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End of Nov 2013 sometime. I don’t know the exact date of this. I just found it in my text file, I forgot to blog it, had planned to do more related to it first.


I said I was done with denial. That I need Mark and the Four more than I need the denial now, and I sobbed in the pain of it for awhile. Then I asked to begin dealing with whatever is going on with lipedema, directly.

There was a young woman. She was unconscious. A man who had third’s energy handed her to me, I was sitting on a horse, and I had to carry her to a place where we could treat her. She was dead weight, weighed a ton, and it was totally exhausting getting her there. Slight archetype overlay of the movie ‘Ladyhawke’ and them taking the bird (who is the woman) to the castle where the monk is for healing.

I tried to heal her, but nothing seemed to happen.

I had this remembrance of an idea I had recently that the thoughtforms given me over time might be tools. My friend, my former teacher, expert at energy work, was always getting thoughtform tools. Aside from Sierpienta and a wand, I don’t feel I’ve had any of this, but I realized that maybe all the thoughtforms I have qualify as such. The statue of the four, of the queen, the sphere of the rose nebula, the lightning-sand statue of Mark, the plant Bloom and more which are all present in my room but mostly ignored by me.

I had wondered how such things could be tools, but then remembered that in ‘Wheel of Time’ there was this concept of power tools and they did not need to look like such. I had decided to try using that model.

So remembering all this, I decided to do that. I pulled the statuette of the queen over to me, held it at the shoulders with my right hand, held my left hand over the girl, and attempted to sort of ‘use/channel the power’ of it into her.

Not a thing happened. I kept trying, a variety of ways to ‘feel’ it. I mean you’d think since this work is imaginal that one could simply want it to be so, but that isn’t actually how it works when you’re doing it right and what you get is legit feedback.

I finally decided it wasn’t working, so I sent the statuette back to where it sits. I thought maybe I was using the wrong approach. So I said, O Queen, I ask you to please give me energy, insight, or whatever you are willing to share, concerning this energy I am working with.

I could sense then this fluid, filling up. Filling up the woman, filling up her cells, but also filling up the environment. Until finally she was floating, and I was standing and then we were both under water, but also very filled with water, and then it stopped.

Now, fluid is the primary part of lipedema; the fat cells (lipo) are greatly expanded with fluid it appears (vs. lymphadema, where it is the outer lymph tissues filled with fluid instead), so I thought perhaps this was giving me some kind of message about the fluid part.

But… nothing happened. I thought… maybe it would heal something. But nothing really happened.

I asked what I should do, and had the sense that often with the Four, the important thing is to ‘Be.’ But this seemed pointless in this particular situation. Despite that, I attempted to sit patiently for awhile, but I sensed no change.

Finally I asked for the fluid to be the ultimate solvent and to clean us, outside and all the way through, and it did seem like that happened, kind of, but still… nothing else.

This was turning out to be a very disappointing meditation.

I wondered what I should do. Then I had this insight that of course, I had associated the queen with the fluid, as she is water, tarot cups, that energy.

Then I associated her with the lipedema condition in my life, which made sense since when I met the queen of disks, and did the four elements, the sun “dried out” the entirety of my lipedemic fat and the wind blew it away, which was very odd at the time, that has never happened before, and it seemed clear at the time that the queen’s energy in my world was clearly manifesting there as that problem.

But then I wondered, So? She is one of four elements. Does this mean that it is “an elemental imbalance,” at root?

I thought of how fat people in Ayurveda are felt to have a kapha imbalance. That is often misunderstood, as one of their three body-types is kapha which is the kind of salt-of-the-earth heavy-set type, but that isn’t fat although it’s a higher bodyfat%. Real fat is the sign of a kapha “imbalance” in that model.

Then I thought of Steinbrecher, and his theory that the more you ‘suppressed’ an energy, imagine pushing it down ‘under the surface,’ the more the other side of that energy basically projected up into your reality above the surface. It is basically the imbalance — more energy into suppression means more energy projecting into seeming-otherness manifestation. Well this is pretty hugely present in my life, physically and effectively.

I know I have an issue with the feminine, allowing vulnerability, the left side, even the Aeons that I perceive as being to the left of me, all that is no mystery.

I remembered a past time when I had blogged here that during the day, I’d messed something up at work, and in fixing it found another error that would have embarrassed me if I hadn’t, and heard myself mutter, “Thank you for messing it up, so I could see that problem and fix it,” and had been musing about how maybe that is the bottom line, every problem we have is a pointer, is the manifested energetic issue in our symbolic world, that we can see/experience plainly, “in order that we may fix it.”

So it occurred to me since the Four of us make up ‘the Universe,’ and all the foregoing thoughts, that for me the lipedema situation is a “manifested symbol of an energy imbalance” which is a problem in my world that should help me to find and fix whatever is underlying this.

I asked for the Four, as us and as primary elements, to come together and it morphed for awhile until it settled into this shape.

and…. apparently I fell asleep at this point and didn’t continue typing. And cannot recall anything else. Sigh…

1-Dec-2013: The next meditation I had was the ‘Towers of Power and The Word’ which was on its own specific subject. I don’t know that it has any relationship to the above. Unless the energy imbalance part does somehow, but I wouldn’t know how.


Back to the present time. So for 2-3 days I had nothing else on the 10 day ‘long play fugue world’ I blogged about recently. I was working on getting it written down. I have recorded about 70% of it… it is 25,000 words so far… I will probably not be able to record much of the rest… and it’s the weirdest experience.

It’s like the time flow is often a koan. Like I will have had a certain experience in a certain context and linear time-flow. But then when recalling it, I realize it couldn’t have been in that ‘place’ of time, because of other factor X. It had to be way over here, like much later. Except way over there, that can’t be right, because it had this factor of Y also, which clearly put it where I said in the first place. It is utterly mind boggling! It’s like it all works perfectly, right up until I try to get it to fit together.

It’s like an Escher drawing in first-person memory form. Everything is totally right, individually. But there are places where the parts right next to each other are completely impossible.

Hmmn, I suddenly just remembered something I once read from Crowley, talking about having this experience in real life… remembering these guys visiting him in place-time 1, but then realizing that was impossible, because he hadn’t even met them until place-time 2 much later elsewhere, etc. but it had to be possible as significant things happened at the meeting, but the meeting was at a house in a country where he hadn’t even been for some time when he finally met them elsewhere, initially.

Come to think of it. My life is like the first-person story-version of an Escher drawing.


Then I woke up the other morning having had a detailed dream in that world again. This specifically “opened up” a certain character I had interacted with, a man, and it went back and showed me his history and more. It made me feel warmth and love and appreciation for the insight into him. There was quite a bit of detail. I knew that I had even been woken up so I could write it down.

But I was so freaking cold. I am so miserable this winter. I’m freezing my ass off most the time and when I’m not, I’m choking and can barely breathe because the little space heater is so profoundly effective at removing every molecule of humidity from the room, even a humidifier seems to have zero effect. I got a viral illness that should be gone but a month later, perhaps in great part due to the humidity issue that’s literally a health hazard, I can barely talk as if my whole respiratory system is a desert. I was lying in bed wide awake but cold, but I knew if I moved a muscle I’d be even more cold, I was at least under all my blankets. My laptop computer was alas too far away to just grab without half getting up and getting colder.

I laid there dirking around about it, thinking, I won’t forget, right? I mean it’s so clear in me now, surely I won’t forget if I put it off a little while. Then it was nearly time for work, and I started to write it down, but… I forgot most of it.

I’m so mad at myself.