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Once upon a time when I moved into this house, I bought this cute, tiny little loveseat (very tiny) for the kitchen. I had these little daydreams of sitting there reading a book while food cooked, for example. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite fit. Furniture showrooms are so gigantic that one’s sense of proportion is totally lost. And I hadn’t thought to measure, since the idea only occurred to me in the showroom. I was never able to use it there alas.

I still someday hope to have either a large kitchen or a somewhat combined room, not separated by a wall, where comfortable seating can slightly overlook the cooking area. I guess that will have to be added to the significant list of home-things that I occasionally daydream about but which the odds are pretty well against my ever having unless some belief system change significantly affects my wealth factor.

Now I have wall units and a huge hanging pot rack and so on… in a little 10×11 space and that includes all the appliances and counters and cabinets… my kitchen is nearly as crowded as most closets. The irony is that I seldom use my kitchen which has every gizmo I could want, and in fact maybe due to Leptin issues from being super-sized, have very little appetite at all. It just occurred to me that my kitchen is an interesting analogy to my body as I wrote that, but moving on…

I will not stand around bored, so the problem is, I walk away if I am not actively doing something. And my living room doesn’t have much in common with, well, rooms you live in — it is more a storage warehouse than a living room, which also just now occurs to me is a sort of analogy for my body, but again, moving on…

Walking away while dinner cooks is high on the list of “things most likely to cause you to space out and burn dinner.” Especially if, like me, you have one of those ‘focus’ attention spans. The minute I shift into paying attention to Thing-B, Thing-A falls  completely out of my universe. So if I walk back into my room where all my toys are (…) dinner is history.

In the name of getting all the way through a not-very-burned dinner, I put a folding chair in the kitchen. Now, when I’ve finished doing the immediate things–I can just sit down and wait, keeping an eye on the stove.

This has had all kinds of humorous side effects because for the most part, I am not DO-ing anything during this period. Which means that I am basically THINK-ing during that period.

I know. You were probably wondering what the hell this has to do with metaphysics, philosophy or meditation. Well, that’s it, you see. A good number of my most serious insights of the past have actually come to me during the rare moments when I was able to (a) shut the hell up and (b) stay still, at the same time, while NOT doing anything else.

I am thinking that in Palyne feng-shui, “a chair in the kitchen brings mystical insight.” Maybe this is how some of that offbeat stuff comes about.

*

Recently, I’ve been useless. Just working. Not meditating, not exercising, not even working on the dojo or Remote Viewing stuff, really not a damn thing of value to anybody for anything except the corporation that pays me, which is designed to function with me like a mutual tango but mostly functions like a sucking chest wound.

More concerning, I just… I lost it. A lot of it. The sense of grounding. Of balance. Of interest, frankly, in anything. Some time ago I had this insight about my closet and even some comments from the PO and both basically said I was losing it, would let go of it if my focus didn’t change. It didn’t change. And I let go, mostly, it appears.

I even lost my sense of ‘truth’ which is difficult to explain, but led to about 3 weeks recently of my having to really focus and carefully struggle not to find myself lying about everything, constantly–I mean exaggerations, and changes for the sake of whimsy or wording or entertainment on the fly, things like that. Like everything became completely flexible and irrelevant. It was so confusing, until I realized it was an anchor that I had lost. I didn’t use to have to TRY because the anchor was in place.

*

I have this visual or conceptual model of Truth as an energy in our world.

Imagine a sphere. Like the planet but a little smaller. It’s made of energy and it has this connection with everything that is ‘moving around’ on the surface–much ‘more luminous’ in the case of living things, and even moreso in the case of biological things–that is almost “magnetic” the way there is a clear connection and influence too, but things can move around without being physically connected (‘hardwired’). In fact, you know those little movies of the Sun, where those little filaments are always massively moving about on the surface? Well I think the sphere of truth here actually looks just like that, but on the energetic level.

Now on the surface level, the larger sphere, there is this… layer, or a few of them, that are pretty flat, what you might say is just like the surface of our planet. The layers are also connected to the energy sphere, but they are like a “skin” for it. They mostly keep the energy IN the way our skin keeps the heat and fluids in our bodies. There are some ‘orifices’ and areas where heat dissipates more, where the skin is thinner, or where energy from inside is released to the outside–or for some reason, just seems a lot more ‘available’. Key locations where energy is stronger. That is kind of like a ‘place’ that has a greater ‘anchoring connection’ to the energy-sphere of truth that is under the surface of the layers. You gotta reach “through” the surface layers to pull it up into this world.

I think people can be this. Can sort of help connect the energy, be inputs and outlets. Can spend enough time anchoring from the kundalini into the center of earth and from the crown into the center of the galaxy, like there is a  ‘superstring’ that connects from somewhere around Sirius A to somewhere around earth’s core and it goes right through the middle of them and it is actually they who make this possible–who “hold the light” so to speak–whose focus connects the energy on either side through their middle. And when they move around on the surface of earth, it looks like those Tesla balls, where the lightning stays connected between two surfaces.

The ‘layers’ both thick and thin that area floating on the surface of the sphere, the ones that mostly-seal in the energy, I think of like “flotsam and jetsam” whatever that is. They are a world of their own. Maybe this is what some ancients would have called the world of illusion, that actually fits pretty well. Prior experiences related to Truth suggested that it’s not that the events of these layers are wrong or right, true or untrue. It’s more like they’re just not applicable either way.

These layers are most of ordinary life on the skin of the sphere. “I went shopping” and “it might rain today.” The things aren’t truth in the capital T, ‘connected with the energy of All That Is / I AM underneath.’  They are not lies though, the sudden increase in opacity and non-conductivity of a human, who gets closer to being a rubber stopper instead of a lightning rod the farther they are from Truth. Instead, those things are basically things that “belong to the skin world,” that exist within the layers or levels of that skin. Everything we think of that is ACCURATE — but is not ‘Truth’ — is here.

Another observation from a prior experience related to Truth, is that this is an energy which humans need because it literally feeds us on some level; but when people truly lose connection with it, the side-effect is a huge increase in how powerfully they focus on what is ‘accurate’ in that surface level. It’s like the surface-dimension of Truth, not the real thing but the closest thing they can get to it, so they just obsess on it. From the techno-jargon of RV lunatics to the over-literal of the scoffers in science, it’s easy to see around us.

To the degree we connect to the energy below and above, we are like trees. To the degree we merely operate in the floating flotsam levels of the skin, living slightly off the bare energy we can mine from the surface, we are more like skin mites, or just critters en masse wandering around on the skin with no particular affect.

OK that didn’t end up a very pretty picture in the end, but it matches how it’s intuitively modeled in me. The more ‘connected’ one is to Truth — to the energy of the core, the sphere that spawned our avatars, and to the energy of the source, the something that spawned all that is — the more one is like a tree, an ‘anchoring that goes deep’ and serves as the lightning rod in that Tesla universe, a connecting point, a “conductive” point. One brings energy from below up into this world of the skin, the surface illusion of sorts. One even brings energy from above down into it. Ideally, one pulls in both and they blend in the human and then… that human is like a beacon, a light. I didn’t really mean this in a poetic or new age way but in a pretty literal if metaphysical way — but I guess it works.

Maybe, real evolution is of the entire layer, bringing sufficient energy, conductivity, to the flotsam/jetsam skin-like layers that the opacity and sealing is finally burned through so to speak, and suddenly the luminous energy of the core has come fully through, and then everything is energy — and the sphere is a little bit bigger.

If the Four et al. hadn’t put so much of the cosmos as a model in my tiny little brain, I would not have this problem where nearly everything I model eventually ends up sounding more like cosmology than spirituality. Like they’re the same thing.

*

Well I realized I had lost my anchoring to Truth. Not saying I was any kind of wise outpost to begin with frankly but I could feel it, at least. I never realized quite how much I felt it until I lost it.

I actually noticed I was missing something but I couldn’t articulate it. And I was tired and burned out on work and not paying enough attention anyway. Maybe I’d still be wondering, if the first side effects of losing the anchor hadn’t become more apparent all the sudden, when my “integrity in communications” suddenly collapsed and I found myself distorting nearly everything I said in some way. Some people would say it doesn’t matter, because it was little stuff, I wasn’t really lying about anything of import, some might even argue it was merely a ‘phrasing’ or a ‘reframing’ in many cases.

It matters.

Every time I would notice it, it would startle me and I would realize it was all over in my life, that my words were creating a layer of chaos, like “white noise” of verbage, of sound, was the energetic effect. Finally I realized that under the surface of attention, I had seldom had to “try” before because the connection was automatic, the integrity was automatic, that near-‘magnetic’ connection to some energy underneath, ‘reaching through and under’ to pull up what IS in capitals… that was gone.

I noticed and didn’t do anything about it. It got a little worse. And then one day, I ‘felt for Truth’ which is difficult to explain — and I couldn’t feel it. Not even with TRYING anymore. It was like I was in a boat lost at sea, chaotically thrown about the surface with no anchor.

It occurred to me this might be how a lot of people feel all the time. I noticed with mild curiosity that things ‘from this level’ which caused me some kind of emotion suddenly became a bigger deal, something I sought out more. I realized the word “shallow” fits pretty well here. I could easily see myself sliding into one of those people who just works and watches sitcoms and news and focuses on nothing but things in this skin-world. It felt distant.

Like some deeper parts of me were screaming to get out but I had them firmy locked into that soundproof recording booth with their faces pressed to the glass and their fists pounding and mouths moving had no effect on me at all.

*

I started praying constantly. “Divine Will!” I would call like someone’s name, my mind would say it without me, dragging me into the prayer as if more than me were involved and someone else was starting it, and then I would beg to be pulled back into the line, back into ‘alignment with my superstring’ as I sometimes think of it. I still didn’t really feel it. But I prayed like this many times a day anyway.

I had nearly a voice–a ‘translates as that’ effect anyway–speak to me one day. I wrote it down and can’t find that now but it said something like, “A ship is not supposed to sail without a rudder.” And there were these concepts wound in, like that was actually the ‘translation’ of a whole thoughtball that came through symbolically. Showing how I would let myself go without the sense of ‘connection to a fundamental intent for direction from underneath’. I recognized it as feeling similar to the ‘blown about on the surface’ feeling I’d had previously… it was essentially the same thing.

I went back to praying. I still felt not much if anything during it, though.

I remembered someone (on the inside) once suggesting to me that the effort to break through, to feel, to make hard meditations happen, was necessary. That some things took genuinely REALLY TRYING on my part, that the emotional Oomph of frustration of really reaching in, of staying with it adamantly, was important, was simply necessary in order to make it all happen.

Maybe that’s what this means, I thought to myself. I’ve lost truth. I can’t feel prayer. It’s like I’m in spiritual purgatory, caused by not paying attention. You get what you focus on. Great. So I’ve got a lot of digital production for my job in my life. I just don’t have anything under that skin-world surface. But why? Why create that?

*

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I understood it, mostly, when I woke up.

In the dream there was a man who was a son, and he had about a dozen people with him (the Aeons and the 3rd, I believe that’s my symbols). They/we were in this multi-storied house (my body and energy body). And they were doing something, he was trying, but it was letting massive water in (spirit/energy, that is my symbol). And that was how it was supposed to work, actually, but he hadn’t finished preparing the house for it.

The house was getting these deep major cracks in it, which I associated with the rifts that come into ice shelves before they start calving off. I needed to tell him that he couldn’t just go under water yet, and he couldn’t have that much water in his house without preparing it more first, it would be a disaster, the structure was just not of sufficient integrity to hold it.

I woke up understanding that this was telling me that my body and energy body were not ready for the kind of applied metaphysics I wanted to do; my structure did not have the integrity, which has more than one level of meaning of course; and that this was, in part, an answer to “why”: why my focus changed.

Because I could choose to focus on the growth I needed for that integrity. Or not. And I chose not, apparently.

So, a short ways down the road, I just realized the path I’d taken.

*

Last night I was staring into space. Sitting in the kitchen on the folding chair with nothing to do for awhile. Not really thinking of anything. Then I idly began thinking about, Why did this happen, when I know that I was so focused on good things before? Why am I lost in the void? Work isn’t coincidence. If my reality sucks me into work like a whirlpool, I’m causing that on some level. Why is it sucking me in? Why don’t I have a reality focused instead on my many other areas of life–creativity and stuff?

I thought idly of the most major thing in my spiritual life that I’ve avoided. It comes back in massive, overwhelming dreams and even meditation stuff sometimes, and I move on. It’s the Senior. His energy. I’m not integrated with it and I’m in avoidance of it. In practice, in the symbols of the skin-world, this is leadership, this is accepting responsibility. I don’t know that it would actually mean having to DO that in practice in this reality (which I used to assume), but that is the energy.

I am the service. I have gone through that. The 3rd is the courage, the action, Captain and Explorer, and other things. I have gone through that, via him. He is my Aries, I sometimes think. The Queen is the compassion and passion, the healer and creator and other things. I have gone through that, via her. The Senior is I AM. He’s… well, he’s the King. He’s the God of our Four, even though of course we are only facets of other larger things.

So far, I have run into rejecting that energy, running away, and having some sudden close encounter with him and then my world literally or figuratively falls apart. The day my inner world dramatically changed without my having anything to do with it that I could feel, was right after I saw him more clearly than I felt I ever had. The time I had that horrible ‘crucifixion’ archetypal experience with the Four was just after I had seen him more closely–and it was his energy I worked with months later when I finally was able to drag myself into the wasteland of my inner world, and Brin and my IG of the time managed to piece me back together again. I think there are other things, my mind tells me that there are “recurring cycles” of this that I have been oblivious to but were the same energy pattern.

There was  a dream once that I blogged. Where a zillion times over and over, as if I experienced it in a countless number of probability ways based on lives in this world, “the Christ came unto me” and I “understood” that it was my destiny to take a leadership role in a given situation (music, war, business, family, community, everything imaginable was in the dream). I only realize now while writing this, that this was not just the Senior’s energy. This is the energy of THE FOUR of us — all of those worlds, those energies, those identities — combined. I have avoided the Four, after all these years, because I was to the point (long ago) where I needed to finish integrating the energy of the Senior. I’ve avoided this… so I’ve avoided them.

I shrugged, sitting in the kitchen. Ah so what. Ok I’m not ready for that particular energy yet. So what does this affect? It means I don’t do as well or whatever I likely would/should/could in my physical life, right. So instead of doing something meaningful for a living I’m managing production of e-Widgets. Or whatever.

*

And after another little bit sitting mindlessly in the chair, I understood it finally. I never thought of this before.

This sounds so simple but it affected me so profoundly that I was clutching my gut and feeling slightly sick, not so much nauseated as if someone had literally just “punched me in the gut” and almost knocked the wind out of me.

Not integrating with Senior has implications far beyond what I do in daily life or for work. It is a required integration before certain degrees of strength, integrity, and further growth can occur.

Attempting to continue work, like with the Largers, while not accepting this and learning from it and working through it, is not just poor timing, it’s deadly. Physically. Even spiritually at least in the sense of literally ‘cracking into pieces” and all the work it would take to put myself back together–possibly a zillion more lives before I get back to the point of consciously knowing my Aeons and the Four, for example.

Some of them are heavy in his energy and they will “calve off” like the ice shelves, not accessible to me so directly anymore, if I don’t step back in the ring and walk into that energy.

I am in “cognitive dissonance.” That’s why I’m creating a reality where I work all the time. Where even when I’m not working, I’m a space cadet. The PO warned me way back when, and he was right. That I could end up walking away. Losing connections I had made.

There comes a time on any path where you can’t just stay still. You have to make a commitment. You are already in motion, in momentum, and the road moves too. If you don’t choose the high road, let’s call it in this analogy, you are still by default making a choice for the other road.

I’m on the other path, somewhere down the road, and the one I know I want to be on is barely in sight in the distance. I need to go back to the fork and make a conscious decision. It means some backtracking but if I don’t want to continue on this road, where I get further and further from feeling any ‘connection’ to Truth, to the Divine, to my Aeons, to the Four, almost none of whom I even think about any more and which seem like distant fiction most the time… I have to go back and deal with Senior’s energy. I have to resolve the cognitive dissonance. Because it forces denial, avoidance.

I can’t feel it. But I understand that’s part of the side-effect of what I’ve done to myself. Nothing feels physical or real anymore.

*

Fortunately for the sake of my destiny, I put a folding chair in the kitchen.

P