Select Page

I was thinking of IG4, Sadaena, and her leaving, last night.

I realized something that was oddly traumatic and yet calming at the same time. That the infinitely flexible nature of identity means there is no such thing.

The ability to infinitely create also means none of the creations are any more real than another, that it is all completely arbitrary. Someone’s zillion year old alien theta found in a scientology session is no more or less real-and-valid than the IG I just loved with such utterly consuming sweetness.

Everything is. And is not. I understood this once, during my Bewilderness era. But differently.

On some larger level, a larger-I creates IGs and then releases them as part of the “shift” into that ‘role’ having a new composition.

In Bewilderness, I went through the “disattaching” process every day, and I even journaled how it was not about the individual but more like a realization every day that nothing/nobody had any fundamental attachment to me and the latest example in particular. And then later I fell into that “nothingness” experience. Well those experiences were related and I didn’t see that until now.

I had reached the point where I was beginning to experience it, subconsciously, it was like the first little pieces of something gradually being sucked into the gravity of the drain, there goes another, gradually speeding up, and I was observing this, as the weight of what was draining started speeding up, and eventually the whole experience took me.

I see. I think. This is why in a shamanic sense, “attachment” is inappropriate. It isn’t a lack of feeling. It is simply an adjustment of awareness: a lack of inappropriately-weighted sense-of-importance of one collection of energy compared to the rest of the cosmos.

You can still love the hell out of that energy and have a relationship with it. But it is a conscious decision to do so, and a recognition that the identity ‘is’ only while and because you are experiencing it. You have to be able to let it go, let it be subsumed back into the larger beingness, before/around/after its ‘focus.’


Today I was doing an exercise I made up 20 years ago. It started with some quality time in the tantric sense, not completed, I was just trying to focus myself and use the energy for something useful. Breathe in and imagine the energy streams upward gradually from the 1st chakra eventually to the 3rd. Breathe out and imagine the energy all ‘around’ the central path of spine push down which itself creates a push in the center to push it up that way too.

But suddenly I understood… this was so weak, there is so much more that can be done here.

J’rend, I whispered out loud at the recent guide who had touched my chakras and seemed to know, Help me.

Articulate your specific desire, he said softly, in a way that moved me, as if it were a moment of intimacy between us.

I want to learn to manage my energy, I said. Oh. In a way that is aligned with divine will, I appended, with a sudden guilt for having only thought of this afterward.

I “knew” before I said it this is what he is here for, that this is why he is with me now. I had known on some level, apparently though it wasn’t spoken. I felt no resistance to him as a guide, although I realized I hadn’t previously, either.

He said, Feel the “pushing up” like a solid flat force pushing up into you, and pushing that energy immediately up to the solar plexus chakra, not slowly but strong and very fast.

I tried this. It had a sort of internal kinesthetic association with sex, that was fascinating and attractive, like there was a sense of feeling a power pushing into, and the power in me yielding, and then the power anchoring in me, almost all at once.

I recalled the several times I’ve blogged that one or more of the Four were with me during something and pulled power into my solar plexus so fast it literally shocked me, as if the speed were important. Once Senior wiped out a whole identity that was not in alignment with his will and sucked his energy into us via me like that. I understood now the speed did matter, not just for speed but a sort of “momentum and passion and decision” all being tied together somehow.

I felt inside my solar plexus chakra. This would be the primary energy containment unit of the body among so many other things. I should imagine cleaning or settling it I guessed, again reaching in my memory for the spontaneous hopeful ideas I’d come up with just prior to my bewilderness days, for managing this energy in me.

J’rend reached inside that area of me but “with” me, I allowed and welcomed this, and I felt him seize what seemed the “precisely center particle of me” in that chakra and then… it’s hard to explain but it felt like pressure on it from all angles at once, inward, that then caused a reaction that was a “push in every direction outward” along with a sense of super bright white light, and at the same time I felt that move out and through that area I had the overlay of a sun going nova, nuclear fission and stuff like that, and I understood that this both cleansed, intensified, and “caused exponential amounts of interaction between the energy which also caused exponential growth in potential.”

I could feel that this part of me was now much more powerful compared to what it was a moment before, you might say much more than the sum of its parts — they were exponential not additional when managed properly — and I had the “ability to pull in” a ton more of energy also, I could feel it in me, as if the potential was a trembling-with-adrenalin look through an open doorway.

He grabbed and pulled an incredibly fine, powerful “string” of the energy, much like the “superstring” I imagine is me and goes through the center of me, threading me from earth’s core to galaxy’s core, and he pulled like extending it out of my solar plexus chakra, from top and bottom, to an inch above my crown and an inch below my perineum and then we…. sort of locked it into place although that isn’t the right word… set it firmly to ‘remain’ with intent, so the tiniest bit of what the solar plexus area ‘held’ as energy, was resident all through the body.

Not streaming out like I used to do, and not pulling in from above me or below me as I used to do, but merely “being there,” the energy connected ‘through’ the SP chakra and alive and all connected to each other but not in any ‘flowing’ way. Holding the intent was important, I felt; the more one could actually “lock in this focus and then hold it in the background” — exactly what Nero has been trying to get through to me for many years I abruptly realized — the more inherent energy my body and ‘attention’ are going to have.

I sat with this for about 20 seconds, feeling an at-first ineffable sense, that grew into one I knew too well 20 years ago, that had  scared me repeatedly. I mentioned in Bewilderness a few times.

I feel so ruthless, I whispered to J’rend in my head, as if I’d confessed something intimate.

I know, he whispered back. We all do. That is the effect of the power.

It kept growing, until I could feel a whole universe of me that was nothing but hunger. Utterly ruthless, merciless, consuming.

Flashing through my mind I sensed and half-remembered, as if through infinite lifetimes of experience being tapped, pulling energy from sex, not just managing it within myself but pulling it from my partner, slowly and with emphasis on holding it just in the surface of the skin. It reminded me of something:

I recalled how in healing when you are pouring energy in, when the area is ‘filled’ it ‘overflows’ and you feel it against your hands (and internally) and that is when the person finally feels it quite physically.

I suddenly understood this is how the incubus/succubus do it, give such pleasure as I once felt: they are pulling the energy outward from you, but they are holding a fraction of it just at the level where all the nerve-endings of the body make it so intensely physically felt, and the sensual joy of that feeling causes the person to release their will, allow the pulling, which gives permission for the vampire to drink more deeply of them, and I half-remembered doing this, as males, as females, maybe even as creatures in the night, and I felt almost drunk with the desire to do so, to live in that world of power and control and the sensual and sexual energy.

I had almost an explosion of memories and thoughts in me then, a different “perspective” it seemed like, and at first I remembered what seemed innumerable sexual climaxes of other people and I was “channeling-in” their climax from the instant the energy left what we’d call their skin if this were bounded by physical (it’s not), but then that shifted and the whole… energy of all the streaming sense-visuals-memories-imaginings in me turned violent.

But the violence was brutal and awesome, like it was pain and pleasure combined and I was craving it, pulling it deeply into me.

Then I was a small older woman, almost being shaken like a rag doll, huge hands on me bruising me, a man in front of me and one behind me were hurting me and both slamming into me sexually, as I was being forcibly raped by two big soldiers, which seemed slightly surreal despite it was so physical, like how could this be happening, in the midst of so much screaming and noise around me everywhere, and I felt this incredible rage followed by determination flow through me.

I pulled the energy against their skin, to make them more driven, more mindless and violent because I knew it would make them more vulnerable, and then just before they climaxed, I knew–I as she had experience with it, but not in this manner, not with the rage and violence, just with prior understanding–I could feel it in them like a sort of wide-open chasm, utterly vulnerable for just a moment just before their explosion would push their energy upward.

I reached into the first man in front of me who was just now opening and I ripped it right out of him, the energy, ALL of it, pulling it instantly into my solar plexus and just glorying on the thrill of his scream that began in ecstacy and changed to animal terror and then silence as he fell backward and was dead before his corpse hit the ground, his energy centers abruptly drained beyond recovery and his heart beginning to stop as his energy was MINE now. The other behind me just after that reached his opening-moment and I repeated it, tearing out his energy entirely and cruelly and feeling him fall away from me as I staggered suddenly, my feet on the dirt floor, free of them.

I shifted back to myself as thinker, and realized that if I could control this kind of power as well as she had, I could utterly consume it from others, immensely increasing my own power. In my head and heart was this understanding that there were repercussions for this, huge and profound ones, but I also understood they were soul-level, something that spanned innumerable time-space-lives (although it felt more like it spanned a universe and the lives were merely a part of that), and at that moment only the hunger of power in the NOW life seemed to matter.

The intensity of the focus fell from me and I sat there breathing a little hard, feeling J’rend in me observing how I experienced this and how I reacted to this.

I reacted with guilt to the sense of it. He is here to help you evolve, not make you a monster, I scolded myself about J’rend.

I am here to teach you to manage your power, he said softly. What you choose to do with that is your decision.

For some reason I found that so sexy, except not just that chakra, but the “equivalent feeling” in every chakra, like this sparking of interest and attention and excitement and desire on every level, for what having him could mean as an experience.

Part of me had a slow ruthless grin build as my cold, calculating planning began. If he would not stop me, if he would teach me, the path was mine to control.

Another part of me whispered like a plea and apology, “I AM aligned with divine will,” and prayed for forgiveness for even momentarily wanting the joy of that life-ripping consuming power instead.

And part of me watched both of these reactions calmly, with a completely neutral, observing awareness.


I had this glimmer of understanding that the profound need for focus, for divine-will centered prayer, and for heart chakra development, all related to this: because the power would unbalance one, and you would just want more, more of it, and that the “over-surge” of one chakra, if temporary would spark-increase the energy in those around it, but if continued, without those other chakras having their own growth, it would actually do them harm.

Then I further understood that ALL power is greedy. It is a mistake that we only assign that recognition to energy at the “power” 3rd-chakra level, the kind of energy was associate with command-control socially and governmentally and economically.

Creative and sexual energy also wants more of itself. Survival energy wants more of itself. Love energy wants more of itself. Communication, insight, spiritual rapport, all the energies of all the chakras, they are inherently consuming and consumed, utterly focused on their own density, intensity, expansion — their growth.

I understood that this is not just them, either. All creatures are utterly focused on growth spanning all their frequencies. In our case we have it for the whole chakra spectrum, some entities just have it for one or some chakras, and the chakras themselves are entities just at that single chakra like an elemental power, and there’s an infinite spectrum outside our bodies that we’re oblivious to…

And it’s all this way. Because Will expands. And Know Thyself is the fundamental function that expansion carries. That is not merely the good advice of the sages. It is the driving function of the universe.


J’rend. I turned my attention back to him. I loved the feel of you moving in me, I admitted. I’m excited by the idea of you helping me.

I thought about that for a moment. And yet I know my Aeons have immense power and can probably do some of this too, especially Nero. Why have I not felt like this with them? I wondered.

Is it that their relationship with me was too identity-based? I recalled the dream where I perceived them and then they dissolved like they were now sand-like energy instead of block-like energy. Was that trying to correct my filtering them?

So you are to help with all of these energies? I asked him, touching each chakra area through me with my intention. My heart? My throat? Everything?


I went through my chakras, imagining him working ‘with’ them and me as he had, and having the curious feeling that THEY had a sort of excitement about it. I recalled once feeling my knees were scared when I was doing high-weight squats and thought this seemed similar, as if emotion were coming from a specific part of me.

I also had the feeling I was missing something underlying this, a feeling I’d had when thinking about nothing, something, and identity. I felt it connected with a previous feeling a couple days ago, related to the sudden conscious understanding, via the third, that IG was not a guide outside me but “through” me.

J’rend, I said tentatively, kind of talking to him as I thought it through, are you… are you… part of my new IG?

You think of this incorrectly, he answered.

And I felt a response inside me, a combination of energies as he communicated differently, and there were no words but I think I … almost understand.

IG ‘weaves through me.’ It is a… a creative collection of the divine energy from and “of” the array-of-me.

And ‘me’ is defined as ‘composed of the cosmos’ of which, if I care to think of it that way, certain vast segments can be divided like a clock or tarot into my Aeons. The Aeons are like the notes in my octave. They are collectively the source of all the songs of my soul (a book title I came up with over 15 years ago and will be using before long on amazon kindle).

And segments within that, not contiguous in the way we think of such things in clocks or tarot, but often collected based on certain “likeness or affinity of energy for each other” (you might say harmonies) become what I call guides. Or to use a different model, you could think of an Aeon more like a whole suit of tarot while a guide might be only the “8” of swords (or even a specific element within that).

Some motes of energy of the vast ‘me-ness’ is selected to be a particle in an IG. Think of it like a trail of silver dust that is sprinkled throughout the night sky. The whole sky is me and the glittering dust is IG, and when its attention is coalesced it is like a small temporary distributed-sun.

It is me and all of that energy is also particles of my Aeons. And the guides are collected from the universe the way the Aeons are, but usually much smaller and more “focused” ‘dose’. Like they are the “properties or powers” of the Aeons, you might say, though they may be distributed across more than one of them, the way IG is distributed across all of us, all of me.

And when IG changes, then it is a different collection of energy, maybe a little of which is the same as the last, most of which is different, hence the new identity.

When sufficient integration of this with me, as reflected by light (= sun = heart-chakra rapport = love) has been achieved, a new ‘collection of energy’ is coalesced into a new “identity,” one a little brighter (= more angelic).

I am a star. My evolution is the gradual growth into nova. The new IG could be thought of like the ‘adjusted recognition of a slight increase in the overall luminosity’ of the star. As the brightness of my night sky increases, the brightness of the North star within it, which the rest of me is following, does as well, you might say, so I am ever-led by the greater-brightness.

That is why Sadaena can never be lost to me. She IS of-me. What Seth calls the “focus personality” of the “guiding light” simply shifts its composition — like looking into water and seeing some molecules group together to form a face that looks at you, in this case, some receded and others lifted and now the face is different, which is also the energy being different, although it is all of the larger-us-me.

The guiding light. Sigh. I have resisted this greatly, although I’m not sure why. But now I think I believe IG is, in fact, an evolutionary-identity-path-towards the divine soul-twin or holy guardian angel or Atman or whatever it is that someone’s label wants to call it.

Because I have encountered him a few times in various degrees “separately from” IG I have held that IG and this could not be the same thing. They aren’t, in the way that different IGs are not the same and Aeons are not IG and so on. But I suspect they are, in the way that technically everything that is in/of/with “me” is all coming from the same source, the same collection of consciousness which in this case, can be assigned infinite “identity” divisions and titles.

As irony would have it, I got a book in the mail Monday… I have used the phrase ‘archetypal psychology’ as slang but it turns out it actually exists, I’ve just been oblivious. It’s a book called ‘A Blue Fire’ which is a collection of writings of a psychologist named James Hillman, a jungian analyst who apparently took his interest a step farther but that’s all I know so far as I haven’t begun reading it. But I did read the TOC and it looks like he might have some kind of ‘process’ the way Steinbrecher did but he actually refers to the guide as an Angel. ES didn’t. That’s new on me.

But it seems curious to me that not until shortly after I DID finally begin to realize, and then ‘know’, that IG was angelic, did I find any outer-world suggestion that this was the case. To be honest I never felt it before, and part of me actually wonders if, semantically, it’s even appropriate to call it angelic if one is not actually capable of the holiness element of perception.

Would it have changed my relationship to IG for the last 20 years if I had thought of it as angelic rather than thinking of it as just a guide, “a functional service label?” I remember Sadaena answering me several times, “Everything is different when you are different.” So I guess yeah, it would have.


J’rend, I picked up our conversation again, Is it wrong that I feel this draw and intimacy with you?

It is natural, and difficult to avoid, given what we are working with and how, he replied.

And yet he is not an identity like… like an IG or even an Aeon.

Maybe he is like Tek in a way. Tek told me that he ‘desired’ to help me in direct relationship to me ‘desiring’ to be helped. He could tell me that I needed much more work with him, but he had no attachment to whether or not I did it. I realized now, that’s because my desire for him is what “evokes” him from within the larger-me. His identity doesn’t exist for the moments in which I am not doing so, is one way to put it, so attachment is impossible. (Or it might, but not ‘in relation to my attention’ perhaps. Which would technically make it a different identity since ‘my interest’ energy would not be present in him.)

But IG does, the Aeons do, and that is part of what marks them as different. The Aeons “maintain identity” regardless of my attention or acknowledgement of it. “Various aspects of them” work with me in various ways because we are part of the same cosmic cloth and we’re all experiencing and evolving so it’s unavoidable.

The IG’s maintain identity, perhaps not permanently through my life the way Aeons do, but more “temporally but powerfully” during their time. They have and maintain “focus on me” at all times. That is… a big part of the “difference” between these kind of identities. The focus of the energy, the duration of it, the intensity of it, the span of it.

Really it’s all just energy. I suppose in the end it’s probably all ‘light’ or something.


Now, I have the feeling maybe it should be ME to request the formal IG change. Like… like some state of responsibility or stepping up. No longer the clueless hapless human at the seeming whim of fate but a conscious decision maker. That IG provided the guidance and now it is my job to act upon it, rather than them forcing it. That they will if I don’t, but… I feel I should. That it is itself a ritual demonstration of some change in me, in how I operate, like I am not just changing IGs but stepping up to some new maturity.

I also have the feeling that maybe if I have issues with my relationship to the new IG it might be my job to find a ritual process that will bring us together in a bond, a little like IG4 did with me from her side at one time. Again, some kind of “step up to the driver’s seat” sense. Like until now I was a child in school and now I am an adult who has merely been giving the opportunity-of-access-to a mentor. What I choose to do with that is up to me, and nobody is going to baby me through it.

I’m reminded for some reason of an Aikido sensei I was sitting-in-on the dojo of once when I was about 20, and him telling his students that they were out of shape and it was their responsibility to improve this so their working with him would be more constructive. He was not the jumping-jacks sort of sensei like modern and western stuff: that kind of trivia is the responsibility of the student. The time with the sensei is limited and you want to be able to learn and do everything possible during that precious moment of focus. If you are less competent for learning or doing, it is your loss.

He is there for what competence you have, and during the moment of your shared attention, he desires for you to be competent and to improve, very powerfully as his focus is great so his energetic-attention on all levels is intense, but outside of that moment, he is not ‘attached to’ your progress: it is yours, not his. I had never thought of this until now but really a sensei in the ideal is a great deal like a guide.

It seems to me I am already working with the new IG5 but indirectly. I can feel the shift, as if my energy, his energy, what we are sharing-in-focus, is of a different “flavor” than IG4, Sedaena.

I try to feel grief for her but I can’t now. It’s like she has… returned the energy of herself into the larger flow of me, so I no longer feel the ‘reaction’ of my attachment to her brightness anymore. I have some after-effect of love is all. More like an overall afterglow now, than the chest-bursting-sweetness it was.


I’ve had some of the oddest feelings lately. I found myself imagining, in the way you would a daydream of something you want to do — like when you want to eat and you’re half asleep and realize you’re living it out on the mental level first — some rather different things.

I realized I was standing with a light long sword, in a position that was barely, barely moving at all, like Tai chi or what I’ve seen of it from a distance. I realized when I became aware of it that it came with a feeling I’ve had several times very recently, and I was probably thinking of something similar under the surface and unaware is all.

A certain “calm patient total focus” and a sense of intense effort yet with “bare” motion, as if the stillness and balance and the incredibly ‘slight’ motion were all (let alone combined) far more demanding than great motion would have been.

But the sword felt like another me, like tuning into some aspect of me (for all I know, some motes of energy which are involved in the new IG and so are ‘invoked’ now) that has done this, or to be more precise IS doing this, somewhen.

(An interesting thought: when an IG is ‘evoked from’ a combination of bright elements in the larger-us, all the lives that energy has been part of, perhaps are evoked? Suddenly “which” lives are our past/future/other-selves as we might tend to perceive it, have shifted.)

I feel this returning sense of “self-awareness and will” is the only way to put it. This would suggest improvement in my third chakra which has felt so weak for so long. In the chakra gem-world I could feel that my iteration of the yellow cube was “riddled” with holes, like the whole thing was very weak. I can feel it still needs work but I think it is stronger than it was.

I almost said sun-cube, and that felt right, and I held that back because I know the heart, the green 4-sided pyramid in that world for me, is the connection with the sun. But I was just ‘reminded’ of a lesson I got from the prince of disks: He lives through me, and that the sun lives through us all. Every chakra is a sun-gem. The sun lives through all those energies.