.

Me: OK, but there is a difference between a liver and a town.

Them: Are you sure? How much difference? How are they different?

Me: Oh come on! It’s like —

Just then I reached a picture of men shoveling this crap, and this was after I had seen several pictures of people, looking sick and sad, working in that area.

Me: These guys. Look at them. Their whole life is screwed now. Their homes, their whole city destroyed, they’re literally dying a little as they are trying to clean things up, it’s a nightmare for them. All that misery, all that death.

Them: They are like the cells.

Me: You mean, like my liver cells, pancreas cells, white blood cells, all the things that get damaged by bad intake of stuff?

Them: Yes.

Me: But — but these are people with a good life ruined. That is not the same as a cell. Their JOB is to clean stuff up in our bodies.

Them: Is it?

Me: Well of course it is! That’s what they DO, right? We damage a liver, and various cells do X or Y as a result. So, that’s their job.

Them: Like cleanup is the job of these guys.

Me: No, that’s not their job, that’s just what they get stuck doing! It sucks for them! Someone has to do it. They’re the guys in the position to handle it if it happens.

Them: Do you wonder what cells would be doing if they were NOT mopping up the mess from ingesting toxic food and drink?

OK I admit I hadn’t. I also admit that doesn’t strike me as all that interesting. Unless what they’re doing is. But I have no idea.

It occurred to me that maybe I expect every cell in my body to live for no other reason than to clean up the mess I made and damage I did it. Which made me (I realized was their whole point) the corporation-of-palyne.  I don’t eat well because I love my body and want my organs to be happy; if I eat well it’s because I want to look or feel better. It’s all about me, in other words. Not about a sense of responsibility to the avatar that supports my existence in this amazing game. Even though I exist in part to serve it — I provide food/energy, etc. Just like the companies doing this destruction lately ‘serve’ the people they just destroyed.

Me: But the problem here is this CAN’T be fixed, you see? It’s too much.

Them: And eventually, something in the body can’t be fixed either. Whether it comes at once or over time, does that change the result?

Me:  No, I don’t think it matters, I guess. A big toxic spill is technically as bad when it’s slow as when it’s fast. But when did this change from a conversation to a sermon? Are you pissed about my eating crappy food? Fine, maybe it was annoying to my pancreas and liver. And gut or whatever. Maybe it killed some cells or something. This hardly seems like a spiritual issue to me.

Them: There is no difference.

Me: They’ll be fine, right?

Them: It is a relatively small issue with each individual action, yes. But your physical health, as you have been told before, has a good deal to do with how well you handle the energetic demands of your usual focus. Your body is already challenged, which ought to be obvious. If you continue the cascade of toxic input, you will be more permanently in the situation of the careless killer you were thinking about.

Me: I get it.

*

Coincidentally, maybe, the kid and I are doing a 4 week re-entry into decent eating. I’ve been feeling lately more like I’m screwing up in some way, like it’s a bigger deal than it used to be when I’m not eating well, etc.

I don’t have so much an eating plan as a collection of principles. Everyone pursuing them has different ones they consider most important, and different degrees of fulfillment of the ideal. I like this blogger because these are the same principles viewed the same way. He agrees with me so he must be a genius right, haha. http://www.paleonu.com/get-started. I still eat ‘some’ dairy (cheeses and butter, and sometimes other things), I’m working to reduce that over time. I don’t eat much in the way of ‘organ’ meat and only beef.  And my weight lifting is at zero and needs to re-begin. Aside from that, if I am eating decently, that page describes my general goals.

I guess I need to get back to meditating, obviously. I feel as if I’ve had a rather nice break from it. I feel more peaceful now. During much of the time I haven’t been, my physical/personal life has been having major issues, and it feels as if I can only focus truly on one thing at a time. So it’s all good.

P