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I went to see IG last night. It was her turn to choose. I don’t know what happened. I was there… I was wide awake I thought… and I woke up this morning.

I hadn’t been breathing well given the swelling in my right hand. I was having some dream that in my little girl’s dojo, some woman had freaked out and between my kid and a young man who was a blackbelt, she had been killed, somewhat accidentally. It was a big heavy darkness on the sensei and on the two people involved. Someone brought in her body. There were two 2″ thick long bags, bizarrely. It looks like two real thin rifle cases or something. Anyway…

I went back to IG first thing. Apologized for apparently passing out in the middle of a sentence or something. Told her I was ready for whatever she wanted me to meditate on.

I turned to the archetype, but I could see him oddly well for an arch with an issue; not very well, but he felt different. Just a man, ordinary. I couldn’t see anything on him that needed cleaning, healing, adjustment, etc. I eyed him suspiciously.

Me: Are you an archetype?

Him: No. I’m another from your Consortium, as you call it.

I said nothing for awhile.

Me: I think this is AOL. Like some expectation, based on my last meditation being a guide.

Him: Your last meditation wasn’t a guide. You’ve done archetype work since then.

Me: Oh yeah. Well but so what! That isn’t the point. I think you’re not… real. That I’m just imagining the whole thing. And why do you keep smiling?

Him: That’s my nature.

Me: Well maybe I don’t like your nature.

Him: You’re a little hostile, but it’s ok.

I stood silently for awhile more.

Me: What do you allegedly work on with me?

Him: Energy patterns.

I eyed him warily.

Me: Oooh Aaah. ALL guides work with energy patterns. That’s a stock answer.

Him: Patterns within and related to your body.

I imagined colored shapes moving around inside me.

Me: Then make me feel something. Tangibly. Physically.

He grinned at me. His grinning at me just pissed me off for some reason.

Him: That’s the skeptic route. You know it doesn’t matter. If I give you that, you’ll just think it wasn’t enough, or you imagined it, or it still doesn’t count unless I repeat it over and over, and so on. Anybody in that frame of mind is not going to be convinced by anything. You of all people know this, right?

Me: You’re just avoiding the issue.

I felt as if something were pressing against my left cheek, and pulling it slightly.

Me: Is that you on my face?

Him: You’re already telling yourself you’re imagining it.

Me: Of course I am! (I snarled)

I felt like crossing my arms and sulking.

Me: Nero! -(He appeared a bit to my left.)- Is this guy really one of you?

Nero: Yes.

Me: Am I deluding myself?

He grinned.

Nero: Yes, somewhat.

Me: What? If he’s really a guide, how am I deluding myself?

Nero: You’re not really letting him through. The work he does is not just about moving the colored shapes in your body that you modeled it as internally.

Me: Well what’s he really do?

Nero: He deals with your perception of self in relation to the world. How your energy interacts with the larger world and how you perceive yourself as related to that world.

Me: I thought he worked with my body. I had the feeling like, what it looked like, sort of.

Nero: That amounts to the same thing.

Me: It does not! Those are two completely different things! –And why is he so fucking cheerful?!

Nero: You really ARE cranky and hostile, you know.

I stomped away from him and glared at the other guy.

Me: So what is your alleged name?

I heard what sounded like a dozen names at once somehow. All of them had a sound like flat-A “AN” or “AM” in it. All the men’s names I know that include that — Dan, Adam, etc. — flashed ‘around’ me somehow.

Me: Aw hell. Nero, IG, I have that problem again. I can feel the energy, I can hear a syllable, but I can’t find the right shape of the sound.

I worked on it. Really tried to be open to it. Finally I said:

Me: “Taan” is the best I can do for now. I have the feeling there is somehow a ‘doubling’ of that energy-sound, like “twice as much energy in that shape as that word has”, but when I try two syllables that feels even more wrong.

Taan: ‘Taan’ will do. I’m fine with that.

{note: edited this post later to change spelling which felt wrong.}

Still feeling like I’d rather send him away or punch him for some reason, rather than work with him, I forced myself to imagine taking his hands, and then slid my arms around him in a hug.

He started laughing. I knew why. I could feel that when I hugged him, the ‘separation’ between us became like a molecular layer of metal. He was definitely not getting through if I had my way.

“IG, help,” I said with a sigh, and felt the layer of division dissolve. I hugged him again and felt that we were more integrated then, and I pulled him fully into me, but I didn’t really feel a merge.

I walked back to her.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep last night,” I said, wondering. I don’t even remember what was going on when I did. Nada zip zero. I have to wonder if I was actually in the middle of something I had such an issue with that some part of me isn’t remembering on purpose. “Thanks for helping me,” I finally said, not knowing what else to say.

She said nothing, but nodded her head slightly.

I felt depressed. A little angry but mostly depressed. No idea why. I moved back to my plateau through the normal route but at near light speed, rolled it up inside me.

My computer almost didn’t start for some reason.

My webserver at ATE the last 24 hours of my activity on that website as of yesterday around 7pm, and despite all my emails pleading, has failed to restore it and it’s now over 12 hours later, which might mean it’s lost forever. They haven’t responded to the emails either which is weird as they normally are very prompt with service.

Somehow, both things, my computer’s slow boot that stopped until I popped the DVD drive out and in again, and my home webserver having failed to restore itself or respond, just seemed like it was completely appropriate in the energy I was sitting in.

I still feel depressed. As if some energy inside me is just not… right. I know it must be related to why I was so hostile because Taan seemed so cheerful. But I don’t feel like dealing with it right now. I kind of feel like throwing darts at someone. So I’m just going to go back to sleep I think. If I can.