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I found it irritating that my meditation on defeat was about to end in defeat.

Something is going on with me internally. I’m not sure if this is because of the big prayer to the Powers I did recently or not. It seems like it was beginning before that, I admit, but recent. It might be some side effect of having all the Aeons with me when I meditate now. They are only present “in my attention” if I intend it. Which I do now because it’s been conveyed that this is… well, I should have been doing it all along. And I need to increase our interaction and integration.

I know that I’ve always talked about the trouble with holding focus especially on difficult archetypes. But this is about 50x more than that, and it feels different. I don’t think it’s the same cause. Normally the issue is either mental noise, or mental ‘convenient’ distraction to escape. But a couple things seem to have changed.

The overall effect is that I feel like it is an environmental change internally. In other words it doesn’t feel like it’s just that I can’t pay attention for more than four seconds without ending up in some completely unrelated train of thought. My mind has the same situation it always has, as if that part is no better or worse.

But the sheer quantity of incoming distractors has multiplied by an order of magnitude. And the intensity of those distractors, whether visual or audio or conceptual, has also multiplied by an order of magnitude. Maybe two.

The combination of this feels like standing on something thin and flat and elevated and affected by wind, when there are regular sharp gusts of wind that keep briefly lifting your whole body up just a bit, removing your sense of anchoring, stability and balance, while simultaneously buffeting you with 10,000 windy pieces of everything it picked up from your life, or in this case particularly, my memory.

Now normally, when I meditate, my distractions are distractions like daydreams that were spawned by free association with something going on in the med, or sometimes, stuff that’s on my mind that I haven’t let go of sufficiently. In other words they are generally things about current life or mental wandering.

But what’s happening now is memory based. It’s instant revivification of memories great and small from any period of life at all, and then when I am utterly lost in the memory, because it’s like mentally teleporting back to the moment of it, it will shift into a dreamish.

Now that I’ve written this out, I see this is definitely an interfering artifact of having all the Aeons with me.  I will have to learn to deal with it.

In their defense, they are the only reason I ever got through the meditation at all. They are more than capable of triggering a nervous system reaction (and much more than that sometimes over the years!), an abreaction that jerks my body, stops thought abruptly, and returns me to realization. They were kind enough to do this for me. Dozens and dozens of times. It was that bad. One jerk, resume. Jerk, resume.

There was something else, though. In one of the dragged off by flash-vivid revivifying of memory that then fractal’d into some dreamish, I was handed a bottle of soda or something, and I unscrewed the cap and went to drink it. Before it got to my mouth, I not only got the standard body-jerk/mind-clear, I got a whole slew of them, within about half a second, some super strong, like all twelve of them were doing it not just one and a few came in just a bit later, and I felt as if this came with an emotional sense of urgency. It was like a chorus of shouts, done by nervous system sparks.

My impression is that despite this was just a dreamish, that what I was about to do was bad, like it would harm me/us in some way, and was totally not ok.

Just this morning I’d had the experience of having a drink of the energy from my guides, which was novel and a good thing. But it felt like for some reason, this dreamish thing would have been a bad thing. I haven’t figured out why this seems important — like a daydream of having a drink of soda is no big deal, but that was.

Two things. The first is that it feels as if… like having them with me in attention… makes what might normally be inner-world stuff into inter-world stuff. It isn’t that there is a fundamental difference on the surface. It’s that there is a fundamental difference in the… traction the latter has in the energetic world, and hence, the effects on me and my life.

Second, there was this feel to their ‘reaction’ that made me feel like some harmful intent had taken advantage of my distraction, and was actually trying to get me to accept something that I normally wouldn’t. And that my morning ‘drink’ at the guides’ bar spawned the idea. It was spontaneous, and the Aeons reacted, but didn’t see it coming, it seems. But that I was… vulnerable.

The “environmental change” by having all the Aeons present isn’t just distraction on a nearly tornadic scale. It’s like maybe it amplifies the power of whatever is going on, or the results of my interactions, as well.

I could be wrong about cause or meaning here. I don’t know for sure. It’s a bit subtle and a lot confusing. But something is a “sea change” in the interworlds meditation experience.

I remember, when the Four first seemed to center in my body, they began at the forehead chakra, no idea why. It was utter chaos in my head when they did. But they moved down to the place in my upper chest between heart chakra and throat chakra. The one later that got the ‘outer’ front/back torn out and revealed the universe tunnel through me. Once they moved down there, the chaos in my head went away. It was a little different with them, than this, namely that it wasn’t memory as primary distractor, but also a bit similar in some respects.

Clearly they are trying to help compensate for the problem, or my meditating would be over forever. It’s that difficult. I’d never get through a single one if I had a year, without them yanking me back constantly.

I did get through it. But it was like doing it in 100 separate staccato pieces.

I didn’t write it down but have discovered there is no longer any excuse: the Voice Recorder Pro app on my iPhone will let me sleepily dictate a dream or meditation and then or later I can save it as MP3, rename it, and email it to myself, and then when I have time I can use that for typing out the meditation.

Thoth Tarot Five of Swords (Defeat)

Thoth Tarot Five of Swords (Defeat)

Five of Swords – Defeat – Archmed

Arch was a man with slumped shoulders riding a horse slowly, who had a dog tied to a long rope that he was holding, trotting down a dirt road. The dog was trotting, he wasn’t being dragged, but he had to run alongside. I worked with the four elements on them but I didn’t feel much.

I said I wanted us to do something else together and a river and boat appeared. I asked them to take human form, the dog was a boy of about ten, the horse was a man, and we all got in this boat and went down the river. Nothing really happened, and I still didn’t feel we were integrating.

Finally I asked them to make themselves into a singular symbol that I could work with. Because for whatever reason, I just didn’t seem to be having results with the three of them.

Then I yelled, “Wait, not in the boat!!” and imagined us on the grass near the shore instead because I was already getting a “eww gross!” sense the moment it started changing and felt it was going to be big and it was WAY too close for that now.

When the singular archetype appeared I exclaimed, “Wow! That is really gross!”

Usually when I have something gross, I feel it viscerally, and usually only biology comes across like that, Tek meds by accident or design. Curiously this had no visceral component whatever. That’s new. Tells me it is not biology in this case. But it was just “ewww gross!” reaction mentally.

It was this big black — slightly rubbery but fleshy — like if an octopus was a big land monster but without most the arms… hard to explain, but it was truly disgusting. I worked on sending the four elements + love through my heart chakra at it, like a ray, and kept doing it and pushing it. I felt like this was changing something so I kept on. It felt like it was rising toward some kind of climax. Then finally, and suddenly, it exploded.

Which by the way was also really gross. For some reason. There were now pieces of that black rubberish-fleshish-grossness all over, and one major ‘center core’ of it remaining. I went to all the smaller pieces and dissolved them, and then went to the remaining center and beamed at that as well for awhile, and it dissolved gradually and then it turned out — it was the Guy. The one who’d been on the horse.

I got him cleaned off and out, and asked for something I could wear on or in my body to better absorb more of his energy. He gave me something akin to a two foot long piece of fat chain link in a dark near-metal. I told him, chains equals prisoner, and that I could not accept the energy in that form. He modified it to something kind of like a round metal plate, maybe 12 inches diameter, the same dark near-metal and with loops/holes as if it was the same chain but spiral’d together in a single thin piece. It felt ok. I put it in my torso.

I asked the four to help with what to give him as I had no ideas. They made something that fit in the palms of my hands, but was some kind of small golden figurine, like an eastern tiny statuette.

We were done, and Mark vanished him and I was back in his space again.

I couldn’t shake the sense that I had been more vulnerable than I have ever actually felt in an archmed. It isn’t that nothing can affect me in one, it’s that prior to the Aeons being with me, it just… well, Mark would keep any such thing clear of me. It feels like “my level of responsibility” just went up.

I felt I had nearly been badly affected as a result (saved just in time), and that this had something to do with the increase in everything — “power” I guess you could say — I felt in the meditation as a whole. As if maybe my power to make a change might be greater, but also my need to stay focused is more important as I am more endangered if I do not.

If I had to describe it in few words I would say “everything amp’d up internally.”

P

Thoth Tarot Meditations: Swords
Thoth Tarot Ace of Swords
1, 2, 3
Thoth Tarot Two of Swords (Peace)
1
Thoth Tarot Three of Swords (Sorrow)
1
Thoth Tarot Four of Swords (Truce)
1
Thoth Tarot Five of Swords (Defeat)
1
Thoth Tarot Six of Swords (Science)
1
Thoth Tarot Seven of Swords (Futility)
1
Thoth Tarot Eight of Swords (Interference)
1
Thoth Tarot Nine of Swords (Cruelty)
1
Thoth Tarot Ten of Swords (Ruin)
1
Thoth Tarot Princess of Swords
1
Thoth Tarot Prince of Swords
1
Thoth Tarot Queen of Swords
1
Thoth Tarot Knight of Swords
1