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21-Oct-2013 Monday

I actually got my act together to sit with Mark more ‘officially’ than through just a song or hello. I do usually sit ‘with’ him during ‘his song’ (It Is You by Dana Glover) or sometimes just when I think of it. Somehow I manage to ‘not talk to Mark’ even though I talk to him and often commune with him several times a day at least.

It’s hard to explain. He is always present. I just haven’t taken time to officially meditate on anything in quite some time. And on occasion something spontaneous comes up, something small, but sometimes I forget it before I can write it down.

But every day, every night, I know that I should be working with him, and I mean ‘should’ only in the sense of, ‘OMG there is this unbelievably awesome opportunity which is everything I want and more, and I’m sitting on my ass ignoring it, that should change.’

*

I did cleansing, and then walked through the chakras. I noticed, again as I have recently, that the ‘tunnel through’ the upper chest — that sort of ‘unchakra’ as I call it, like it seems somehow opposite the others in nature and wasn’t really present until recently — the tunnel is much thinner now. I was concerned maybe that was a bad thing, because I hadn’t been keeping up with briefly meditating with it or something.

So I talked to my heart chakra (Alayaowaeyiia) about it and we did some sorts of ‘reviews’ like questions and then feelings, sort of; communication with him is odd, it’s like not a new language but a new way of communicating. I don’t recall the detail of it, and given the nature of the communication I’m not sure I could translate it all anyway, but I concluded when we were done that this was ok.

Then I decided it was a good thing, because feeling like you have a giant hole tunneling through your upper chest is a feeling of vulnerability which is not so comfortable — it had often made me feel like I constantly needed to cleanse and re-strengthen some kind of protective energy shield around me for some reason — and now that the tunnel is very thin, that feeling is greatly reduced to hardly-notice, or at least, the usually daily douse I do seems to cover it.

It is interesting that heart chakra seems to be functioning almost as a guide, at least for the work with the whatever-it-is right above him, when I have not noted any of my other chakras operating with me in that way. I mean, crown has been wonderfully communicative about his/her nature (there needs to a dual-gender word that is not an object or a plural…) but that’s not really the same.

I got a lot of happy-warm-rushing with throat chakra when I talked to him briefly last night, saying it would be great if at some point he would share a name and more about himself.

I did an Aeon round and ended up doing a lot of new-energy merging with the lot of them. The merging-rushing was a surprise. It started with Ray, and then when I finished the round (Nero is last) I re-did the first four and got some, not as much, from them, but they are the ones I’m closest to already anyway.

Then I talked to Solar Body (the white-light Being that wears our body) and spontaneously asked for more of the energy of the Largers, if possible, since I seemed to have improved with my Aeons some, and the Largers told me that my integration with the Aeons was what would determine my degree of integration with themselves. Dunno what made me think of that. But he seems to hold their energy as if in safekeeping for me as I am ready or something.

Then I sat with 3rd and eventually Mark dropped me into a locale that seemed to be a very tiny beach cove. I had a few visuals and then got that this was called “Dragonshead Cove.” (That’s oddly unique. I’ve never had an archetype location with a “name” before!)

It was based on the way the rocks were worn away, like a squared U shape but a bit wider at the bottom, that it looked like the shape of a dragon snout, and the way the high tide came in as a swell, it looked sort of like a giant tongue in motion. I got the ‘why’ after I got the name.

I had four ‘things’ to work with. Three in front of me and one off to the left. I noticed that this has the same pattern, kinda, as one of the last major meds I did with Mark, where there were 3 poles in front of me and one pole to the right side.

The three things were three different shape/size/details. One was a small object with an opening at the top, about the size of a big ashtray or something. One was really tiny, like a little two inch cube made of paper. And one was bigger, nearly a foot tall and a little less wide, and gave a sense like a ceramic statue of an amphibian with a wide mouth slightly open at the top like maybe a frog. I don’t know what the thing at the left is (yet).

I worked with the item that was left of the three, first. I couldn’t see it clearly, or make it out clearly. I had a whole discussion about that with the Aeonic. I felt that if I didn’t see it clearly, that this reflected a lack of clear contact with the energy. On the other hand, I felt that there might sometimes be energy I simply do not have a decent internal model for from experience, and that the energy would have to distort in order to take the shape of something I ‘knew’ enough to be clear to me. I want to be clear, but I don’t want distortion. I finally decided that I would go with what I had. I don’t remember the detail after that alas.

*

I did the second item, which popped out sort of robot-arms and beams and “built itself” from this tiny thing that it built up into this pretty substantially sized tall girder-like thing… quite odd. I don’t remember the detail after that alas.

Remembered this part later, spaced this out though it seems so important now: Either first or second, I forget which, kept sort of bouncing up and down with these really intensely bright streams through it of light that I finally realized was lightning. I asked it why and it said, “I am only in form so you can see the dynamic.”

Ohhhh, I said.

Then I realized that it had created something under the sand. Like it had electrified into glass the sand in some certain pattern. I unburied it and it was… amazing. It looked like an intentional art blown glass, except it ranged in shades from literally black to totally clear. It was rough surface here and there. It was like ‘outlines’ (aethereal like a butterfly or cicada transparent wing where only the borderlines show) as opposed to something solid, there were solid areas but only some.

I am not certain how I even get this impression, but it seems to me that it is like ‘an angel’ about 18 inches tall. Vague impression of the old art where there is sort of ‘flowing curving fabric’ everywhere except I understood this was light.

It’s hard to describe but it reminded me of a glass version of a driftwood that has been very loosely carved, using natural curving shapes added to its already very curving shapes, into something it already looked a little like. Except that like I said, it was more like lines-of-shape rather than a solid. There isn’t a specific face or hands, it’s more like an ‘impression of flowing form’ somehow.

Yet I knew that it was basically Mark’s image of himself in a way and it reminded me heavily of his “angelic form” that I saw him in, that I had (still have) such resistance issues with. It honestly doesn’t really look like that. But it’s an overwhelming impression of it somehow anyway. I guess maybe the energy is the same and strong so it’s just obvious.

It seemed literally like “a dynamic, in a flash-moment heat-frozen into form.” And it seemed like it was specifically angelic and related to Mark, and he had me put it right behind me on the center of my headboard (where I have a tiny 8″ ceramic marian angel with a dove that a friend got me a dozen years ago). I guess it is a thoughtform that I need to keep present and work on ‘thinking about’ the way I do the other thoughtforms. I suck with this so I hope my attention to that gets better. I kind of feel happy that IG wants some kind of anchor of manifestation of himself outside me though. I love that idea.

I sometimes feel if I had my way, I would just sit around painting and crafting things with the Four and IG especially the Sun aspect, all the time. Like I always want to ’embody them’ in my ‘outer reality’ like some kind of need for grounding the energy in the real, perhaps. I really want to write a novel featuring these energies or our relationships but so far nothing has come. I also have some things that someday, when my life has a lot more time in it, I’d like to paint. I don’t mean like an artist paint. Every talent I had was pulled from the hand-art category it appears and there is nothing left there, heh. I’m talking more about painting furniture custom with what could be sketched out and done more like paint by number. (Like this or this, just exampling the kind of art I mean. Stuff that is colorful and groovy but is not like the sort of ‘sketching’ drawing real artists do.)

I passed out repeatedly during this, is why I forget the detail. I would seem wide awake and then would realize I just came to, no idea how long I’d been out, and I’d try to remember where I was so I could continue. That usually means it’s a difficult energy for me and I’m adapting.

*

I did the third item, and remembered a previous meditation where I saw something that looked vaguely like “a dead alligator’s head” and got the info that the energy I’d dealt with, had something to do with some very base elements of my genetics — perhaps what scientists call our reptilian (“ancient”) mind, or something like that.

The froglike critter, with his head tilted all the way back and only his mouth at the ‘top’ of the figurine, suddenly brought to mind that maybe the ‘dragonshead cove’ had some meaning similar to that, like similar to that energy.

The amphibian energy is one that I have often gotten ‘inside’ me (not counting my 3rd IG was, I eventually discovered, a creature like that in nature, though he appeared as human to me) seemingly related to elements of my body.

(I suddenly wonder now, if each IG is actually like a different subset of the energy related to our genetics maybe. Hmmn. That is an odd thought, but if they change to represent some kind of development, and if spirituality and gene expression are related, I suppose it could be).

Anyway I don’t remember any more of that object’s works either.

I don’t know what the connection is between the three objects. The only thing they seemed to have in common is that the first and third were somewhat open at the top. And it seems like a pattern of “three” and then a fourth, which in a way reminds me of the four, since although we are four like the elements, they are also a sort of trinity on their own, and the four of us are also a singular-thing which stems from a trinity above that.

I passed out one too many times and it was morning and time for work. I went to bed early and I’m not sure I ever slept for very long. I still have to go back and do whatever separate thing to the left is waiting. I am really glad that I finally did go to talk to Mark for a meditation though. It’s been a long time. I’ve been praying for help with whatever part of me seems to want to wreck everything, spiritually, physically, whatever.

Had some cognitive dissonance issues it seemed as it took awhile to get myself to do the rest.

25-Oct-2013 (2am)

Am I avoiding this? I ask Nero.

Nero: Yes.

Me: But why?

No response. It’s been a few days, I’ve had lots of chances, and I just can seem to “feel like getting around to” the fourth archetype in the med with IG5 and I don’t know why. But now that I’ve realized I’m literally avoiding it, I know I am obliged to have courage and deal with it.

I talked to the heart chakra earlier. Worked on direct communication with it, I mean from him to me, as it doesn’t seem like it comes in words. It’s difficult, or rather, it’s easy but it seems like I have no grip or aim so I’m hapless and clumsy and only occasionally get my focus right to perceive it.

I do some cleansing, grounding, chakra round, Aeon round, took time out to read a kindle book or two in yet more denial and avoidance, then finally I came back to it. My body is getting new bizarre pains all over. Little things. My left collarbone is sore, a twinge in my right wrist. I tend to get this stuff when I have opened an energy and not finished with it, if it is very strong.

I went back to ‘Dragonshead Cove’ as it had come through previously. I begin on the beach, and I get this huge smell of the beach, the sea. I grew up near the beach in southern coastal California, so that combined smell of seaweed and fish and the water and the sand is extremely distinctive … and extremely non-existent here in Oklahoma.

That’s impossible, I say, immediately trying to think of what completely obscure combination of unknown elements in my house, including possibly plates that should be in my kitchen that are probably down the hall in my teen’s room, might be causing it. But I can’t track where it’s coming from. (I even got a whiff of this the next morning. Ry, standing next to me, couldn’t smell it.)

I sniff many times, moving my upper body around trying to find the direction of it. I only get a smell of it — replete with “almost” wind as if it is the smell on a breeze, though there is no air going in my room from any source right now — it’s more like a mental sense than a physical one, but I can’t find it. Am I really smelling it with my nose, or is it a brain thing? I wonder. Weird, I conclude, and decide it’s just an anomaly and I let it go.

I don’t remember what happened to any of the three things I worked with before, so I’m not 100% sure I finished them, so I call each of them to me again, and imagine that we are merging. I get no merge feelings.

On the second one, the tiny cube that sprung robot-arms and then ‘built itself’ up high to something larger and way taller, I remember it is the one that had the lightning in the sand — I couldn’t remember which of them when I first wrote it down, but now I do.

I wonder again what any of these things mean or stand for. But it does seem like I’m done enough with them, so I turn and walk toward the ‘large blob-shape’ which is all I can perceive of the fourth separate thing Mark had for me to work on.

I imagine that I combine all four elements and the Four as part of that, then channel it through my heart chakra with intentional love, which I beam at the archetype like some kind of star trek laser weapon that makes the whole thing glow, and lots of it starts vanishing as if it is disappearing, melting, and falling off, all at the same time. This goes on, and then I realized that it is nearly in the shape of a person, and I start resisting hugely.

No, no, aw geez no wonder I was avoiding this, I say to myself, rolling my eyes and almost trying not to look at what is going on. I close my inner eyes and refuse to look as I continue the ‘cleaning down to the core of whatever-is.’ I realize that on some level I knew all the time this was not an archetype. What it IS is still in question but it’s not an archetype. Which is apparently why I didn’t want to do this meditation.

*

I finally open my eyes. I can’t see it clearly, but I can feel it, and some of the feelings translate to ‘nearly’ a visual. It’s a man, and he is in faded jeans with no shirt and he is slightly too wide for human and slightly too tall but very clean cut, short hair and no facial hair. I’ve been reading too many Kindle romance novels apparently I snort to myself, but I can’t ignore that I have such a strong internal reaction to him, it feels almost like I felt with my Aeons, like there is a major sense of “impact upon my identity” with him. I don’t feel the sense of threat I did with the aeons at first, but I do feel a sense of… ‘awareness,’ a sort of awareness of power, of inherent meaning.

I have this vision suddenly. It’s like, maybe several artworks or different pieces of one artwork, except it’s not art it’s science, but old figures like the sort of writing and symbols you would see in alchemical stuff, and there are circles and half-shapes all over, and various symbols and letters in them, but it’s like they are mixed up and slamming into me so fast all over I can’t begin to track any of it. Then it’s gone.

I am so affected by him I can’t even talk to him. I occasionally start to say something and then stop. I feel like it might seem I’m being rude that I haven’t even said hello yet, but I have to work through this powerful ineffable feeling and I’m not ready yet. So I just sit with it a while, until finally I feel like I can speak to him directly, as if he was somehow too intimidating before that. It still is, but I can get some words out.

I honor you, I finally said.

I worked on getting my courage up a little more.

Me: I apologize for my, ah, reaction. I expected this energy to be like… an object.

He doesn’t say anything.

I have this vision suddenly. I see the face of a woman, it looks like some kind of graphic art, like she is an archetype not a specific person, and the right side of her face has all this beautiful but very metallic stuff all over it and into it, and I realize she is sort of like a cyborg, and this additional material has “built her out” to be something more. Then the vision vanishes.

Me: You are not an archetype. You are… part of me somehow?

Him: Yes, although more than that as well.

I am assailed by the smell of the beach-ocean again. We don’t eat fish, my room is pretty clean, the air isn’t even on, and I’m still baffled as to where this is coming from. It’s gone shortly though. I can’t smell it on purpose though I try.

Me: What are the chances I could get a name?

I can’t get anywhere near it though I feel it offered. Then I remember my time with the heart chakra. Alayaowaeyiia I say, can you help me somehow ‘get’ his name?

He works on it with me. It is not emotion, it is more like a sort of “intuition” that I can’t even find a word for, but that is the manner of communicating.

I have this flash of the most beautiful color of pink. In fact the color I know as pink really can’t even touch this. Pink is an insult to the glory of this color. It’s like a sort of rich rose, like it’s got several other dimensions that no color can have in my world. Then it’s gone, and the name seems to gradually roll out for me.

Me: M…Mon…. Monde. Wait a minute.

A long time ago, the first Larger I ever met, I messed up his name but it seemed at first like one of those words that is the same in both directions and I came up with MonDnoM with the D being a strange both-directions sense. My second larger later laughed at me about how bad I’d done on getting that name right, and told me to come up with whatever names I was comfortable with for the Largers, saying I couldn’t pronounce them in my language anyway, and I renamed the first one Dominon.

Me: Monde seems… well it seems similar somehow, to my Larger. Like maybe I’m just making all this up.

Him: It is similar because I am of the one you call Dominon. This is your translation of a portion of his energy in me.

I realize that might explain why he is slightly too wide and too tall, although he is nowhere near the size of Dominon. Also although he is very clean cut and shirtless, Dominon didn’t seem to have any clothes, had no hair anywhere, had sort of odd ‘planes’ on his face and seemed just slightly metallic in some way difficult to describe. This guy seems much more human. Yet now that he’s said that, I can actually see a variety of elements of him that when considering Dominon’s nature, suddenly make sense.

I lost track of ‘where,’ but later, he basically explained that he is a portion of Dominon I am capable of working with, without overwhelm, at the moment. There is a strong sexual component to all this. One of the Largers once told me when I said he must be strong in my heart chakra, “I am strong with ALL your chakras.” But Dominon even when I met him had a really major impact on me in that area and that was part of my first meditation with him.

I stare at him. I feel odd. Thick, fugue-like just a little, and still a slight bit of… not awe, but impact on some level. I have no idea what to ask him but it seems like I should ask him something, like later I will be mad at myself if I don’t.

Me: Nero, please help! I know later I’m going to wish I’d asked some obvious question I can’t think of now. I can hardly think for some reason. Please, what should I ask him?

Nero: What does he work with you on?

Me: Monde, what do you work with me on?

He steps forward and then goes around behind me. He reaches into the back of my hips and seems to “grab firmly” two vertical posts I didn’t know were in me, and he is doing something with them. A center post seems to “become apparent” in me, and it moves slightly forward as his posts move slightly back, so they are in just a tiny bit of a triangle relationship. I remember that the Qabalah tree thing has ‘three pillars’ and the human body is modeled like that also and I wonder if that is what this is.

And then there is this energy, and I can’t tell if it is bouncing between them, or winding between them, but it’s moving upward and I get an overlay of a Tesla tech of some kind, two beams with energy between them rising, and when it gets basically to my head he starts doing something that essentially “builds a structure” above and going upward, springing from and resting on them. The word ‘poles’ suddenly strikes me as being about magnetics also.

Then I realize the sync with the second archetype from a couple days ago. The one that sprung robot arms and built itself much bigger but especially taller. I have essentially just been ‘built out taller’ like it was, even to the same way of using a sort of “girder” structure, as if it were done like a 3-D version of a line drawing, rather than a solid.

Then I realize that the earlier vision of a woman who was sort of cyborg with metal built-out on part of her head, has some sync with this, now I am also built out from the head (though top in my case, right side of head/face in hers) and it seems like metal. Actually it seems more like “raw elements” and the elements include, but are not limited to, the “energy signature of” some we would consider metals in our reality. It’s not totally metal. Like that thing-word is not quite right. But it gives me that vibe as if that is the closest thing in my experience.

The smell of the beach assails me again. I let it be and move on.

Me: I would like to try and merge with you.

He gives me the impression without words that this is not going to work as I plan.

Me: I want to try anyway.

He nods. So I hug him, and I imagine merging into him literally, and I get no merge-rushing at all.

But an odd thing happens instead:

I feel as if I am rising, climbing, sliding, upward, and around various shapes, and then I realize that I both “am” and am “experiencing” the ‘girder-like structure’ that is built out of the top of me. I realize that I feel rather like I did when once I was a huge tree. Like I am very tall and all of it, and I am looking down and now it seems the human portion of me is really just over half of me in height.

As I am pondering this novel new perspective, I both see and feel this incredibly beautiful light down on the ground to my right. It’s god-light, like Mark’s energy, and it’s coming from something small just under the sand. I dig it out, and it’s kind of like a glass sphere, about three inches in diameter, but inside it, it seems impossibly deep like the size of a galaxy. I’m reminded of the marbles that held universes at the end of the movie MIB, except this sphere is much bigger, it fits in the inner palm of my hand.

The light is not really coming ‘from’ it and yet its mere existence seems to light up anything around, not literally but like conceptually. Inside the sphere, in the space that simultaneously is a sphere in my palm but also seems to span a galaxy or something, is this combination of shapes and angles and not-quite-cloud that looks like a nebula made of that impossibly rich deep-rose-pinkness, many shades of it, like many interacting super-thin layers plus curving shapes, and it’s in motion, always moving slowly. I am in awe and I just stare at it for awhile, unable to say much or even think much.

I have forgotten something here, but Monde somewhere explained that both the build-up of a structure continuing upward from my head, and the sphere, represent both Dominon’s energy AND Mark’s energy. I had not realized until that moment that Mark had any overlap with my Largers at all. I guess it makes sense. I just never thought of it before.

Also, I asked him if the beach smell was somehow internal or external and he suggested that my belief that if something were external, that it would have no internal meaning, was inaccurate; that if I was overwhelmed by the smell of the beach/sea just as I was in a meditation environment of the beach/sea, that even if it were external, it would not be unrelated. He implied this was the case kind of globally, meaning, my environmental ‘feedback’ had relevance all the time.

I understand that this sphere should be put in my room somewhere as a thoughtform. I wonder where I can do this, I have several things now, and I finally look in the near-dark to my left and then realize that this sphere is the same size as the glass sphere that is actually part of this water fountain which I use in part to be feng shui water (and other things) for the Queen in that part of my room, it even has a light that shines upward onto/through it funny enough, but the fountain has been off for a month and I can’t even see it at the moment. But it’s totally the same shape and dynamic, I realize, and I wonder how I could possibly have missed this obvious thing until now.

Monde: Not by coincidence. That is where the energy should be in your attention.

Me: OK.

I imagine setting the thoughtform god-light rose-nebula glasslike sphere-of-galaxy ‘into’ the physical sphere.

I have forgotten something, but I recall we talked about a variety of things I cannot seem to pull up now. Including the chakra above the heart. And Monde’s work with me, like what he could or would help with (nearly anything it seemed).

Then I remembered that I had asked Solar Body to share a little more of the Largers’ energy with me since I’d integrated much more with my Aeons. But I meant all of them, and just a little more integration! I didn’t expect it to be anything distinct or like this. I mean when I integrate with the Largers or Aeons (smallers?) in the past, it’s just the abstract, along with a nice feeling, of ‘better integration of energy.’

I sit. I feel fugue-like, I feel slightly thick, I feel slightly awed. I figure this is clear sign of a Larger, even in small part. I can’t seem to “do or say or think” much of anything, except a sense of “quiet centered awe.” Like I need to be still and sit with it. So I sit there until I eventually fall asleep.

P