Since IG meetday nobody inside has talked to me.
This merely made me feel oddly calm and determined. I went to all my aeons and chakras and said you are MINE! And to Mark as well. I have sat with the Four. In fact, I’ve spent more time with my inner world since this occurred than in the previous several months. As if in some kind of grim-rebellion and refusal to allow that close-out.
But to be fair, I have not felt closed out. In fact I’ve felt as if everyone was paying attention, plenty of it, and there was nothing negative. They were just on purpose, for whatever reason, remaining silent. But when I have interacted with them, they do interact with me, there is no resistance, and they were plenty present. I don’t really understand the why of all this, but I am not complaining.
I feel more calm and grounded and centered for some reason.
Meanwhile, I had a dream about nine days ago I was supposed to blog but didn’t. There’s a past period of my life, after a time when I was deeply involved with hypnotic stuff formally and informally, when I believe I was part of a clandestine little effort run partly by a man I’d known in that world. This is not really a complaint, just an observance. For all I know I volunteered. Anyway, this resulted in a lot of MPD symptoms during a period I call Bewilderness and, starting about a decade later, a gradual uncovering of some truly horrible spontaneous memories, which were apparently part of forcibly creating MPD and some of the results. Let’s just say it’s not a pretty process. And, many of the memories involve weapons and guys in khakis. I call the whole bundled topic ‘alter psychology,’ although it includes a lot of related stuff. Any memories or dreams in this category, which has a certain ‘feel’ I recognize, I have a hard time with. It is deep and disturbing for me.
In brief summary, there was this cycle going on with me. Two identities would ‘come live in the back of my house where I didn’t see them or know they were there’ during which they would do various things with me, variations they came up with themselves based on a starting theme that changed each time. This was a cycle of maybe a month, a couple weeks, not sure. They’d record my responses, like how I reacted to some things, how they got me to do some thing, like a subtle experimental process. But they never reported them now because there was no longer anybody to report them to, but this automatic cycle, this process, had been going on regularly for eons. And I was suddenly aware in the dream of their existence, and that their doing this had effects on me.
When I woke up, I could ‘feel’ this was valid and was from the AP category, partly just from the dark-disturbing familiar vibe of it all. NLP ‘tools’ can be anything from an imagined meter, to another personality, but there’s a whole spectrum in between, and it’s certainly the case that you can set cyclical things, and tools that are basically little pieces of sentience themselves, in the mind, no big deal. It occurred to me that this is another form of parasite if you want to look at it that way, even though the energy is technically sourced from you; still, it’s operating outside your will, outside your attention.
I meant to blog it, and talk to (‘at’ since he is quiet) Mark about it but kinda spaced it out.
I was meditating a bit, sitting with my Aeons when I fell asleep last night. When I awoke, I’d been having massive rapid dreams, and I only remembered one piece of one of them.
There was a boy, pre-teen, who was normal except something wrong with his mind. Like a sort of autism or something where he just wasn’t smart or attentive. Otherwise seemed ok. He rode his bike somewhere every morning and when he did, he literally passed through the wall of a building into ‘another dimension’ or something like that, rode through it, and out the other side, back into the normal world. This seemed important, this place, and that it was ‘a dark mystery.’ I was with him (or him) as we rode through it.
We were near the front of this really big single room, very high ceiling, that was like a warehouse. 90% of it at the right of us had a variety of stuff in storage, stacks and boxes and crates and shelves, not very important stuff, a big range of supplies it seemed, but neatly organized like you could walk through aisles of it. 10% of it to the left of us was a row of office desks across the front, with various other office equipment like printers – a working space. I had an ‘overlay’ of a simple military supply room, of supply clerks at the front checking out stuff to people. But it seemed abandoned or just unused for some time, as it was empty of people and seemed a little bit dusty.
As he/we rode rapidly through, I hardly noticed except in the back of my head, that in all that emptiness, we passed the body of a woman lying on the floor at the left, between a couple of the office desks. I didn’t know if she was dead or unconscious. She was wearing this slightly long bright red skirt. We passed her by like it was irrelevant, and went out the other side.
At some point later in the dream we were in a house, and I was looking at a man who I realized either was the boy, or had told me about the boy, or had made me believe there was a boy, or something. I looked at him carefully, dark hair, dark stubble, snarky half smile at me. Then he started forcing his face to turn into the boy. I resisted this, but he insisted in response somehow, until finally I saw him as the boy whether I wanted to or not. Now instead of looking like a somewhat wicked man in his 30s he looked like an innocent 12 year old. I woke up.
I didn’t write down the dream or even think about it really.
This afternoon I thought of the dream from the 14th about the “cycle” and my previous thoughts that I really needed to meditate on this and stop the cycle and just treat it the same way you would a spiritual-parasite or anything else you don’t want going on inside you. For some reason this reminded me of the dream this morning, and as my mind briefly considered the dream, I suddenly realized: the woman lying on the ground in the warehouse was wearing the exact outfit I had been when I went to visit the hypnotist that I believe inducted me into that… effort, way back when. It was fairly distinctive, with the very bright red slightly long skirt and tall black boots. I was shocked, and realized that my mind had given me a symbol and it was important I work with it. Right NOW.
So I asked Mark if we could please do it right this minute and as we began, and I found myself out in our normal setting, lots of others showed up as if to be present or watch.
I went to the warehouse and picked up the woman, who was a younger me as I suspected, and brought her to Mark’s area and woke her up. Sat her up with me in a big round padded chair where we were sitting cross-legged and facing each other. Did some cleansing work. Then told her that I wanted to go through her, starting with ‘now,’ and find every energetic pattern in her which had been placed by others, or by parts of herself as instructed by others, related to ____ and I listed a variety of things and asked Mark to fill in the rest.
I wasn’t sure how to go about it and we talked about it a bit and eventually she said, It will come out here. and she indicated her right upper outer arm, which is where I’ve associated a huge energy-block (and likely alter-trigger) for eons so that made sense. I wasn’t sure what this was going to entail, and at first it was just odd icky stuff like a rubbery, fluid-ish playdoh or something, oozing out of the arm, into a big container I put between us to catch such things. But then it suddenly increased in size and speed and everything was just coming out of her chest, instead. I made a stasis area over to my right where Tek could help and I ported stuff over there to get it out of the way for now.
The most ridiculous, huge amount of stuff imaginable. Tools, toys, appliances, furniture, various gobs of blood, clear stuff she told me was tears, a hell of a lot of weapons, bondage stuff, and amorpheous blobs of god only knows what, energy I guess, there was so much stuff my mind boggled, all mixed up. I felt that it was related in that it was ‘time-based’ — the first things I saw were the last things that were … an influence, or whatever, and the more we went back, the farther back in time or experience it was.
It went on, and on, and on, impossibly long! I feel asleep. My eyes popped open at the same instant someone in my head said WAKE UP! and I thanked everyone internally for the help and continued. That happened again. And again. Then a daydream took me off but I dragged myself back, stuffing the energy of that into a separate stasis area and moving on. That happened repeatedly, mixed in all this. I fell asleep. Wake up! as my eyes pop open. Thank you! I say fervently, and continue. And it happens again. And again.
At one point she stops, panting. I can’t get this out, she says, and I understand it feels too big and solid. (Odd as we’d had whole furniture at times!) I suggest we imagine her whole torso and chest are not-solid, but soft, to push it through. So she does, and then pushed out of her chest a horrifying black big-bodied spider that is about 12 inches diameter and 4 inches thick. It seems real but I know it’s not, and I’m not sure if it was created to terrify her (I was really afraid of spiders back then, far moreso than now), or is just a energetic thoughtform taking that symbol because it is representative. But she got it out, and I port it to stasis with Tek because I can’t even stand looking at it for another moment, and after a few moments of rest, we go on, and stuff starts pouring out of her again.
I fall asleep. Wake up! as my eyes pop open. We continue, and again, and again. Eventually I can barely keep my eyes open. Sugar! I say out loud in unison with someone inside saying it, and I reach for the fresh lemonade I had nearby and suck it all down, trusting this is at least temporarily going to give me a little bit of pep. And it does seem to help, and I keep on, and on, and finally it is over. I probably fell asleep 20 times during that. Thank goodness someone was helping me!
I had the sense that the things that came out near the end had a slightly different feel to them. It seemed like they were more harmless. Like some of them actually seemed game like, and almost fun. Like maybe when things began, they were kind of fun, and I felt more like a willing participant in it. Thinking about it in reverse, it got gradually darker and then really bad. I don’t think it began that way. This had never occurred to me before.
Just as she reached the end of stuff, the innocent stuff was falling out of her, a man came from behind her to the left yelling something like, You think you can get away from me?! and attacked her, pushed her really hard and she fell on her face on the floor. Literally interrupted the meditation. I whirled on him and said, This is MY world. You cannot hurt her any more! And I put my hands out, and asked the Angelics (an archetype) to give me some of their influence so my light was whiter, and I sort of simultaneously melted and dissolved him until he was no more.
I sensed a whole group ‘of shadows’ behind her then, so I gathered up my Will and energy and put out my hands and did a massive cleansing all the way through her and through our whole area to include the shadows, and dissolved everything. I had a lot of ‘rushing’ while I did this. Then I released her and she vanished.
I went to the stasis for all the daydream-energy and took that back and cleaned it a bit.
Then I went to the stasis for all the ‘stuff’ we’d gotten from her. What I saw was only ‘representative’ I knew because it would have required a stasis chamber the size of Montana to hold everything that poured out of her. Mark, I said, Just make it yours. Please. Just wipe out everything but the raw energy, purify it, and let that part of me be you. I know that I could restore it and maintain the innate identity of me within it and I know you respect and love this, which is why you’re letting me evolve, and encourage me to let all the parts of me evolve, rather than doing this wipe-clean radiance thing. But I do not want to deal with this. And I haven’t had that energy accessible to me for eons anyway. Please, just make it yours. And he did. It would have taken me eons to go through the stasis work but he just wiped it out. So that was that.
I feel like this was a really, really long time coming. Like a couple decades. And like it’s a really good thing that this has been done.