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This first part written several weeks ago.

Synchronicity has been higher in my life lately. For example the other day was one of those search under the cushions for change days. (Figuratively.) And I found a visa gift card from 17 months ago that expired literally that day. So there we go, it was perfect. Just one example. Most are not that impressively out of the blue I admit. But I sense more presence in myself.

I think this stems from the increase in my attention to energy. More cleansing, more anchoring and focus with the chakras and the four, Aeon rounds and each day a different aeonic perspective is invited to more-actively share mine, be mine. Focusing toward how grateful I am to be alive.

Thoth Tarot Nine of Cups (Happiness)

Thoth Tarot Nine of Cups (Happiness)

I’m on the Nine of Cups, which is listed as ‘happiness.’ I wondered, looking at the pic, if this should also be ‘abundance.’ If it’s enough… It reminded me of that joke about a restaurant where one bowl of soup is a dollar, but all you can eat is three dollars. If you can only eat one bowl, that’s three dollars, ha. Maybe it’s hard to separate those things fully, happiness and abundance, as a result.

Over the course of the days, I feel like tiny little insights about Tarot, specifically about the four suits and their dynamics with each other, are bleeding into me somehow. It’s not any grand epiphany, but for example I will think of something in passing, something in the world or some daydream, and then I realize how each of those energies needs to be present for things to be ideal; and what will be missing in the situation, and the likely problem outcomes, if one is low or not present.

I had not realized until recently that the wands suit is greatly responsible for the sync of our lives, for the seeming luck of chance and timing. I feel the shape of this inside me as info. It’s cosmology of course and feels like travel around a planet, or a planet around a galaxy, but is as much for travel through our lives. Something like… the true will is strongest in that energy.  This is part of… finding your destiny, your bliss, your groove, so to speak.  Having a path where the mathematics of energy relationships, which we experience as the effects of space and time, arrange for things to be out of our way, for our “orbit” to be “appropriately clear and balanced.” There are many sayings about how when you make a commitment truly, that the universe moves with you, and you find opportunities you never would have before. I feel inside that the wands energy, which for me in my “four” archetype would be Senior/King or 1st of 4, is what brings that about.

The actual opportunities or events or resources are usually in the other suits, in terms of their dynamics and nature, but it is Senior — it is wands — that arranges for the… the Adjustment. I am also referring to the card now that in Thoth replaces Justice which is in other decks.

Adjustment is not just for re-weighting at the edge to bring outliers in. It isn’t something which happens ‘after’ some period, like we think of crime and punishment or Judgment Day. There is no time; adjustment is simply the equal force, although the english words make that sound like it is something separate, measured to match, when really it is the same thing, a single dynamic. Like how Steinbrecher modeled that if you suppressed an energy a certain amount (say, to a level minus-5 on a scale), that the ‘result’ was going to be the opposite side of that energy up at plus-5 in your life (usually right in your face, moreso the harder you were leaning on something)… it is not something separate and reactive, it’s all actually one energy.

It is not that she (Adjustment) brings things back into balance — that implies a time element, as a reaction; but rather, that they are always in balance, inherently, innately, and she is the name, the collective of the dynamic which makes this so.  This balance is also responsible (after our own focus) for the organization of the suits’ energies within us. By balance I mean in terms of weighting with the other three of the four primary energies. The ‘center’ of that balance may not be where we want it, of course. When we call something out of balance, a misnomer, that is what it amounts to.

I don’t know how my intuitive understanding of the cards matches up with people who know Tarot more intellectually from our current cultural studies. I don’t follow that, although sometimes if a meditation is very interesting, or experiences prior to one, I may look something up out of curiosity. The main thing is, I usually feel that an energy is very wholistic and that I am only perceiving a tiny fraction of it and one perspective (of an infinite number). So I can summarize my whole first point into something like wands are the divine will, or the magic, but it’s just ridiculous when summarized, and still only barely describes it even when detailed.

Much of the information doesn’t come to verbal. I feel it in shapes, geometries, relationships of shapes and motion. It’s not totally ineffable, some of it I can almost translate, like how I now understand why water is the symbol for spirit in my dreams, it has to do with the relationship between cups and wands (1st and 2nd of the four); in every way — in divine energy but also in chemical energy and biological function and so on. And why I was previously told to meditate on the cups prior to swords — there’s more than one reason but part of it is that swords is very sharp, fast, an arrow is a flying sword not a flying wand. There is no anchoring to swords, disks or earth is the anchor (4th for 3rd), the grounding, and cups is the tempering of both. The energy would be less integrated and more problematic in my life if I hadn’t finished disks and cups previous to doing swords. Still I can only verbally touch a tiny fragment of surface stuff. Most of the “insights” I can’t put into words. It’s more about how shapes feel, and move, inside me. I don’t know that I translate these inner geometries very well but to be fair I don’t know that I ever did!

Well at least my brain is still working. I think I have a lot of spotty memory loss from the last several years of super low oxygen/nutrients to my brain due to the heart condition. I hadn’t seen mental symptoms until the last month. I have noticed the medium-term memory is very spotty. I mean unnaturally so. Fortunately at least for now nothing I have lost has seemed to be more than inconvenient. And I assume, and I hope I’m right, that symptoms may vary but that surely I am getting better, not worse, now that I am getting massively more oxygen and nutrients to all of my body including what’s in my head.

Back to the present time… all the above feels like another world.

Nine of Cups (Happiness)

I can’t understand why I’ve resisted this so much, and after doing the med I resisted writing it down with all kinds of excuses. It’s now been a few days and I have actually gone to do so and gotten distracted or forgotten repeatedly, which tells me there is cognitive dissonance under the hood and it’s that much more important I do so. No matter how seemingly trivial. Which is just another excuse.

I kinda skipped everything normal in terms of ‘ritual’ and we just had a conversation. I spaced out slightly during part of it, I think 4th and my Aeons were both involved so I was just kind of part of a consortium having this relationship.

I do recall at one point, I asked him, is it possible that the presence or lack of elements like minerals in a human, could affect how well they are able to accept or manage energies like yours, this energy that in part we call ‘happiness’? The answer was a bit detailed but basically: well yes, because we are composed of… what we are composed of. I thought of all the stuff I’ve read about lead and its association with anger and violence.

In the context of our conversation, I sort of understood that this is… it’s just an energy really, and we are “more of that energy” when we are “holding” it as part of us, and when that quantity goes ‘over’ the quantity of other things that balance it, then we see the results. But what seems innately physical or biological on one hand, is no more or less ‘energetic’ than the divisions of the universe we call the Tarot. It isn’t… personal, in a way, though it’s infinitely personal in another.

I used to say that metaphysics seemed easier when it was on objects than people. We could take our car to the shop and the mechanic could say ok, that’ll be 20 bucks and three Hail Mary’s and we can move on… we don’t put all the angst of “but whyyyyy” into objects that we do into our bodies or social/personal lives, even though the things in our reality like our cars are just as representative of our energy. Things just are what they are and it goes for biology and spirituality as well as physical reality. {Later} After writing that earlier, I then stumbled on a saying from Seth I’d kept:

While you are in this reality there is no division between the mental, the spiritual, and the physical. If you think there is, then you do not sufficiently understand the spirituality of the flesh or the physical reality of your thought.
— Jane Roberts as Seth

So, I ended up having great emotion which was, humorously — “happiness.” And feeling so very thankful to the Aeons who are named as our Tarot — our own labeling and sorting system for something more fundamental, vast and complex than we could ever hope to imagine — and asking happiness to be much more a part of my experience.


For the next 24 hours I had this major dose of memories of stuff from my childhood, like a little jr. high and mostly high school, stuff I’m sure I haven’t thought of in decades.

Out of the blue a friend from HS contacted me via facebook this weekend. I lost this woman when we were about 22. Until then, I had sent her a Christmas card every year that said, “You are still the nicest person I have ever met in my life.” Often she was the only card I sent. If that tells you anything about the impact she had on me. We used to sit on the roof of the school near her house, looking over the city, and talk about metaphysics. She was from an intensely mormon family and her household was like some surreal but beautiful (if alien) Brady Bunch experience for me. She married someone with a common last name and moved to another state and was lost to me for nearly 30 years until super late the night after the meditation. When I’d been thinking of things from that era all day.

The thoughts, spontaneous, of stuff from that era of my life have continued, although I am not sure how they relate to the tarot med but they seem to.


I was playing guitar and singing last night and suddenly wanted to play this song I wrote that was my go-to when I was about 18-19. Nothing special as a song, only in its meaning to me. Gosh such a blast from the past. It was a period when I had solved many of the problems of my ‘circumstantial’ life, and having ‘fixed’ everything, I waited for the happiness to come… and… nothing. I would look at happy people in the mall and wonder how they hell they did it. Was there some switch, something you did or said, a button you pushed in yourself to “make” yourself happy? I think I had assumed it was the default state if there wasn’t some situation making you otherwise, but it’s not so.

When I wrote this I was starting to get involved in the music world, so a lot of ‘pretend’ happy around while everyone was so competitive. I was reading a magazine and looking at some cigarette ad where beautiful happy people were frolicking on a beach I think, and I was so envious, even knowing it was an ad I figured those people probably had that capacity for happy so it was all the same.

What About Me

Everybody’s walkin’ ’round, talkin’ ’bout
All the lost affections, all of their connections
And how they’re gonna show everybody who they really are.
You know I once took a class in how time is still passin’
It said you’re a fool if you stick to the rules. You gotta
Learn how to love just yourself if you wanna get far.

Well I see these pictures and they’re smilin’ up at the cameraman
Lookin’ so happy and
I try to tell myself, just be the best you can be
Oh but what about me? Oh, I’m not tryin’ to get nothin’ for free
It’s just they all look so happy
And it’s all I can see

Givin’ and givin’ and tryin’ to make a livin’ and you know
You’re so rushed that you can’t even touch any money you’re makin’
‘Cause you’re out there shakin’ for bills.
And as you’re gettin’ older it’s still gettin’ colder
And you may be prayin’, but the world is still sayin’
You win some, you lose some, you cry and you bruise some – oh well.

Well I get this fear when I look in the mirror and see
Lines on my face too deep for my years. And I try to tell myself
It doesn’t matter to me.
Oh but what about me? Oh, well it’s such a great mystery to me
How’d they get so happy, how’d they get so free?

Oh, I’m not tryin’ to get ‘nothin’ for free
I just wanna be happy

(me, from 1984 or so)


It’s hard to kick the hilarity of someone grieving about lines on their face at 19.

It’s clear all these memories, the contact of the old friend, the draw to that old song, and so on are related to the ‘happiness’ card. Why I have been clearly in some cognitive dissonance about doing the meditation let alone blogging about it — it was so little to talk about at least that I recall! — is beyond me though.


Thoth Tarot Meditations: Cups
Thoth Tarot Ace of Cups
1, 2
Thoth Tarot Two of Cups (Love)
Thoth Tarot Three of Cups (Abundance)
Thoth Tarot Four of Cups (Luxury)
Thoth Tarot Five of Cups (Disappointment)
Thoth Tarot Six of Cups (Pleasure)
Thoth Tarot Seven of Cups (Debauch)
Thoth Tarot Eight of Cups (Indolence)
Thoth Tarot Nine of Cups (Happiness)
Thoth Tarot Ten of Cups (Satiety)
Thoth Tarot Princess of Cups
Thoth Tarot Prince of Cups
Thoth Tarot Queen of Cups
Thoth Tarot Knight of Cups