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Health stuff:

A few days ago I had a small vision just as I was — well, not waking up as I’d not been asleep but I’d been spaced out.

I had been talking to someone about health stuff online and I had been wondering, as I always do, what the hell is up with lipedema, what is causing this, what can solve this, same old thing. Then I sort of spaced out. Just as I was coming back to alert, I heard this voice-slash-concept tell me:

A ‘locked door’ is KEY to the resolution.

Just like that, with the word key in capital-sense.

At the same moment I heard/felt the voice/concept, I ‘saw’ this visual: there was this flattish sphere — like a body cell, I suppose — and there was this thin big “X” drawn over the top of it, and I understood it was saying that this part of it — like the skin or top of it there — was supposed to open up, but it wasn’t doing so.

I wrote it down. I had already previously thought of something similar (the whole twinkie-cell theory, or my version of it anyway, being that the membrane wasn’t made of good phospholipids but replacement transfats and hence would not break down with lipase and when it was time to die but was living forever, stretching and getting bigger and bigger, instead of being disassembled like it should be eons before). But I didn’t know if this was actually that, or something else.

This seemed like a message from my body that stood on its own (and so may or may not actually be that idea at all).



I had the “sponsored idea” that from Sunday 9/1, which being my mother’s birthday I usually take as a day of thoughtfulness about my life and what she might advise me of and wish for me; to 9/14, which is my 48th birthday; that perhaps for those two weeks I should just be nice to myself. Take a two week vacation from everything negative. Use skin creams and be nice to my body; do more of the “love me do” meditation series I never finished; and, this being the huge, thing, SLEEP REGULARLY AND IN THE DARK every single night at the same time.

I wasn’t sure that was possible. I haven’t had a regular sleep schedule for two full weeks in possibly 25 years. Then it occurred to me that this was, in fact, so profoundly dysfunctional it was hard to believe, and if I seriously thought the idea of going to bed in the dark for two weeks was so difficult I might not be able to do it, then I needed to take a real look at a lot more than whether I’m taking my vitamin C daily.

I haven’t been meditating. Tonight I was talking to Mark (which I often do, regardless of meditation) and he suggested we do it RIGHT NOW. So I did.



I grounded: the superstring that goes through me: from core to earth, from crown to center of galaxy. Breathe awhile, bring the energy more cohesively against and into the string, then focus in on bringing it together coalesced strongly on the part of the string where ‘I’ am. Then breathed in energy until I was full and burst out with cleansing light outward, brought a flat sheet of it down from high above room-wide to go around and through me, and a special dense powerful energy that goes down the back of me and cleans up all that energy (I always feel as if I have a lot sticking out the back of my head and back), all drops below my floor and soaks into the earth deeply.

Went to see the chakras, attempting to ‘be’ in ‘their’ space when saying hello briefly. To include the one below the soles. Called each of the Aeons in a quick round. Sat with the Four for a bit; then the 5th and 7th then me and 3rd for awhile. Then talked to Mark for awhile. Like about the entities that go “through” me so oddly, in the Thoth tarot they are represented by crossed rods mostly. One is part of the ajna even though I just don’t understand how or why. Said I’d like the honor of meeting all these, of knowing them, of understand who they are and what they do as part of me. Talked to him about other things I forget.

Asked Nero for help in paying attention and staying alert. Had some trouble getting into the altered state I wanted and not getting distracted.

Finally we did a meditation.


The ground opened up below me in a good sized many-point star shape, and I fell downward abruptly, falling fast through a long dark tube into the ground it until I could see the most amazing shifting-shades of light approaching from below me.

The open shaft I was falling through opened into an impossibly huge rounded room like the room of a cave or something of stone, filled with the most amazing energy sphere. The moment I reached it, I slid/bounced off it, as if it had a force field so I never actually touched it, and I fell fast and really far down toward the stone floor and stopped myself just in time.

It was pure energy. It was dominantly electric blue but also some purple and white. It reminded me, if you were to take a Tesla sphere, and then you were to make the plasma streams completely solid all the way around it, and then remove everything in the middle — so the “living dynamic plasma” was only the outer shape of an empty sphere — it was like that.

A 125 foot sphere, I heard a voice say. I wondered what the number meant, if anything. I couldn’t think of anything, although I guess the only numbers I know of that are “supposed to mean something” are the big “popular” ones. I decided that must be right though, it did seem about that size, utterly huge.

I walked around it slowly, wondered what it was and what to do with it. I was clearly in a sort of manmade cavern built just to hold it. In a far wall there was an open doorway, big double doors like stone, and some people came in and around me. I looked to my right. They were bald and had pointy ears and light-flesh colored skin. I looked to my left. Same thing.  They were watching me as if it was a big deal that I was there.

I honor you, I said to them, though I wasn’t looking at them then, distracted. I am looking at this amazing… thing. What IS it?

You don’t know? The tallest male asked, seeming like he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t know.

No idea, I admitted.

Tell her the story, he said to a woman, the last one in line on my left.

Once upon a time there was a King, she said in a storytelling voice. He was a mighty king and he accomplished much for his people.  He built a grand castle eventually, the grandest anyone had ever seen, and it was filled with ladies in waiting and men at arms and servants and tapestries and beautiful things.

But the king had a weakness: fear. He feared that his beautiful things would be taken from him, by enemies, and after much thought and planning, he made a  powerful magic. The most powerful magic the land had ever seen.

At this point I started thinking to myself, has anyone internally ever talked quite this much to me in a meditation, like this much ‘novelty’ content at once? I don’t think so.

She continued: He created a sphere of power big enough to fully encompass his castle, the most powerful shield of defense. Nothing would be able to get into it, no power would be strong enough to break through it. The king finalized the power of the sphere and it flared over the landscape and became just as you see it now: glorious, powerful, marvelous — and untouchable.

But nothing could get through the shield. Not people. Not horses. Not food. Nothing. And eventually the king had to leave his beautiful castle, as nobody could live there, as there was sun and moon, rain and wind, but nothing else inside the sphere.

Ages passed, and the forces of nature and great time eventually left nothing in the sphere, just as the king was left with nothing.


The meditation abruptly changed. I was no longer in the huge rock chamber with the bald pointy eared people. Now I was riding a horse, and I had a little boy sitting in front of me that I knew was my son, he was about six years old. I was a man, and I was holding him as we rode. There were other men on horses around me.

I was telling the boy how he would be king one day after me, and I was giving him advice. I was hoping that I could instill in him a strong character, one that would be wise and merciful, one that would love his kingdom and his people, one that would be strong enough to hold the throne against enemies, but compassionate enough to be loved. I could see a castle in the distance I knew was ours.

Then coming toward us from offside was a small band of men I instantly knew were the enemy. I leaped off my horse, wrapped a blanket around my son and put him on the horse of one of my best soldiers and sent them riding as fast as possible toward the castle, to keep him safe. Then I remounted my horse and my men and I waited.

The enemy came, and we did not fight at first, they surrounded my men, but there were not very many more of them than us. The man who was their leader came forward and told me that he would kill me and take my kingdom.

I smiled just a little.

If you kill me, you will make me stronger, I heard myself tell him. I will be a martyr, a power you can never fight. My people love me. Every person in my extensive family line will be a threat to your reign, because all the people will want the return of what I have given them. You could possibly kill me today. Perhaps. But you will never hold more than a chair and fear.

He was gruff, and suggested that I was just talking to put off fighting.

I suggested that our men let us duel, with a promise of non-interference. I wasn’t sure I trusted his men or mine not to interfere actually. He agreed, and we dismounted as did most the men, and they formed a large circle around us. He then suggested that if I were really a man, I would fight with my fists. He was nearly twice my size, and not nearly as good a swordsman, so it was obviously his better chance if we were in hand combat.

I smiled and handed my sword to my captain and stepped forward and I bowed slightly. I had the sense this was perceived as very odd to them for him to do — like that was something from the palyne-me and not from his world.


Then the scene changed again. Many of his people were gone or out of sight and those which were left had their hands bound behind them, and he was on the far right of a line of them, himself bound, and it was later in the day. I was wearing my sword on my left hip and I walked slowly toward him, talking to him, about my disappointment in him. I think I knew who he was and he was a traitor, not like a foreigner — but clearly 4th of 4 or the identity we were sitting in on rather, was dominant there, not me.

Then lightning-fast, with my right hand I whipped out my sword from my left hip and sliced it across him, whacking his head off cleanly, and finished a circle turn and kicked at his chest with my right foot, and his headless body that was barely starting to crumple fell backward, as his head was still rolling across the grass.

You must cut off the head of the snake, I said to my men, and also to his men standing there in some horror. There is no agreement of peace with a snake. It is not in their nature.  

But I let the rest of his men live.


Then the scene changed again and I was coming into the courtyard, and my son ran up to me — but he was about 12 now.


Then the scene changed again and again, and every time, my son was coming to me and he was older.

Then he was a man, and I was in a room with him privately and I said to him:

I am honored to have been your father. You have grown into a man worth a kingdom. 

And I told him that I wanted him to take the kingdom now, while I was still alive and could be an advisor to him, rather than only assuming the throne on my death, which was sure to have problems with the kingdom’s stability and his own grief. I was so proud of him and I loved him so much.


Then suddenly I was back in the giant cavern with the sphere.

The people around me didn’t seem to be aware that I’d been gone — or perhaps only my attention had been gone. It seemed that the woman who was telling the story was still telling it.

…and so the prophecy was foretold, ever since, that the sphere would remain even when all other things of the world had changed, until finally one day you would come, and it would be no more.

“I — wait. Me?!” I said, because the scene had changed so fast I was trying to get my bearings and switch my head back to that one.

They all nodded.

You are the return of the king, the man said.

“Um. I don’t think I am the king,” I apologized gently. “Um. Am I?”

You are an aspect of the king, he insisted while shrugging one shoulder, as if it were obvious and he couldn’t understand why I would argue this.


I wondered what I looked like to them. Did I look like a man, like I did on the ship when I met the Knight of Cups? I projected outward to near the lead man and looked back at myself. It was the petite blonde woman, the 4th of 4 I often am seen as. I wondered if her looks were part of the prophecy then — because these people were quite odd looking comparatively — because how would they know who she was, otherwise? Then I told myself that this was all happening in my head, so they were all aspects of me, and to quit getting stuck on such pedantic BS in the middle of meditations.

I looked again at the giant sphere. I knew that the middle experience segments with my son and the invader had some important bearing on this but damn if I could figure out what that might be. I tried to think. The sphere was a protective thing, and a disaster ala the Midas myth, so we had that. He was a king who protected his son, and raised his son to be strong and good and then gave him his kingdom. I thought about it, pondering.

It is time to let it go, I finally concluded. I think the sphere represents my refusing to “allow myself vulnerability” that I have been told actually led to my death in various ways in many lives. I think perhaps the middle segment was a lesson: that raising someone with honor, strength and love, instead of fear, breeds “a man worth a kingdom” — as opposed to breeding fear that causes one to create a defensive magic so powerful not even food can get in. I should let go of my iron grip of protection of my kingdom — give over to the son.

The son! As in, Mark, the son, the sun, the christ.  I decided that was the right interpretation.

Not even food could get in. Yes, definitely related to my issues I’d say.


I walked around it, trying to figure out how I could un-do something as powerful as this thing obviously was.  I mean it was like 12 stories in size, and I was so tiny next to it, I felt rather insignificant comparatively.

After staring at it awhile, I realized: this is magic. It was made with magic. That is why it was from a king. My king (senior, 1st of 4 in our soulgroup) is tarot Wands. So I will need to take it down with magic, with “Will,” as the king, like when Senior is very present in me: because MY manifestation of full idealism — as the Ox, oddly enough, and it is so glorious when I have seen it, like a deva sort of, the power — it requires his presence in the fourth, before it has fully ‘come into its full being.’

I decided I was probably making this harder than it needed to be. Why not just try the standard stuff on it? Except this one, all four elements at once plus the heart chakra “love” element. I flew to above it — there wasn’t actually a lot of room, maybe ten feet between the top of it and the stone the people had built over it to enclose this — and I project all these things, as intensely as I could, and once it seemed to permeate the ‘shell’ of it, it crumpled quickly. It was a powerful mess of stuff on the ground then, and I projected myself underneath it, levitating it, and did the same thing again but from under now.

I got some sudden and great merge-rushing as part of this, particularly the first part, but not nearly as much as I might have expected.

And then it was gone.

Where did the rest of the energy go? I asked Mark.

We took it, said 3rd, and I looked at the three of them standing nearby.

I had the sense from the Four that it was important that I disassemble the “structure which had been built around the protective sphere” as if its existence would, to some degree, hold the thoughtform of it in place. So I just sent energy up powerfully and dissolved the very thin stone they’d built all around it like a gigantic lump in the middle of the landscape, so that area was completely open, and all the people could see that it was gone, it was clear.

The Four and I pulled offside, and watched ‘through time’ as people became aware of it and came to see and talked about the prophecy having been fulfilled.

And then we went back in time, coming toward the present there, and seeded the “prophecy” with many stories about how, when the magic had gone, that people would be kinder, that they would find it within their hearts to be more generous, that the land would see a surge in economic well being and happiness, and many other similar stories, which we tied into various aspects of the myth and the sphere, so that when this occurred, such a huge and physical thing in their world, belief-system wise it would seem impossible that anything except all those good things would now surely come to be, would come to pass.


PS: After writing the above I looked up ‘kabbalah’ and ‘125’ to see if the number has any interesting meaning. Maybe not really, or not more than most other numbers anyway. One place says:

125 Levels – Transformation of properties from egoism to altruism and attainment of the Upper world, the Divine Providence, whose only property is absolute bestowal. There are five basic levels defined as “worlds”. Each world consists of five main Partzufim. All the Partzufim include five sub-levels called “Sefirot”. In all: 5 worlds x 5 Partzufim x 5 Sefirot = 125 levels.

So, something about there being 125 levels of spiritual attainment. Probably some typically boring philosophy-on-paper that QBLH seems to have no end of. How many angels can dance on the head of a pin or whatever.

MY independent religion with Mark seems like more fun. 🙂

I don’t think this meditation has anything to do with the flattish-sphere and message on awakening. I think it’s just coincidence that they both involve (sort of) a sphere and that the issue of things-being-locked-out was present with both. Well wait. Now that I type that I feel like an idiot for assuming. But I don’t really see the connection. Maybe just a synchronicity thing.