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At some point in winter, a number of bulbs in my landscaping sprout underground. It is some time before they break through the soil, and you see that something has been growing for some time. I feel like that. Like rather slowly, but moving along, I am sprouting… underground. But I am coming upon a future, before long, where I will break ground, and begin growing with real momentum. I hope so.


Recently I had two instances of an insight or experience that explained some mystery of experience I had over 20 years ago. I find that amazing. Especially that two of them occurred within a week of each other.

I feel like describing this will seem overdone to anybody else, but for me, at the time of each, it was this big “epiphany and realization,” so my feeling they are an answer to the past experience is as much from the experience as anything, it’s not just an intellectual realization or decision.


Very late answer, #1:

On Halloween 1995 I was introduced to a guy who’d done viewing with the gov’t project. We had emails and phone calls daily for six months. I went to stay with him and ‘train’ for five days in April (cross country). I only did one session on my own (alone) in my little motel while there. When I was at home later, and I was to be working alone, I got my first target, finally got time for it, and I was so excited.

So to set this up so you understand how hilariously confusing it was, I have to mention that I was using a psi format that required, after an initial effort to intuit “gestalt” (like manmade, water, etc.), you have generally single-word data points you write in a column, and then — and I set this up in advance, planning carefully, so it would be ready and easy — another piece of paper had columns drawn on it with headings, and I would be writing words or short phrases usually, in the columns, after. That was the plan.

This was my first session truly on my own at home, and after all the time, and money, and training, I was really excited about how good I was determined to be at this.

So I begin the session. I say out loud the random number for my task, and —

— I am the wall of a room in an executive office. Or at it, but it feels more like I am it, because I’m that wide and don’t sense it behind me, but that’s passive data, I’m not paying attention to that really. I know everything about the room and its contents. Like 2nd-person perspective. It’s a really big office — the sort of penthouse office that the super rich man who was sitting at a desk to the right would have. What “mattered” at this moment though was that across the room there was a painting, and behind that was a safe, and in that safe was a black semi-soft case like an attache case that was about six inches thick and the size of a briefcase. Inside the case is a boatload of cash, I mean the big-bills in-bundles kind. “Boatload” is a pun, because it was actually gotten from a boat, a yacht to be more specific.

The double-doors have opened at the left side of the office, which is rather far away because this room is very large and most the space is between the desk and the door. Two people are coming in, a man and a woman, and the door closes behind them and they begin to walk across the office toward his desk. He hires them sometimes, they work as a team, and I am sort of impressed and awed by their job, which is basically something like you’d see in a movie, they’re adventurers kind of, like some cross between investigators and bounty hunters and whatever else. They are both trained in fighting and weapons and stuff like that, but their focus is on whatever they are hired for, that is only for when needed. It had been needed just a little bit in this case.

I wasn’t clear on what it was they had been doing or acquiring for him, because I was distracted just before I got to that, as I was having a vision-in-vision of both of them running, fighting, at docks with this yacht, and someone shot at them I think it was, and it hit the guy in the lower leg and injured him. Despite the injury they had still managed to get away, and had been successful in whatever they’d done for the man. The male of the team had gotten medical treatment and it had been a couple days I think, and they were coming to get their money and report on the experience.

The man and the team actually like each other fairly well. They don’t totally trust each other. Somewhat. Not entirely. But their ‘good terms’ relationship is fairly honest on both sides.

The man sitting behind the executive desk didn’t want to tell them that he had the case with the money. They had actually gotten it for him, but due to the scuffle and injury and confusion and so on, they didn’t know whether or not his people had ended up with it (I had a sense then that at the very end part, some of his other armed-people had been part of the drama at the dock), or maybe it had fallen into the harbor, or maybe the “other” guys had gotten it back. They weren’t sure. He didn’t want to tell them. Because he wanted to keep it all for himself, and if they knew he had it, they got a sizeable cut from it. It’s not that he needed the funds at all. And he wasn’t a bad man. He was just a deep-pockets stingy sort of person when it came to money.

As they were walking toward his desk they were looking at him and looking for subtle clues to whether he’d recovered the cash case, and he was looking at them for clues to see whether or not they knew. He intended that if they indicated they knew he had it, he would pretend he had already planned to give them their share, and he’d do so. But he wasn’t going to volunteer. But he also didn’t want them to think that he was trying to cheat them, because he didn’t want to do that to their relationship either. The two of them arrived just in front of his desk, and before any of them could say a word —

— I’m looking at my paper.


Which word should I put on my paper for that?!

I had no idea what to do. That isn’t how it’s supposed to work! That can’t be it.

I opened the envelope, an opaque kraft-type 8″x10″ sort. I looked at the feedback. It was a photo of an office-building skyscraper — some very tall big-city thing I should probably recognize but didn’t. It was a weird angle — the cameraman was clearly standing on the ground right outside the building, and sort of ‘twisted around upward’ and pointed the camera at the top part of the building. (For example if the upper windows had been clear instead of the whole building being a mirror-effect, you would have seen the people at the windows of the upper floors.) So all you saw, at this weird angle, was the very top portion of the skyscraper and the sky above it.

Target: missed. Session: ruined. Shit.

So that was my first solo remote viewing session. Total confusing fail. That was in 1996.


I’ve had a few dreams and insights that I had a really difficult time dealing with over the last few years. In June 2013 I had one that really fried my brain, even during the experience I was having serious problems with it, and even later blogging it I was still having problems. I can get the intellectual side in place sometimes, but truly allowing the reality-and-implications I have not been able to do. The blog post is ridiculously long so I’m excerpting the relevant pieces here.

…Except in another reality, the popular kids were skyscrapers. Literally. All the myriad of minerals and enzymes and fats and more, more than our brains can even imagine that goes into creating a human body, that energy that was a biological body here was the energy of a constructed building there.

…And all the ‘interaction’ they did with people here, was interaction with people there — although as a building they seemed passive, they were just as much part of the interaction between they and all the people experiencing them, as they were in the ‘dynamic’ state here.

…And a great deal of this had to do with time. Let us say someone frowns at you. We consider that an interaction, dynamic. But perhaps a building is imposing. Or perhaps the stairs are too steep. These are just as dynamic. It is merely that the state of their manifestation lasts so much longer to our perception, meaning, comparative to us, that we do not see it as dynamic. But it has still creatively chosen to be what it is, which is the primary thing; and we still experience it, and that is an interaction that involves both of us.

That has nothing to do with whether something is consciousness, or creative, or interacting. It only has to do with how we perceive time, and how we devalue everything else that does not share the same perspective as us — including that time perspective.

…All the energies “having the experience of going to school together” in one reality were ‘having the experience of being a city of structures together” in another reality.

…And I tried to hide from this understanding. I fought it like crazy.

Because inanimate is not human. It can’t be. Humans are special and inanimates are not. Humans are ‘natural’ and inanimates are not. Inanimates are ‘on purpose’ and humans just ‘grow naturally’ and not by design. These are basic belief systems I was forced to see that I had.

And I kept fighting it.

Because a created-building that takes innumerable different materials and energy to put together “on purpose” can’t be like a body that takes innumerable different materials and energy to put together — on purpose? By far more identities than we may imagine?

Because in MY reality some tiny little part of my culturally-indoctrinated brain wants, needs, to believe that I am the thing that is alive, and everything else biological is alive but less importantly than “my” type of symbol (humans), and everything that is botanically alive is really just irrelevantly put here for our convenience.

Because everything else manifest doesn’t count because it’s not alive enough to be dead, it just IS with all the non-importance of a discarded gum wrapper.

…We consider it passive only based on “comparison” to our own body’s energy, our time-frame. We think our symbol is more important than any other symbol; what WE perceive as ‘like us’ matters, is real. If it lives for millions of years and seems unchanging to us, we think we’re alive and it’s not.

…There were so many belief systems stomped on through this dream, so many built-in arrogances and biases and assumptions made clear during the dream, that I felt like I’d had years of traumatic but potentially cathartic therapy by the time I woke up. Except I didn’t feel like I was done cleaning it out. […] Merely that an earthquake had caused me to suddenly become aware of those structures at all, mostly by the sounds they made when they were cracking and being torn off their foundations.

Imagine this:

A computer screen. No matter what the picture, every dot on the screen is equal, there is something AT every dot on the screen. It so happens some are colors that look like empty space or sky and others look like flesh or flower or objects, at least in that arrangement those dots happen to “be” part of those things. But that’s completely arbitrary. No dot is “more” real than any other dot.

And although that dot of blue is totally ocean water in this screen, in another, that same dot of blue is the paint on a house and in another, the place where that dot is, is the wood of a tree, so it’s a different color. But that dot-space, as we’ll call it, exists in every picture. And it manifests equally to every other dot.

Because it is awareness. It can be ANY color. It be ANY-thing. What it chooses to be is totally up to IT. It can be part of air or water or a flower or a gemstone or a dog or a skyscraper or a teenager. And this dot space exists in every picture that displays on its larger screen. And the innate nature of its energy will be present in its manifestation in every picture in some fashion.

There is no such thing as empty space.  There is no dot of space in our reality that is not totally filled with energy, which is equal to the energy in every other dot in our reality. Imagine our computer screen analogy now is a full 3D as we would experience it, rather than small and flat, and it is the size of “reality.” That’s it.


So the bad news is, I didn’t blog the dream and I didn’t put it in my text file like I thought I had and I forgot it, and I’m so mad about it. Because my inner self bugged me to write it down and I procrastinated and now it’s gone. Grrrr. But thank goodness I remember the epiphany-insight of the dream, only because I told Law about it on the phone and I remember that one part of it.

The reason I say it relates to my first session experience is because at the end of the dream, which was “another version of the lesson in the dream above” basically, I was actually SHOWN that because every “thing” had “awareness” that I as a human was capable of — you could say plugging into it, as I just realized this moment that Marciniak actually described it in channeling eons ago when she said humans were originally genetically designed as librarians on this planet with psychic-access to everything, huh, that’s interesting to me now after all this — where was I — oh right, that I as a human was capable of “SHARING THE PERSPECTIVE” of anything. Literally anything, including THINGS.

I was shown how I had this idea like you’d have to do some huge complicated thing to get to the point even of sharing rapport with a person but really, humans are a bit harder just due to their complexity and obliviousness (complexity means their body-mind is focused on a bazillion things at once below conscious level including biology), but that you could… the example I “did” as I was shown while-doing-it, I actually “slid into” one side of a building, and “was” it I think… bare memory from dream, I hope. I am not sure if the first part of this paragraph hit me before I wrote it or is from the other night, sorry (sigh, that’s why I need to blog at the time, though if it’s all coming from my subconscious, I could argue whether it matters).

So I can share the perspective of anything including things. Like the metal recycling bin I sorta merged with in my Bewilderness case study perhaps. Like the sewing machine my hands-on prayer-rapport seemed to fix one time. Like the door that I yelled at to stay shut in my rage once when I had an infant, without even touching the knob and bizarrely it wouldn’t open until my ex crawled out the window to the patio 3 days later and took the whole doorknob off to fix it, there was nothing wrong with it, it was just shut until massive intervention. Like the car  of the young man I’m sure I started from a distance one morning sleepily, in my Bewilderness notes. Is this a sort of gradient-color-blend-into PK? There are dozens more experiences like that in my life that I just don’t remember now or well enough to recount, only that I’ve had them. I considered this “rapport.”

Where does rapport or sharing perspective become just-me or all-them? Rapport and perspective are different things to me — or is rapport a “spectrum” and “perspective” is just the far, maximum version of it, when you become “the other?”

But I was being shown that this is what that dream of the teens and the buildings meant: telling me that energy is present in (a selected bundle of) “all” realities so to speak, but may manifest totally differently in each, and in some will seem to be passive, or a million years mineral, and in another could be a super short-lived thing like a human or a butterfly. But knowing this, I can access this as a rapport in viewing.

In other words, say you have the impression you’re describing a person in a room, in a session. I don’t know IF or why this would work better or differently, but if this they’re showing/telling/living-with me is correct, one should be able to focus on gaining perspective-rapport-with the wall, and literally BE in the room, and be aware of everything the wall’s degree of manifested-physical-mass-dense-awareness is capable of being aware of + your own addition.

When we view we are in a spotty blend of first- and third-person perspective. Mostly we are first and then if it goes well and target contact is solid, by end of the session, we are in third person except only “tiny spots of it” — we’re not omniscient, but we often “know” things that include past, future, physical, conceptual, and the intent sometimes of more than one person. It’s just that we have a limited bandwidth it seems — viewing formats are designed to gradually move you through increasing the ‘bandwidth’ of information we can perceive. So maybe 3rd person only seeming to come through in tiny globs is that, who knows.

I was sort of having a hard time understanding or accepting stuff in the dream, and then I was shown, taken back to, my session from twenty-two years ago!! and shown that spontaneously, this is what I did: I gained ‘perspective-rapport’ with the large wall-sized window (or window-that-was-a-wall) of an executive office at the top of the skyscraper, and was “of” that part of the room then. I shared the awareness present, which knew vastly more than we would ever dream an inanimate object could know (no such thing as inanimate, merely “choosing to exist in a form that due to biology we believe to be inert”). (Not until when I woke up did I marvel that this would suggest that little mini-experience was real and those people are real.)

I was shown it was 2nd person perspective which I think is how I should know in the experience in the future that I have succeeded because if I were perceiving it from my own perspective it would either be first person (vast majority of time) or third person (in small brief doses), whereas this was 2nd person but it was incredibly linear and complete.

I have had many sessions with data that was anywhere from a moment to about 20 seconds of utterly literal “oh my god this is so amazing” first-person experience, some are on target, many are actually no-feedback or off target because the perspective, between the marvel of it and my focus, actually turns me – like if you perceive ‘as/from’ the target you are not looking ‘at’ the target if you see what I mean. And I’ve had tons of stuff in between. It’s my belief that the concept we were taught in format training about bilocation was done as if it’s one thing at the far extreme but actually, it’s a total spectrum from our own body to full bilo, and we can have many gradients of perspective-and-presence-“there.”

I am still having cognitive dissonance about this. It’s not because it’s an inanimate object in question though maybe a little. It’s because to me, WE MADE THAT. I feel like anything created by humans is not… is not… well it’s not equal! How could it be just as valid or valuable or spiritual as me? If we created it, isn’t it automatically inferior to us? I think that’s the belief system. I’ve been trying to nail down what it is that I’ve subconsciously, culturally absorbed, that is causing me such trouble with this concept.

I’m exhausted and must sleep. I’ll blog the second 20-years-ago thing tomorrow.

Edited to add this (next morning now): I always know when a concept is not accepted by me yet, because I can use a lot of words and still feel like I haven’t articulated what I need to somehow.

I think the underlying point of all this is some kind of “fundamental” belief system concept trying to get through to me, and I suspect this is a mis-translation via some inane-degree of over-simplification, but it seems to be about everything being equal — except everything really means everything, and not only objects but also “that block of air.” Every block of air. Every single manifest mote that comprises our reality. So… “negative space” as an artist would call it, is just as manifest as anything or everything else.

But the reason any of this “matters” is because if every mote of reality is manifest, and every mote is based on awareness — what energy it chooses to evoke or invoke for itself in our focus-reality-instance frequency bandwidth and beat-pattern — whether iron or oxygen, whether it’s part of a bridge or a human — is just the details.  So awareness is fundamentally the underlying fabric of every mote of reality.

Sigh. I still am not really getting it! I mean I’m getting the “form” of it. But I think my resistance to allowing manmade objects to matter is restricting me. It has something really important to do with the human ability to “share perspective” with any atomic point in the universe.