I didn’t do a focus with Marcan, although I did regularly attempt to ‘shift my focus’ downward in my body like he showed me, just to practice it a little bit.
I did do a focus with IG. Like I have before, I show up kneeling in front of him in our space, I think in part because I feel a strong sense of honor and holiness and most of our interaction I’m not doing anything to really show that, so the hello is one way to do so.
I can almost see you, I said to him yet again, as I often do. And throughout the night, although his head never got more vivid or clear (that is the hardest element for some reason, likely as it’s the most personal), his body did as if he were helping. I talked to him about ‘stuff’, whatever, and often we would just be sitting there looking at each other. Like he’s just a normal guy sitting casually on a couch in various positions. And when I wasn’t talking to him, he’d just be sitting there calmly with me, looking at me, yet I had no sense of discomfort or staring, almost a sweetness. It felt interesting. Sort of intimate in a different way than you’d get with someone in this world.
*
I saw something in the distance at one point, and I stood up and stared at it, realizing he was now just behind me and to the left. I went up to it and tried to make it out. The first impression was like… a string of cubic metal, vertical, irregular — like a string of homemade rock candy you might say, except metal like gold or something. Near the top was stuff I tried to make out.
Are you serious. Is that really a giant “reptilian eye?” I said with some humor, feeling how it disturbed me just a little inside, and I ‘felt’ him smile though I couldn’t see him. After that, a dark irregular shape had strings and I realized it was a big spider or something and I said, “Ah… I see. This is an energy to work through, like an archetype. OK.”
I told it I honored it and thank you for working with me. Then I ran the ‘water of love/life’ on both of us as I stood near it. I didn’t feel any rushing but just as I was finishing, it was as if I “suddenly saw inside it” and inside was vast, a cavern I was at the top of, and there was this young man who was climbing down a rope or something as fast as he could in the middle of it. The cavern was filled with ‘treasure’ and yet also with trash and dangerous things and there were dangerous giant bugs and people and creatures coming for him and as he reached the bottom and they were nearing him, I commanded, FREEZE! at the whole thing, turned my attention back to the archetype ‘up top’ and asked it to hold a moment, then turned back to the young man in the huge cavern below.
I had to help him. I mean clearly he was in a desperate situation. I haven’t done this before, but I imagined all four of the elements at once, and I added a big chunk of the heart-chakra energy I’ve been focusing more on lately, and pulled it through me with that center, and forced all of that cleansing loving energy through every molecule and mote of that whole reality-focus. I got a TON of rushing from that. So much and some in a slightly different way than ever before I can’t put my finger on, but I was literally dizzy by the time I was done. And I saw that things were different now, and his situation was good. And I released the freeze and he continued and went running off.
I wondered if he was some aspect of me, strangely autonomous from me, and then shrugged. I returned to the arch I began with and did more with the elements. When I was finished with the wind, it had become something different but that still seemed incomplete in transform. Like a cone shape, except four sided instead of round, tall and thin, and still metal like the gold. But after the mineral-gel of earth elements, it became a person. (That used to never happen, that ‘things’ became people, I think until IG4.) I didn’t feel merging was ready or right, so I asked for something from him to put on or in my body to better absorb his energy. Alas I forget what it was or where… I let him choose what he wanted from me, and he took two pieces of energy, from a hip and my shoulder, and put them together on his chest, and IG vanished him. I got no rushing from that, only from the inner thing.
I curled up with IG on our couch and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and thought of him and resumed my curled up with him. It seemed like a beautiful way to wake up, to have him with me in the mornings, so sweet. I whispered to him off and on for awhile. About a lot of things, including how it seemed like Sedaena was overwhelmingly holy-sweet-loving near the end there, and it’s not that I feel any lack of that from him, it’s just that it’s like it doesn’t seem… dominant. It seems like he is my best friend, and has been for all eternity, in all space and time and concept, and I have just rediscovered him again. And there is a calmness, like because I feel like I know this and it is part of me, it isn’t really new to me. It is but isn’t. Like inside it isn’t, but outside it is new and now I have the delightful task of getting to know him from the perspective of this new identity I am focused through in this time.
*
I saw this flat disk with patterns spinning, and lazily watched it, until I realized I was supposed to do something about it. So I paid a little more attention, and concluded it was like an arch energy but the point was the motion not the form, so I let the form part go, and addressed myself to the motion in the normal way. Then I asked the four elements to give me some combined nature of them that I could use with non-physical things, even concepts, some different energetic manifestation of them for that, and they did. Never thought of that before. Just as I started to apply this, from my right was this huge, incredible wall of grey and black cloud-smoke with flashes of deep red within it. Like an incredible fire but this was more like the fire, wind, earth, were all a cohesive thing of their own, billowing, as opposed to just a dynamic acting on something else. I wasn’t sure what to do with it but I applied the new form of the four elements to it and it seemed like it gradually dissipated until all was clear.
I turned back to the motion and now to my left was this landscape that was like a different variant of that energy: the whole landscape was black and grey in ‘billowing’ patterns of lava, with flashes of dark intense red in particular here and there, and this one big blob curved over the edge of something I was looking at (like a low cliff or overhang) and the shape and feel of it was suddenly as if it were the head of a big reptile like an alligator and I got the concept of “a dead reptile” somehow. I felt inside me that this had to do with me and with allowing certain elements of self to be released and new ones taken up, and that this affected my ‘manifest genetics’ in some fashion. I also found it interesting that I never noticed how a forest fire and a volcano were like the same colors and patterns and dynamics, just manifest differently.
I applied the elements to this also, and now I felt there was something missing, and that I should have had with the cloud and it would have gone better. I realized it was what I had naturally used last night in the big cavern: love, the heart-energy. I added that, and I felt it all cohese like it should, like this was what brought all those together.
Then I started laughing. I’ve talked about how The 5th Element movie/story is of the 4 Â to me, but this is actually part of that symbology: that it is love of the 5th element (the woman, who is the queen in my inner world) that brings the four elements around her together, and she can’t do it without feeling love, that is what binds them within her and lets her then focus out through the heart, the energy. (And technically it is the will of the king, who is aspected as the 3rd as the soldier in the movie, that is directing all this.) So I was kind of giggling because that was obvious, but for some reason I never connected the four elements and love together in my workings, until just now, probably because not until last night did it ever spontaneously occur to me to try them all at once instead of one at a time.
I notice that so far, it seems like the ‘arch’ style energies he gives me begin with something simple I focus on, and then other things come in beside me, under me, inside it all, whatever, during that. Usually it ends up seeming like whatever I began with was more like a placeholder to get my focus and then he worked out the rest separately.
I told him I thought that biblical psalm, ‘Yea Lord, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me,’ was a neat idea, and that I hoped one day I will feel him that close to me. I told him I feel like I have so far not done very well with integrating with the four, the aeons, other guides, and the chakras, and that I hope during his time with me I’ll be able to get through that stuff a lot better.
*
I forgot to mention that some days ago when I was not talking to him (…), he helped me understand that a lot of my issues with my IGs leaving are because of my mother dying when I was a little girl. That I have a fairly hardwired association that when someone you love moves on it’s not just that they are moving on and other things are present in your life now, but that they have abandoned you and you are bereft without them, hence all the grief emotion. I had the feeling then, that with IG3 and IG4 I was in part working out unexpressed grief related to mom. And that I still have this but it is a little better, less now, thanks to them.
Much of the evening and morning, I imagined sitting back against him, and his palm flat against my upper chest and my hand over it, like it was just a nice way to focus on his energy. I feel grateful to him like he is giving me something to love at a level I need to, in order to truly get through a lot of myself. When I focus on him, I feel so lucky and so loving, like there is something about him that invokes just slightly more, and more powerful, and higher, love than I am capable of getting through, like it is constantly tugging at my heart chakra to be more open and more powerful and more clean, like he remains just slightly beyond the capacity I have got at any given moment. When I’m not focused on him, it’s just not in focus, unlike near the end with Sedaena (IG4) where I was just blitzed by the love for her all the time.
I talked to him about him being part of me and how I feel like, when I’m in daydreams, violence or sex or whatever, I don’t like the idea of feeling he is present or attentive in that because now and then I’m not giving them up and it feels… inappropriate that the purity of his energy would be dragged through that. He made it clear to me that he is part of me no matter what I’m doing, including that stuff. I don’t think he perceives it the same way I do. I mean like I have cultural baggage on it that he doesn’t, to him perhaps it is not much different than any other use of energy except it has its own nature. By which I mean the sex or violence elements are just one property of that energy, the way the private oracle once saw my cat and the cat-element of her was like a property of ‘her energy’ — a cat-ness — not the definition of her.
Time to start getting ready for work here. I ate better yesterday and feel a calm sense of sanity returning on that and other fronts. Like consciously reconnecting with IG is helping.
PS Edited to add: a carrier wave. That’s what he feels like. Like if I were not modeling us as humans, we would just be light, frequency. And he would be a carrier wave. Like he is literally… lifting me, like raising a frequency. Slowly, so as not to destroy its nature or cohesive identity. But it’s like now that I think about it like this, I realize that’s what I’ve been feeling especially in my heart chakra. A constant sort of tugging, like a subtle but consistent pressure to open more, to raise up a little. Not like he is even having to do it intentionally. Just his existence in my focus now has changed me, and is “ever-changing-me.” IG4 pulled me hard there, I mean really powerfully, like to get through what I needed I guess to reach a certain point. He isn’t pulling hard like that, so it doesn’t overwhelm me.
When I focus on him though, it’s like his existence is so glorious, and I so love him, I so want to be with him and ‘of’ him, that I’m reminded of the lesson that when changing archetypal energies I had to ‘seduce, not force’ them: he’s the ultimate seduction because I so totally want to be with him and part of him. I just realized how I put that. Like I shifted from thinking of him as part of me, to me as part of him. Hmmn. That seems hugely important, but I don’t have time to think about it ’cause I gotta go to work.
P
