I had some realization that I needed to do the ‘let-them-love-me’ thing with the Aeons prior to the Four, ideally. Because every integration with an Aeon makes me slightly more open to one or more of the Four. Senior told me that once, when my work with Jiri made Senior so much clearer to me.
Through the evening, I began to “sense” this area of myself. As if I were a big egg shape of energy. And horizontally, from just around the top of my solar plexus to just below my throat, that entire area was like a ‘bandwidth’ of energy. And inside that area is what I need to work on. I could feel the sense of opacity, blocks, thickness, textures, etc.
I felt Sun was giving me this. Often when I’m with Sun I have spontaneously “felt” various color, texture, density, in my body, as if all the things which “blocked the light” were becoming apparent to me.
I felt as if my chest had a whole bunch of “organic things, which were green and green-yellow, sticky, flat, gross,” that were “clogging up” my chest (well, that whole area). Initially some of it felt like seaweed, if you could imagine ‘patches’ of it a few inches in diameter, and it being super, horribly sticky on one side, and basically clogging and strangling whatever it’s stuck to. Later there was also an overlay of boogers. Suffice to say it wasn’t very pleasant. But I felt that it was a good thing that I was being given this ‘perception’ since then I would be able to deal with visualizations to clean and clear it out.
Next morning, Jiri:
I noticed Hot Amanakhaton’s name on my desktop picture and suddenly felt like I missed him so much. “Jiri!” I yelled in my head, and imagined throwing my arms around him and holding him tightly for awhile. I gushed on him for some time, with apologies for it being so long and wishes for our better integration.
I told him I was working on my heart chakra, and could he be nice and love me for a bit to help? He agreed, and then ‘shared observance’ with me that my posture was completely closed-in and “protective.” (I had just the day before watched a TED talk on that.) So I forced myself to sit back and “open up” my posture for it.
He studied me and ‘shared’ his perception of that area of my egg-like energy-self. Similar to mine earlier but a little different, too. He perceived the area as even more ‘thickly’ ‘congested’ as I do. (I actually have a slight bit of lung congestion right now so that seemed an interesting sync.)
He indicated that he could take all the areas that were of ‘the same nature’ (I don’t know what nature that was, maybe ‘his’ nature). And he concentrated, and eventually I could feel all these different little areas through me (some seemed outside my chest but all were in that region, like I was more outer egg-shaped than body-shaped) that were the same as each other, and matched whatever he was looking for. And I had the impression he was grabbing them much how you would stack something together by poking each piece with a fork. After he had collected all of them, he took them and then… did something that seemed to dissolve or lighten them in some way.
It was only a subtle feeling for me. But I did feel as if there were all these ‘spots’ like a flat, irregular shape about an inch or two in diameter throughout me at the level between armpits and upper solar plexus, and they were light now and not opaque.
Later in the day, Ithikah:
I noticed Ithikah’s name on my desktop picture, and suddenly realized I missed him so much. I called him and since just once before he’d actually been kind enough to seem human, I asked for that aspect and threw my arms around him. I gushed on him for awhile.
And then he started talking to me.
“But you don’t talk!” I said in confusion. “You’re Ithikah, you’re just the shapes inside me!”
“I am more than you give me credit for,” he corrected.
And then he ‘shared’ this ‘understanding’ and I could see how my initial impression of him created this big “filter” and I have used this to basically prevent anything else ever since. And this despite that aside from Nero I’ve likely had more interaction with Ithikah than any of my Aeons.
I had this realization that each of the Aeons are impossibly vast and complex, and this concept of their ‘presenting form or personality’ that I ‘met’ is so tiny there are no words for it.
“Do you make up a form?” I asked, meaning, do they create some human-ish form to interact with me.
“We usually choose some form similar to or known to yours,” he says.
“So it’s arbitrary?” I ask.
“Not entirely,” he says. “It will reflect our relationship.”
I asked if he would help me work on my heart chakra by loving me for a bit. I expected the inner-shapes, the stuff I always feel with him, the way he communicates inside me. But instead he started ‘gently commanding’ me.
“Say, ‘I deserve love’,” he commands. And various things I had to repeat after him.
And he moved around my body and said things near my head that were nice and some he made me repeat.
I kept feeling like something was going on ‘underneath’ though. Like somewhere, those shapes were working on something. He felt me ‘feeling for it’ and, subtly shared the observance:
I was using this to distract myself from what was going on consciously, as a form of resistance. So I worked harder on focusing on the surface stuff and letting it happen.
Finally he had ‘all of him that was the resistance in me in that area’. At the same time I had a ‘realization’:
The Aeons can only change the parts of me that are them. It’s not that they are helping/healing me generically or across the board, although they are capable of interacting with other Aeons as well, and might join together for helping me if I asked. But generally, when I ask them for help, they can help only with the part of me which is energy in them.
It requires each of them to focus on improving their own elements in me. In other words for me to get through all this, I need that. I need all 12 of them to take conscious responsibility for their parts of me and work with me to improve that energy.
And then, he ‘rolled out of me’ just in those areas, as if he had been sitting ‘in’ me and pointedly made sure all those pieces were ‘with’ him and then did a backward somersault and took them all, and worked on cleaning and lightening those areas, and yet, I could feel that they were all still ‘in’ me too. And I realized a couple of more things about the Aeons:
1) They cannot ‘leave’ me. They “are” me. There is no place to “go.” And
2) Energy doesn’t die or disappear. It merely changes. So they can clean up energy and they can move it [neither of those concepts are 100% correct but is the only way we can model it], but they can’t “remove” it or “release” it.
So I went into this with the idea that maybe I’d ask the Aeons to ‘clean out’ meaning “cleanse, hence get rid of” whatever “blocking energy” was there. But that’s wrong. It’s that I have to fix the ‘relationship’ I have with them that is resulting in that energy in me which is actually them, and then the energy will ‘clean up’ (brighten, or perhaps, my ‘attention’ will shift to a probability where it is brighter). So it’s not that they are just ‘loving me.’ It’s that my allowing this and working with them on this, is shifting “us” and hence that energy, specific to those areas of me.
I hugged Bo and told her I understand now how limited I’ve made my relationship with my Aeons and that I was sorry about that. I thanked her for the people in my life with whom I have good relationships as I know she is part of that. I asked her to love me for a little while and help me with the energy in the area of my heart chakra and she agreed.
I had to keep changing my posture as I kept reverting to closed-in/protective positions. She said various ‘admiring’ things to me, observing how I reacted to each of them. I worked on ‘accepting and allowing’ such.
She helped me “realize” in places that sometimes when it seemed like I was accepting the flattery, I was instead merely arrogant, and sometimes I was merely accepting ‘that someone had/expressed that feeling’ but I wasn’t taking them seriously at all. I simply dismissed the value and legitimacy of their opinion entirely, and instead was merely willing to tolerate that they had an opinion which happened to be that. Which is not at all the same as actually being able to take in the positive energy of someone admiring you, and accepting it as fair/just/true.
There was not as much ‘problem’ energy in that heart area from her as there had been from both Jiri and Ithikah. After she worked on the energy in that heart-chakra area, she observed:
My focus on this (the “energy of the chest” work she was doing) was actually a way of distracting myself from the compliments she had been giving me, that I was trying to sublimate the effort into something I was more comfortable with: energy work yes, accepting flattery, no. I made myself accept a little more of that as best as I could, before we were done.
For some reason I just didn’t feel like hugging her. She pointed out my posture but I had a hard time changing it. This despite I feel I have a positive relationship with her, and she is the ‘healer’ personality.
Talking with her I had this interruptive-memory (I’ve realized these are like dreamlings in a way), a snippet from ST:TNG. There is this huge life form out in space and it’s been lonely for eons. There is a man who can love it, who is perfect for it, but he is a former mental patient of the Betazed, and the Captain is distressed that this hugely important thing is contingent on some guy who is unstable. Then a clip of how the man could feel the creature, its lonely sadness.
Then suddenly that memory-clip-dreamlet was over, and as usual, I thought, “Oh, I don’t know where that suddenly came from, whoops, I was distracted,” but then I remembered: these matter, these are communication. I tried to understand what this could mean in the current context and I “almost” got it… but not quite.
I finally visualized a merge, and then hugged L’Anna. I was trying to hurry up so I could use the restroom but L’Anna said to stop and take care of that and come back later.
It was days before I returned but I can’t recall very much of what went on now, as I didn’t write it down at the time. I did finally feel I got ‘through’ the work with her for this goal, though.