Thinking lately about our bodies, our realities, our personalities, the parts of self. This is just rambling. Will be meditating more going forward I expect.
This partly follows on Kyana Daoen (solar plexus chakra) conveying that he, as part of me, has likes and dislikes — not just related to food (he talked me into avoiding some things for at least 10 weeks while he was at it) but related to people in my outer world.
That got the back of my brain thinking about how if I am the composition of the three energies interwoven — the aeons, the chakras, and whatever the earth+sun energy should be called — that this has to be a given. Everything that I am, they are. My brain (and ego) is still struggling with this in all honesty, but I’m getting better.
Then recently, I don’t know what happened in my meditation with the four, but Senior said something and I agreed (following on something I don’t remember) that I would “be all of me” — aware of all the components of me, the aeons and chakras and four, is what I think was in my head at the time — and live for US. As CEO of that consortium of energies. Not just as Palyne in Mundania. To really pay attention to the world of me within.
So off and on my insides are trying to grok this better. Trying to integrate this more wholistically.
Nero and Ray
I once had a meditation with Nero where there was water flowing through a structured channel. Its flow was messed up and 3rd help me fix it. Years later I had another med with Nero where the same water flow situation was in place, and 3rd and his men (his Aeons I expect) helped me fix it again, and hopefully some design that would prevent future issues.
Separately from this, Nero has in multiple experiences come across to me as my lower right back, and a ‘problem’ like a metal knife, as if I’d been stabbed there or something.
Energies internally have their own symbolism. I’m sure it’s meaningful that something comes across as rubber vs. iron of course, but sometimes it comes across as metal rather generically, and I don’t know what that means.
I was thinking about Ray, and how I have understood previously that his energy composes a lot of my spine. In my manifest personality this comes across as “backbone” in the figurative sense as well.
I was thinking about how weakness in my back (e.g. from being sedentary, rather than doing more weight lifting to strengthen the back) would basically be weakness of his expression as part of me, as a result.
And then I realized that Nero’s energy is a substantial portion of my kidneys — at least the right one. Now it’s so incredibly obvious I don’t know how it took me this long to realize it.
As hard a time I had with the realization of the Aeons — a direct identity challenge — and even with the Four — the other side of an identity challenge — still, understanding that my body, energetically and physically, is literally (capital-L!) COMPOSED OF their energies, their identities, brings an entire ‘nuther brain-koan into being that I’m having a hard time with.
We do not think of our body as divine, or as having any meaning whatsoever — we think of it as a biological mass that our consciousness “inhabits” as if it’s a go-kart that we got inside to drive around while here.
We have no idea what the hell is going on with it most the time. We live in a fairly toxic world on several levels which results in all kinds of issues large and small in people’s bodies, most of which we do not understand, and if anything tend to resent.
But we DO identify with our bodies in other ways we don’t realize.
I can spot someone with untreated sleep apnea and resulting heart stress very fast, having suffered that. People who go from normal to rage in an instant, bellowing in a store or at work or something. The stress to the heart causes that. People identify with that, they can’t help it.
Alcohol attacks the liver. Some people react worse than others to this. But the reaction IS a reaction. We are identifying with that when we are angry or mean or sad or laughing or whatever side effect it gives someone (which tends to change as the liver gets more damaged).
Brain neurochemicals can make us depressed. Or make us bipolar. That seems like ‘us’ but it’s just the body, but the body IS ‘us’ and in some ways like that it’s more obvious than others. When my knee aches, I don’t think of that as “me.” I don’t feel like it is inherent to my identity. I think of it like my knee is pissing me off because it keeps hurting me. As if my knee and me are separate. But when I feel euphoric, or sad, I don’t think of it like hey my brain is pissing me off because it feels euphoric or sad. I don’t feel like we are separate.
(I suspect if I were more extreme and less functional I’d end up with a label. I have cycles, my upcycles I may skip sleeping for a night, rarely two, more commonly just super short sleeping for a few, I am driven, creative, and so on. My downcycles I sleep a lot more, and I bury myself in books and music, occasionally movies. At the end of any given month or so of time, I appear to have accomplished a great deal. I just didn’t do it in any blended fashion. Since I am still pretty functional on either cycle, I get to pretend I’m normal. But I see the same cycle in me that I have in others who are not normal and are usually medicated because it’s screwing up their life.)
(I don’t know what makes this better or worse. The McKenna brothers talked about modern shamans being weird but having that ability to basically walk the line between the weird world they were mentally part of and the real world they were physically part of. There are normal people, there are crazy people, and there are shamans who seem to straddle the border of that, and are able to make some of the crazy make sense, or be revealed for its mystical underpinnings. Maybe shamans are just the people who got some but not all of that brain chemical weirdness.)
I have one job, in a way: I am CEO of this entity. I am to make the best decisions possible for it, and share the experience of those decisions… which hopefully leads to better decisions. Part of that, though, is recognizing and allowing and encouraging the … ISness, to use a Seth word, of all the parts of self. In my case I translate that as all my Aeons, but that’s just a model, and other models could work just as well. But since that’s mine, I’ll go with that:
My Aeons literally compose me. Literally (underline three times) like the thing with the universe, it just can’t be stressed enough how absolutely literal this is. They weave through with and are part of my chakras. They weave through with and are part of my organs, which means everything — even bones are organs in the body’s perception (which confused me until I realized how alive they are, they are even manufacturing stuff!).
But if you follow this logic out, you see where it starts to brain-crunch. I once wrote a blog post eons ago on Red Cairo called “My Liver Does RV.” It kind of amounts to that, in a way.
My 3rd chakra has an opinion about someone in my outer world. My Aeon Ray (my ‘backbone’) and that same chakra but my Aeons Taan and Ithikah, are all involved in my ‘strength of will.’ Those things are not the same but there is overlap. My Aeon Nero is definitely lower right back right where the kidney is, and always internally associated with water. So…
If I drink a soda am I slightly harming Nero? If my sedentary lifestyle results in a weak back, am I limiting Ray’s ability to live through this entity fully? Because Kyana Daoen has made it very clear more than once that my eating gluten directly does him harm. He is right in the upper intestine area so that makes sense. He even once shared the ‘feeling’ of it. It felt like a million tiny holes like it was “riddled” with them.
I once wrote that the reason I don’t pay more attention to my body is because I don’t want to know. I don’t want my organs to have opinions. I don’t want to be responsible for knowing I am causing them harm. I am offended by the idea that they have any degree of sentience or autonomy, I admit it. This is an “identity challenge” for me. It is much easier to think of my body as biologically alive but metaphysically inert — or as some aliens in ST:TNG once put it, “ugly sacks of mostly water.”
See the problem with granting validity to everything — I’m an “animystic” now, I have decided, to coin a term — a mystic, an animist, but the latter far more literally than any modern definition of that word — is that much of our life here is based on believing we are the only thing alive in the important ways and the only thing that matters.
If we truly granted “equal legitimacy” to everything that is alive and grows in our world, we would not be cutting down trees let alone eating cows. We’d promptly starve. Now it’s possible for us to grant all things divine equality but still kill them for food and landscaping, but it’s hard. Genuinely hard. I don’t think most people could do it so it’s no surprise our culture is just not geared that way. If we as a species ever knew or understood this, we have forgotten.
Following on the (felt horrible at the time) realization that I simply cannot exist — and then the understanding that I am an “emergent property” of that which composes me — and it was probably always this way and obvious to some people smarter than me, but I’ve had regular cycles of still trying to wrap my head around this, personally — I didn’t DO anything about that. I had a hard time even with the idea.
But gradually, more internal experience is reminding me of things I knew but didn’t have in that context. And more is showing me, more fully, what it means to be aware of and love/accept that which is of you.
Which leads back to the one-job thing. Yes, I have the right to sit on my ass with a weak back. I’m the CEO, it’s my choice. But if I truly respect my Aeon Ray, and I truly respect all that energy in me as having its own divinity, its own sense of identity, and its own righteousness-of-Being — then it becomes personal. Then it becomes, “I need this to live well, let alone fully,” and me going, “Fuck you, I’m gonna sit here and do my quarantine-blanket crochet, rather than lift that t-Bar for awhile, because I don’t really care what you want.” And then it’s PERSONAL. Yes it’s my right to make that decision. But it’s also my consequence because he is part of me, and that part of me is undeveloped or in pain for example.
There’s a part of me that intuitively understands that consequences are higher when you understand and do it consciously. I think it was Nero who once told me that was true even of things like feng shui. That the more you do it intentionally, the more you understand the reasoning behind what you are doing, the more powerful an effect it will have on you. You can’t go back to ignorance. If you know that ThingX in PositionY means Z, and you choose to leave it there, you are now consciously choosing to bring Z into your life. That is more powerful than merely the potential for it being stronger, which would be the case if things were in place but you had no idea.
You can’t accept the reality of what composes you without understanding that they are all your equal. Sure you have control and make the decisions. That doesn’t make them less real or less deserving. And if you accept that you are an emergent property of a composite, and you accept that the whole point of your existence is to function on behalf of all of that composite, while given the fantastic honor of existing yourself for the purpose of that… then you can’t just not give a shit about your liver, for example. That doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect about your food but it does mean you have to CARE. And if you genuinely care, your behavior is going to reflect that.
I am an incredibly miniscule part of Mark. I feel it sometimes. He loves me completely and madly anyway. It’s like I might just be a cell or something, who knows. But part of his divinity is that he does know… and he does love me… and he does want what’s best for me… and he does want me, within His Will (capitalized ’cause it’s life and death for my ongoing existence), to live to my optimum potential. Every time I beg him to just take a bunch of energy, some problem, or evolve me forcefully, he gives me some lesson shortly after explaining why he will not. But it applies to me and “that within me” just like it does to him and that within him. I joke he is teaching me to be a God. (“Nobody ever feels like a God,” he and Sun once said to me with humor.)
I suppose if I distilled those lessons down to the basics they would just sound predictable. Love yourself, because you are filled with the divine. Love others, environment and people and everything else, because your perception of them and relationship with them reflects what is internal to yourself. When you love it, understanding of it and with it will gradually come to you, and the process of love enlightens your own Being. Love really is the answer.
Also tacos. But that’s my own contribution to the divine plan.