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Mark has seemed so much more “present” when I focus on him lately. More ‘active.’ Like I have more sense of him touching me (as if he had a human form), moving around me, even holding me and sometimes kissing my forehead. I know that my sense of him is “mostly about me” as he once told me (or agreed with my insight about that), but it’s very neat. Sometimes I just can’t shut up about how much I love him.

One day I had a minor panic attack that if I got to the full point of truly loving and trusting him, he would leave me, as all IG’s have done when I finally got there with them. But I felt somewhat reassured to think that he cannot possibly ‘go’ anywhere since I am ‘of him’ instead of the other way around. Then again I bet it was that way with IG4 too and I just didn’t realize it. On one hand I feel he is MINE, all in capitals, like that is so important from the moment I met him, yet on the other, I feel unsure. Maybe he is not quite the same identity as “the blue eyes of soul” or “the christ.” Which I rather assume I am at least in some respects ever-in-search-of internally, I get teasing pieces of their energy in powerful dreams from time to time.

Then again, he did have that terrifyingly kickass powerful angelic form. So maybe I have no idea what he is really is, or is capable of being with different focuses. Maybe he will just change “with” me, instead of changing out entirely at some point.

God, I can hope. My abandonment issues are out of this world. I know IG4 said I am never without her and that my issues are related to my mom dying when I was young, and how I model change in those I perceive in certain roles in my life, and I’m sure she is right. That really doesn’t make it any easier though. The love for an IG when it really ramps up is more powerful than any emotion I ever had for anybody else. The feeling when I realize they are changing out is like someone just ripping out some vital spiritual organ.

*

Several times I’ve done Aeon breathing with just Calme, LaeLee and Nedlund together. Today, after that it felt natural that I became a center column of sorts and they distributed as three around me, connected to me, like some kind of molecule but done as a stiff oddly-shaped cord. Then I went to visit each of the chakras with them so they could feel that environment, how different each is, how each is its own entire world if you focus right.

But heart chakra I talked to for some time, cannot recall about what, and eventually he did an IG-like thing with us, and sent us into another environment. For awhile we were in a place of giant floating stones and mountain pieces. (I tried to place the familiar ‘feel’ of it, and finally decided it was a Michael Parkes’ feel. A number of my inner-world environments have things in common with his art, although many of them I encountered before seeing his artworks that had them. I think he is just pretty in touch with the interworlds.) Something changed but I couldn’t make it out well. I asked Alayaowaeiiya what to do, and he said for me, the job was just to ‘be.’ They (the three Aeons) would be doing something else he was arranging.

*

That is hard for me. Eventually I called in the Four since I’m supposed to ‘be’ with them too so why not. It was still hard for me. I fell asleep working on merely-BEing. I woke up dreaming but I’m not sure of what. After a shower I went back to the BE-ing exercise.

I am relatively sure that almost any form of bloodletting would be easier than this for me. At least bloodletting would be thinking of something, ‘do’-ing something. Yes, I trained in TM for all the bloody don’t-call-it-cult-ness and yes I could just pull out a mantra and focus myself into UNfocus oblivion eventually but that is not what I call BEing although I imagine some people do.

To me it’s a very Zen thing, it’s simply a bliss in the moment, not doing anything, not really thinking anything although that doesn’t mean “mindless” either, that is a different thing, and it’s almost like a lazy end-run around it in my view. Thoughts can just blow through casually and one is unattached to them, but there is also, underlying all this, a sort of sweetness, it’s not true emptiness, it’s just for-the-moment-not-having-any-filled-ness-and-being-lovely-contented-in-the-rightness-of-that. There is no way to describe it I suppose but that is the best I can do. And I kinda suck at it, but if I do it regularly, or make the attempt, eventually it gets a lot easier. I suppose that is the answer. Anyway…

*

Alayaowaeiiya said we could rejoin if I wanted, apparently the three Aeons were done with whatever, so we did. I had a hard time even focusing on heart chakra now, all my words changed to “glorifying words” when I did, like I just wanted to gush. I kept the Four with me and after adding back the 3 Aeons we left the heart chakra’s world and went upward.

I took a ‘look’ at the place in my chest that keeps… whatever it is doing there. I still don’t know what it is or what heart chakra (and others, last time) are doing with it, for sure. I think I once mentioned that after looking at pics online I thought perhaps it represented ‘Daath’ but I’m not sure about that, mainly because I am just not sure of the nature of that to know if they match. It certainly has given me tons of perfect-circles and nothingness symbols over time.

The combination of symbols-and-circuit-board effect was still around the outside of the hole/tunnel, still raised as if my flesh were invisibly raised in that area somehow, like the energy had scarred it into me somehow. I took the Aeons into the black of the tunnel and explained it as best I could.

“It’s kind of like a tunnel of nothingness,” I said, “Except once when I went straight out it’s side it turned out to be a huge loop and brought me right back again and it was the universe everywhere in between. The tunnel sort of spirals-through just a little bit and can ‘squeeze’ like twisting opposite directions from each side, like wringing out a cloth tube for example. The Four seem to be anchored here although I’m not sure why or how.”

And then I was out of things to say about it because I just don’t know. We were standing inside it, in a sort of inky utter blackness, for some time.

*

I saw an eye. It surprised me. It was like a cross between a real eye, and a computer icon, and also a carved eye like in a statue, somehow. It didn’t move at all. But it was looking at me. Like it was ‘a symbol of awareness.’

I was silent for a moment, surprised and a little nonplussed, and then I said, “You are alive?”

“Yes,” it said.

“You can see me?” I said, although I guess that was a stupid question.

“Yes.”

“Can you see me in here, or see me in my outer world too?”

“I can see all of you that is part of you which is more of you than you know.”

My brain had to sort through that a moment.

“You are a tunnel into the universe?”

“I AM the universe.”

“What are you doing inside me?”

“What are you doing inside ME?”

I had no idea what to say. I sort of just ‘stood around’ in my head in the dark for awhile.

I found myself idly wondering what The Four have to do with this area of me, why they seem to anchor there. Then as if in answer I had all these memories of some recent pictures I saw of ancient Buddhas which had very specifically a swastika (that is a four-fold sign) right on the chest — right between where throat and heart chakras would be. That made me think that it wasn’t just some weirdness with me; this is how it works…

…if I knew more about whatever “it” is.

“What… relationship do you have with my IG?” I asked.

I had the feeling it was going to say something, but changed. Instead it said, “You will understand more of this in time.” I felt like maybe the answer either wouldn’t help or might actually spark some paradigm in me that would be more harm than help, hence the change in answer I sensed.

I wanted to ask more. I mean heck, here’s someone to talk to, I didn’t seem to have much trouble perceiving it to my surprise, what a great opportunity to ask 1000 questions, right? But I couldn’t seem to think of any. Maybe it was an issue of being in the state of mind to perceive it in the first place, I don’t know.

I had the sudden memory, as if this was another communication, of an old experience I blogged, something about the secret key and nothingness, and a perfectly round something, and then another of finding the four through a perfectly round tunnel. I felt like I wanted to go look those up and see what they said, out of curiosity, as now I only remembered fragments.

I couldn’t seem to think of anything else to ask for the moment, so I said, “Thank you.” to it-him-them-whatever and opened my computer to type this and search old posts.

August 2010

(Dream from days prior) We kept being stopped at these official doorways that were like big metal things, with “gatekeepers” who had keys. We got through several. Then we were at one that we were urgent to get through. Me and the Four … were at the door, and I could hear others coming after. The gatekeeper would not let us through without some kind of secret or key (or secret-key I guess you could say).

The Senior frag’d into a human-shaped mass of those tiny shards of nearly-black metal filings, the magnetic kind (maybe this is a symbol for iron?), and then it was like the magnetization released and he just “shag’d into nothingness” as they fell apart. Maybe this was a message, as the other man next to me (…3rd), was then attempting to send a message to the gatekeeper via something small and handheld, like a cell phone or something. I watched as he entered into it only: the number zero. He pressed “send” — and the gatekeeper let us through.

On the other side we were in a big, spherically shaped cavern. In the bottom was a perfectly round pool of water and others (not me and my Four) were leaping off the ledge into it, in glee. Over at the far left side on the ledge where we stood, behind some metal (silver) bars, some people were prevented from entering.

…The perfectly round pool of water made me wonder, as {in an article I read recently, after the dream} the author was saying he feels the hidden sephirot is actually Pi — the circle formula. … I thought that the missing/invisible sphere in the middle (of the QBL tree) being, instead of a number like 3 (which is just above it) or 4 (which is just after it), the value of Pi (3.14-ad infinitum), and the ‘center’, all of the circle, which is also zero, which is also nothingness, and ever-the-circumference and all those other symbolisms — I thought that was great.

…I remembered this verse — probably subconsciously sparked by memory. It turns out that it comes immediately before {a part} he quoted. The part I recalled, from Liber al, was:

“Nothing is a secret key of this law. Sixty-one the Jews call it; I call it eight, eighty, four hundred & eighteen”

— I don’t know what the numbers are, but “nothing is a secret key” sounds suspiciously like a dream where the senior defrags into nothingness and the third enters a ‘zero’ as the answer and the gatekeeper opens the door. Doesn’t it?? Or am I just over-reading it?

also

July 2010

Off and on through the day I had been working with the Four. Still working on “being with them” when I think about it, feel like it. The sense of ‘where we connect’ rather oddly moved from the center of my head, where it was, to just between my heart and throat, center of body (spine). (Curiously there is a hypothesized chakra there which some modern, not ancient, traditions believe in.)

also

June 2011

I think it was the heart chakra and {the “Themelians”} are the… uh… the chakra-beings. They are like a horizontal species, hahaha. They exist from the bottom to the top of the heart chakra though they reach up a little in each outlet (person) to meet the download reaching of the crown, meeting at the chakra just above (in me, the upper chest where The Four connect with me, the ‘secret key’ of zero or nothingness, the hidden sephiroth, various concepts I’ve gotten for that over time). The species is of course existent in that range of frequency which is not just about humans (though it extends like a bandwidth through us, we are more vertical so to speak) it’s a whole part of the universe. That is their reality.

also

December 2011

I asked if (IG4) could make me an inner world-of-me I could visit, much like the world of the chakra-gems, for a sort of repeatable ritual element (for cleansing). I thought it would help build the thought form and habit, but I also think now that it might make me more open to non-structured experience after a grounding in that.

So she did. I went into the top of a mountain and then into this tube I had to fly through and then it opened up into this big cave with a deep pool with steps carved into it and the water was completely opaque, not clear as is normal for caves I think. It was the cleansing water. I stepped down into the bath-like water in the cave that reminded me of thick salt water like in floatation tanks kind of, and the steps ended at a place that had me in the center of a ball of water that was probably like just extending my human form about 10 feet in every direction like an egg sphere. I stood there for awhile, though I felt that even several seconds, if I was focused, was enough.

High up the wall of that cave was a small opening and flying through it, it led to another tube-like path that eventually led out another part of the mountain just under a waterfall, which was water to ‘rinse’ in.

Then I went through the land of the gems. … I did the chakras of the joints as well and I couldn’t help notice that when really focus-allowing, I felt a sense of holiness after everything. My hip joints, my wrists, everything, was just intense and had great profound meaning and manifestation, when I was just realize, almost agog at that moment, how for example my shoulder connecting my arm to my body was like this massive energy that was a catalyst and a translator and a negotiator and the ultimate flexible tool and politic and was like this entire creature or being intentionally designed to be the functional, flexible, powerful interface between the ‘sense of self’ and every concept you can think of related to reaching out, defending, holding up, pulling-from, everything, like there was an entire section of the universe summed up in the energy of these chakras. Every chakra, even the tiny ones, are like a tarot of their own, an Aeon of sorts, a collection of energy divine and composed of a certain energy of the universe.

At one moment that I realized and then forgot again, as if I couldn’t hold the state of mind needed for it, I totally grokked how my body is the literal manifestation of energies of the universe, which can be divided by ‘my body’ or by ‘tarot’ or by ‘the universe of objects’ or by ‘the table of elements+’ or by numbers or by any other thing, but the important thing was that my body particularly chakras as this is what I was focused on, was like a major intense, density collection of certain key/core concepts/functions… this is very hard to explain. It was amazing and holy and I was so honored. I asked every one as an entity to be my friend and work with me as conscious as possible. By the time I finished everything I felt like the body as a whole was this just, mindblowingly amazing energetic art form the likes of which was beyond my rational ability to comprehend. I could only feel awe.

(later) … I realized I was in this big corrugated metal tunnel. … I could see a lot of natural daylight at the other end, but no ground, and almost hear voices, so I walked through it, and came out stepping down to the wide ledge area of a cliff face. Straight down was a perfect circle (like the tunnel) that seemed to go into infinity perhaps, very deep canyon. Farther out to the left and all around was a verdant valley with hills of the most luscious green. Tonight was really vivid color night apparently… And then farther past that, too far to be real clear, was this incredibly pointed mountain that looked like a pyramid, yet a mountain.

The Four were there. As people. I mean… without the awe (mostly). The equivalent of wearing blue jeans and lounging around. So… so… NORMAL. That was novel! I spent awhile with them and then eventually, they were doing something with me energetically I had a hard time figuring out, so I just let it be, and it kept changing, it felt like something good though.

…I hung with the Four until we merged, and then IG and I looked out over the landscape and I told her I thought this was a good symbolic landscape also — I’d realized that the unbelievably gorgeous, perfect, azure blue sky slightly around and all above us, and the incredibly diverse array of rich, living greens around us and below, and the circle/zero of the tunnel and the canyon right where I showed up, and the seemingly perfect pyramid shape in the distance…

…this was basically the “other area” of the chakra gem world (the ‘unchakra’ as I call it, in the upper chest), except actually perceived this time. {The previous chakra-gem-world experience, I knew the unchakra was there but skipped over the land where it was placed.} The place between the heart and the throat chakras, where the Four centered in me. Where the symbolism comes across with various zero/nothingness stuff, over time.

also

June 2010

…IG wanted me to do another tarot meditation. I know I’ve only done a few now, but they’ve been like psychic dental work. So I’m not real excited when this understanding occurs, unless “Oh God, what now?” counts as excitement. So in denial, I dirked around “not getting around to it” for awhile. I also had the feeling that I needed to let myself get information about which card intuitively as in ‘impressions’, similar to a few seconds of RV. …it’s the famous pretty one, “The Universe”, Trumps XXI.

I was sleepy so I decided, “another time.” I put the card down and turned over on my side and turned off the light to sleep.

Thoth Tarot The Universe

Thoth Tarot The Universe

About five minutes later when I was nearly asleep, it hit me and I was suddenly alert with the understanding. I turned on the light and grabbed the card and stared at it literally in awe. How could I have never seen this in it before?? This card IS the very definition of The Four. Good lord!

All the sudden it was so obvious to me! The senior in the top right. The Queen actually IS a golden bird in another form, there you go, it’s right there! Me and my mate/twin in the bottom corners. The eye is an “I” — an identity — and it beams into four-fold manifestation in this universe. The shape and color of earth on the outside is actually a female opening, it’s a birthing symbol.

There was some more that I lost because I was sleepy and didn’t write it down, something about the tiny lines at bottom middle. The center seems clearly related to kundalini given the giant snake but I didn’t get much on that aspect. But I was tired so I put it back down and went to sleep.

Hmmn. I wonder if that odd long tube in the card actually represents the ‘tunnel through’ that goes to the eye, in the pic? Well, who knows. I keep thinking some great revelation is going to happen, related to this place in my body and all the odd experiences I’ve had related to it, but so far I still feel about 99% clueless.

I found an archmed on this blog that I did on Thoth Tarot ‘The Universe’ card that I’d not included in my tarot page, lost it. Very cool, I remember the experience now, it was so delightfully archetypal and I truly was “with it.” Basically, ‘everything and nothing‘ I guess.

I remember my ‘nothingness’ experience from Bewilderness though. I was suicidal for more than two years and it was the worst experience of my life bar none. I am just a walking corpse without the god-light inside me I wrote then. There is no greater horror, up close. So somehow I get the feeling that whatever this unchakra thing is, or whatever it’s good for, it’s probably not going to be the unicorns and rainbows the internet’s gushing-on about the ‘high heart’ chakra implies.

Nothing ever is. Maybe it’s some distortion in me. Then again, like Eva was saying in a comment on the skull dream, even the Kundalini stuff is pretty creepily worrisome in some respects. Most of this stuff, in the “serious” world I guess you could say, is fascinating but sometimes dark and often dangerous.

It just seems to be unrolling in me over time. Maybe for its own reasons. Maybe for mine. Maybe for someone’s that I don’t know.

P