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Early morning: Made some graphic ‘sigils’ of the first group of Aeons, from the current round. I am not yet sure if I will do something with this, or if this concept of sigils (meaning, a specific combination of energies in a specific sequence) even means anything or not.

Morning to afternoon: Did ‘breathing with’ Nero, Bolehren, Marcan and Taan. Got that idea of 10 slow deep breaths, breathing them in, breathing them out, from Dominon (who was Mondnom at the time, I’d just met him) as it was his idea and he was doing that with me. Seems to work pretty well.

I gave them each a tablet of signed slips for ‘override’ of my defenses-etc. Got that idea of the blank check or “decree” from the arch in The Devic Kingdom of Me meditation.

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Late Afternoon: Briefly talked with the recent guide I met w/IG who said he handled “Instinctual things, habitual, ritual things, and natively programmed instincts.” Tried to get his name. Instead of a name I just see this color/shape that reminds me of some stacked figs I once saw in a magazine ad. Oddly, it seems reasonable that if it were translated into sound, it might be a sound “with ‘ee’ in the middle, except sideways.” The spacial stuff that mixes with sound is just so weird! I bet this is Nedlund’s area — sound that has ‘extra dimension’. Or throat chakra, since I notice there are visual equivalents of this as well. I decided to just call him “habit-instinct guide.”

Couldn’t figure out what to work with him on. Didn’t hear him well either. I offered him a 50% coupon for override. He haggled! And pullling this off despite that I could not see or hear him clearly was a real feat. Obviously I could get some concepts. In the end, bargaining back and forth on what he thought he needed vs. what I was willing to trust him with, given I don’t know him, and don’t trust any guide not to ruin my life because they think it would be jolly educational–call me paranoid, so what–I gave him an 83% override slip. Just one.

I’m calling him “RIH Guide” on the blog category for now.

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Evening: A rare and big thing: Ry and I decided to change the house. I made a plan to buy another spread/tapestry (or two), I love the way having the wall covered changes the feel of the room. I moved my desk out to the living room and I’m planning to move my bed over to the center of the room so I can get to the drawers on the other side of it for the first time in many years (captain’s bunk). Put a few tiny shelves in, in place of the desk. Ry and I moved the table and some stacked trunks to the garage, from the living room. We’re going to take apart the weight cage for now and store it, keep basic dumbbells and the slant chair around is all.

Also: We made Red Mud Soup. This is my favorite soup in the universe, hers too. It’s like when my body tastes it, it feels loved and nurtured.

I make a crockpot roast with about half a crock (oversized) of beef broth left over (I over-do the liquid since I’m making it more for the broth than the roast). In the roast we usually use montreal steak seasoning, a little bit of worcestershire [this has gluten unless you get a GF kind], red wine vinegar, sometimes a tiny bit of garlic or onion. This time we used none of the last 3 and in place of that used a little bit of bottled vinaigrette salad dressing. I save the broth for when I have time for the soup and I use either a pot or the crock to make it.

Then I clean, slice and sautee two packages of crimini/ portabella mushrooms in butter, with some Montreal steak seasoning. I sautee some sliced veggies (like yellow squash, carrot, etc.) in coconut oil with some garlic powder and onion powder. Then I put some broth and the veggies and mushrooms in the blender until they’re smooth (not while real hot, and always much less than I think will fit, heavy on the liquid when doing that). I dump it all back into the crockpot and then add one small can of tomato sauce with garlic, basic and oregano (it comes like that as an option, I’m not adding the spices directly) and two tiny cans of tomato paste. Then I stir and let it all simmer together for about 2 hours, then I turn the lid so it will reduce a bit, and let it simmer a couple more hours.

It’s spicy (not hot, just “very intense”). It feels like something you would use to bring a half frozen person back to life after snow rescue or something. We put it in little 8oz containers and freeze them and then now and then, put one in the fridge, and nuke it for a hot soup. Sometimes add a little half&half stirred in for a creamy version.

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Late night: I realized I’d missed IG’s midnight mass entirely. Went in and yes, she was there, though I could not see her the way I could back in October. I kneeled at her feet and started to apologize but ended up just talking about how amazing she was (a side effect of being Angelic is she invokes that at times) and passed out.

Woke up later via the kid, to finish off food stuff. Then went back to IG.

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Remembered I was supposed to … meet? Merge? recently. Week or so ago. I didn’t blog as I was in denial and kept forgetting. Repeatedly. Would have forgot again but a friend I told sent me an email reminding me. Which I carefully ignored until that night.

I can’t remember the context for meeting it (him) now, but at the time I think it was something like, “the parts of me I want to be manifest.” I was feeling as if some parts of me that used to have more… more discipline and determination and things like that have become… well background in my personality and I want them back.

The identity seemed to materialize as if from a fog. He had big wings!–which dissolved on him as the fog did. He was very muscular, slightly reminded me of my Aeon “Ray,” and given the coloring and muscle and just the feel of it, I felt maybe my brain was modeling it on the tech angel in a few of Luis Royo’s paintings. Not in detail, and the wings were diff. But the muscular, bald, and feel of him.

(See: Comfort which is my fave painting. LD got me a big print I still need to frame and hang. And Lover (warning that one’s NSFW) is another version of him. A younger thinner version of him is in another crucifixion-style painting also.)

At the time he appeared, not in a meditation just … there, like an archetype but in some novel way, I understood the goal was to integrate with him. But it felt like a big deal, I mean such a big deal that literally I was getting ready to eat something with gluten and I didn’t want to do the med until my system was cleared, as odd as that might sound. Like it was a whole magic ritual not ‘just’ an archmed. And then I put it off and put it off…

Suddenly willing, I asked IG for him (finally), and I skipped all the preliminaries and simply tried to merge. Which had the result of an almost-merge but not in the normal way. Like it didn’t quite work or is something different. Like we are in the same place but utterly separate. I did have a sense that it was more an equals-merge than the kind I normally do and I had some resistance to that. And that he was very much a part of me by which I don’t just mean some esoteric over-there energy-of-the-universe thing but something more akin to ‘another aspect’ of me. Still. IG was not talkative alas, and I couldn’t really get anything out of the aspect, so who knows.

(Later edit: I’m calling him “Formerly-Winged-Guy” on the blog under Aspects until I figure out more.)

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Another big change that night: In my blog one thing the re-reading showed me was how many times I’ve blogged that I feel fairlystrongly that some major energy in my life needs to change, I mean wants to and is trying to, and I wonder what that relates to, and it feels like my job, and then I just freak out and even cry and beg it no, not under any circumstances, don’t mess with my job no matter what, and so on. Ironically, I have only blogged a tiny fraction of the number of times that has really happened. Talk about repeating.

Last night I had that feeling again. But for the first time ever, in the few years this has been happening now, I actually felt different. Maybe the formerly-winged-guy effort?? I don’t know.

I said to IG, “I think I am getting ok with this. I think I’m starting to feel that this affects a lot of my life and not just my work. I think… if this needs to happen, if this energy needs to move, it might be ok. That I should let go and let it happen and trust.”

All in all I’d say it was a productive day.

P