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It was some time ago — a few days, internet time and weird sleep schedule means I can’t say better than that — that yet again I felt very strongly driven by the question:

Why did they die for me?

I mean the Four (well the other 3), in the crucifixion experience (The Crucifixion of the Trinity). It keeps “recurring” that this “symbol” which has such powerful, bawling emotion for me, so many times now even rereading it or sometimes even thinking about it in passing, is something I need to understand. And the last time this came through as something very important for me was when I was really with the Four a lot and it seemed to clearly come from that exposure.

I went to google search and into my head came the word “COPTIC.” Almost audibly. So I typed in that, and it was no surprise that eventually I ended up at the same old gnostic docs which are the only other place I have ever seen reference to the 4, the 12, and so on.

I skimmed some of it again. It’s still confusing. There is the 4, then the 12, and I get those, especially with the whole thing about one of them being ‘hidden away’ and the 4 having shown me as ‘panels of light’ and so on, but in these materials those 4 and 12 are like cosmic, definitely not personal. There are below that, some other groupings, 3 of them, that total 30 — note the correspondence with the 30 Aethyrs of Enochian workings. Still, that also seems like it’s a level way ‘above’ humans. So, that was no more enlightening about anything.

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But as a side effect I had a zillion opened tabs of various things I found possibly interesting, or pictures I liked, so then I spent a long time just skimming a ton of sites and blogs, and eventually came to the conclusion:

There are a lot of totally freakin crazy people out there.

Every borderline and over-the-borderline schizophrenic must have a blog. Apparently it’s a rule. You get a label-diagnosis, a prescription for some kind of medication, and a blog address. Like a package deal. Imagine how many people are not doing weird shit because they’re busy blogging.

Don’t look at me… I have no label. I’m highly functional. Allegedly that makes me sane.

The content of all these is such chaos, such word salad blendered crap from all over, that by the time I had finished going through all the tabs, I was literally exhausted. It looks like the insane-r people in the remote viewing field. You get these sessions and they’ve got album lyrics and pictures from all over and newspaper clippings and it’s like what a session might look like if done as a ransom note. Whole websites look like that.

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Eventually, and I can’t remember now how or why I got there, but I was at the Urantia book site. Urantia book was trance-channeled in the 1940s and published in the 1950s.

I’ve long refused to read that, after starting (in print) once and getting completely fed up with it being the single most boring recitation of the universe as a bureaucratic administration I ever encountered in my life.  The only reason I’d even begun (maybe 2002 or so), was that eons ago when I put Bewilderness online in 1996, some Urantia group of people were reading it and some were sending me comments, saying they felt there were some correspondences.

But after some trying to wade through it — and I speed read mind you, and even my “normal” reading speed for pleasure (much slower) can still read a 700-1200 page book in a long day — but even I couldn’t stand it. I put it away. I probably still have it around here somewhere.

I was so web-traumatized from hours and hours and hours of chaotic insanity, that for that moment, something very organized and linear actually sounded pretty good. Probably the only possible way I could have ever been crazy enough to feel like reading that, is having suffered all that first. So I began reading. Skimming, to be far more accurate.

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My subtitle for book 1 of Urantia is:

THE BEAN-COUNTER’S GOD:

A Mind-Numbingly Tedious Exposition
on Reality as a Big, Big, Big, Big, Big Government

I have no comment as to my sense of its accuracy. I really can’t see that any of us know anything which would allow some yardstick for measure or evaluation. Anybody can call the various things in the universe anything they like, and divide them any way they like.

It does not have any reference to the sentience of all things, or the pervading sentience, unless its 7/10 divisions of everything constitute a sort of tarot in that regard.

I’m actually “reading” the book 2 part, which is the evolution of earth (urantia). I’ll write a separate post on that although there is probably too much to bother writing about in detail.

PJ