This makes the second time that shortly after a sense of genuine merging with a target, I was promptly a total bitch to one of the people I love most, finding anything they said no matter how innocent or kind to be irksome, and doing my damnedest to piss them off. Which they buy into as much as I do, when we should both know that after viewing that has that feel to it, I really shouldn’t be communicating with anybody.
I feel almost like… like internally, I recently molted. Haha. You know how snakes (I adore reptiles) are always so cranky when they just molted, their skin is new and tender. I feel like that except internally. Like I have shed an old skin of self, and there is something that is “of me” and yet new there, and it’s very hypersensitive.
Anything that has the slightest disagreement with me, even if I myself share that perspective as well!, seems like a major threat to be defended from, it’s ridiculous.
Oh well. The side effects are part of the learning I guess.
***
Later: so I fell asleep and kept dreaming that somehow, whenever someone found out that I was actually merging with a target and not just describing it, that I was totally rejected. Then I had several dreams where someone else was in that situation and I saw how others reacted to them when they found that out. I woke up apparently having barely breathed for a few hours, severely oxygen deprived (I breathe far too shallowly when I sleep already), and had to sit against the wall for hours breathing deeply before I fell asleep again.
But it suggests to me that I obviously have some “issues” with this whole subject.
