My resistance to blogging about recent things with Mark and the heart chakra is so ridiculous, it tells me this is important to document. But it’s hard and I don’t even know why. I’ve been trying for over a week and even with self-discipline to write something down in a text file, I still haven’t got most of it recorded, let alone in the blog. This morning is another effort.
GETTIN JIGGY WITH MARK (FINALLY)
So I began feeling more draw to talk with IG5, and regularly would tell him, please put your hand on me… I need to feel you. He would put his hand on my head, or sometimes my heart or my back, and I would bliss out. My sense of him has been stronger than in a long time, and while not as overt as when we first met, it’s enough. Sometimes I get awesome nervous system merges from all over within the body, in my lower body especially, which is ideal and normally the least affected (but the part of my body most needing positive nervous system assistance).
I have often remembered IG4 telling me, when I was failing to make her twice a day brief meditative periods requested, we were sitting together and she had one hand on my head and she said to me: “At least this.” That if I could just find my attention with her a couple times a day, for a litle bit of time to sense her touching me, and praying to God to help me better allow her love into me, that she could help me so much more.
My van and my city are conspiring to save my soul. The radio station options in the car are pathetic. Often, the only one coming in decently that isn’t commercials is christian rock. This genre is vastly better than it used to be, mind you. And ever since IG4 made me fall in love with her and recognize her as ‘divine’ I’ve had a lot more appreciative tolerance for people singing about god-related topics… but I have limits. (I’ve been familiar with the genre since the 70s mind you, eons ago I was a fan of the group Petra, and Larry Norman and Amy Grant… I just don’t normally prefer it.)
Due to my new amping-up of affection for, and time with, IG5 I was finding that many of the songs were great for singing to him. I have spent a lot of time sitting in my van in the driveway listening to music, waiting to leave again and pick up the kid from her new job. Mark (IG5) and I were getting closer every day with my growing attention, and we would take turns singing to each other, and actually laughing about how corny the lyrics were at times. It was an exercise to be together, though, and often beautiful and I’d end up in a totally altered love-filled state.
(‘Shazam’ app for phones is the coolest! Recognizes any music anywhere. The pop-single version of TobyMac’s “Start Somewhere” is the most fun song in a long time. Mercy Me’s “Move” is also good. Ashes Remain has some good songs — most of them sound like someone locked Nickleback in my closet, so I pared the playlist down drastically, but a few of the slower ones I like: I sang ‘Without You’ to IG a lot, as the chorus starts with hold me now / I need to feel you / show me how / (and I remake the lyrics into ‘to make it real again’ or ‘to make it true again’ because my brain just won’t remember it any other way).)
The genre has a difference in how they perceive the christ than I do, of course — they think it’s possible to be separate from him, whereas I think it’s only possible for my own attention to be blocking me; he has made it clear is IS all of me and my reality: he lives “through” all of us, and we… “occlude our awareness of his light” to various degree is all.
And the singers have a tendency to do the “my life sucks I need you” and if they’re good they’ll go to heaven, whereas (despite my recognition that he is “saving me” (ever-presently doing so)), I am not reaching for him because of despair and need, just through a deep longing, so I don’t have a lot of the negative side. And I don’t believe in a heaven people go to when they die, though I’ve come to loosely believe in “a greater percentage of awareness remaining present in the light” depending on our development of this. So the lyrics aren’t perfect of course, but all the new driving Ry and the radio has contributed very nicely to a lot more attention points on him through any given day.
I started getting more sense of ‘should/want to’ (they are not separate, when it comes from Mark) related to my heart chakra, which I managed to ignore for some days before I couldn’t anymore.
CHANNELING ENERGY THROUGH HEART CHAKRA
Once, circa 1992-3, I did ‘energy work’ specifically channeling energy ‘through’ my heart (in that case, usually ‘from’ the crown or base), all the time. I mean ALL the time. I was “running energy” when eating, when driving, at every plant or animal or person I was around. This, and specifically running energy at back of the church where I sang (a favor for a friend who was the choir director) every Sunday from base to heart, from crown to heart, in great part to add heat to the often chilly room environment, is probably a great deal of what sparked the kundalini experience that spawned what I call my ‘Bewilderness’ era. And possibly my growing encounters with 3rd and then the Four back then, as they seem related to heart level somehow.
After not really doing any of this for a couple decades, I ran into a little of it in an IG meditation a couple years ago. I had found myself in a desert place with a small hot springs water hole and what seemed like oldstyle natives:
I could feel energy moving in a circle between the five of us. Then he (the shaman) had us stand up and in a small circle, we each put the palm of our hands on the back of the person in front of us, and we were to allow the energy to come through the back of our heart chakra and go through and out the front of the heart and the hands into the person in front of us. So we did that for awhile, and then we sat down again. Mark (IG5) told me I should practice doing this daily now, this via the back through the front thing. I said I (normally feel) the sense of energy at the crown, so where was I pulling it from in back? Sun appeared and said that he is everywhere and I could imagine I was pulling it from his inherent light… so I agreed.
But I sucked at it. Couldn’t feel anything at all anymore, felt like a waste of time. Gave up, didn’t bother.
But… of course I feel nothing. I felt nothing when I first began chakra work. It was sheer imagination for me. And then eventually it was sorta something. And then eventually it was as obvious as anything else that a person can do and feel, like wiggle their ears or lift an eyebrow or something. But it took me time to get it there. Time I made no effort toward… sigh.
When will I learn that if IG actually tells me something outright, it’s important??
So I went back to attempting to ‘do’ something; to use imagination to focus on the energy coming out the front of my heart chakra and forward. (In energy work, the focus is on the exit point, with ‘awareness’ of ‘where’ it is pulling from, but the main focus is the exit; not the entrance or the travel through.) I used Sun and IG. I switched their places. Still felt nothing.
I used my kitty Leeloo who crawled up on my half-reclining chest at that point and plopped down in purring bliss, and I sent it into her. She seemed happy, but she would have without that. I still didn’t feel anything. I let it go and moved on.
Hours later, after work, I decided to write something (fiction). I haven’t written anything at all in some time. I told myself it doesn’t matter what, I can toss it when I’m done, the point is only to get energy moving through me. I had nothing in mind except that maybe it would involve telepathy in some fashion. But about 2800 words poured out of me in a very short time, to my surprise. Dunno if I’ll keep it but it was ok. I see those starts more as “energy introducing itself to me” than any permanent start to something, which could end up completely different.
In this world, god is the sun god, named Aiya. (I was once told to say that 3 times to ‘call the christ energy toward me’. I sing a little tune with this every time before I sing anything else.) The main character sees and talks to him like he’s a guide, a person in his head — like I sometimes do IG (and sometimes Sun). I thought maybe that was a useful catharsis if nothing else, sort of a projection of my relationship with both Sun and IG (who ‘somewhat’ ‘overlap’).
Still later, I was feeling unusually affectionate about Sun. I talked to him off and on about the character in the book. Once in a meditation I asked him if he was god and he said he is ‘a’ god to my people, but… sort of implied that he has a god and the real god is infinite. I asked if I should pray to him and he said, how about you ‘talk’ to me? So that is our relationship. But he is you might say ‘a larger dose of the divine’ than me, so he feels like that. I felt occasional little surges of affection for him, and could tell my heart chakra was starting to amp up some, from the feelings.
IG too. I’d had many days of sheer misery with not being able to sleep well (mostly due to life schedule, but also sleeping badly) and I asked IG to please help me and had the best sleep I’d had in so long. It was just beautiful. I woke up and felt awesome.
Eventually I got to the energy work. I tried to channel energy through the heart, lousily as usual. I felt like maybe I was getting lymphatic blockage down in my chest, a subtle sense of unhappy pressure that comes with that kind of thing, and considered I needed to drink more water. Hours later I was talking to IG again, and attempting to channel energy again.
I got into singing to him, imagining we were totally snuggling and hugging and I kept blurting out even out loud how much I loved him, and he kept putting his hand on my chest, and by now I actually felt a sensation in my chest, which I hoped was a sign slightly of energy and might be a clue that with further work, I might start to ‘feel’ that chakra again, finally.
Sun’s Mini-Tutorial on Heart Energy Channeling
I channeled energy for a long time. Sun was helping me and moved to below the foot of my bed and told me to send it, and that helped, having him be at more of a distance, for some reason. It just went on, for a long time. I was getting a little restless (bored I guess) when he started showing me a variety of things to do with it. The main one we were using had no intent besides what amounts to a sort of circular beam from me to him, like a variable 6-12 inch diameter tube from my chest to his. But then there was a few things he showed me.
1. My ‘intent’ could make this very thin and horizontal and a super intense green light, that would ‘spread’ well, and then if I opened up flow from the back and each side, the four beams would make an incredibly intense almost knifelike circular flat beam coming out of my center. I’m not sure what for.
2. Then he showed me how I could make the beam really thin like a couple inches diameter, but an intense blue that in this case was sort of a azure blue but with deeper hints. He was showing me these ‘layers’ in my energy sheath, like that sort of toroidal outer form that crown chakra has showed me a few times, he demonstrated how I could actually pull this in or push it out to change its distance from me, and then focus the beam of energy from heart chakra at the edge of it. Pull it in close for this one. I never thought of this: I could change the nature of the outer energy flowing-shell, just by intent, either in a small area of it, or the whole thing. In this case, he changed the nature of the whole thing to, on the very ‘outside’ of the energy shell, super stiff and strong. It wasn’t like it changed the fundamental energy. It was like a concept applied that changed the nature of its manifesting, was all.
And then where the very intense beam of blue was meeting the inside of the shell, you arrange it so the energy gets to about the middle of the shell thickness, and then hits the hard outerness of the shell you arranged, and the blue “splays” in a circle. So you’re creating this ‘dynamic’ where the pressure of the energy beam hits the hardness of the shell and the energy splays all over the inside of the outside-edge of the shell — but done right, it’s a pretty even and wide splay. He showed me that if I held all this intent together and then sent energy from the heart but in various places around my body, so lots of “overlapping splay” points, it would create a “shield” that completely surrounded me. I’m not sure what for.
3. Then he showed me a variant, where you are working again with your outer toroidal energy sheath, but you only apply that concept of stiffness to this one little area that is right in front of your heart, and you apply that stiffness like before except really intensely, and instead of applying it to the outside edge like before, you apply it real intensely to the middle of the energy. And this can ‘move’, so the place where the beam meets the hard part can move, you adjust it as needed. The blue is a more intense electric blue for this. And when the beam of energy hits it, instead of splaying out super thin and flat and round, it greatly increases the — momentum? it felt like that, the intensity — of your energy beam. You can adjust the splay and the intensity of speed by how close the sheath is to you (because apparently that affects the… speed?… the energy beam is going when it hits the vertical layer) and by ‘where’ its hitting the stiff part, the closer to middle seemed best, but adjusting this affected the width of slight splay and some of the momentum (less splay was more intensity, but a much smaller end). Honestly, this and the green thing seemed almost like a weapon of some kind. But I’m not sure what it was for.
4. Then he showed how you could do this same beam, but you back off the blue to somewhere between the first and second example (so this one was ‘between’ azure and electric), the beam’s a little thicker (thumb-thick), and you use the ‘outer shell’ of your energy to divide it into intentional pieces that went in a certain direction. So instead of being the splay-effect, you were still getting the intensity of your main beam, but you could direct it into multiple targets. So to speak. I’m not sure what it was for.
Then he had me go through each of those once for about sixty seconds each just to demonstrate I’d learned it, and then returned to the main ‘default’ one. I was sending energy for some time more, when I finally said, “How much longer? Oh — OH NO! You just had me do all that to keep my attention on this so I’d keep working it, right?!”
He grinned hugely but didn’t really agree. I knew he wanted me to keep on, so I kept on. He never said it was enough so finally I said, “Am I doing it wrong now??” and he says, “No.” So I kept on.
But time kept marching on. Finally I said, “Am I not doing it intensely enough or something, that this is taking so long? Do I need to do it differently in any way?” He says, “No.” So I kept on.
Finally I said, “OK, I can see you’re never going to say I’m done, at this rate. I can feel that eternal-patience coming from you! So I’m going to try and set this sort of automatically, but I’m falling asleep.” He didn’t say anything, so I tried to tell my mind to keep this going on a sort of auto-pilot, and relaxed back, and eventually fell asleep.
IG helps me release a heart-chakra energy-block
Slept beautifully. Woke up and called IG first thing, I was singing to him in my head for awhile. He eventually put his hand on my chest, and I could feel that sense again that I had when I was sending the energy under sun’s direction, like a sort of gentle pressure and slightest ache.
And then all the sudden, I could feel something inside me. It was, I ‘knew’, an actual ‘energetic blockage.’ Weirdly, it had a totally physical, geometric feel, even though I knew it was only ‘energy.’
It was firm with a little give as texture, and it was about a four inch round disk, about a quarter inch thick, and it was buried in my chest. But it had been coming forward over time I realized, not sure if Mark helped me realize that or not, but I could feel that it had been deeper, and all that earlier work had actually kind of ‘pushed it toward the outside’. I had the sense then of a splinter, and how splinters naturally try to work their way out.
I was in the middle of singing something to Mark when this happened, and suddenly I heard myself WAIL out loud, in such pain suddenly, such grief, such horror, THEY ALL DIIIIEEEEEDD!!!!
My body wailed it. I heard it like it was someone else almost.
I understood, as it started, I was talking about The Crucifixion of the Trinity experience. All the way back in 2005!! And yes it was the most traumatic meditative experience I’ve had since the so-called Abyss, and I still have huge emotion about it, but gee whiz that was a long time ago!! Nine years!
It was SO intense. I had this sort of mouth-open-silent long-screaming-silent-sob of immense PAIN in my chest, I mean my god like something physically was being pulled out of me viscerally and it freaking HURT!, followed by my various sobbing cries to IG about the original experience and the horror and grief of it.
For a few moments, it’s like I was IN it again, it was that intense and that visceral and that immediate and real to me — present-time, not past.
And after about 20 seconds of this, it receded over the next several seconds or so, and then it was gone. Totally GONE!
Just like that. And I realized that I no longer feel that strong emotion about it even in general. Like somehow… it’s just all gone, the energy is gone!
I “understood” that I had that strong emotion all these years because I had actually stored it, was carrying it around with me all this time, like it was being carried around in my heart — and Mark and sun had just helped me clear it.
It made me wonder if anything that we have ongoing emotion about if we focus with it, is triggering an energy pattern inside us, and if we released it, we’d no longer be emotional about it. If maybe the fact that a given thing is emotional to us is proof that we’re actually carrying an energetic construct for it in our body, or it wouldn’t be, it would be information, not emotion.
It made me wonder if crime victims are carrying literal energy blocks in their body. Then I thought of the release of these intentionally in energy work, I’d always been working on perceiving them in others and dealing with them, but had never before felt this in myself. Seemed reasonable.
The other intensity left my chest, too, like the feeling that I had some blocked lymph there went away when this happened, so I think that I was registering low-level pain for some time, that was translating that way.
I spent more time singing to IG and loving him like it was an actual “activity,” just loving, emoting, as if he were a psychic cat I was just being all lovey to, we were singing to each other and nuzzling each other’s heads and so on, it was so beautiful, and I felt such overwhelming love.
At one point I realized how much I was loving him, the classic sign I’m getting good with an IG, then I suddenly panicked and said, “Oh god! Don’t leave me just because I love you now!” with that same fear that I have of IG abandonment, but I felt a strong sense from him that I needed to let that whole feeling and fear go IMMEDIATELY, so I did. Then I had the impression that if I had held it for more than a couple seconds, it might have gained a bit of presence in me. It occurred to me it might be a lot easier to create energy blocks than we realize.
I also had the sense that getting through energy blocks didn’t really have to be in meditations like I was doing — I was meditating in love is all, so it naturally happened I think — but even physical exercise can actually help move energy through enough to deal with a lot of the littler things. I wondered if stress, and reduction of it, was in part this thing: maybe we are constantly creating thoughtforms, or releasing them, or changing them, and we’re just oblivious to it. Maybe exercise is a fairly mechanical but useful tool for actually venting the smaller stuff.
It occurred to me that the reason combat soldiers have often struck me as literally not being able to be ‘light-hearted’ anymore is because literally, their entire chest/heart chakra (and likely other areas) are just stuffed with dark, heavy, energy block patterns. Combat soldiers probably need years of energy work as healing.
And then Mark “gave me insight” into it:
That this is behind my avoiding the four for so long now, and feeling like I couldn’t touch them, like we were literally separated by some invisible wall, and then repeatedly encountering them such as queen, and saying I didn’t want to be with them because “I didn’t feel deserving.” That emotion has been strong and I’ve never been sure where it came from, I’ve blogged at least two experiences like that.
The feeling he was giving me was that this was gradually working its way out of me, but too slowly and he was encouraging me to the heart chakra work to force it out. And that at a certain point its “placement within my energy construct” slightly shifted the side-effect of my experience of it, instead of mostly denial or actual blocking of the Four, became that horrid “I’m not worthy” feeling — which it turns out was GUILT. I didn’t know it was guilt until then. That they died and I didn’t, and that they died FOR ME. That’s why I didn’t feel worthy.
I didn’t understand why it was bothering me when it did, though: surely I should have reacted years prior?
And again I got the overlay analogy of a splinter: that it hurts much worse as it gets closer to the surface, our experience of it changes when it moves. I had another overlay of the energy stuff sun had showed me earlier, how anything you moved changed the experience of it. If your energy sheath was close vs. far. If the energy beam you were sending through it was unhindered, vs. having a ‘pressure-stiffness’ in one area of the sheath vs. another. That the size of the beam could matter. That the degree of ‘angle’ — even when this seems more conceptual than physical — mattered.
Later I got this concept that took me a bit to get through: that in a solar system, the effect of a given geometry (e.g. a planet) depends on the relationship that it has to a given other body (e.g. if, compared to earth, something is closer vs. farther, or in retrograde, or whether it’s over-here vs. over-there, for example). It seemed like, the body was its own solar system or even universe in a way, for just a moment I perceived it like that, and the relevance of any geometry — like that energy block, but it could be anything, like my liver or leg bone or a collection of calcium — to anything else, changed the overall experience; maybe even the “meaning,” much like changing the inflection of a word, or changing where in “time” something was, changed things as much as changing location, and on some level, there was no difference really.
It occurred to me that this complicates psychology a little, because how we react to something that is a legit energetic construct in us, is going to change over time, as the self tries to work it out of us. We may have an experience, and think we’re over it years later, and then start getting symptoms of it, emotionally, maybe even physically, and we’d have no clue that it was part of the experience we thought we got over years ago.
For some reason, this did not result in the Four being immediately present with me. Go figure.
I looked at Mark, who was ‘nearly’ visual with his head near mine, and I said, “Thank you.”
“Look down,” he said, looking at my chest.
I look down at my chest. The funky tube that goes through my chest, the ‘un-chakra’ that is between my heart and throat, the border with its symbols was very pronounced, the blackness of the border had become that blacker-than-black that only ajna vision gives, and every symbol was the totally electric color of a chakra from the chakra-gem world IG4 took me to. It was literally like every symbol was a glowing gem itself, around the hole that went all the way through me. I closed my eyes and looked at my back, to see it was the same there.
“Wow,” I said, for lack of any other word to cover it. I put my hand on IG’s face and he kissed my forehead and I fell asleep.