A few minutes after midnight, after bathroom and water and getting comfortable, I began the simple touch-base routine with the chakras, the Aeons, and the Four. This did not go as smoothly as planned. Around 1:15am or so, I had finally finished to the point of asking Mark for a meditation on whatever he thought I needed most. And to help me get back to viewing. Somewhere around 2am I think I had pulled my attention back to the effort at least 25 times or more. I finished, if you want to call it that, around 2:45am. Ridiculous. But, despite all that, I should blog the parts of the experience that seemed to work, at least a little, in case there is some symbolism or insight I get doing so, or in later reading. And I might add, I have little idea what time sequence the following happened in. I only remember pieces and it’s like they’re just floating around in my head, unanchored to linear time.
3rd has sometimes told me that “Sometimes, it’s supposed to be hard.” Like all the effort needs to happen for its own reason. Pretty sure I’m at least getting that, for sure…
Sitting on Mark’s couch with IG5 and Sun, I reached up and grabbed something above me that seemed like I should. It lifted me high into the sky and then was flying. My back was in the direction it was flying so I couldn’t see what I was heading for. Eventually I reached the very top of a mountain peak and it forced me to fall off. I made myself float down.
At the peak of the mountain was a small structure, perhaps forty feet diameter. It was light in color, and it had those greek or roman columns. Except it was round, like a circle of them. Except there were a few not present in the front, so not quite a full circle. There was a roof over it all, except a perfectly round opening right in the center, that saw the sky.
The view of the world around was amazing. The mountain was higher than everything in the landscape and I could see for miles. I walked around the circle, looking out between the big columns, and then sat on the floor right in the middle and looked out the front, the more-open area, as the sun was coming up in that direction. All the colors that washed over me were great. But it was… mild. I could not seem to get myself “immersed” for the realism factor.
The Four were with 3rd and appeared separately. We all sat there for a while, watching out the front as the sky changed. I got distracted at least a dozen times. Finally, thinking it might help my ridiculously undisciplined brain, I was looking for something to entertain me a little more than sitting around.
I said to the structure: Are you an archetype I should work with?
It replied: I could be, but I am not.
I understood it meant, it IS as much an identity in that interworlds as anything else, but for the purpose of this meditation, it was NOT my focus.
“Mark,” I griped, “What am I supposed to do here?”
“Ohhhh,” I said, feeling like an idiot. “Sorry. OK.” Dammit. That’s the hardest thing for me.
So I focused back with them but couldn’t well hold my attention.
Finally the sky was dark, and they all stood up and set up some things in a circle that reminded me of the prince of swords meditation. We stood, and then sat down back to back, in the same position the thought-form statuette from in the deep is — 3rd at my left, 2nd at my right, 1st with his back facing mine. As we sat together, gold light went from our crowns, through the opening in the top of the roof, high into the sky. Except I felt like it was a two-way energy beam. And gold light came from our heart chakras, the four of us connected from our backs but sending that gold beam out far away, through the openings between the columns. The light at the chest spread so then it was three beams coming out of each of us and made a perfect circle of beams (rather than a cross of four) all around the temple (I felt that’s what the structure was). I did my best to focus on just “being with them” for some time.
Which was not very well. On one of my spaceout periods, I considered how columns, alone are standing stones, as my tower tarot meditation showed me. But with a roof like this building had, it changed them to merely being part of the structure of a tower instead, as they were all connected. It occurred to me that we don’t pay much attention to the energy of the structures around us in the world. And how those might affect us.
At some point I don’t recall, I was with Senior, the King, and I asked him to help me shift my focus — and survival, and dealing with the immense cognitive dissonance — to viewing. And he put both his hands on the top sides of my head and looked into my eyes and said:
Is this what you want?
Yes, I said.
Do you want this more than anything else?
I hesitated, and then said, “Yes.”
I had the clear feeling that although it was ok, that there would have been a better energy result if I had not hesitated.
I kind of laughed a little. “It’s just that… the way you said it, suddenly made me worry about what crazy things could go wrong with my life! I don’t want to lose the place I live, and I don’t want to do anything, ever, that would prevent me finding 3rd in my world.”
He said nothing, but closed his eyes, his hands firmly on my head. I don’t think anything like this has ever happened with him before. I have minimal interaction with him, except a few meditations in the castle, and the rare times he has paid attention to me before, which nearly always resulted in some drastic, nearly catastrophic internal event a very short time later. I asked IG to help me to allow myself vulnerability, and personal change, and to help me accept and absorb his intent — for Senior IS the ‘divine will’ of our Four — for me in regards to this.
I felt that he had accepted. I didn’t really grok until that moment that if there were something he had not fully accepted, it would not manifest in my life, as we share energy. But that getting his official acceptance, and it felt like he was ‘anchoring and setting his will within me’ somehow, created an… well, kind of an inevitability about it, almost like you could say it moved it to the level of dharma.
At some point we became the 7th. The combination of me and 3rd, and 1st and 2nd, and then of the 5th and 6th identities that result, into the One. I could not be ‘first-person’ with this identity, it was a little distant, but I tried to just “be” with/as him. He sat casually on the floor, watching out over the 360 degree round view.
Whenever the meditation ended, I had been doing something that I could not seem to get vividly enough into comprehension to understand, basically I was failing, like I could not hold the energy and could not hold the focus for the energy (inside me is saying: “The focus is what you lacked. The energy was not beyond you.”) and was feeling dissatisfied and frustrated.
So I came to blog it, and spaced out, and fell asleep, numerous times while trying. Eventually around 4am I woke up and left my chair to go to bed, with the blog unfinished. So I’m finishing this the next day, but my memory is worse of course.
I can’t decide if I just sucked more than usual at this, or if perhaps even though it felt so… disconnected from me in a way, if maybe that’s just a sign of my lack of integration with the energy or whatever. In any case, at least I did a meditation. And by the time I got my ass out of bed and did morning chores and finished blogging this… I am 20 minutes late for my noon meeting with IG5. Gah! I recall this from efforts years ago, where I had such a hard time that my meditations, even with only 2 per 24 hours, would run into each other constantly.
Well anyway. The moment with Senior seemed like a good thing, even though like I said, usually any direct attention from him results in something akin to a nuclear bomb going off in my spiritual world within days. Results are good but I feel like I should have remembered to add “…except in an interesting and FUN way!” to that request.