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3/2/2013 4am Archmed w/IG.

Had been reading about kidneys and having aching from them prior. I expected this med to end up being related to my body.

I meet two guys. They’re like twins, the left more lean and talkative, the right more solid and taciturn. They’re the kidneys they tell me, whom I name LK and RK on the spot. They’re youngish with brown hair. I had the inspiration to ask ‘solar body’ (that white-light being that wears me like a suit, and that the Largers took up bond with instead of me) to “bless our communion” and got major body rushing, followed by big energy yawns. Gee maybe I should do that for all body meds.

My brain was doing more of the “this is just my imagination” BS immediately. See it took me over 20 years to finally accept that imagination was ok, it’s my subconscious talking to me and that’s all good, but it’s usually about “metaphysics” so how can it be wrong / matter, in a way? As that seems very unique and subjective anyway. But the minute something “factual” (organs of the body count) come into play, my logical mind kicks in and wants to be certain that every word they say to me is accurate and factual and that I’m “not just making it up.” I swear I’m like a child sometimes, it’s like after all this time, I never learn.

*

My brain could not stay away from work. I mean it was like an obsession. Every few seconds I’d find myself thinking about work again, it was driving me crazy and them too. I started visualizing a white light dissolving all of such thoughts inside me and then briefly visualizing a beautiful little water feature with green, like a brook in a forest or something, like an apology and refocus of sorts. It was horrible how this was constant and wouldn’t improve. This had been going on for a couple of days.

I heard someone say, “She’s stressed because they are stressed.” He meant (I knew) the kidneys. Then I had a “sponsored insight” where I understood that it’s the same thing, on different levels. That my irrational level of job-related stress and focus, that my mind was showing me, is because they are stressed. When they’re stressed, I’m stressed, and vice-versa — there is no difference because I AM my body and my body is part of my Aeons is my mind and so on. Like we’re meters for each other in a way.

That led me to wonder, does most stress indicate NOT so much, “Gee the person has something to be stressed about” but rather, that part of our body (say, the kidneys, or liver, or pancreas, or whatever) is stressed? I mean, you take a woman right after a G-spot O and she is “all is right with the world” even if the house is burning down, which suggests that when you truly and massively do a stress-vent ‘event’ that you are promptly not stressed for awhile, even though nothing in your outer reality has actually changed. (Granted other groovy brain chems surely relate. Still, the point about our level of stress vs. our reality not being too attached is the same.)

So when you meet someone and they are “uptight” does it suggest issues in their body? Could we recognize the body issues by the psyche issues?

I mean unless someone is in the middle of an ER or some other truly major stress element, just because there is time or performance pressure doesn’t mean a person has to be stressed. I’ve known plenty of people including me who can take on insanely stressful things and breeze through it, and others including me who can be in a pretty decent situation and still be stressed out ridiculously… it seems like this is more about the person (and the time) than the situation, but now I’m starting to think it’s more about the body, although they are not really separable at some level.

Seth said that nothing is secret, none of our issues or problems or whatever, that everything is actually quite open and obvious. Maybe this is one way it’s obvious.

Eons ago I studied with a man who was working on psychocartography and he talked about how diseases have personality profiles in the patients and one of his interests was to see if psychological issues would actually indicate physiological issues because they’re connected. It did seem this was likely the case although it was hard to tell if it was about body or psi. For example two people one with an internal disease-ish condition in the wrist and one that fell doing construction work and broke the same wrist, eventually (separately) came to the same conclusion about the psychology behind why this happened (even though allegedly, the latter was an accident for him, and the former — as the medical system would have us believe — fell out of the sky on her for no reason whatever).

There were visualizations he could do with a person that would tell him something about whether they were depressed or whether they were literally suicidal — because over many years of working with people (he was an MD and ran a state clinic for a long time, before I met him at a tiny private center) he’d had them do this visualization with him and their answers gave it away. I found this fascinating, and of course it was conscious archetype on the body via ‘hypnosis’ or even just conversation, without that title.

*

I did the elements with them. Got rushing with the rain. The sun/light took a long time to get ‘through’ for some reason. I included “the whole body as a sphere” (like earth) by the way, haven’t done that before. The wind blew away most everything on all of us. Got a little more sense of the minerals than usual.

I wanted to work ‘with’ them so I asked for a MAP of things we needed to work on. There were three things on the map, none near us. Two were somewhat close together but one was way over to the right. I let them choose and they chose the two together, and we decided the one at the left would represent ‘Left Kidney’ as we already felt this was the case.

It was a gigantic vedic-style statue. I referred to it as a ‘glory’ for some reason that still feels right. I called Tek in to help.

Eons had passed, you could see. Much of it had crumbled. A mountain cliff it stood just in front of had partly collapsed and crumbled also, onto it and into it. Dirt had built up to gradual soil here and there and vines were everywhere, also pulling at it and somewhat binding it.

I removed all the mountain-elements over to a right-side stasis field. Then I called for Sierpienta and asked her advice. She as the sword became ‘pure energy’ and we slashed through all the vines and bonds and I released her. I moved all the ‘botanical’ stuff to a stasis area on the left. Then I cleaned up everything else like dirt soil etc.

I had all the remaining pieces of it, even tiny shards, reassemble themselves. I put my hands on my bare legs and called my Aeons and Planets in to help. Tek said to start in the back lower right, and I saw that much of it was missing in back on the right leg and there were tiny cracks and fissures and notches out of it all over. I asked the Aeons/planets to put their hands on me, then I put my hands on the glory (and my legs) and created DNA-maps for all the missing areas no matter how tiny, then pulled energy via Crown and Kun and sent through heart and hands to have it ‘grow into itself.’ Got tons of rushing and yawning with that so I’d say it went ok. Then I put some of ‘myself’ into it (like I did when re-animating Jared one of my Aeons) and grinned at it, “You ARE a Glory!”

Got up and did some stuff before continuing.

We go to the next area and I can’t make it out for awhile. Eventually it comes into more clarity. It is shaped like a whole ‘place’ but very densely so it comes across as a ‘thing’ in a way. It’s this simply amazing tangle of structure — there are waterfalls and runways for water and little bubbling areas and little sprinkling areas and there are pools here and there that look like they are holding certain types of fluid and the whole thing gives the impression of like a fountain and waterslide “place” gone crazy, but in a very planned, precise way. I mean the complexity wasn’t a problem symbol it was just a symbol. A dense very interconnected labrinth of ‘fluid management’ it seemed like. It was a “Glory” too I felt.

I wonder if all organs feel glorious in that rather Devic-Spiritual way. Maybe organs ARE glorious. I know the few times I’ve had elements of the physical body in a remote viewing soloblind target I’ve gotten data like ‘divine technology.’ That’s how the inner biology of the body comes across to me in viewing.

So I focus in on it with Tek. Some is sort of ok. What it seems like is that this place has just not had any decent care or maintenance in many eons or something. Many of the tiny pool areas are dry and it’s clear that many of the places that ought to have flows and such are clogged. Sometimes inside or on the structure it’s like there is this build-up of something yucky like just… stuff that accrued over time. There is this whole ambience to the area it takes up, like when a small kid’s amusement park has closed down and kind of been forgotten about or something, and you’re looking at how kind of sad it is… it felt sad. Somehow. I think because with something like that, you instantly feel the sense of its potential and design and hope/goal and experience, at the same time you’re seeing what it’s become, and it’s just a sadness.

Maybe that’s why the RK seemed slightly more… taciturn.

So me and Tek cleaned it out bigtime, clearing and lubricating every channel that held drains and sprinklers and fountains and spouts and so on and scraping and dissolving off all the yucky stuff that was all over the place and energy-clearing what fluid was there until finally the place was active again and there was fluid all over the place in this impossible structural-ballet of complexity and grace. That’s the only way I can describe it. Glorious.

I decided I would come back for the third thing another separate time.

*

Then I realized some guy was standing about ten feet away and waving one arm frantically at me. I realized I’d been seeing him for some time, but it just hadn’t come to my conscious awareness. I had this sudden memory of a meditation with a hilarious frog (who I made a prince), and how I’d been looking out over this vast field, and literally found myself saying, “Well, I don’t see anything, except that thing leaping up and down in the center trying to get my attention.” Or something like that. Which is how I realized it was there. It felt like that. I looked to each side to see the K-boys but no it wasn’t one of them, it was someone else. I couldn’t see him clearly even in concept. He was like “a man” and that’s all I got.

He said he is from a part of my body that doesn’t have a specific name to me — it’s just applied to some huge region and he is just a little area and my sense was, he wasn’t even an area necessarily included in any word we tend to use. But he said he was desperate to have my help. So me and the K-boys and Tek went to see his home. He represented the energy of this area “underneath” a certain segment of small intestine, and the lower outside of them. The area was kind of like a long thin cave that opened up a little at one side, like an elongated V shape. The ‘roof’ of it I sensed was the bottom of the intestine in that area.

It was clear that the intestine was sort of ‘permeable’ in a way it was not supposed to be. I actually had the sense that it was supposed to be but only in this really specific way. And for a long time it had been ‘leaking’ (leaky gut apparently!), other stuff, different and often thicker stuff, not like gushing, but the leak would basically seep out at the top and then run down the side walls of this area and sometimes onto the floor. So by the time I was looking at it, it was like this thick, semi-solid, goo-yuck-gunk was literally plastered to the entire circumference of the whole area. And it was clear that it had reached the point where whatever was normally supposed to come through there, couldn’t at all.

(Which made me realize I never thought of this about leaky gut: not just the effect of getting antibodies and becoming intolerant to whatever you eat; but the damage done in that area; and to this point he was showing me, that maybe enough leakage gunking up the works and the body can no longer get nutrients through in a given area, and maybe that nutrient (like all of them) is actually critical to life. So now you’re mysteriously chronically deficient in element-X, which the more I read, the more I realize is literally going to mess up the entire system because everything is so interdependent, not because you aren’t ingesting it, but because the part of you that needs to absorb it is so gunked up with leakage byproduct over years that it’s plugged — either the gentle doorway into that area, or the places in that area that would absorb whatever is supposed to come through. So maybe the person doesn’t have any issues with food intolerances, but that doesn’t mean there are no internal results.)

So me and Tek did a whole lot of peeling this crap off the entire place and pushing it out. It was so thick and solid seeming that I had to do a whole lot of breaking it up finer and finer, and then dropping it through a grate into a waste area for ‘holding’, until finally we had the area taken care of and cleaned up. Then we did more with the gunk under the grate and Tek did some weird thing I can’t explain but I translated as “distributing this to as diverse a collection of routings as possible” or something like that.

*

Morning Mass w/IG

(Sunday I think, since I wasn’t working that morning, I forget which day. I forgot to put dates on my illegible notes, made by hand because my PC keyboard is dead and from Friday to Monday my work PC was shipping off for replacement. I got my new work computer back so I’m typing on that one temporarily till mine is fixed).

Something or someone called for my attention, and after some negotiating and figuring, it seemed to be a lymph node on my left side. I realized that I haven’t had the normal blemish-detox signs on the left, despite I’ve been doing a sort of detox and the right has them, and normally I always get mirror images of them on my chest, which is funny and weird but makes sense in a way. I worked for a bit with Tek to unclog this unusually hard-solid clog and to be kind to the rest of the system in that area. It wasn’t like a big clog it was like just unusually solid/hard.

*

Earlier in the day I’d been talking to Ithikah about how I know my brain so heavily filters my perception of the Aeons by the first identity I met them with. He had the idea that I use the dream-symbol I once had of each of them as grey cubes (an artifact from the Aeon round picture I think), and that I imagine that they/he are at the front of the cube, say hello, and then walk around to the back of the cube and see who ELSE I meet. That sounded like an idea that might work and bring something different.

*
I decided to do the 3rd thing in the prior med which Tek told me was the Liver. So I went to it, and after a difficult time discerning anything, finally the words and realization came: “City of Industry.” There’s an actual city with that name back home in CA. But this seemed so apropo for what little I was able to perceive of it. Like it was so big it couldn’t be a thing, it couldn’t even be a place, it had to be an entire city.

Then I fell asleep. 🙁

*

Midnight Mass w/IG (early Mar)

I talked to Sun and cried on him some. Apparently some of the love I have for IG I can vent to Sun as he doesn’t have another element that is fear that is something of a limiter on me and IG. At one point when I was thanking him for a meditation he gave me way back in like 1994 that changed me and changed how I felt about this kind of work profoundly, I said, “You marked me!” and then my brain gave the word the IG-as-a-verb meaning and I started laughing like a maniac for some reason because at that moment it seemed so literally true.

I thought of the four in the kitchen, where the Queen took me once, so close, so normal, and I started sobbing again with how much I miss them and how I can’t touch anybody for so long now, it’s like there is this opaque divider between my conscious self and everything and everybody else. Even my meditations have been only totally alpha/beta for so long, and it’s different, there is a kinesthetic element missing.

Mark (IG5) is clarity with me, I can’t say he is ever ‘not there’ but of course, though how intense that is seems depends also on me. (He clarifies: “Mostly on you.”) At one point recently I realized that he already knows all the answers and the thought that he had it in his hand, and I can’t find it, I can’t find the place to stick a crowbar in and FIX this, to force myself ‘through’ to the full degree of trust I need to really integrate with him, just completely kicked me, and I started ranting at him and crying about it.

I feel like I spend most of my time with IG griping and crying lately. Although it usually involves at some point how glorious he is and that’s part of the problem, that I want to be with it and share it and touch it and allow it and accept it and totally make it mine.

Humor: several times in the last week alone in the midst of emotional raving (which often results in my saying things I had no idea I felt until that moment, or in ways I would not normally say them for sure), I’ve ended up saying, “You’re MINE!” And the reason that’s funny is because when I first met him, I went to the back of him and wrote MINE in big gold letters into him and then hugged him from behind, and I wondered at the time and in my blogging why I did that… I had no idea why that of all things came through. Foreshadowing in the archworld or something.

*

It was difficult to discern anything for a bit. Then I thought I was about to be hit by a train and I leaped up into the sky and watched it go by under me and trains were all over like I was at a station. I went back to the ground when it was empty, and another train pulled up and stopped right in front of me. People got out, and some guy in uniform eventually went back in. I stepped onto the train, the car was to the left so I walked between the seats and there was only one person there. I sat in the seat across from her and said hello.

The train turned into some kind of pod with only our seats very close together and a big clear window about 2/3 of the way around us and there was motion and difficult to discern until we were sitting at the very peak edge of some kind of snowy mountain. I could see that if I even opened the door and put one foot out I’d probably fall to my doom. I said with humor: We are trapped together in this teeny tiny place. Clearly, IG wants me to talk to you.

She is a guide she says, her name is Shiante. All but the “e” is one syllable fast rolled like the old gaelic do (it would be lacking the H from the gaelic but it feels wrong without it). She said that she has a slight overlap with Calme (the e on the end sounds similar and I can’t pronounce it worth a darn). She told me that she had been with me since I was a small girl and she had watched me as I’d grown up. She said her role is to help me focus with my “true-self” as she called it. Recently in fiction I wrote this role of “true-friend” (a blood brother basically) so perhaps the term came from that. Or that came from the term. Anyway it seemed like it meant, the ‘real me that is of IG/God’ as opposed to ‘the me that has developed as a result of my life experience.’ Don’t get me started on that dichotomy again…

Anyway, she told me: With every decision you make, ask: What does my True-Self want?

Then I guess I fell asleep.
I spaced out and fell asleep the next night too.
And the next. Sigh.

Tonight will be my 4th night of actually getting to MM on time. Why I should have such difficulty with consistency is beyond me, but I’ve actually been so BAD at literally everything related to meditation lately, and wanting IG and the Four so desperately, I’m determined to live up to the commitment.

*

Other Stuff

I’ve read a lot about castor oil lately. It’s one of those sort of incredibly versatile things with impossible reputation, like DMSO, allegedly has cured many someones of everything that exists you’d think. Edgar Cayce was a big fan of castor oil, used poultices of it in suggestions a lot, talked some about it being a sort of positive frequency for human health. He also said the Peyer’s Patches in the gut were a critical part of human health (they absorb the ‘oils’ as the gut doesn’t. Most oils in our culture are bad ones. They use the lymphatic system to distribute this. That’s apparently about all that is known about them, though I need to read more. My gut instinct tells me (no pun intended) that this is actually way more important than anybody realizes).

Now that I have the grand old consistency of 3 days of meditation I’ve begun to wonder why I can’t just keep a sheet handy to throw over my bedspread, shower and douse my whole body with the stuff every night, just prior to MM w/IG. Surely it can’t hurt me, and it might do me good. (S/B great for the keratosis red bumps all over the arms, a trivia compared to the other things it’s used for.) EC and others use poultice of castor oil over liver, kidneys, any organ. Honestly my brain’s having a really hard time wrapping around how anything on the skin can affect something that is not on or right near the surface of the skin, but as poultices have been used by every culture on earth since the dawn of time, this seems like a stupid thing to argue. I need better edu on it. Allegedly some study did look at castor oil. Oh another thing I’ve been reading a lot about including with poultices is activated charcoal. I have both of these things but haven’t done anything except take a few AC tablets over the last few days. I’m wondering if it would really hurt me to make the effort to make poultices of things like this and just wear them every night. I sleep on my back after all it’s not like it should be a problem.

I forgot to mention, so, I’ve been “listening to my body” and it’s really talking a lot. My kidneys are unhappy and I often feel them slightly aching. When I really sit quietly and listen it occurs to me that my body actually makes an astonishing amount of “inner noise” which I have managed to completely ignore my entire life apparently.

(I’ve made much more of a point of sitting quietly lately. Just “centering” as I used to call it back when every spare instant was a form of meditation, in some of the bewilderness days. Listening to some jim brickman piano songs, El Shaddai and It Is You (I Have Loved) and a brief prayer MP3 I made, just to “spend time with IG.” He wants me to and he puts his hands on my head for awhile.)

Sun-Tue I had only lemonade through morning and night (sipped in small doses Reams-style) plus midday, four eggs lightly fried in Kerrygold butter (thank the gods my local tiny-grocer now carries that. Now we have ONE non-factory-farm butter option). I know it’s not enough food as usual but I was trying not to eat anything bad, and really busy at work, and it tasted awesome with potassium salt and fresh cracked black pepper and extra melted butter mixed in with the yolks (which usually vary from slightly runny to slightly firm) and I felt fine and not hungry at all.

The kidneys showed up to talk to me last night and asked me to lay off the lemonade for a bit. I protested that I thought it was good for the liver and them and they indicated that it’s not that it’s bad, it’s just that it’s nothing-but-that for days and they needed some variety. I hadn’t thought of that. So I thought of how hard it is to manage anything even at work when there is not variety, when all your resources are slammed in one area and the others ignored, and apologized. I hadn’t really thought about them dealing with different kinds of stuff in different ways — even though the RK med should definitely have shown me that, especially with the little pools of different stuff — I guess my brain was thinking of them like they were just a thing fluid ‘ran through’ as simply as a river or something, but of course… that wouldn’t make sense. If they only functioned like a tube they’d look like a tube, and not like they do.  They said if I wanted to resume some of it Friday that would be ok. So in the meantime I won’t do any of that.

I found some notes I’d written when reading Reams stuff about normalizing my pH numbers. My urine is very acidic, my saliva very akaline. Allegedly one or both of these would be helped by fresh orange juice and bananas (can’t remember which) plus mustard, caraway seed and blue cheese. So I decided to have a smoothie earlier of fresh OJ and banana and an egg (I wanted aminos from gelatin and chia seed but couldn’t find either of them. I wanted a bunch of coconut cream concentrate but couldn’t get it melted enough to use it). And I’m going in there now to make a chuck burger, dijon country-style mustard, caraway seed and crumbled blue cheese burger. Why not. That combination is either going to be really good or really bad I bet. Either that or I’ll just have it tomorrow. I’m not really hungry although I would have eaten a few eggs earlier if I didn’t think I’d be eating tonight.

I had good-dairy-sourced chocolate milk I actually managed to ignore for days until the kid drank it all. And I have a GF cake mix that it turns out I have had sitting on the counter for 14 months (um. Is it still good? It’s in a sealed bag. It better be, since nearly everything GF I own is that old! – most has been in the chest freezer since last spring, before it got warm I moved everything into that – you can tell I don’t have a temptation problem with GF stuff!) with frosting in the cupboard that I’m really eager to make (spice cake) but I have put that off as well as I don’t want to hurt the liver or kidneys right now.

I was going to drink a little of the CM and then I started to talk to the Kidneys about it. I stopped, when I realized it was basically going up to someone and saying, “Hi, I’m going to do this thing that will hurt and disgust you and make you work really hard when you’re already sick. But hey, don’t take it personally, just because it’s my arbitrary whim of complete inconsideration for you. So since I’m going to do that, would you prefer that I do that all now, or some now and some later, or would this other different way of kicking your ass be more preferable?”

When you start considering the organs entities, identities, “people you talk with in your head” basically, when you personalize it, all of the sudden it starts seeming a lot more… well… PERSONAL if you’re then going to go do something that makes them miserable. At the very least it seems like warning with great apology up front, and “minimizing” whatever damage you do, and a very focused ‘compensation as apology and correction’ behavior ought to follow. It occurred to me that maybe the reason I haven’t heard my inner body all my life until now, maybe the reason why we don’t normally have inner conversations with our organs except in dreams (in symbolic fashion) is because we really just don’t want to know. We don’t want that level of ‘responsibility.’

Like in the meditation where the aeons were implying I was the corporation-of-palyne, doing mass damage as cells died to clean it up, maybe the cells actually have something better to do, when they aren’t throwing themselves on their swords for us.

P