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Long ago when I wrote Bewilderness, I said in the narrative something like,

I psychoanalyzed myself only until I realized I was obviously a lunatic, at which point I concluded I was just giving myself a complex and might as well stop.

I’ve been kind of in denial of viewing the last couple days even though I want to, and I keep thinking about it, and I miss it so much for not having done nearly enough of it lately. I’m carefully avoiding info on TKR’s latest mission so I can squeeze in viewing the target before I expose myself to talk about it…I missed the deadline by a mile thanks to being simultaneously in interest-but-avoidance.

I need therapy.

Meanwhile, I’ve been thinking about the whole archetype vs. session thing. You know, I’m not 100% sure I can honestly say that getting accurate surface data is more important to me than an experience I feel touches my soul and amazes and inspires me. Calabrese called this “process vs. product” and I think that is a decent way of putting it.

I find that the more I view, the more the process starts to mean more to me. The more that a decent data-session with a poor “experiential factor” is a disappointment, while a lousy data-session with a great “experiential factor” feels like a consolation, and usually like it was well worth the effort regardless of the product result.

I feel that this is contrary to RV as a focus. I feel that in fact, I have watched this exact tendency take down quite a number of potential viewers over the years, who got far too involved with the “woo-woo fascinative” aspect of viewing and far too little involved with the “staying in protocol and staying practical” aspect.

But it calls me. Do you know that I have been “deeply dreaming” about Mars in various ways for the last decade? Why? I have no idea. I dream of standing on its surface, in cities that feel so old it is a tangible quality, and inside me I feel this terrible longing, as if it’s something I miss. I have semi-ordinary dreams, often involving one of my best friends, where for one reason or another we have to travel there. I had a series of “programmed dreams” that involved it and apparently the future. For that matter, I even think about it a lot. Too often. It bothers me. Like I need to understand something, I want to, it feels important.

I sound like Courtney Brown. That makes me feel vaguely suicidal.

Am I watching the gradual devolution of my own “psychological balance”? I don’t feel unbalanced; I just feel unnaturally drawn to “experiential” RV and sometimes, specifically, to Mars, although I admit that since Ganymede and an old bizarre session related to Titan, all planets hold interest for me. I feel as if internally I am having a real dilemma.

It seems like the more intuitive I get, the more my session experiences are interesting, yet in the process of being interesting, often fail to be particularly productive, which IMO makes the data-collection process into, well, a different process altogether. RV isn’t about spiritual evolution it’s about data collection. That is RV’s glory, that is why it isn’t buried in all the religious and occult and mystic BS that traditionally psi work has been. The whole “psychic functioning” that is the core of RV is by far the most interesting part for sure, but that isn’t RV, it’s just one of the core components. The field of RV is filled with people ranging from miseducated to outright lunatics, and a great deal of where I see this breakdown happening is in the area of RV protocol: when the data collection product becomes less a priority than the psychic experience. So how could I of all people feel like this, when I am so aware of the problem?

I once wondered, after watching Art Bell’s psychology seem to disintegrate before our ears, if remote influence was well-functioning enough in some paragov’t agenda to literally ‘affect’ people likely to have an influence in the field via the media or whatever. I mean, my much-former long-ago guru wrote a book I consider 99.9% fiction, although the reinvention surely made history and self image more fun. The whole field seems rife with a total disconnect from reality, to the point of it being a downright worrisome pathology. I realize everyone has their own subjective perception, but there is being an individual, and then there is just being nuts. Come on.

Yet if I have a pointless data session but talk to Ganymede, I think that’s ok? What part of that is ok? Wasn’t the data session the point of it all? And what’s with the still getting “experiential data” even after I know what the target is? That’s a psychic thing. (Didn’t I spend a lot of money on methods training so I could say I was a viewer and not a psychic ha-ha-ha.) I guess what I’m concerned about is that my session was lousy and I don’t care. Because the experience means more to me.

I want to care. I need to care. CARING about session data is critical to obtaining it — and caring about the protocol which separates mere ‘experience’ from ‘validation’ is pretty critical too.

It’s like my priorities are shifting underneath me. And I see it, and it terrifies me, and yet I still can’t seem to stop it.