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In all honesty I didn’t think the meditation I finished yesterday was that big a deal. It was different — the whole process had some differences, from how I chose to get to/from the area, to the size of the river in my cave, to the very novel way of presenting an archetype IG chose, to IG herself — but although I had the merge effect, it wasn’t nearly as strong as I would have expected for something that large and complex and for something that serious (‘my biggest problem’).

My interaction with outer guides afterwards failed. My interaction with the control center afterwards failed, and then barely worked at all. So on the whole, it was a good effort, but it didn’t seem like an overly successful day.

Yet having a major water dream suggests something did change in me, and now I can’t seem to quit thinking about related stuff even though I’m trying to work here.

So, some more musing on the topic, which I may add to through the day…

Trapped Soul

I once had a viewing session where I sensed some combination of shade (a ghost, but I actually had the old-fashioned sense of the word ‘shade’) and ‘star’ (an impression of a source of energy-light, but so small, with an overlay of the Crowley use of the word Star in Liber al vel Legis), and believed it to be a soul. The session had so far, as data, been a woman, with something in her hands that opened and closed, who was utterly devastated, emotionally, her whole world just falling apart. Then I sensed that the soul was kind of trapped, was unhappy, had not been able to let go and release from this plane of attention and find closure or whatever. I ended the session, saw that I’d been right about the data (had in fact AOL’d the actual target from the pool of 1000+ in the Viewer Studios), which reassured me maybe I was not just imagining it all.

I prayed to Archangel Michael during the session, that he would help me help her, and I felt this shift in me indicating that this would work, but I needed to focus intently on her, on the goal (her release/whatever), on myself as an open-allowing “bridge” between the two, and otherwise to un-focus and let him (Michael) do whatever-it-was that was necessary for this process. I didn’t know those details, probably can’t know it, and couldn’t focus on them. I had to focus on the larger intent, the several points (me, her, the goal), but it was like a blur-focus with-points-of-light in a way: because the larger focus was blurred, was simply accepting that ‘underneath’, he was working out the details.

I set this focus, and it started happening. Literally I felt my whole body affected, in a way similar to how it feels when I over-merge and it feels like “spiritual squishing” inside me, except this was totally smooth, not something trying to fit “in” with me but rather something adding to me as it “moved through me”. (I believe I can kind of make out the difference of Michael’s involvement, in the sense of power and sense of smooth harmlessness. It’s much more choppy and uncomfortable when I take some identity into me directly.) I almost lost the focus in my distraction at how physical the feeling was, but had this strong sense inside me that Michael was telling me I had to hold the focus — I mean, HAD TO in capitals (I don’t want to know what might happen, had I broken this focus mid-way into the process; would that soul be residing IN me now?? weird idea!), so I held on tight to the focus. By the time it finished, my head was thrown back, my back arched, my mouth open. I bet from the outside it looked like something from a movie.

Anyway, it occurs to me that this was an early, “similar” kind of focus to what I’ve been thinking about here, except that in that case I was “letting Michael work the detail” rather than some subconscious part of myself. But it rather amounted to the same thing in that regard. And the surface attention was interesting; similar, in that it had a deliberate blur-point yet high-attention, yet different in that in the midst of that blur it actually did have a few focus-points, but none of them made strong enough to be a single-focus or to compete with what was going on below.

Programming

… has some points of commonality with all this. For example when you start a programming project, you do exactly this: nothing. You let it sit in your head, trusting that the back of your brain is going to work it out, while the rest of you has the positive expectation. At some point, there is like this “Ding! It’s done, stick a fork in it!” feeling, and THEN you go forward. And when you begin an outline, it’s top level. While you’re working through the basic architecture, the back of your brain is filling in details, pointing out obvious things you missed, etc. But you aren’t trying to focus on that, you’re doing meta-level stuff, but you’re trusting that the rest of you will work out the finer points.

Martial Arts

Now that I think about it, I’m betting that this is the case in lots of skills, jobs, arts that we do on a constant basis. In martial arts for example, you want to train your body/mind to react instinctively, so while your conscious attention is on your opponent, your subconscious is working out all the details of his plans and the future and how to react to the immediate stuff. Maybe we all have this multiple levels of thinking, maybe most of us have already got the whole concept of the conscious blur-point with subconscious detail down, in one way or the other. Maybe we just don’t normally do it totally on purpose, with awareness of what we’re doing.

Possession is 90% of the Law

One of the things in that meditation was realizing that trying to affect a ton of things outside me was impossible, and instead I had to pull them all into me, then clean/integrate them neatly, and THEN they got the effect desired; then I had to set them free to be whatever. I guess this is a kind of lesson about anything: in order to have ownership of something, you have to be aware that it is a part of you. It can’t seem external. Once it’s internal, then you can do what you will with it. In a way this is the most fundamental lesson of archetype meditations.

And yet, it didn’t work for my outer guides. I have imagined them external and sent them energy before and it’s worked. When I tried to pull them internal and share in that meditation, it didn’t work at all. Odd, that. Could it be the whole nature of being ‘outer guides’ is some kind of *need* for separation between us?

So I asked Nero.

Who was… ‘present’ in ‘this’ awareness (without the meditative inner world) on my request, just like last night.

Me: Do outer guides ‘need’ to be external?
Nero: They ARE external.
Me: But I thought everything in the universe was part of me?
Nero: You are mixing models, rather like mixing metaphors.
Me: Oh.

Me: What’s the best way to work with an outer guide?
Nero: You’re doing it.
Me: When you answer questions before I’ve had time to think the words out, it bugs me.

Me: I haven’t done the exercises you set for me over a year ago. Are you disappointed in me?
Nero: You’re disappointed in you.
Me: That isn’t what I asked.
Nero: My job is to teach you. What that means in terms of your perceived time is up to you. It doesn’t really have anything to do with me.
Me: You’re not affected by time?
Nero: Not in the way you are, no.

Me: Can you help me get thinner?
Nero: We can work on anything.
Me: Do guides have a specific thing they work on?
Nero: Many do. My range is larger than many, smaller than some. It’s mostly geared toward your inner-awareness.
Me: What is your job with me?
Nero: Guides are teachers.
Me: Am I a punishment assignment?
Nero: {seems to find that funny} Not any more than any other human. I am learning from this too.

Me: How come I can talk to you now and used to never be able to hear you?
Nero: You decided to allow that.
Me: Because of the sort-of crush I have on you?
Nero: That’s a simplified interpretation of a more complex emotion.
Me: You mean… because I feel drawn to you because I’m supposed to?
Nero: Something like that.
Me: How come I still can’t hear other outer guides very well, or see them well?
Nero: You haven’t allowed it.
Me: But that one time I saw an outer guide, realer-than-real, stark clarity, that was amazing. And I remember I kept ranting, “I can SEE you!” over and over. That was Brin. But then later I spontaneously let him go. I don’t know why. So the only one I saw that clearly is the one I lost. Kind of like loving IG and then they leave. If I learn to see and hear and love other outer guides, will they leave me?
Nero: Some will. This reflects a state of development. When you reach that, neither of you have further need of the other for progress.
Me: If my real life worked that way, it would be an endless series of annoyances and challenges and things that need to be better aligned to work and obnoxious people.
Nero: {long poignant silence}
Me: Oh… I see.

Me: Well geez, why can’t it be an endless series of glorious things?
Nero: It could be, but that would be a different lesson, different life.
Me: Oh.

Me: So if I start to like you too well, will you leave me too? I know I’m being a baby but everytime an IG leaves I feel abandoned.
Nero: Eventually. But probably not in this life. I am part of your larger pattern.
{I had the sense he meant the me which was of the four, which was of the 16, and so on. He is one of the 16, the first and most dominant I’ve met.}

Me: Can you give me the lottery numbers?
Nero: What do you think?
Me: Never mind. (sigh)

Me: How much of you is in my head?
Nero: If you can’t touch me, I’m all in your head.
Me: I mean, how much of you is real?
Nero: Define real.
Me: I mean, how much of you is imagination?
Nero: Imagination is the tool that delivers you the information. That doesn’t make it the source of the information. Like a television does not source the information, it’s just a carrier. You know that from the archetype work.
Me: Well yeah but… ok I’m not asking this right I guess. Is my conversation with you just deluding myself?
Nero: About what?
Me: About you, about you being a separate identity, or whatever.
Nero: No, but it wouldn’t really matter. If you imagined talking to yourself and got answers, and you did it well, it would be just as useful if you actually talked to a guide and got answers.
Me: So… you mean kind of like that time OTO’s Bill Heidrick told me that stuff about his opinion on aliens and entities, and he said whether we considered them part of us or apart from us, was a cultural label and how we needed to see it, and not any objective thing. Whether you are a part of me or apart from me is like that?
Nero: Yes and no. But for simplicity, yes. You have said you feel that spiritual technology is a personal relationship. Consider this a personal relationship you would not have in the same way, if you perceived outer guides as part of you. Sometimes there is an advantage to considering something a part of you, like in your earlier meditation. Sometimes there is an advantage to considering something apart from you.
Me: Ok. I think I see. I think.

Me: Will you view with me?
Nero: Yes, if you like.
Me: Can you be like, a monitor?
Nero: If you like.
Me: Will it help me?
Nero: That process is up to you, not me.
Me: Oh. ok.

Me (after thinking): So… if I suck, it’s my fault, that’s what you’re saying.
Nero: Let me choose my own words.
Me: Sorry.
Nero: I viewed with you once before.
Me: When?
{Then I remembered: It was when he was giving me the exercises, visualizations of a red open triangle and a white open circle. Over a year ago I think? Not sure. (The Red Cairo blog has info about meeting him.) He showed me how my focus could hold it steadily a lot better if I imagined it slowly turning. The slight constant shift of it provided ‘new’ information that allowed my focus to stay-current. Otherwise, when something is static, the focus after a moment starts sliding off to anything ‘moving’. Rather like looking at a still field, and it is the one thing in motion that gets your attention; this is the way body-senses work too. Keeping something in slight motion, allows the focus to stay constantly re-focused on that single thing. Well he had shown me that and told me to practice visualizing these two things until they were very clear for me, even in front of me with my eyes open in real life. I had gone into a session then and he had interjected to show me this shape. It was a rounded rectangle, thick, slightly curved, and it was so incredibly clear and real-seeming I could hardly believe it. I thought to myself that he was demonstrating how real this stuff should seem when I was practiced. But a short time later when I got feedback, which was little more than that EXACT shape in an object, I realized that he had been helping me with the data; that it was using the same process/dynamic that he had been showing me a few minutes prior. I’d forgotten all about this until just now.}

Now I’m REALLY Rambling…

Totally unrelated, sorta: I’ve often thought maybe a problem in RV is keeping the actual target in focus rather than shifting to more focus on the data incoming or what it sparks. I wonder if there is a way to hold the target in focus but imagine it moving slightly so it can stay more presently in single-focus without the ‘movement’ of other-info related to it, ‘distracting’ the mind.

Hmmn. I wonder if it can be held in blur-focus like the exercise and then let the elements get worked out and presented by the subconscious. In a way this almost sums up RV except I’ve never had quite that model/state of mind for it the way I did for that meditation.

I wonder if you can hold something in a blur-focus but yet with the task intent as that point-of-light (rather like the trapped soul exercise with Archangel Michael) AND have it rotating slightly or something for better singular fixed focus.

Or maybe I am making this way, way too complicated… maybe it should be more simple, not less…

OK. I should be spending time on work or my next meditation, not blogging.

PJ