Well first I should catch up a little from stuff I haven’t blogged.
Just before my ‘attention’ made a 180 degree turn away from meditative and into the mundania of my daily attention, I had a conversation with ACKRCK. That’s an inner-identity that showed up and talked to me a few times and very clearly spelled his name (more than once) loudly so I would not forget it. I suspected at one point that he was a chakra-identity simply because of how my attention had been going around then.
Well I was sitting here on the sofa with my laptop one evening and very abruptly he just showed up in my head. Inner Guide was there, and IG said it was cool and really him, although I wasn’t in doubt. He said he was the — well, like what my eye said once — the “representational identity” of the collected energy of… my forehead chakra. I said, “But – but – I thought for sure it would be a lower chakra, because the Ajna is not even real open on me, I tend to sense/hear things better than see them,” but apparently he doesn’t have an identity crisis, and the confusion is only mine.
We had a long, like 30 minute back & forth conversation. I did not want to be having it. I felt resistant, resentful, a lot like I did with my Aeons when I first met them. I felt like my logical mind was trying to help me by bellowing, “You’re just making this up!” every 60 seconds whether I needed it or not. I knew I needed to blog it, to record the conversation.
But I was in denial so I put it off. Then the next morning I put it off. And that night. And time passed and I kept putting it off until I had, finally, forgotten basically everything that was said. Then I told myself, “I would blog it, but alas I don’t recall it anymore. But I had every intention of writing it down, really no kidding absolutely yessir.”
For the last month or so I have been intentionally modeling this “framing” as NLP might call it. Have you see that show ‘Caprica’? They have this “virtual reality game” and I really love the visuals of it. I have been saying nearly every day: Dear God. Thank you for my role in this AMAZING GAME. Every time I wake up here, it seems so real!! I know that I can do anything while here and there is tons of potential.
And then I think of my body, whom I renamed Avatar for obvious reasons, as a whole spiritual and physical entity all its own, with whom I am a symbiote, much like a Trill on Star Trek: DS9. And I work on feeling affection and appreciation for it, and wanting to be really good friends with it-me-us.
I had some quality solo tantric time and I suddenly decided to send all that energy to every cell of my body with sparkly gold affection. It was amazing, really calm but sweet and I wondered why I had never thought of that before. I mean how come my body does all the work but then gets none of the energy?
This morning I did a brief touch with the Aeons, first time in eons.
Lately, off and on for months actually, I have had this feeling like my job was not going to last. Not a ‘logical’ feeling. Just a weird feeling like I was… metaphysically losing traction with it. I’ve told myself this is imagination.
Sometimes, I have felt it so strongly that I just freak out. NO! I tell the Aeons, IG, and anybody else internal who will listen. No, no! No matter what, not that! Oh my god, oh please, oh please NOT THAT. Look, if probability is infinite then there is no reason why, if you want me to do something else, you can’t bring it TO me and let ME decide — while I still am working. Under NO circumstances do I want my job to end and I hereby officially request that all of you help me KEEP it.
Sometimes, I almost feel as if there is argument about this. Like the energy is moving that way and I’m like, beating against a rolling stone and it’s pointless. But it doesn’t matter. I argue, I rant, inside my head. Yes I’m afraid SO WHAT, I say. I MUST stay employed, oh my god I’m so scared even thinking of the alternative! I do not CARE what my future might be or if it would be better if something changed. I don’t want anything to change! No!
I don’t know where that is coming from. It scares the hell out of me. I mean jesus H, I am 44 years old, very fat, I live in nowhere Oklahoma, I don’t even have a car right now, it’s not like getting another job would be easy, especially in this massive unemployment economy!! I like my job! I love it, I love working from home, I want to keep it!
A few nights ago I had the oddest impulse: I felt like meditating. This IS odd. Not only because I haven’t been doing any of that stuff in quite awhile, but because even when I do, I usually meditate because I know I should, or feel impelled, not because I am just feeling calm and nice and it feels like the right thing to do. This feeling of ‘all is right with the world’ doesn’t happen often in my life. Of course, with a little effort, I managed to ignore that urge.
Night before last it came back again. I ignored it. I can’t remember why, later, but I had the urge to look for something while I was sitting in bed, and I leaned over the far side to search the floor and the little rack under my bedside table. While there, I had the urge to open the bottom drawer on the other side of my big double-layer captain’s bed. I was upside down as I opened the drawer, and I saw this box I used to have and haven’t seen in awhile, it is black, red felt inside, and has a gold stamp imprint of Egyptian stuff on the top.
Curious, I opened it up, and there was my oversized deck of Thoth Tarot. I had to assume that my housekeeping helper found those and put them there, as the last time I saw them (months ago) they were somewhere else. But it struck me as so curious and interesting and I knew immediately that some part of me wanted to meditate on something tarot. At that moment, I again had that “everything is as it should be” feeling that also comes with a feeling of sort of … not quite predestination, but some kind of dharma, nothing by chance impression.
Now given the last Tarot archetype meditation I did (Knight of Wands) kicked my ass hard and took six months to get through, this is not really something I would or should look forward to. But it “felt peaceful and right”. Peace, I might add, is not an emotion I feel a lot of, so it’s a novelty.
I took the cards out of the box and (upside down to me) sorted through them with my hands. I felt that if I just slowly shuffled through, I would get the ‘feeling’ that one of them was the one for me to work on. I was just starting to cynically grin at myself when I really FELT like this would WORK. Not just like a ‘light’ feeling. A really *strong* feeling that one of those cards was the ‘right’ one. And I could feel instantly that it was probably about 13% of the way through the deck from the left as I was holding them. I closed my eyes and felt through them, back, no over, then no too far, then no the one next to it, and that was it.
I turned it over. It’s a card called The Tower. I don’t know what this is or means, but I noticed it had a lot of the same colors as the Knight of Wands did.
I was going to look up the meaning but that would require getting up and going back to the living room where my computer was so I just settled myself in bed and went through quite a long preparatory process for meditation, where I gradually called in just about everybody. And then fell asleep.
I forgot about it yesterday.
Then yesterday evening, I was winding down, and usually I ‘push myself’ whether with house stuff or computer stuff until I am literally passing out sitting up. But last night I felt like, “Ok. It is time to meditate now.” I wanted to. Wow go figure. It felt “right”. So I went to bed early and got myself all situated sitting up and did some more prep work. And then fell asleep. Heh!
This morning when I finally woke up (it took several alarm snoozes first), I felt like meditating. I had time before work, so I sat down in my glider-rocker and put on my soft robe and doubled my wonderful thick microfleece blanket around me and just “felt like one with myself.”
It’s the kind of meditation I did *constantly* during my “Bewilderness” era. I would simply ‘sit’, as if I were bringing all the parts of me together cohesively, as if I were ‘being with myself’, and I called it being “in the center.” So I did that for awhile before anything else today, and it was such a great way to start my day!
I still don’t know what it means. Hang on I’m going to go look it up…
Oh for godssakes! It figures. Here’s some quotes from Wiki about it:
This card follows immediately after The Devil in all Tarots that contain it, and is considered an ill omen.
but wait, it gets better:
Description and symbolism: A tower has just been hit by lightning and is aflame. The top of the tower is crumbling and falling to the ground beneath. In some decks, two figures fall from the top of the tower; in others, the people themselves are on the ground in flames or are themselves hit by the lightning. Sometimes they are simply onlookers to the fire.
Some frequent keywords used by card readers are:
* Chaos —– Sudden change —– Impact —– Hard times
* Crisis —– Revelation —– Disruption —– Realizing the truth
* Disillusion —– Crash —– Burst —– Uncomfortable experience
* Downfall —– Ruin —– Ego blow —– Explosive transformation
Many differing meanings are attributed to the card:
* To some, it symbolizes failure, ruin and catastrophe.
* To others, the Tower represents the paradigms constructed by the ego, the sum total of all schema that the mind constructs to understand the universe. The Tower is struck by lightning when reality does not conform to expectation.
* Epiphanies, transcendental states of consciousness, and Kundalini experiences may result.
* The Tower further symbolizes that moment in trance in which the mind actually changes the direction of the force of attention from alpha condition (pointed mindward) to theta condition (pointed imaginal stageward). A Theta condition (especially in waking versions of theta states) is that moment when information coming into the ego-mind overwhelms external or sensory stimuli, resulting in what might otherwise be called a “vision” or “hallucination.”
* Each card in the Major Arcana is a related to the previous ones. After the self bondage of The Devil, life is self correcting. Either the querents must make changes in their own lives, or the changes will be made for them.
* The querent may be holding on to false ideas or pretenses; a new approach to thinking about the problem is needed. The querent is advised to think outside the box. The querent is warned that truth may not oblige schema. It may be time for the querent to re-examine belief structures, ideologies, and paradigms they hold to. The card may also point toward seeking education or higher knowledge.
* Others believe that the Tower represents dualism, and the smashing of dualism into its component parts, in preparation for renewal that does not come from reified, entrenched concepts. The Ivory Tower as a parallel image comes to mind, with all its good parts and its bad parts.
Crap. I was much more cheerful until I read this. WHY would I need this card? Oh god, I hope it doesn’t relate to my job. I’m far more ok with my entire soul being rendered in the dark than I am the slightest threat to my job.
Hopefully tonight I will get to stay awake. I really wasn’t trying to stay awake the last two nights. It actually “felt right” that I should spend a bunch of time focusing on gathering my inner-world contacts and grounding and chakra stuff and more, and then go ahead and let it go for awhile. Tonight is night 3 so maybe the basics are covered and I can start the archmed.
I don’t know if my Four and ‘The Tower’ as we call it are related to this card or not. (I mean, there are a lot of towers in the world, and in symbolism.)