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I woke up, did a brief prayer, and since I was feeling ok, decided to sit quietly with myself and focus for a few minutes before getting up.

I was doing a simple energy scan ‘good morning’ to my body and chakras and I noticed that yet-again, the lines-of-power (I don’t know what else to call them) that fountain/torus between the crown and feet, had some kind of problem over at the right side down about the level of the liver, it’s about 12-18″ out from the body there. I first saw this in great detail and did healing work on it during a meditation a year or two ago (a really interesting one where I was suddenly some egyptian metaphysical-doctor for a short time, and then saw this in great fiber-optic-like detail). I’ve noticed this in far less severity a few times since then, like it’s just ‘wearing away,’ and I work on fixing it when I find it. But clearly something is making it ‘go wrong’ that it keeps degrading in that area.

When I was nearly done healing it, I had a brief ‘impression’ of my body below that area, a combination of ‘darkness’ and ‘hole’ that actually made me react emotionally in rejection and immediately dismiss that and turn my attention away. Thankfully my mind was just quick enough to catch that in my awareness, so then I forced myself to go back and focus, and work on healing that. I gradually called in everyone.

“Tek,” I said in some consternation as I was nearly done, “What is going on here? Because I have worked in this area before and made it right. So how is it going wrong? Because I get this feeling that something else is causing this problem, something I’m not seeing or addressing.”

And it was like just realizing that and asking and thinking that I wanted to see whatever it was suddenly opened my eyes or something. I had this powerful impression that was only ‘concept’ but semi-translated to visual: there was an ‘identity’, I perceived it as male, “curled up / crouched down low hiding” “inside me” in the lower left of my torso, and this was an actual pressure in an area affecting nerves in the spinal column, which ended up causing a great deal of stress a little higher up the spine and on the other side — the area in question. The information that came across was that ‘he’ was literally ‘hiding in me’ — like a parasite of sorts but a complete autonomous entity. I mean kinda like a person.

I was so shocked that I didn’t think of anything for a few moments. Then it occurred to me that we always think of ‘attachments’ as if they are… well… maybe outside us somewhere, attached, and we think of possession as if it is… everywhere, perhaps… and I recalled how the various ‘alters’ I once found (the major one and some little ones) were stored inside an organ (which is novel) but those were very… ‘light’ and ‘shallow’ compared to this identity which felt like an entire personality of its own, completely external to and separate from mine, whereas those had felt like fractured tiny pieces of me, a part of me, and so a completely different thing.

I wondered how the hell an identity could ever get ‘into’ a person to ‘hide inside their energy’ like that, which seemed so impossible, except at that moment I was perceiving this so clearly there was no point in arguing with it. It wasn’t an intellectual conclusion or theory. It was an obvious observation of what-simply-WAS. I was just a little bit fascinated with how I felt that I had just asked precisely the right question at precisely the right time to suddenly reveal it, as if any other way of doing it, or maybe another time, wouldn’t have.

I realized that my lack of understanding how this happens has no bearing on whether or not it is so, and I was already starting to get some emotional knee-jerk rejection of the only theory I’ve ever heard of related to this (about scientology, isn’t there something about that in there?).

I didn’t have any real sense of this being something that was ‘about me’ or highly personal to me in terms of ‘intent.’ More like the “me” had simply provided a good place for someone to curl up and hide and live off me. It wasn’t really that I felt it was evil or anything, as that I just felt it was “completely inappropriate, displaced, and slightly parasitical.” Well and I also felt that it was intentional: that it ‘knew’ that it didn’t belong in me, and was intentionally hiding out there anyway. I perceived this as kind of gross, although I understood that this part was less about its nature than about my gut-response to it.

(I had this vague overlay of an old news story of a guy in asia I think who discovered a woman had been living in one of his closets for nearly a year, eating his food, living in his house when he was at work and so on.)

I was focusing on ‘charging up’ energy between 1st and 3rd chakras in particular, and talking to Mark and Tek a bit, and kind of wandering around it looking at it in a bit of fascinated repulsed horror. I was trying to decide: is it inappropriate for me to act against it? If I act to “remove its autonomy” (which is literally wiping out identity and so basically ‘vibrating into chaos a previously ordered energy’) which I could feel instinctively would be (and would be considered) a direct ‘attack’, was that inappropriate?

Maybe it was something good? — but I didn’t feel like that. I didn’t feel it was evil but I did feel that it was… intentionally mercenary, did not really care about me, was totally just using me for its convenience.

I felt instinctively that there would be little point to actually attempting to simply “move the energy to outside my body” — I felt that enough of my energy had been ‘feeding it’ for so long that my body-energy-systems considered it a local now, despite the harm it was doing me, and that it would be easily able to get back to its cave inside me of sorts and my natural defenses would not do well enough to prevent it. You might say that enough of it was ‘me’ just due to my energy being the food source and carrier, that any natural not-me defenses would let it through.

Again, all of this was not an intellectual or theoretical thing; I was simply aware of all these things as obvious at the time.

I combined the four elements, all my chakras, a dose of love, asked Tek and Mark for help, and then basically irradiated it into disordered chaos until it lost its cohesion (this is an ‘objectified’ way of saying you removed its ability for autonomy and then finally its sense of identity) and then cleaned the energy with a super bright flash and sucked it into my solar plexus chakra as MY energy now, and I’ve not done it like this before but my body automatically did this super fast breathing (a sort of puffing) right at that level that after the fact, I thought reminded me of something I must have seen someone doing in martial arts as it triggered some distant recall in me.

During the time I was interacting with it, I was getting body-wide merge-rushes bigtime, I mean literally crown-to-toes rushes which is really unusual (most of mine are at the brainstem and upper spinal areas with exceptions), and it was very strong and went on a bit and when it went away, it lingered much more in the waist-to-toes region for a bit, which is the area of my body only very rarely affected by any of the meditation work I do (but most affected in my health issues). I did another pass of high-energy cleansing and some body-wide stuff including an enforcement of any natural energy systems that would function, like skin or whatever, as a sort of protective defense.

I did some visualizations with Tek about restoring myself. It literally felt like there was this place in me, about the size of a man’s fist, which was sort of… smashed the way a small place filled with grass and stuff would be if someone had been there for a long time. Tek helped me kind of restore various areas.

I dislike that the only word I have to use is ‘think’ or ‘feel’ since in much of this stuff, there is something which is neither intellectual nor emotional but something else that is really neither and somewhat under that, and we merely translate it to that. Rather like how we might get ‘information’ and then we have to translate it ‘through’ one of our body senses for experience or communication, but it doesn’t necessarily come from that source originally.

I really felt like there was a sort of… looking for words that aren’t too retarded here… a sort of lock or trigger that I ‘sprung’ and got insight into that I normally never would have gotten had I not been right in the process of (a) really forcing myself to ‘look at something even though I didn’t want to see it’ and (b) understand specifically what was causing something, which it turned out its presence was causing so that was the answer. Like normally I would never have allowed myself to perceive this, and would never have thought to ASK the question that specifically led to perceiving it.

It later led me to the weird thought: what about ourselves do we not know, and not know to ask?

*

I didn’t write this down right after it happened, started to and got distracted.

I realized later I was in denial and avoidance so I made myself write it down. I ended up getting distracted in the middle.

Later I realized it and made myself finish it. Then I got distracted and forgot to put it in the blog.

I made myself come back to it.

I know that I am embarrassed about this, I feel really stupid, and a little confused, and I don’t know what that is, what it means, whatever.

I do NOT feel that this was ‘merely archetypal or symbolic’ although I grant legitimacy to those things also. Most of the experience was not any issue of feelings or intellectual stuff — it just totally “obvious” and I dealt with what was real to me at that moment.

*

It bothered me all day. I refused to think about it, and then it would just suddenly come back to me — to my body, actually, like the memory of the shock of it at my first awareness point — and I would re-visualize being totally clean and intense white light filled and that area ‘filled in’ the way it should be again etc.

I don’t… know what it means. I did once have a weird experience that my chakras told me was an attack by an Archon but seriously, that was the craziest thing I ever heard, and I had only heard the reference to that word in passing (as a sort of not-good entity but I didn’t realize they meant one ‘active in the present’ I thought it was like a theoretic distant spiritual thing). So I don’t know, I mean if there is any legitimacy to that, whether this is related to that kind of thing or not.

It’s embarrassing though. I lack words to describe it in any way that just doesn’t make it sound idiotic.

P