He was the Prince of Wands, I understood that.

I didn’t get the context, in the dream. I wasn’t lucid. Even if I were, I don’t think I would have remembered that in my two simultaneous series of Tarot archmeds, he is actually next on the Wands list (working down from Knight) — I might only have remembered that I am on the Ten of Disks (‘Wealth’) working up. I had seen the cards in walking past a few days before, but had not done anything.

He wore a suit. He was very powerful, a magician with great force of will, and a temper to match.

They were immortals. They had existed before Time, and would exist after Time. But there weren’t that many left. Their eternal feuding, no matter its duration, no matter their immortal nature, did not keep them from being taken from identity-existence. Not if you did it right, which someone occasionally did. Occasionally is a whole lot when you have all of eternity to work with. Their numbers had thinned until only a handful remained.

He and the woman were in battle. They wrestled in energy and then wrestled in person. She stole his wand, and it took him several centuries to get it back. He stole something of hers and she came to challenge him regularly for it. They battled again. To the death, they pretended. He trapped her in a space she couldn’t escape. She surrounded herself with something impenetrable by force or fire. He removed all the oxygen from her space, and it began to vacuum, her energy pulling around her like a fabric.

But nothing else happened and when she struggled out of that, she saw that he was gone. He would let her live to try and kill him another day. Or he would be back for her. And they would battle.

But nobody would die, I realized, as if it were the most important realization in the entire universe.

Because there is no worse curse, no more horrifying fate, no sorrow so deep, as being alone.

Really, really alone. For eternity.

They had come to realize that. All of them, those which remained. They protected each other now, at the same time they pretended to battle. Their enemies were their most precious resource. The flowers of life that made their own life worth living. That brought novelty and interaction. Without the others, they would be alone. A fate worse than any death.

So the games went on. He would steal something of hers. She would break something of his. They would meet again and pretend their war, as a form of love.

***

I don’t know what that means. The tarot symbol was clear in the personality. I still don’t know what that means to me.

***

My best friend has made me swear to use the Procyon light-sound machine daily for awhile. I owe a day so I have to do two sessions tonight. What I like about it is mostly that after a brief time it shuts up my brain. That doesn’t happen very often. Reminds me a little of  Zazen.

Or ‘Transcendental Meditation’ or TM as I called it eons ago, after paying to ‘train’ in the ‘not a religion’ practice that in context with its community  is such a cult it makes the Moonies look like a casual social group. The practice was nice but just not proactive enough for me, though once in awhile I do an ordinary version of it just to relax.

Anyway, doing anything at all that is good for me is a little novel, as I’ve been in this I’ll-save-the-Queen workaholic daze since last December.

Recently I was thinking about how my life has changed since then and I thought, I’m so weary and almost numb all the time lately, when another part of me burst in with, you’re stoned! — and the realization that I was ‘self-medicating’ with work to a degree. I don’t know why. I was so happy for things in Dec. and now I guess I have to look at this as self-created, even the parts obviously outside me, on level of affected-reality.

Recently in some call with my Director, I don’t know why, but I got this wave of just intense sadness. It occurred to me that I have spent most of my adult life looking for someone worth being loyal to.  And that was probably not him.  Maybe he just wasn’t really up to that.  Most people aren’t.

I feel like on some level, I’ve been looking for someone with the kind of integrity as a person, the character, that is strong enough to demand loyalty and dedication, sweet enough to truly appreciate it, and vulnerable enough to need it.

I should probably sublimate this Virgo times four need into a romantic relationship, but first I’d have to have one. In addition to that also seeming unlikely for eternity at the moment, I also wouldn’t have time, at this point.

I remember this meditation where I was shown how time is something we weave out of ourselves, in a way. I wonder what part of me is so lacking that time is constantly an issue for me.

***

I’ve had a couple of dreams with the blue eyes of soul as I once called him — with the Angel of self, whatever it is one calls it.

There are two ways to encounter this energy. Either it is the focus of the dream, and the instant I meet his eyes, I am just completely consumed with it, with his eyes.

Or it is not the focus, but during the dream I will turn to someone who is right next to me, and the instant I looked into their eyes, I feel such love in me, as if it is blooming with such intensity within my heart chakra that I am ‘falling in love’ to the extreme “sweet” degree at that instant… there aren’t any words for it.

I asked myself in the shower today why I can’t put more focus into wishing for more of that. Every time I have even really thought seriously about him I find myself in wracking sobs of the degree of how terrible it is to be without him.

Maybe that is why I didn’t get more of him through these years since I first met him, after the so-called Abyss experience, just for the side effects, wanting to avoid the pain of any lack of him. Easier to not think of it. But if you get what you focus upon, I want to add that to my focus.

I am taking the weekend off. I have had precisely one weekend off since last early December. And pretty much no nights or holidays either. So this is a big deal. I have things I would like to do and nearly all of them tie into meditation or The Four in some way.

P