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I went back to IG. He stood and approached me, and then I had this super-fast ‘overlay’ between one step and another. Like an overlay impression you get in RV. I get them in meditations too.

I stopped and rewound and saw that in the overlay, he literally backhanded me hard and I fell. I was so shocked! Yet it didn’t seem like ‘him’ but rather like ‘an overlay impression I myself had’. I said in shock to him right away, “I want our relationship to be clean. Some energy caused me to perceive that. I do want to work 10 of Wands, but I want to work through this more and right away, can we do that?” He nodded yes, and I closed my eyes.

Big noise everywhere around me and I opened my eyes to see I was about to get hit with moving stuff from several directions, and I dropped to mouse size and ran to a nearby wall and stood against it, looking up. I was in some kind of “industrial” environment, there were machines everywhere but it was totally crazy and chaos, noise and violence and fire and everything nearly out of control and on top of one another, and I had the impression of forge-type things and iron. I remembered that on the 10 of Wands Thoth tarot card I had noticed that the two wands in focus seemed like they had been painted to represent iron. I suddenly wondered if that brief overlay with Mark was actually the energy of the card in me, and not separate.

I made myself like a tall thin pole against the wall nobody would notice, so my perspective was higher and watched the chaos. I was afraid to walk into any of it lest something whack the crap out of me, it was just nuts, the environment. Some huge burly very dirty guy was occasionally shouting something at others that I couldn’t quite understand, not far from me.

“Mark,” I said to him in my head, “Should I be looking for an archetype? A person or object or something in all this chaos?”

“You won’t know,” he said, making clear this answer was about all our work, that this is just something I needed to deal with. “Go into the environment and interact.”

I wondered how it is that I worry about my well-being in these meditations, I mean my head can force-imagine over anything even the autonomous stuff. I feel it in my gut like these things have a level of reality — emotions like fear and surprise and love are quite real in the meds. Anyway, so I asked Mark: “Will my appearance matter?” I considered shifting into the dominant-4th, the white-blonde woman. “Not in this case,” he answered.

So I sucked up the chaos-fear in my gut and found a way into a slightly open area in the middle that didn’t seem in danger of being clobbered with some moving machine or part or person/tool, at least not instantly.

“You!” the big burly man hollered right near me, startling me. “Boss been lookin for you!”

“Where’s the boss?” I asked in response.

He pointed. Out the other way there were some stairs and up high some kind of office overlooking the area. I walked that way and had to literally leap over things, duck and weave, to get to the stairs, after which it was ok. But even the stairs and walls had junk all over, it was just a really crappy environment.

I knocked on the office door and mimicking the accent and style of the big guy downstairs I yelled, “Yo, boss!” I heard a yell I didn’t understand but I assumed was some form of ‘come in’ so I opened the door and entered and closed it behind me.

A man was in a chair behind a desk and was swiveling toward me when he recognized me and instantly was really angry, and leaped up out of his chair, yelling, “There you are! You! Do you KNOW how long I spent looking for you? How much money I’ve  spent searching? Where the hell have you been?” and he was inches from me towering over me yelling at me in my face, and he kept on in that vein but I tuned out the detail because I was focusing on gathering the four elements and a lot of heart chakra energy together, and just shooting it through me and into his chest like a weapon-of-cleansing-and-love sort of.

He kept on as I really focused on trying to make this work, trying to clean this up and give it love, and a couple of times it seemed like he faltered and the whole of reality almost-blinked, and then finally I could see reality changing, and I just kept forcing it, refusing to stop, and it seemed like everything was both melting and in motion-blur around us, and then finally I let go, kind of exhausted from the effort. I had not felt like I had much ‘power’ not like I used to have when doing energy work… my heart chakra is so weak compared to what I used to have available to me. But it was something.

He was the same guy but looked completely different and was wearing a suit. The office was totally different. He was handing me something. “This is for you,” he says. I take it, confused, and say, “What is this?” It was an envelope. “It’s your bonus!” he says, as he casually walks around the desk.

“You’re giving me money?!” I say, a little thrown off by just how radically this reality changed in the last 5 seconds. “Sure! Bosses do that sometimes right? And you work sometimes, right?” he was grinning.

“Yeah… sometimes, right! Thanks.” He nodded, as if dismissing me, and I went out the door.

The stairs and environ were clean and different, and I walked onto the cement floor and everything was different, still tons of machines, but a bigger space and they were all organized now and everything was clean. The guy who’d yelled at me earlier nodded at me silently. He was a bit smaller and vastly cleaner. I went to the wall where I came in and then imagined I gathered all of it up and absorbed it.

Nothing, no merge, no feeling of anything. I was back with Mark.

“Did that do anything at ALL?” I said, a little cranky. “I got no merge, nada from that.”

“It went fine,” he said.

“Why don’t I feel anything from it then?” I asked.

He looked like he was actually going to say something but then he just said, “It’s a long story.”

I shrugged. “OK.” Then I stopped to write this down. Back to 10 of wands.

*

He nodded at me, I closed my eyes, and I saw this thing like a board break. Then another thing broke. “The breaking,” I said. “The dynamic, not the forms.” The world around me erupted into a thousand kinds of things-breaking. I leaped into the sky, froze everything below and said “but how can I interact with ‘an event’?”

“Think about it,” he says. I do. Then I send out energy in all directions while I’m in the midst of it, intention-ing that it’s reaching the ‘dynamic’ energy not the forms.

Thoth Tarot Ten of Wands (Oppression)

Thoth Tarot Ten of Wands (Oppression)

“Why breaking?” I say out loud to the arch. “The card is oppression.”

“The end-result,” I heard. “Something or someone always breaks, eventually.” I had in my head ‘examples’. It could be someone’s will. It could be the reverse — a people’s patience — causing a backlash. It could be the ability of a ‘system’ (e.g. totalitarianism) to uphold without collapsing in on itself.

Everywhere I looked I got these “conceptual understandings” that almost seemed to come with a sense of space and time as well, of how oppression “if unobstructed” would as a natural end-result, break something. Sometimes the thing that broke destroyed the oppression, sometimes it made it stronger.

I fell asleep for a few hours. Woke up and wrote the above down. In sleep, I had dreamed. Since I remembered it, I felt I should consider that a related gift and something to work on.

(Edited to add: when I began writing it down I didn’t see how it related to oppression but as I remembered more of it, it was obvious. I sometimes wonder if my mind is merely making it up after the fact, just a few paragraphs ahead of whatever I am writing, when this happens. Since it all comes from my mind anyway I’m not sure it matters, I guess.)

*

There was a multi-level prison. Sometimes people were there just for an evening and sometimes voluntarily like to work off some penance. It wasn’t a horrible place just an obnoxious one you couldn’t leave, and it overlapped with a place where also people would stay temporarily like when working/visiting if they had no money.

At the far extreme it was more like our prisons, but on the whole it was mostly a “temporarily unable to leave” thing that had many different levels of impact.

There was an internet service that allowed you to get something free, I forget what. Something that was helpful and good without question (never bad, anyway) but more a utilitarian thing than a sheer pleasure thing. Merely being connected and requesting it would cause it to be possible for you. I don’t think it is translate-able to our reality is the problem but let’s say it was ‘guaranteed good advice’ or something, just to have something in a symbol. It was something akin to that. Maybe you could ask any question and get genuine insight to help you solve it no matter what the question was about. Like you could ask how to best deal with or get out of prison!

Now people had net access when they were in this prison, at least sometimes they could if they wanted like in a library or something, and most the people. There were exceptions. So people were using this access for that “connection” that would do them good. There was a big uproar at one point from a lot of other people who wanted to be in charge, and onlookers, about who should be allowed this ‘connection’.

I was a profound believer that this was a good thing that should be enabled for everybody to whatever degree was possible. There were all these people who disagreed. They were over-intellectual sorts, every one, and I finally ended up in a debate with one who was an actual attorney. “Show me your debate and save us time,” I said to him with frustration.

He instantly dismissed the entire thing with something like, “{obscure numbered clause X} would not allow us to require that everyone had net access, and would not allow us to require that nobody had it, and {this other obscure numbered clause Y} requires prisoners be treated equally so if they requested this and the outcome wasn’t identical it could be said we weren’t treating them equally, and –”

And I interrupted, so angry at all the obtuse, pedantic, BS, totally beside the point assumptions that didn’t have anything at all truly to do with the real question which was only: if prisoners DO have net access, should they be allowed personal choice in their visits, and should this be allowed and if not, why not, compared to everything else that is? That was the only question I felt, and everyone trying to drag all this extra crap into it, like whether we would be obliged to give every prisoner access or whatever was intentionally muddying it — and as a side effect, was making it unavailable for everyone.

Then the argument was that it could be classified as spiritual, and since not everyone was religious or the same religion it wouldn’t be ‘appropriate’ to have access to something that only ‘some’ people wanted, and I had the same response to that.

Off the top, I interpreted it wrongly, or at least differently. I felt the first problem was that so many people were morons unable to think clearly and their fuzzy thinking was blending all kinds of crap together that did not belong together, they were incapable of separating out the many situations, the many issues, from each other.

I felt the second problem was that this experience the site gave, it was totally unique to the individual. Whether it helped them directly would depend on many factors and most were them. So it ‘could’ and often did. But also sometimes it didn’t. And sometimes it was very interpretive at best and you could debate whether there was really a net positive outcome.

After awhile I saw that when you stripped away everything else and got down to it, the ‘pedantic’ people were actually “trying to enforce uniformity” on a personal experience, which
(a) isn’t uniform since people aren’t either, and
(b) is a personal experience anyway — not a prison experience. In other words, one that nobody should be acting like the prison was somehow owning or licensing merely by giving people free-will access to a website.

After awhile it occurred to me that the real problem was actually deeper than these things, those were surface-things.

The ‘good thing’ created emotions in people which totally messed up rational thinking. It was this that caused the blurring of issues, and caused some people to act a like like pseudo-skeptics and launch attacks against it, and others to just feel the whole thing was emotional and needed ‘activism’ and so on. I began to see how even this opportunity created hope and in creating that emotion, also created a whole myriad of types of fear, mainly in people who feared not having hope. The people reacting against it were acting out various kinds of fear, directly or indirectly.

I hadn’t before really thought about how anything good, for example something that creates a degree of hope, would just by its existence trigger tons of people to react against it, because they have existing fear issues related to that positive emotion.

I have noticed before, though, that nearly everything we consider bad, if you track it back far enough, is fear.

And there was the power structure of the prison itself. Many of the key elements in prohibiting this for various allegedly good reasons were all related to the prison. And I could see that it was almost an archetype itself, both the place and the people running it in various ways, and they all had
(a) serious control issues, which their involvement at all should make obvious as a reality symbol, and so the totally unique unpredictable nature of it triggered them bigtime, and
(b) they wanted to be the only real source of ‘power’.

Finally I had it: that turned out to be the crux into the doorway of all of it, I felt inside me after awhile. Power is distributed throughout the universe of experience in infinite ways. There were people who wanted to be in control or “have power” and they did this mostly by ensuring that they were the only source with “power” over others. In this case, it manifested as wanting to make access to this good-thing unavailable to prisoners, for a long list reasons none of which were the real one.

They had a weakness themselves, and that weakness caused their control issue. They wanted to control because they feared being controlled, as a result of sensing their weakness. That control issue made them jealously afraid of all other sources of something they perceived as ‘power’. Since they could not own it, nor could they even predict it, it simply made their weakness perceive it as a huge threat just by existing.

(I had an overlay-realization that this is behind some of my more negative daydreams: I was the one in power/control. The only one. I had to remove other sources of power, and provide one seeming-threat to it, which I could then conquer.)

They would try to prevent people having access to it so they could be “the only authority.” If they couldn’t own it and be the source and control it, they would exclude it from existing for everyone else as much as they could.

I could see that this would be the case even for a small thing, and that after stamping this out, their innate paranoia would make them perceive something else as a threat, and this would keep perpetuating itself. The problem was never a ‘thing’ so they could never truly ‘solve’ the problem. The problem was their fear which would create endless instances of perceived problem.

After awhile it seemed reasonable to say, “They are doing this because they so fear their own weakness.” It seemed like this was the dynamic of it: that fear borne of a sense of personal weakness, was behind even the most abstract or the most egregious oppression, from personal daydreams up: even when it came from non-individuals like religion, government, institution, education, it was still the cause, as all those things have people making up their guidance and management.

I saw how this is a spectrum issue, so even people in the normal population will manifest degrees of it, it’s not limited to the people running things.

*

Then more fully awake, thinking about it all:

I wondered if I had some of this fear and might be evidencing it. I saw that actually my rejection of a ton of my inner work over the last two decades in particular, was essentially a form of oppression — over self in this case — born of fear. I saw that sometimes this was a sort of formula instilled in place and still acting out in me, like from someone else, like some say is the case for anima/animus, where we ‘hear the negative voice in us’ long after we’ve outgrown the people who helped instill that in us.

I saw that I had let a lot of this (not all of it) go over the last six months, and I also saw that this was related to work I’d done on a dream called ‘Mercenary.’ I was told long ago the dream had profound life-impacting energy involved, as serious as the issues with Jared & El Nino had been. Dealing with Jared had resulted in losing the lifetime of ‘artificial guilt’, that was a huge difference in my life. So two or three times I’ve worked on that dream, and had just recently considered that I’ve never seen any result of that effort, nothing in my reality seemed to have changed or improved.

I saw now that this is what changed: I had released a ton of stuff that let me ‘allow’ more and really improved my ability to do this kind of work, and some other smaller things, some I was still oblivious to but were better. I saw that some of my amazed and improved interaction with Inner Guide related.

*

Then I had this insight that changed everything, although I’m not sure how. I said to the arch at large:

I get it now. I’m sorry for initially thinking you were bad and something needed to change. I see now that you are an equal part of the universe of energy, with as much right to exist as anything, and that you play your role just like any other note and chord in a song can, and that you simply are what you are. You are not creating this math, this formula, this geometry, you merely are what it IS. Because it just IS. Period. So when we look at what IS we say, “that is a-thing,” we recognize a certain pattern of ISness. And we made a card for it.

Thinking it’s bad to exist is like saying a musical “minor third” chord is inherently bad. It merely IS a certain combination of energy that exists on the scale and there is no good or bad to it, except when we see how that particular energy is applied. People reacting “with oppression” is like people picking flowers or shouting, it is merely something people do, it is an end-result of the frequency or geometry formula they “are experiencing” at a given moment, experience is why we’re all here, and there is nothing inherently good or bad about it; it is merely what is.

I asked for something it could put on or in my body to help me better integrate more of its energy and it gave me this big thick clamp like an ankle clamp but so big it was even too big for my neck. “I’m really not good with this,” I said with a smile, and shrunk it down to pendant size. It began to push it into my chest and I stopped that and said, “How about over here,” and instead put it in the bicep of my right arm.

Then I had another insight and I said to it:

I see now. I thought that one had to merge with tarot and in doing so you would be making that energy part of you. I didn’t understand why I would want to make negative stuff a part of me. I’ve always had a kind of question about that. But what I’m really doing is becoming ‘aware’ of the energy and ‘at peace with it’ so I truly know it, and this is creating an understanding between us that gives me ‘choice’ in whether I choose to have it in my life or not. 

Whatever I want of an energy, my ability to ‘fluently’ have the relationship of choice depends on my innate relationship with that energy. “Not presently manifesting in my life” is ALSO a relationship, I hadn’t got that. We are the universe and everything is part of us, so we always have a relationship with everything. If you and I choose to “dance apart from each other” we are still dancing.

Although I recognize there is still some present in me. But the point was a much larger point. And I hope I will recognize this now when I run into it.

P

Thoth Tarot Meditations: Wands
Thoth Tarot Ace of Wands
1
Thoth Tarot Two of Wands (Dominion)
1
Thoth Tarot Three of Wands (Virtue)
1
Thoth Tarot Four of Wands (Completion)
1
Thoth Tarot Five of Wands (Strife)
1
Thoth Tarot Six of Wands (Victory)
1
Thoth Tarot Seven of Wands (Valour)
1
Thoth Tarot Eight of Wands (Swiftness)
1
Thoth Tarot Nine of Wands (Strength)
1
Thoth Tarot Ten of Wands (Oppression)
1
Thoth Tarot Princess of Wands
1
Thoth Tarot Prince of Wands
1, 2
Thoth Tarot Queen of Wands
1
Thoth Tarot Knight of Wands
1 2 3 4 5 6