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I spent a few days with what felt like a “kickback” following the OMG-I-LOVE-IG phase recently. It took me awhile to realize it was fear. Fear that it was a fluke, imagination, that it couldn’t be possible or real, that it wouldn’t come again, that I wouldn’t be able to hear her so clearly or read text given me and so on. Fear that now that I finally knew what I was missing, it meant more to me than it ever had before, by far, and I was so afraid to find out I was wrong. I asked IG to help me work through, sooner rather than later, whatever energy causes me to resist working with her, since this has got to be what is most important: if I can’t get to her, she can’t help me with everything else.

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Totally separately in time, although perhaps not in other ways: I recently came to the conclusion that some very large part(s) of me are suicidal. I got a new cpap mask that cost a small fortune, a couple weeks ago, and still haven’t begun to wear it. I’ve degenerated to eating only every other day, one meal that is lucky to be enough nutrition for one meal let alone two days, and sometimes I only eat that because the kid is freaking out and insisting I must. My sleeping habits suck which are entirely my fault. In short, of all the things a human being must have for survival, air food and sleep, I seem to have some major psychology in the way of all of them. And the 3rd insisted I get it together and work with IG and I just realized that was early June and it’s now August. I feel like I have a “shadow-self” that is nearly as strong as I am and is trying to kill me.

Some time ago I had specifically wished that the parts of me that I felt I had lost at some point, mostly related to Will and Focus, as well as in general a better centering on ‘divine will’ as a rudder you might say, various stuff, could come back to me. That’s when I met the energy I’ve called–because I’m not very romantic apparently–the “formerly winged guy.” Mid-March.

I can’t remember the context for meeting it (him) now, but at the time I think it was something like, “the parts of me I want to be manifest.” I was feeling as if some parts of me that used to have more… more discipline and determination and things like that have become… well background in my personality and I want them back.

The identity seemed to materialize as if from a fog. He had big wings!–which dissolved on him as the fog did. He was very muscular, slightly reminded me of my Aeon “Ray,” and given the coloring and muscle and just the feel of it, I felt maybe my brain was modeling it on the tech angel in a few of Luis Royo’s paintings. Not in detail, and the wings were diff. But the muscular, bald, and feel of him.

It took until early July until I finally, in the same meditation session where I met Oroln and absorbed the crystalline spike-and-sphere thing, to integrate him fully. I haven’t noticed anything specific, though.

Modern Shalott by John Stephens

Copyright to John Stephens
Modern Shalott
see johnstephens.com

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Totally separately: I’ve decided to put Bewilderness on Amazon “Kindle.” It’s been free online since early to mid 1996. I’ve updated it somewhat, some things left out of Chapter 3, and rewritten the last section to be vastly better than it was. It’s book length so it is a lot of work to reformat and so on.

I’ve also put together a collection of dreams with a title that I had wanted to do many years ago and thought I would just go ahead and do it. I didn’t flesh them out as short stories, part of the point of the book concept is that they are dreams, not fiction.  Need to figure out more content for that one as I lost the whole Bewilderness ‘book II’ file that I had for years, sadly, which included several of them.

This is not because I expect to ever, if I have 15 years for it, make more than a lunch worth of money if that. It’s simply that I feel like I’ve needed to do this for a long time, and I feel like it’s part of getting that energy “moving and flowing” in my life, so perhaps I will be able to continue with more of fiction (both these are non-fiction) if I start somewhere and get it moving.

As a happy not-quite-accident, thanks to Google’s new search option to “find images like this one,” I finally found the artist I’ve been hoping to find for about 12 years now, who created this image at right. His name is John Stephens.  Check out some of the art on his website johnstephens.com — this stuff is just divinely beautiful, I totally love it. I pleaded with him to consider letting me using the image here for the book of dreams. I am not too hopeful I admit, since I don’t have much money to offer, but I suppose it doesn’t hurt to ask. I was delighted just to find him and be able to tell him how awesome the picture is though.

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Having re-read Bewilderness in detail, I found it interesting the side-effects reading had. Since the time of that case study, I’ve had a whole lot of memories that I think relate to what was going on with me in that era. I’ve mentioned what I call alter-psychology, which is part of what I suspect was a genuine, intentionally created multiple personality disorder, possibly a side effect of something I might have become involved in due to my involvement with hypnosis and people in that field. Although some of the details happened to be in the account, such as ‘coming to’ elsewhere and even in another city, or regularly leaving work and reaching home, which was 10-15 max minutes away, 3-4 hours later, most of the memories and later experiences weren’t in that time period, so are not included.

There is actually quite a bit of ‘synchronicity’ of sorts which is, curiously, more support for the mind-control hypothesis than most people I’ve heard with such theories have. I don’t believe that most of my experiences during that era relate to that, just to be clear. I simply think that some kind of experience-set with a separate and less ‘natural’ source happened to be going on with me in the same general timeframe as well. I don’t complain, since no matter how disturbing some of the ‘memories’ are (to say the least), I actually assume I would have volunteered for any such experimental program, and while it might have been misrepresented and a poor decision, still, it doesn’t seem fair to have any kind of grudge about something I know I would have done willingly on my own to be honest. So when I talk about this, it’s not with the hyper-paranoia that others I observe seem to have.

I did spend many years with a secret terror that someday my prints would be found related to a murder scene(s) or something, and watching movies like “The Long Kiss Goodnight” cause major psychological reaction in me somehow — and yet when I am thinking and feeling a lot related to this, I feel immensely drawn to such, as if it’s a splinter some part of me desperately wants to dig out — but for the most part I think I have some calm sense of it now, not the degree of fear I used to have.

Over the last 15 years or so, particularly when many of these ‘memories’ started hitting me during RV sessions, when I knew it had nothing to do with the target and was a buried memory that some part of my “opening up” was spontaneously showing me, I’ve developed a sense of another major “aspect of me,” in the psychology not spirituality sense although they overlap I assume. I’ve also remembered a lot of seemingly little things which all wrap into the nearly textbook set of circumstance.

Well, re-reading it made me consider several things from that era. I don’t mean like experiences in this case, I mean just normal things that I never thought about “in the context of” this particular set of stuff.  Like stuff related to my apartment and two of my neighbors for example. It might be nothing. But at this point, the alter-psychology has become so pronounced over the years, that I’ve come to consider it a reality all its own. At this point it doesn’t matter if I accidentally-made-it-up in some offbeat fashion, because it clearly is real inside me either way. Since I like to feel sane, I often tell myself it’s probably just some psychological projection and I should simply validate this since my mind is kind enough to give me a symbolic tool to work with, and not worry about the detail.

A previous med found a sort of “hole in me” like a tunnel that had a bunch of people I perceived as “fragments” hiding in there in the dark, and one major one, not just a fragment, who is the alter personality in question. So at this point, perhaps because I feel that a lot of my “self-discipline, will, focus, etc.” seemed to be kind of “siphoned-off” into that personality during that era, it’s showing up in my so-called meditation work as well.

All of this is a sort of review-update because this came up again in one of the meds below.

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10:24 CDT 01AUG2012 IG Med

I imagined anchoring between earth’s core and galactic core, with a ‘superstring of me’ running between them, and imagining myself getting ever-more cohesively laser-sharp ultra-dense as if i got closer and closer to fitting the true shake of me within divine will.

“I’ll do whatever you say, IG” I offered. “I understand now that it doesn’t have to be about you surprising me with an object, identity or environ, that we can do anything at all.”  What I meant was, I get now that sometimes it’s not even about her doing something I interact with, but just, me doing whatever she asks.

“Put your head down,” she says. I drop my head as if in a low bow, down to my chest.

She reaches over the top of my head, reaches into the back of my neck, a little higher like maybe the brainstem, and slowly pulls out this solid cylinder of what seems like a mineral or some pure energy. It’s about five inches long and about half an inch diameter.

“Put it between your hands,” she says, and gives it to me. I end up with it between my palms, like a prayer. She puts her hands around mine, for awhile, and then I understand it has changed. Now it is ‘growing’ organic things like ‘buds’ all over it. As if it is sort of splitting open the shape all over, and it grows some. I bow my head again and she takes it — now about an inch in diameter — and slides it back into the back of my neck.

I kept getting lost, wanting to sleep, so I paused to write this down and wake up a little more. Apparently I fell asleep. dammit. Woke up at 5:30am.  I tried to meditate again. I saw a whole paragraph written in bright red light, as if it were very important I read it. I started to, but I was having trouble — and then I fell asleep. Gaaah.

*

03AUG2012 evening

A gradient of light blue like light and water was there, a little similar to some art I’d been looking at earlier, and I let myself be surrounded by it, and just breathed and relaxed.

After awhile I realized I was ‘seeing’ something, a little front and left.It was this opening in something, like a hole and then stuffed way down not just into the hole but into whatever it was dug out of, was this metal cylinder. I could feel it had a good sized cap and the metal was very thick. I could also feel that it was really ‘anchored’ there, and I couldn’t just pull it out. So I thought well, maybe I’ll just open it instead, and leave it there.

… and the portrait took the energy unto itself. I was like revisiting a ‘concept’ from the story and fairly-modern movie of ‘Dorian Grey’. And the energy was in the portrait — I re-lived seeing the horrible creature it became, and it was reaching out for him, and he was keeping the woman out of the room to protect her from it.

Geez, I don’t know why I’m suddenly daydreaming that, I say to IG. Sorry. I — wait…. Ohhhh that’s a memory-clip that is a message. OK hang on… ohhhh. So that… that thing. That thing ’embedded and buried in’ is a negative energy. It “contains” negative energy in some fashion, “displaced” from the person, like that energy is gathered up and focused in this. I have been… protected from it or from the knowledge of it. OK then.

I realized that for years I’d gotten memory-clips of various kinds during these meds, and it wasn’t until a few years ago I understood these were relevant information, not just suddenly getting lost in an idea or memory I hadn’t thought of in years if not decades. But this is the first time I really thought about, “How does that brief memory-clip I got, relate as an analogy to what I was just doing in the meditation?” It seemed like some important insight to see this connection, some likely upgrade to my ability to do these well.

I put my physical hands out, palms down over it, and sent energy to begin both causing the material it was ‘stuck into’ to kind of shrink away from it a little, and heal slightly if it were doing any harm, and to cause the cylinder to shrink just a little, so I’d be able to pull it out. Major “rushing” all over my body. So that was the right thing to do.

I put the cylinder on a light-table in stasis temporarily and turned back to the … thing it was buried in, which actually felt like some part of my body at that point, so I ‘wove’ the DNA-map into ‘growing-flesh’ and finally closed up that deep tubular-shaped hole, until it was healed. Some rushing on that, not a lot.

But I couldn’t help notice that it was essentially the same ‘shape and concept’ I’d had in the fairly recent med where I found the aspects and ‘Amanda.’ I left her with Nero and Bolehren and haven’t done any conscious work on that topic yet.

I turned to the stasis table, and I understood that the thick metal casing of this, it was more than just metal, it was somewhere between that and hardened steel, but not fully the latter. I once had a med with the latter and I couldn’t get through it, I had to call in a couple of full deities to do it.

I put my palms out, pulled the attention of the 3rd into me, asked for Nero to join me, and then imagined a great “emotional impelling” to “dissolve” the metal entirely, leaving whatever was inside it. It took several breaths, and I got a lot of rushing during that. So, that was a good sign. It was going fine.

Then I had ‘stuff’ left that had been inside it. It seemed a little yucky, there were motes of bright that I liked, but also blobs and weirdness.

Me: Is this energy… me?

3rd: Basically, most of it, yes.

This time I put my palms out and sent a lot of emotional-impelled energy from my heart and palms, carried in bright-violet light, to transmute it, clean it totally, not to get rid of it but to make it good and pure.

I feel an emotion of authority in me, of being the boss/dominant, of having the ‘righteous’ role of commanding this. Got some rushing from this too. I loved that, it is exactly the feeling I used to have a lot of, and now seldom do, and some of the very energy which I’ve asked to have back and which the formerly-winged-guy was in part, I thought, bringing into me.

Then suddenly I grabbed it all and ‘sucked it into’ my solar plexus chakra, very abruptly (surprised me with the speed, which usually means one of the 4 is helping).

I had some more overlays on alter-psychology during this, although when it was done, I felt it was a direct approach to the energy I’d been talking to IG about earlier, either the slow-suicide energy or the avoids-IG-work energy or both (really, maybe those are more the same thing, and even more tied to the alter stuff, than I realize).

*

I wrote the above down then returned to focus. Relaxed and was able to still my mind. Enya’s Shepherd Moons was on at lowest-volume in headphones.

IG tells me, not really in words, to put my right arm up in the air, and then bring it down hard, like against my lap which is mostly under a pillow. I do this, but it slows and really just barely touches my lap. That isn’t good enough apparently. She wants it to be HARD like almost an angry thing where my right arm “slams down into” something. So I do that. It’s still kind of pathetic but she seems to think that’s ok finally. I realize that aside from little things like ‘bow your head’ and ‘stretch’, this is the first time I’ve had her tell me to do something physically.

IG gives me something that looks slightly like the thing I just worked with, except bigger, fatter and longer, and something diff about each end I can’t see well. I have the overwhelming ‘impression’ that this is something akin to a ‘tool’ that ‘forced’ that thing ‘into’ me. I relax a little, and “let it become” in my hand with my inner-eyes closed, and then look again.

It’s a little larger now, and it looks like something I recognize but my brain is literally out to lunch, like it just “cut out” and so I have to just ‘hold it’ waiting for my mind to ‘cycle around to me again’ so I can grab it and connect what I’m holding to some kind of intelligent thought. It takes me a minute to get that and realize what it is.

It’s a big hypodermic needle, a metal syringe like the kind dentists use (here).  I suddenly feel  nauseated, physically.

And then I forget what I’m doing. Who I am, what’s going on, or what it is. I mean my mind completely blanked. It takes me about 10 seconds of very intent “wanting” at gut-level, no mind to help much just pure emotion, to bring back the focus again and remember what the hell I’m doing.

I then recall that much of my alter-symbolism has dental associations (specifically needle/drugs using those tools/symbols), so I figure this represents whatever energy I perceive as invasive or causing-the-invasive, since there is a sort of “overlay” as if this-thing is what “pushed that other metal container-thing into me.”

I put it on a light table in front of me and think about it briefly. I feel rather peeved actually. Like this is something that has and had no right to me, and I’m going to deal with this. But looking at it, it didn’t seem like that was ‘enough.’ It felt… inappropriately disconnected. Like with an RV target, my friend I trust as expert in these things says the brain will not give you things with no context whatever, it will invent one if needed. So for example you won’t just see an astronaut floating in space, you’ll also see the tethered chair or the space shuttle or station or whatever, because your brain knows that people do not float about in space like that. (When I say ‘see’ I mean ‘sense’ of course–how things come through is different for everyone and in every session, often.) You probably won’t just see someone working on a WWII plane during that era, you’ll likely get some of the war, because that is built-into the nature of the target itself, it is part of its creation, its reason for existence. Well, in a similar way, it seems to me that this thing is “out of context” — that there is a lot of energy connected to this, which is not on the table, and I feel it should be.

So I imagine pulling any energy that goes from the ‘holding/using/intent’ behind the big metal syringe, and following it out to whatever “intent” was part of it, and I don’t know if that is “my imagination” or “other people” or what for sure, at least I don’t have real proof, but I figure it doesn’t matter — like an RV target, my intent should be able to find the energy. I focus on bringing that energy in a blob to the table also, and it comes. Then I imagine following the other conceptual direction, from the needle part, and pulling out the energy of experience directly related to that (you know, like the few seconds of pain from the shot or whatever), and putting that there.

I get a major headache in my eyes. I decide the headache, like the nausea prior, is simply a sign that I really need to do this, so I keep on.

I imagine taking any “fear” that I have connected with this, and sending it to the table, and a TON of stuff flows out of me and piles up there, and I get a lot of rushing during this. So, that was a good thing, and I know I’m on the right track here.

I look at it all on the table. I feel… merciless. Like I am recognizing some completely inexcusable problem and it is not ‘of’ me and will not be allowed to be of me. I put an impenetrable clear sphere around all of the energy, and I call Tek and create a technology that is going to utterly dissolve everything inside that sphere, completely and rather violently. I flip the switch and watch it vanish over a few seconds. Then I flip the switch off, run energy through the sphere to be sure it’s all gone, and then vanish the sphere.

I feel a strong sense of determination and will — something I haven’t had in eons and which the integration of the formerly-winged-guy was allegedly part of helping me absorb I think (that and other things). I imagined I was intensely pulling all the ‘extra chaotic energy and fragments and separated parts of self’ into me and that I was an intensely cohesive energy along the superstring-of-me between center of earth and center of galaxy, and I had a lot of feelings about how I AM now taking my power and I am in conscious control of this now, and things like that.

I not only got major rushing, and breathing hard, but I got so much of it that by the time I was done, I opened my eyes and I was literally dizzy.

*

I wrote that down and returned to IG.

I remembered nothing else and this morning couldn’t recall what I’d been doing when I passed out. I was sure I’d worked with IG on something else, but I didn’t know what. But as I was writing the experiences above into my blog, I remembered this piece, and that piece, and I was able to get some of it:

 

There is a triangle of soft-rubbery-stretchy light-color fabric, perhaps two triangles. I can’t see it very clearly so I know I have some lack of integration. I run the elements on us, and I get a major “slice of me” all the way through the head and down the middle of the body that hardens in the light and blows away with the wind. The symbol gradually changes, as things do, and when it’s done, I look at it and — and I can’t believe it.

In over 20 years of doing this stuff, only once or twice has anything changed from an object into a person. But this is definitely the first time anything changed into an alien.

I recalled IG bringing me “Jesus” not long ago and how I completely freaked out about it. Mostly due to all the angry emotion I had from reading the Urantia Book II just before of course, but a little bit because she had never brought me anything but ‘archetypes and guides’ before. It occurs to me that a whole lot has opened up recently, changed in these meditations, and that’s just one of them.

Anyway, I stared at this guy in great distress. He wasn’t identical to the archetype on that Streiber book (someday I have to read that. I don’t think I have, still, all this time later. I detest that picture). But similar. The eyes weren’t black, and they weren’t that large, it was a bit taller than I think they’re supposed to be (although they vary).

I felt a gut-level rejection of it. Which given I had ‘improved’ the arch-symbol into that, is unusual. Then I realized where I had seen that kind of ‘fabric’ before: it defined the ‘walls’ of the place where the bugs-blondes-fragile are, one experience of which I described in Chapter 4 of Bewilderness.

My stomach hurts. I mean really hurts like it does when I’m in really major stress. On the bright side the nausea and eyes-headache are gone.

There is a whole section I cannot remember here though I’ve really tried. I only recall that later I was given some other ‘alien’ and saw it more clearly than the first. The head was different, as were the eyes–though still too large–and I was thinking during the meditation that although I had no conscious memory of ever meeting such a creature, that at that moment, I recognized that it was actually pretty familiar to me. Unfortunately I can’t remember anything after that, either.

I’m not really sure if these represent aliens, entities, someone dressed up like an alien during a hypnosis session — and honestly, I consider all three of these equal hypothesis, and perhaps ALL with some validity — or what. I guess as far as “symbol” goes it doesn’t matter so much.

I passed out abruptly, apparently maxxed out on energy I wasn’t able or willing to consciously deal with. I was awake, I was working to hold up my hand or arm to force myself to stay fully alert in fact, but I guess I just swooned. Unfortunately I still can’t remember, if I dreamed or whatever.

*

Somewhere in all that above I used Sierpienta, the thoughtform-sword, for something, but now I cannot recall what or where.

It occurs to me that there has been a fairly massive shift in my work with IG. And I have the feeling that really this is only the beginning. It’s a good thing, of course. But it’s a lot like the “boundaries of my self-protection” have come down, and that includes everything from psychology to spirituality to my body to my sense of reality. I think it’s a huge advance in my ability to do this stuff.

I am intending to do more work with IG throughout today.

P