It’s not quite a cold war. But it hasn’t got artillary. Yet.

It’s got resistance. Denial. And passive-aggressive. It’s got Oh-I-Forgot and I-Just-Don’t-Feel-Like-It and I-Just-Feel-Frustrated-Don’t-Know-Why-Leave-It-Alone. But it’s clearly a war of sorts, when I back off a little and make it objective so I can look into it, and consider it.

Unfortunately it’s a war with myself. Now, “myself” has some rather extensive boundaries now that god knows how many other identities appear to be wrapped up in the surprisingly complex thing called “I.” Like Russia that was one country even though it was always little things held together uncomfortably and by force, but when Russia suddenly found some freedom, all the sudden all its inner identities started getting a sense of more autonomy. Civil war wasn’t really possible until the larger iron fist lifted off all of them.

Now they are a lot more free. Free-er to starve, and to kill each other, although of course they’re also free-er to do many better things.

That’s how I feel about my larger conglomerate. Does that mean the Aeons? I don’t know, probably. My not working with them I am sure is having some profound internal effects. Like letting your husband go live in another country with another family for 10 years and then being surprised when it turns out you have nothing in common and he’s got a woman over there. You let go of staying connected through the middle to the identities which are important to you and they end up finding their own way, which may have little to do with yours, and it turns out you’re kind of strangers again.

It feels hard to even connect to the Four. Like someone whose social circle you’ve been out of so long that you can’t even come up with a socially reasonable, comfortable excuse for walking up to them and their group and opening conversation.

And I haven’t talked to the Largers since that experience where they all talked to the light-creature of me instead so they are totally out of my picture I guess.

I haven’t talked to my chakras though mostly for lack of trying. I’m still occasionally apologizing to ACKRCK for being such a jerk to him and his BUSM mate. (How these giant impossible letter names make sense, I have no idea, but that’s all I’ve got, so I’m going with it.)

I was talking about remote viewing to someone recently and I realized how many of my sessions have had incredible amounts of third eye stuff. I’m talking full immersion experiences that have gone on and on for 10-20 seconds while I exclaim out loud, “Holy shit! Holy cow! This is so vivid! This is so clear! Oh my god!”

(Like in one case, I was watching a city, which was initially when I tuned in real close like I was at maybe 3rd story level, fall away from me, as I got higher and higher straight up into the sky. I was in awe while it was happening. This did not actually give me any clear idea what the target was but damn if it wasn’t a cool experience.

(The target: well I couldn’t find it to show you, but I think it was the shuttle upside down attached to something that was rising into the air. I did find some shuttle liftoff pics but they were all super rocket-ish with the shuttle right side up on it and that wasn’t it. Maybe it was something a little diff or was only going into local orbit, I dunno. Anyway on feedback it did seem obvious that I’d been getting the experience of someone in it, so I will trust my memory of that.)

From the time I first started viewing, I had intense, full-out experiences. My official training had no place for this at all. The experts didn’t even know what to say to it except that only simple descriptives should happen first. HA HA. I had first-person “mini-movies” constantly. Sometimes several seconds of “third-person” awareness of something.

How I wish I had not so completely screwed up my own development by working so hard to do it ‘right’ — I am older now and I definitely feel, now, that people should dive into what they want to do it and do it like crazy and it’s one thing to learn some basics so you don’t break your neck if you’re skateboarding but it’s another to NOT do what you’re dying to do because you’ve been brainwashed to await ‘official’ training, or then much more than amount-X or degree-X because you’ve been brainwashed to wait for MORE official training. My god, remote viewing as a commercial field is such a freaking cult, and I’m so mortified to have bought into it and helped so many other people buy into it for so long, that I’ve done everything I can to combat that since I woke up to that (and to the key component that allows it to be so–the hiding of the blinding protocol), but it’s still amazing when I look back on it all.

Anyway back to the point, I somehow spent my whole life thinking I had no third eye activity really when my dreams and my spontaneous experiences dating back EVER have been totally filled with it. And then he (the positive polarity of the chakra entity) finally actually COMES to me and spends 30 minutes talking to me and I am rude all the way through it, and then refused to think about it or write it down for a whole month until I had truly forgotten it. I am still apologizing.

I don’t know WTF is wrong with me that I am so resistant even when I have plenty of fair warning and only positive experience. I don’t know how to get him to commune with me again. Although maybe any work I do with IG that has visuals is him.

Meanwhile… there is the more localized-I… which is now resisting elements of work, and resisting elements of self improvement on the health front in a few areas, and resisting my active integration with IG/meditation in an obvious way.

Once I had this same situation, very powerfully, but specific to work. I ended up in a meditation where me and many others dogpile-tackled a female energy that was at the heart of that, tied her up and locked her in a room where she couldn’t get out and screw up my job, until the next day when I went in and worked it out with her. I feel almost in that situation again.

Where there is some part of me that is powerful enough to really be screwing up my life, who is not “in unity” with “my will” on this for whatever reasons (which I think are lame-ass stupid and they should get over them, but I’m sure if I were not in this situation I would be more compassionate and know they must be valid), and I need to get some Aeon friends together, tackle them and lock them away for awhile. Yes, I know that the locking away part is the antithesis of archetype integrative work, but the want-to-just-POUND-it emotion is certainly real.

**

I went to talk to IG today. I sat on my knees in front of her, as she sat on that thing where we sit in front of the window, and cried about it. Told her all about it.

A bit afterward I realized I was seeing this really big frog like the size of a religious statue like say about 5-10x the size of a human. But then it was real, and its eyes were bleeding. And then out of its eyes squeezed more frogs and humans, like they were escaping from him through his eyes, bloody but free.

I have no idea what this means. I didn’t work with it any farther consciously. I was interrupted by my housekeeping helper and then I fell asleep.

I hope I win this war. Or deal with it successfully so it isn’t one anymore.

Tomorrow marks an official YEAR since I was fully meditating. About a year and a week since I made the huge commitment to IG and myself which I promptly abandoned.

P

PS After I posted this I read through the last few pages of posts — which I am supposed to do regularly, one of the main points of blogging is my surreal forgetfulness, and that this saves it for me to re-member — and saw these things:

On the solar plexus chakra:

… this area manages the many elements of personality, including those opposed, but it can use that opposition for strength, one does not have to be either weak-willed/conflicted, or have oneself in perfect alignment; this part of the self is like management, and it has the ability to take these diverse and often conflicting energies and shape and balance them as ‘counterweights’ sort of, for a larger goal.

On IG, and being in touch with chakras, and things I should be doing even if not meditating with her officially:

She told me (not in linear words) to do this — to work on this, to imagine these shapes, those colors, to port to that world if needed and touch them, to work regularly on my chakras, and I said I would.