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The Feminine?

Sitting with Mark, I realized that I had abruptly stopped my “Love Me Do” meditations right at Calme — the left, the feminine. Then I realized that I had abruptly stopped something else — I can’t even remember now — right there too. I know that area, Calme-LaeLee-Nedlund-(Nero to a lesser degree) is my avoid/deny area, tied to my sense of feminine and ‘vulnerability’ and so on.

Sometimes about being even momentarily in the nexus-world of the rose nebula the other night made me think a lot more of the feminine (she is right in Queen’s area and water in my room — on purpose I was told — and came across clearly as feminine) and I suddenly realized that if I want to be at a point with Mark on my birthday where I can “move on” — and not just being “going back” to everything I can’t seem to finish — I needed to immediately get through this stuff.

Also, it’s just bloody time.

“If you really wanted to meditate on the feminine and you weren’t in denial, you’d do it RIGHT NOW, not just think about it,” someone in the Aeonic said.

“OK!” and I asked Mark to please, let’s just get to it.

*

I was looking at blacktop (asphault) fairly close up, from maybe a few feet away, and it was raining. It was rather muddy and there was a wall or garage door or something right in front of me, but I was looking at some stuff on the ground near my feet. There were three black disks of some kind — could have been anything, the lids to takeout cups, or coasters, or who the heck knows, might have been trash, they seemed just dropped there, one slightly on top of another — and then there was some yellow stuff a little over to the right, that seemed like something else, maybe plastic, and might also have been some kind of trash, shape is hard to define, even at the time, sort of flat and round but with extra space and irregularity. Lots of dirt, mud, all over though.

Not a nice environment. Gritty dirty city scene from very close up. I almost pulled my attention away and then realized that ‘anything is something’ and this was it, I needed to go with it.

I decided to try the four elements first, and then I’d do that plus heart chakra love, and then I’d see if those ‘things’ were any different.

It wasn’t quite as horrible as the meet-med disaster but it was getting there. It wasn’t that I would get trapped in a mental loop like recent dreams. It wasn’t even that my brain would literally “fall through” the frequencies and lose its grip like was happening the other night. It was that I could not keep my brain on it for denial. NO excuse.

Now I have tried meds before where merely encountering the energy literally makes me faint dead away, I mean pass out utterly and deeply when I am totally wide awake. And I have met meds where my mind runs away from it and I can feel it, and it’s a really wierd ‘cyclical’ thing I have to play, where I go toward it, then freeze and wait for my attention to sort of “cycle around” and the moment it is “with me” again I refocus on it and move a little closer, over and over. I’ve had meditations that not only took many nights of many hours but were the most mentally difficult things I’ve ever done. Those were HARD. I was proud of getting through those. I had good reason to be. I seriously don’t think many people could let alone would do all that.

This was none of that. It wasn’t hard at all. It was just literally DENIAL. Nothing but denial. Dammit.

Every single thought I had promptly free-associated into something else and I was lost. Bring myself back. Over and over. And over. And over. Oh man! It was killing me!

I told myself that yes, actually, denial was obviously an issue for me, and I had to get through this and it was probably supposed to be hard to make me try harder, who knows.

“Aaaauuuugh!” I said to Mark in exasperation at one point. “This is like psychic dental surgery, my god!”

But I kept working at it.

I got through the rain of love with extra pouring to clean everything off. No rushing.

I got through the light of love and the wind of love with extra effort to really dissolve any of myself needing it. No rushing.

I got through the minerals of love. No rushing.

It took a real long time to get through those four.

I combined the elements and imagined feeding them through my heart chakra from the back and projecting them out, and attempted to genuinely “feel love toward” the ‘stuff’ I was sending the energy toward. The right side got my attention and so I focused, brought myself back repeatedly (where the hell was I…), and I tried, and tried, and —

And the yellow whatever it was, turned into a sort of flower. Not a real one, but not quite plastic either. It was an impossibly perfect round flower that looks like the beautiful but fake ones my neighbor puts all over her porch. Huh. Well I figured that seemed like a decent enough sign.

I wanted to do more toward the black flat round things but I got lost in denial again. I came back. Again. Again. Again. I was running out of time I had to get up and work darn it and I was so frustrated with myself. I couldn’t even get near them.

Finally, I got through the loving, and the nearness, and I sensed I needed to pick them up and turn them over. When I finally could (without my brain wandering off), they said:

YOU DID IT!
WAY TO GO!
CONGRATS!

on the other side, and they were like engraved brass or gold metallic on that side.

“Oh you’re just makin’ this up now!” I bellowed at Mark in my head, and then felt put off for a moment.

Then I just thought it was kind of funny. I suppose if it was THAT HARD then why not have something like that at the end, rather than whatever else?

I thanked Mark for being positive and supportive of me. I decided it was actually rather sweet, especially considering how demoralized I’d been about my results in the most previous meditation on the night of our meetday. Maybe he was just trying to be nice.

And it was READING! I didn’t even realize that till now, sheesh! But I LOVE when I get reading internally! I find it just the most awesome thing!

I sat with Mark a couple times briefly today. But I forgot this utterly until I was writing a post on a forum and suddenly it all came back to me and I stopped what I was doing and went to my text file to write this before I forgot.

*

 

It wasn’t until I was writing this down that I noticed a curious sync:

Back in January 2013 I had two meditations on the Queen of Cups. Except… it really seemed nothing like that.

In that med, I had basically four tall wooden poles, three to the left, and then one off to the right that was different but similar in a way.

That’s even when I got the “wand” power tool, as if the med symbols weren’t so obviously wands! One of them even became a ‘wand of power’ and actually got a hawk-head and then went into my body and flashed gold and settled there like it was in my spine.

Here I had basically four flat round disks — if the fourth “weird something sorta flat and round and something else” counts, might as well — three to the left, one off to the right.

Also, curiously, in that old wands med the far right one related to beauty and emotion and had a moon with a teardrops, and maybe it’s just me but a flower seems to relate to beauty and emotion to me, sorta.

Off to the side of the right-3rd-one in that med was the entire group of people who turned out to be the tarot disks ‘as guides.’

Now I understand why I can never remember my Queen of Cups meditation, even though I have recorded that I did it. Because it didn’t have a bleeping thing to do with the Queen of Cups!

Maybe I just really really needed to do what we did, so Mark did what I needed, not what I was casually intending? That would be the first time I had noticed this, if so. I wonder if “three and then something else” is — oh wait!!

Monde and Dragonshead Cove! When was that? Late October 2013. “I had four ‘things’ to work with. Three in front of me and one off to the left.” The three were all small (from a few inches to a foot or so), they were all ‘open at the top’.  (If we assume tall wooden sticks are wands, and flat round things are disks, would that make that cups?? On the beach in an ocean cove??) In that one, the middle of 3 was a “dynamic” not a form and it was what created the lightning-sand angel of Mark’s energy and “built the scaffolding of a structure” from my crown chakra upward. The four-thing at far left was Monde — a guide created of Dominon the Larger, apparently after I asked Solar Body for more of the Larger’s energy in some fashion. When I was getting his name was when I first saw the beautiful color of the rose nebula (very ajna), and after I tried to merge with him and was having some other odd experience instead is when he told me that ‘structure’ that went up from my crown was both of Dominon and Mark — that they have a degree of overlap — and I got the glass ball shining light under the sand that was the sphere containing that rose nebula thing then.

HMMMMMNNNNN. What does it mean I wonder, the three-and-fourth? Is it coincidence that with “The Four” we ARE actually the three and a fourth? I mean the three are a trinity of their own. They become the Four kind of as a separate thing, like pulling in my “level” — but they exist as a trinity without me. I wonder if there is a relationship between ‘the four’ and the happens-to-be-four quantity in the meditations.

Or Mark’s tarot as opposed to mine?

Not to be picky but in BOTH of the previous meditations that had 3-and-1, I got both a ‘power tool’ and a ‘guide.’ I didn’t get either from this.

The gold disks did feel kind of like awards in a way — archmed olympics haha — but — oh heck, I don’t know now. I’m not sure if I remembered all this because they ARE something useful and Mark is leading me to realize that, or if I’m obsessing over nothing. Probably the latter.

P