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I was meandering through the house initially, lost in thought.

I was thinking about a post on chocolate (my super-tiny private forum) where I’d basically–to paraphrase and sum up–said that my problem eating decently is the biggest real problem I have. Being supersized and not young anymore it’s a serious health issue, and it affects my psychology as much or more than my body.

When I really ponder the overall issue, I see that while there are a few things specific to my size, most things boil down more to the effects that eating poorly or just not eating well “enough” (particularly enough protein for my large body size) have on me.

Part of me observed that I’ve been eating gluten and not even bothering with gluten-ease. I can barely breathe from the asthma response.

Another part agreed with the ‘tone’ of that, and pointed out that I haven’t been taking any supplements, with or without food issues. And that even if I wanted to eat poorly that’s no reason not to take supplements given malnutrition is likely at the heart of a lot of my metabolic problems.

The first part said that was a lot like how I could work out even a little, no matter how I was eating, if I wanted to bother.

I interrupted all this with, “So, really, the problem is fundamental self-destructive behavior.”

Sudden silence.

The beliefs you think are hidden are never really hidden, a different aspect said clearly in a wiser-one way.

“Oh,” I muttered out loud. “So I suppose you think I should meditate on the energy behind my self-destructive behavior.”

I felt my body react. A little like it did with the Knight of Wands which might have been somewhat related energy. I could feel that even the very idea of it brought up enormous resistance.

So I promised myself I would at least blog it. Because that way I will stumble on it a few times in re-reading and it can’t just get lost and forgotten.

I recalled Seth saying that when people die of a disease, it’s generally a slow form of suicide.

I recalled–I think it was Nero or someone–pointing out that yes my body was really adaptive but eventually enough problem intake and it might not be so reversible.

Sigh.

P