It’s morning. Fed the cats, took the dog out, got my ice water, downed a protein drink, and sat in my recliner. Now I am thinking and praying before moving on with my day.
I find myself automatically talking to Mark, and then I’m in his room and Sun and 3rd are to each side of me.
Why aren’t you helping me more? I ask. Why has the job sitch gotten to the point of such desperation? Money is a crisis now, the worst ever. I know this must be me. But surely you are my helper, you can help me to make it so! Why? Why not already?
He says nothing. It’s been so long since I heard him say anything, it feels like. It feels like I am lost in the world without him. Alone without help. OK not alone. I feel his presence. I just don’t feel like he is… is doing anything.
I continue my pleas. Is there some meditation I could do that… well specifically that having done it, will fix whatever energy is needed for this to become real in my life?
We are then somewhere else, but I can’t see anything around me. He hands me what seems like a volleyball-size sphere, and it is the color of my throat chakra, that azure-cerulean every-shifting-shade blue. As I turn it around in my hands, it shrinks and changes color. This continues. Eventually it is the size of a marble and then it shifts to another shape, a geometry like a stick, which morphs in turn into some shape, which eventually ends up a spiral, that bends and connects to itself and morphs until it is a circle, and then fleshes out until it is a sphere. And then just disappears.
Don’t think I’ve had anything like that in a meditation before.
I realize some guy is standing a few feet from me. An archetype I assume.
Exercise, I thought I heard him say.
Wait, what? I ask, thinking it was pretty clear but makes no sense. You want me to exercise?
Yes. Muscles on bottom. Muscles on top. Aerobic. All these things separately. And with each, accept it has come to be. Be grateful it is in your life. Feel emotion, feel happy it is real for you.
By “it” he means what I want — in this case, a good job.
Oh. I… well I can do that, ok, I say. Um. I feel like, while we’re here, I should — can we… can I share the love of my four elements with you?
He assents, and so I do. Suddenly there is a section on the back left of my head that is bugging me and I feel specifically all through this, through every element. Not until it’s over and I put my right hand back there and imagine ‘cleansing’ that area with white light, does the kinesthetic sense go away.
He didn’t change with the elements. That was unexpected. So whatever he was, he apparently was not an archetype. They always do. Maybe some aspect of self or Mark, as a spontaneous guide?, I ponder.
I took his hands. I told him — and suddenly felt it — that I was grateful for his talking to me, and appreciated him. I didn’t feel like the energy trade I normally do was the right thing, but I felt we should do something. Instead we hugged, and he just became part of me. No sense of merge. No rushing. Nothing.
Mark, I said to him, suddenly finding myself back in his room now, Why can’t YOU have just said that to me? Why aren’t you talking to me? I so miss your voice. I so miss every smallest element of you in my life. My heart longs for you. I feel so bereft without the sense of you.
But he said nothing in response. I didn’t feel he was ignoring me, or refusing me. There was no negative feeling. It’s the feeling normally I get when for whatever reason it is just in his view not right that he be saying anything at that moment. He is there. His attention is upon me. He is just not saying anything.
Further whining-ranting-pleading on my part seemed inappropriate then, as I felt it was important I shift attention and go write this down before I forgot it, since it was something I needed to act on.