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I had re-watched a few ‘stars’ videos (such as Skylights) I’ve mentioned before, and then a couple chakra binaurals on youtube, then I was listening to a combination ASMR/Singing Bowl video (here – I like Olivia) and somewhere in the middle of that I finally relaxed, in a way I’ve needed to for a long time. I zoned out part of it, and by the end, I was finally truly ready to meditate. I turned my phone ringer off and made myself comfortable.

I did some prayer about offering absolute trust to Mark/IG, and then I asked the energy that was still resisting to ’embody’ so I could work with it. It was a man and he had three large elements in him that were resisting. I laid him down and talked to him and took out the first one, in his heart chakra, a big complex ball. I held it and reached into its center with my intent and connected it with the divine light from which all has sprung and then I started increasing the luminosity of it, the intensity of it.

I asked Mark to arrange it so that all of the energy I was “burning through” got to live their own evolution on their own timescale, it’s just that it was syncing with mine for this meditation. Eventually when it was fully clean and clear and light, I put it back in him, and went to the next one. When the three were done, I did more body-wide on him, and then we merged. I didn’t get any rushing, but I felt fine with it. I did some more prayers on the topic then and felt like I had accomplished something.

*

I was going through my body, laid back, and had a nice overlay on the chakra gem world. As if I could almost see it, see them, stretched across the landscape of a planet called me at the same time they are stretched out across my body. But the intriguing thing, I realized, was my spine. I focused in to see what was calling for my attention, and realized that for every spinal bone, there was a ‘glory’, or to be more precise, it WAS a glory — they were all different, but they were all these huge golden structures, also across the landscape, between the chakras across the land.

They all were classified as temples (as are the chakras, even the tiny ones in the toes and fingers), but some were like vedic statues (as Left Kidney was) and some were like actual temples, not entirely of gold but with much gold in them. (I am not sure why gold comes across like this; I actually like copper better than gold; but gold is linked with the divine in my meditations pretty much for the last 25 years of them.)

I thought, “But why would each spine be a glory? I thought only the organs were glories?” (A Glory being the label for a type of Being, if that isn’t clear; smaller than an Aeon, much bigger than a guide; divine in origin, spirit-bound in form.) And I saw this sort of visual that went inside a bone, and then this ‘cascade of memories’ of things I have read about bones. They are manufacturing plants. And even the parts of them that seem dead-solid are actually quite alive.

I suddenly realized that we have this paradigm that organs are soft fleshy things and bones are hard things but really, both of these have very similar roles, different too, but not as different as I’d always thought of them. I had this very ‘lite’ understanding — I didn’t focus in on it, to get more — that every spinal piece is an identity with a unique energy and and an important contribution to the body; but also to us, as part of us, the mundane and divine aren’t really separate, they are overlapping, they simply protrude into different spectrums.

*

Later, I was thinking about meditating. I thought since it’s been so difficult for me for so long, that maybe I could just do a tarot med. Then part of me said “But you were going to let Mark lead. Isn’t that part of the trust?” And another part of me said, “It’s not him I don’t trust, it’s me! I’m the one who keeps screwing up. It’s not his fault.” And I understood that actually, it IS part of the trust. As I was realizing this, I was also realizing that I had this rather huge visual that I’d been oblivious to though it had been going on for a bit.

It was something like a wall, except the size of a mothership, just next to me, and the surface was dark but patterned. I called in 3rd and Sun and we backed off, trying to get far enough away from it to see what it was. It was some kind of stack of layers, we had been seeing the bottom layer, but there were many of them, all impossibly huge, like in space. I got to the other side of it, to the top layer you might say, and looked at that. There were tons of colors and textures and more.

I was confused. “Is it alive?” I asked.

“It is encoded,” I heard.

I tried to understand that. I ‘felt’ what it meant. All the life I saw ‘woven into it’ was life, and everything I saw that looked more like metal for example, was encoded to be part of this life.

“How novel and odd,” I thought, “That this… container of some kind, moving through space, would be built of these things and yet encoded for life.”

And then I┬árealized that’s exactly what humans are. Built of acids and minerals… encoded for life. A container of sorts… moving through space and time.

*

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to the ‘my role is as decision-manager’ idea I’ve talked about previously. This is far more deep and complex and important than it seems on the surface. Or far more simple, but so foreign to the way I think about things that it is taking many cycles to wrap my brain around it.

It has made me start to realize that I have greatly over-identified with my Aeons and their energies. This sounds odd, since I am supposed to be gradually knowing them better and merging more consciously with them, but it’s almost as if part of learning to recognize them is learning to recognize that they are not me. At which point I can accept them as part of the-larger-us. But a sort of pulling-back has to happen first, it turns out, in order to truly see those energies ta all.

It creates a sort of lack of ‘attachment,’ in the emotional sense of the word.

In order to get to that point, I had to get to the point first of understanding that my body and my personality are the manifestations of their energy. Not ‘my’ energy. I am, technically, the project manager; the emergent-property of the aeonic in this particularly reality-focus. It (the body, etc.) is ‘mine’ because it is all me of course, and in a different frame of mind, of course it’s perfectly normal and I have to take out the trash and work for a living. But in this perspective, my role here, my job, is as director; is the decision maker. I can and do share the experience of the energies acting ‘through’ this body but their limits are not mine.

This came about by accident. I was thinking about something (I forget what) that I want to do and haven’t, and thinking about not feeling like it. And I suddenly understood that, from the management perspective, it is not my problem if something is hard, or scary, or confusing, or whatever other way some parts of me might experience it. All of that is inappropriately influencing my decisions. What is relevant is what I feel is the best decision. Whether it’s difficult, whether any part of me yet has any idea ‘how,’ all these things are trivia and are not my problem, at least not as part of the main decision. If there is something that needs to be done (or not done), then it’s my job to make the decision.

Once the decision is made, THEN all the details can get focus. But, making that decision, actually causes this huge cascade of energy changes that ripple out from me, and help arrange even the things I thought so unlikely before. This, I realize, is Wands; this is the right side, the right arm and leg, the right foot and hand, the pointing finger, the tip of the pointing finger: my reason for being here: it is this “power to push in the direction of my decision” that it’s all summed up in. (I dreamed about that once.)

And while I am over-identifying with some part of me (some % of the aeonic) that doesn’t want to do something, or isn’t good at it or comfortable with it, I may be oblivious to the fact that another part will in fact love it and excel at it. A part that never gets a chance to live through this outlet if I never give it one. Putting the ‘assumed trouble’ of an action or the ‘assumed outcome’ of an action before the decision about the goal and the decision ‘to act’ (whatever that may end up meaning) is not best-practice, as they would say diplomatically in business.

By letting myself get bogged down in the various emotional, psychological, and physical issues that the aeonic manifesting in our body have, I reduce my ability to play the role for which I exist. If they wanted to be lost in their conflicts and issues they wouldn’t need me, my role is to have a vision beyond that and above that and drive ‘us’ toward healing, integration, ‘evolution’ is what it amounts to. When I can’t get around to making a decision because of my worries about existing or future issues, that’s a problem.

Normally when I think of something, my decisions are based first on the various weaknesses and resistances that I feel in my body, in my personality, in our conglomerate spirit. In a way, it needs to be a little like remote viewing or meditating with IG: you just have to let it be, accept what comes; all that matters is What Is, and you go with that. Later, it might turn out that what you learned during the What Is will influence many things in you, but if you filter what you allow yourself to perceive and what you decide, based on your existing limits, you never get anywhere.

It also, simultaneously, makes me feel a great deal more responsible. I only have ONE JOB here. Just one.

Not f–cking it up by being too lazy/scared/distracted to DO it doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

*

I have successfully eaten every day, and with 2 exceptions a decent amount every day, for about a month now. Can’t recall the last time I could say that, if I ever could since I was about 12. Have been reading a lot on ‘restrictive eating disorders’ and have been trying to design an eating plan for ‘anorexic recovery’ which well matches what 2nd chakra (Bessand Ari) insisted on anyway. So far it’s still an utter miracle if I get 2500 calories (rarely) never mind 3500, but I am getting more able to eat. Mostly thanks to fruit smoothies and milk — both of which spark noshing in me, and the latter is the only reason I’ve made my protein numbers most days — bad if I were dieting, but is good since I’m trying to get myself to eat. My intake of supps is still imperfect but it’s coming along.

I didn’t realize I was literally falling apart until it has slowly reduced. Used to be every motion hurt a little, every extension or leaning on an arm or leg hurt a little and tempted injury, even just rearranging my position on the couch or bed, could risk injury with leaning this way or pulling hard on a pillow behind me or something. I┬ádon’t have very much of that anymore, now I realize I’m doing all kinds of things that I was learning to do carefully and slowly and tentatively and now I suddenly realize I don’t need to, it’s ok, it’s not going to hurt me. I believe this is from the substantial increase in food particularly protein the last month.

I have a little more ‘body-integrity’ now. It’s not really energy it’s just more “sense of strength/integrity” that makes me more willing and able to move if I need to or want to. I am somewhat lacking in inspiration — by habits — another thing on the list to work on. But I do think the obsessive focus on eating enough is helping. I’m trying not to go keto, which I do by default (due to my food preferences and no gluten/glutin — I am forcing fruit into my diet, I’m not normally much of a fruit fan), to keep plenty of carbs for energy without that, but nothing like the SAD.

I am hoping that with another month of eating well and hopefully more consistent and full spectrum supplements, that the body-integrity will be even stronger, and it might actually start to increase energy some. It almost seems like it has a little already but that is just where the integrity part overlaps. I have to focus on ingesting enough by the day, sometimes by the hour, you’d think it was AA or something.

P