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In the old days when exploring the wild west by railroad, you couldn’t actually take the train. You had to make camp, and the men laid the tracks for the train. For miles. Then the train could cover those miles to the end and you just started all over again. It was grueling, exhausting, and you didn’t get very far very fast, that’s for sure.

I saw a pic recently that was perfect for my spiritual situation. It had a lovely branching dirt path through a green forest and says:


Now I don’t know where the fuck I am

My life in a sound bite.

I found a meme for it though it’s in black and white.I took the road less traveled


I set out a good ‘prep’ routine for use before meditating that I would like to use. Minimum it would take around 10 minutes. Max could be an hour or all day if I really got into each section.

Early Sunday evening I began. With a few needed breaks for food, shower, not enough sleep and more, I finished somewhere around … 1:30am Tuesday morning.

I passed out, I tuned out, I shifted out, I forgot, I abreacted, I got distracted, I wandered, my god! It was only reminding myself of 3rd once telling me that sometimes, it’s supposed to be hard, you have to get through the energy, that kept me at it.

I had a couple of minor points I should blog. I don’t want to. Insiders are telling me I’m avoiding. It’s been days and I’m still resisting even writing it down in text, and I feel like they’re boring and I’m slightly angry to ‘bother’ myself or anyone else. So they’re likely right. I’m in denial. Hence I have to do it for that reason alone.


First I should document the current prep. It looks like a lot but that’s only because I spelled out every name and prayer etc. Like I said, the whole thing could be done in 10 minutes, maybe less, just by ‘doing it.’


  • White room rinse, property rinse. My body, my room in detail.
  • Ground earth to Galaxy center, tune superstring, pull focus narrow and to me
  • Ground with the Four in the universe tunnel unchakra. BE and breathe with them for a bit. Third, Queen, Senior
  • Port to chakra-gem-world. Touch each, attention to color/shape, commune with my chakras. Focus then ‘with’ each chakra and say hello as part of that: Konewa Turi, Bessand Ari, Kyana Daoen, Alayaowaeiiya, BUSM, ACKRCK, Crown-RCA
  • Sit in Sun’s arms and pull his light through me and push to Mark, heart, all chakras and whole self
  • Hold hands, freely exchange energy with and breathe ‘in’ my Aeons: Taan, Bolehren, Ithikah, L’Anna, Ray, Marcan, Jared & El Nino, Hot Amanakhaton, Calme (Auk Sham), LaeLee, Nedlund, Nero
  • Separation and relief cleansing of major organs/skeleton and whole body and energy-body


  • Help me to become a much greater degree of my ideal self, of my potential, of Mark’s will.
  • Help me to “allow myself more vulnerability.”
  • Help me to be more disciplined, and to be more worthy of what being more disciplined would bring
  • To Mark, the Four, my Aeons, Monde and Rolle: I give you permission to override my every defense. EVERY defense. I give you all permission! I give you all permission! I give you all permission!
  • Help me to accept, to love, to respect, to appreciate the feminine and vulnerable part of myself.
  • Help me see – hear – perceive – understand – realize whatever primary beliefs cause my issues with resisting spiritual integration and with poor health
  • Help me resolve (even in dreams or inattention time) “opposing beliefs” causing the most severe energy blockage.
  • Help me resolve (even in dreams or inattention time) “things that in any way limit my energy on any level, of any kind.”
  • Help me to “allow myself novel information, energy and communication.”
  • Body/Mind, please drop me to a trivial memory and remind me I’m lost, if I get triggered out of any internal work.
  • AYA! AYA! AYA! Christ come unto me, please!

EXERCISE (visualizations)

  • red light triangle outlines
  • white circles
  • Statue of the Four
  • Statuette of the Queen
  • Sierpienta
  • Wand
  • Angel Lightning Glass
  • Rose Nebula Sphere
  • Bloom of Truth

Then the prep is done, and I am with Mark/IG5 and do whatever.

So it ought to be all of 60 seconds before I reach 3rd, Queen and Senior, and it might be a whole 2-3 minutes before I was done with that. Not too challenging, you would think. But this part is what took until I was basically done — once I got through the Four, the rest was just a few minutes.


9/6/2015 late (9/7 technically)

Got lost in breathing with Queen. I mean for eons. Again. Again. Again. Again. Got through it finally.

Just as I was done I was in a hallway, maybe at some institution or business setting, and a woman walked in front of me briskly toward my left. Queen said to follow her so I did. She took a right several doors down, went in a room that had a thin path along the right wall and then desks all along beside with individual cubicle-dividers like a very crowded sort of workplace all with the fronts open.

She sat down, did mundane stuff, and for some reason my resistance was unbelievable. I couldn’t stay still. I wanted to leave. I wanted to say it was boring forget it. I watched her for like 5 seconds but got so bored and I kept spacing out. Came back. Complained to Queen it was boring because she wasn’t DO-ing anything.

I asked if she was me in some world and was told yes. I asked if she knew the 4 and Q said no. I asked why I should care about her then, because there could be thousands, millions of people who are ‘me’ in some reality and I don’t have all night to sit around staring at their boring mundane lives, come on.


His rebuke worked and I got myself to be calm. Time marched on, the woman was just working. Just as I was about to pass out again I think, she took a call and said something about Lipedema, I nearly heard her say the word although I didn’t hear anything else. I ‘understood’ though, as if via 4th, that she was telling someone that she had found what seemed like the doorway for it, and yes she really thought she was right. I think it might have been another call after, not sure, but she started writing something down while talking, info gotten from the person on the phone. There was a substance, and a needle size and a daily dosage and injection point, that she seemed to be acting like was the solution for it.

I had a massive abreaction — muscle jerk body-wide, both legs. When my brain came back from the overwhelm reset and I got back to paying attention to her, she said something else I didn’t hear and then I had this overwhelming itching on my left leg like pain level, groaning crying-out level of itching, and I went absolutely nuts working it out. As I finally finished scratching I thought: wait, is this avoidance?? I got back to her and then just as I arrived, I had another sudden itch-fest of insanity.

I finally got back to her yet again and I told my mind to mark her and her notes, so I could work on coming back to them when I was much clearer in-state, and maybe might hear it clearly or see it clearly as I could do neither now, not even close. Damn it.

My mind then started insisting this was ridiculous and I was making it up and surely treating it wouldn’t be approached like that anyway and maybe I just made all this up to keep me occupied or give me some reason to pay attention to her.

Then I had this memory of a meditation I had where I’d dismissed something that turned out to be a man I didn’t know but saw pretty clearly, in his workplace which was also totally novel, and the Aeons were irritated and they basically implied/said you get ALL this novelty and so clearly and you’re still thinking you’re consciously inventing it by accident?! Like there was nothing they could do to make me happy or trusting of my experience, I guess. I figured I was given that memory as a note for this too, which actually was similar in terms of being pretty clear and totally novel in many ways.

When the woman was done with the call and writing stuff down, Queen said that was all, that is what she wanted me to sit in on and I was done. So I left. Then I realized I would forget this very promptly if I didn’t write it down — I could feel so much resistance — so I stopped to write this. (The foregoing is greatly upgraded from many days later, since I could barely get myself to write an outline at the time.)

It was Senior’s turn. I couldn’t get through 30 seconds of breathing with him, instead I whined and cried for help with health until I finally actually apologized in frustration for being so pathetic. Breathed with the Four briefly and moved on.

Never got farther, so over a day later I had to just start all over again. Took me eons and repeatedly just to get through breathing with 3rd, Queen and Senior. Eventually it was just sheer grim determination.


I took Sun with me to the chakra-gem world and did a chakra med there and then imagined sitting in his arms and him sending energy through each of my chakras from behind and me sending it out front. I worked on not thinking of them as inanimate vortexes but instead that I was giving them the energy to do with what they wished, although I requested they use some of it for healing our body and some for creative light in my world.

I got frustrated because I didn’t feel like I had any connection to ‘the energy coming out the front’ so to speak if I couldn’t “push it through” to there myself, but a previous blog post I’d reread was real clear on them expecting recognition as identities not just inanimate whirling energy. Finally I just started talking aloud to the group of them.

Me: I’m really working on not treating you like objects, but as identities. But when I imagine just giving you the energy, Sun pouring it into me and me accepting it on your behalf and into you, I don’t have the same sense of ‘pushing it through’ that I do if I’m thinking of you as just energy things, and getting it out the front is kind of the point of this exercise I think.

Them: What makes you think you were ever pushing energy through us?

Me: Well I — um. Well because I intended to.

Them: Nothing happens through us without our intent.

Me: But I would sense it on the other side, and —

Them: You can simply accept that the energy is flowing through us and we are choosing to send it through the other side, as you call it.

Me: But how do I know you choose that, or are doing that?

Them: When you attune to it, you will feel it. But you know it the same way you knew it when you did these practices previously. You “accepted” it was so. Accept it now.

Me: But it’s different when it’s an identity instead of an object. I accepted it before because I was doing it, but now you guys are —

Them: Nothing has changed. This is as it ever was. You are no more or less doing something “to” or “through” us today than you were in the time you are thinking of, no matter how you thought of it then or now.

Alrighty then…

Later in the prep I had several bouts of tears, talking to Mark, and a lot of angry ranting. At one point, I pulled myself back from that and remembered Sun telling me, “The sword is love, not anger” one day, and me arguing that I had accomplished many things through getting angry, like it fed my will or something, and him correcting me that I accomplished those things despite anger, not because of it. I suddenly wondered why that might be.

Kyana Daoen (SP chakra): Because love gives me energy from above, and adds to me. Anger pulls energy from below, and so drains it from me.

Oh. Well that’s interesting…

I went back to talking to Mark and at one point, I was getting really pitiful, in my oh my god I’m going to die of health issues I don’t have much time angst. Sobbing, I said:

Me: Mark, I am just itty bitty next to you. I am so tiny! So small and so short-lived! My little life has hardly anything left of it, you see? I need, I neeeeeeed, to have better integration with you, for my spirit but also for my health, and I need it soon in my time, or it will be too late for me. I know the Aeons tried when the time came and I was rude. And I know you presented yourself and I reacted with such fear, and I’m so sorry I screwed up that opportunity! {I had to stop and really cry harder here.} But Mark, I’m mortal ok, I’m working on it, please, please give me another chance. Please give me whatever prep could help me and then please, please give me another chance to face that fear and meet your energy and accept it unto me, I beg of you. Please will you do this for me? Will you —

Mark: Yes.

Me: allow me to — wait, what? Yes?! {I stopped crying abruptly.}

Mark: Yes.

Me: oh. Oh! Oh my God that’s wonderful!

Mark: Stay with the Four.

Me: Ok. I will. I will! Oh thank you! Thank you!

So ever since, I have repeatedly visualized being with the Four and breathing them in.

I think there might have been more I was supposed to blog, but as I managed to procrastinate writing anything else down until, let’s see, after 4am Thursday as it is, by now I have forgotten whatever else there might have been.