I’m having a genuinely hard time knowing what is going on. My inner and sometimes even outer worlds feel like a big blurry mess of moving dots. And I am lucky even to stay with something (not sure if it is no attention span or more an inability to hold a focus at this level of energy), never mind write it down, never mind get it to the blog, and then I am told this is part of my denial and getting a handle on this means starting somewhere. And writing it down and blogging it so it’s official is starting somewhere. But it all seems surreally trivial and not worth blogging.
It was pointed out to me that if I only blogged what was interesting to others Psiche would have vastly fewer posts haha. Like I never cared before some new moving goalpost criteria became a filter. It was just my life, just another day, for better or worse hopefully for better, and hopefully some documenting would encourage the better and help me remember. I can’t seem to remember anything anymore. I’ve sometimes gotten semi-lucid in dreams and realized I had like 95% no idea what the hell was going on. That’s how I feel right now but it’s about real life.
So what I have are the tiny notes I find in my text file. More has happened. If I don’t write it down immediately it’s gone forever. Years ago it was often like this. I don’t know if I have regressed terribly or progressed to some different level of energy so I’m starting over with that symptom.
I was told it was time to focus a meditation at “the fourth level” and they meant my heart. I could not hold attention for it. I think. I don’t remember.
27 Apr 2016
There was some identity that wanted to… give me a lecture or essay. The two topics they wanted to cover were poverty, and “the steel people.” I think I fell asleep, alas, don’t remember anything more. I found “the steel people” idea interesting though. Made me think of John Lilly and his stainless steel entities!
I went to do a meditation with Mark and in the end, found myself with 3rd, just sitting on chairs knees almost touching across from each other, and I was to do the working with him. He showed he his process but it was same as mine only simpler and I don’t think that was really it. It took hours to do what should have taken five minutes if that. He eventually made it clear the point of all this wasn’t the meditation topic or focus but my getting through it at all.
2 May 2016
I’m always delighted when I really perceive some of the body up close, by which I mean usually at cellular level. It’s just fascinating. Ignore that one may be looking at something injured, diseased or broken or whatever — the body is divine machinery.
As a prelude I should mention that if I take anything green (cilantro, spirulina, chlorella) or iodine, I vent halides. Right through the skin as little vents, on lower throat chest neck head predictable as a clock. If it’s been awhile and I take iodine, by next morning I’ll have venting blemishes literally right OVER at least one of my thyroid nodules. Detox blemishes are not like ‘clogged pores,’ they are stuff the lymph system is pushing out to the surface ’cause it’s bad (for me esp. halides) generally wrapped in white blood cells — so I guess on the surface level detox vents and zits are about the same.
About a week or two ago (having a real hard time with a stable sense in linear time of late so I’m not sure) my brain woke up before my body and I let it stay wherever its attention was. I opened my eyes because I could feel this odd “pressing and searching and trying” going on in the bend of my right arm. I say odd in part because I had the sense that “from that perspective” it was this gigantic, herculean strong-man sort of effort, but on my side I perceived it as something verrrry tiny. (Reminded me of a couple times I perceived the thoughts of a spider. So weird how it “felt so tiny.”)
My arm was actually lying in such a way that I could see the area I could feel this “frustrated, pressurized search” in, but there was nothing there. Searching for a way ‘between’ things, it was a bit deep, looking for a route to the surface. And then finally, slipping through and YES!! hits the surface, exhausted but relieved, the path is created for the flow which follows, “punching through,” and I watched in awe as a tiny vent sprung up precisely in the place I was watching and feeling. Holy cats! It was like I totally felt and watched the formation of that. I found it amazing.
I am genuinely having trouble with my mind keeping track of whatever is going on outside linear reality. Not really having any trouble with normal life although a serious lack of interest in linear/logical thought is present. It’s like there are these layers under the surface that my mind used to feel some degree of comfort with, “interworlds” you might say, but now I just feel like they are a big mess of nearly random floating things, mixing together, and I can’t keep it straight. Low thyroid or potassium can cause this in regular thought, and I once had an extreme case but it wasn’t really like this. My memory drops them but even ability to focus on them at the time is minimal. I am not sure if it’s some damage from the health, or if I’m working in some different frequencies than before and haven’t mastered these yet, or whatever. I only know that I feel like a “woo” airhead.
Edited (Dec 2018): At the time I wrote the above, it was just over a month before I had open heart surgery. At the time I got to the doc for that, I was losing 70% of the oxygen and nutrients, to my brain and body. Just pouring into my body cavity from the tears in the heart valve. (Hence the insane edema.) So given my brain and nervous system was that profoundly lacking in oxygen and nutrients, it’s not a surprise my brain was having trouble. At this point, 2.5 years later, I consider the era of 2007-2017 in particular to be… fuzzy. And the era of 2012-2016, and moreso every month after early 2012, to be nearly ‘gone but for pieces’ I am reminded of, see a picture of, or find on the blog.