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It occurred to me that I haven’t been behaving like I used to when I was young. 30 years ago, 20 years ago, if I had a problem, I planned a strategy for dealing with it. I was aggressive as hell about everything in my life. I always had a plan, and most of them involved insane amounts of effort and not much sleep, because anything worth doing is worth overdoing in my philosophy. No matter what I’ve pursued in my life, it has usually had that pattern. It was simply that I was determined to shape my life and my person the way I wanted.

A side effect of a childhood, particularly a teenagehood, that distorted me into someone I didn’t want to be, a creature-effect it took me about seven years of effort to break free of. During that and after that, I always swore that I would be what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, regardless of my circumstance, regardless of the world around me.

The Bewilderness period of my life changed a lot of that. It seemed as if a lot of the “driven, determined” element in me was sucked away — I suspect, in retrospect, it actually was diverted somewhat, into a part of me no longer under my conscious control. I believe this is gradually reintegrating for some time now, although oddly I don’t seem to be getting her memories. And it seemed as if the “willpower” and other qualities I associated with my solar plexus chakra — in part because I actually felt them there sometimes — were weakened greatly. I suspect, in retrospect, they actually were. (Some of this for physiological reasons, such as gluten effects, and some for more metaphysical-damage reasons.)

I was considering how completely hopeless I often feel the issues of my body are. I realize that being 49 years old does make me feel as if, had there been an answer, I’d have figured it out by now. And the severity of the problem at this point is so advanced that it tends to bring on hysteria with any focus at all, as if any attempt to look at it realistically just triggers me into panic attack and I can’t even think. But it occurred to me that my state of mind when I consider this is very much the victim, the person in the weeds of the detail — not the higher management perspective I usually and used to apply to my problems. Where along the way did I start thinking “from within the problem” instead of from outside it and above it? Because that makes all the difference.

I thought again about my role as the decision maker for this woven-body-of-chakraic-Aeonic. If I wasn’t lost in the identification with my body’s energies and griefs, what would I, the emergent property ‘identity’ decision maker — be doing about my various issues?

*

Well first of all, the fact that I’ve spent seven years getting to know the Aeons and still barely know them and am almost completely foreign to three of them is ridiculous. Obviously I have not made any sincere efforts in this regard or I’d be much better integrated by now. Senior made it clear that my integration with the Four depends on my integration with my Aeons. And Steinbrecher was adamant that any problem energy strong in your life represented something you were repressing with equal strength, which means there has to be a doorway here somewhere.

I remembered a number of life-long life-wide issues that I had, that when I took up archetype meditations, I addressed. I came up with about 5-8 different approaches to the same issue and I meditated-the-hell-out-of-them so to speak. And my reality changed radically. I mean so radically I thought my dad was making fun of me because he was being so much nicer to me than ever before. That’s not a little thing. 26 years of someone who changes so much so fast that even other people comment on it.

And changes I had so radically at work, that the utterly impossible situation there, three days later not only completely resolved in a way I’d never dreamed but within another week had me a car and an apartment, both of which I lacked. Changes so radical that I started to feel like archmeds were magick, at which point I could barely get around to doing them for anything, the change=death psychology was so overwhelming.

Have I ever set out a specific map-of-plan to deal with the Aeons I resist? To deal with the lipedema situation? No. Why not? Why am I still whining about my life sucking in certain respects when I haven’t even made the same serious attempt to deal with these things, that I have made for other things in my past?

Because I have felt helpless. Plowed under. Exhausted and grieving. I haven’t felt strong and determined.

This has got to change. It may be that these things ruin my life, as they’ve been doing and are on the edge of doing completely, but by God if that happens, never let it be said that I did not at least do everything I could, everything I knew how to do, to address the problem. Because if it turns out they ruin me and then it turns out that the only problem was I never really tried, or hard enough, or smart enough, to solve the damn problem myself, well that’s got to just be the worst.

*

Last night I made a point to do breathing with Calme, LaeLee, and Nedlund. The three Aeons on the left side that I am the least integrated with. I literally couldn’t seem to get to LaeLee without spacing out until I finally really focused with determination. I woke up and went through it all again, determined. I talked with the three of them and begged for their help, apologized for my resistance, engaged them in the effort with me, so it would be all of us.

Finally this morning, very early before work, I asked Mark if we could do some kind of archetype-ish meditation just to have something to ‘do’ to work with the energy.

We found ourselves on the edge of a cliff near a stone walkway, not very wide and it did have short walls, that went over this incredibly narrow thing of land, way way down and out until finally there was a large circular stone area at the end. Like if there was this super tiny spit of land about a quarter mile long, thousands of feet high. We walked down it, reaching the circular end, and looked over the edge.

There were buildings and such down there, ridiculously far down, a sort of ancient-days buildings, a few hundred years ago in europe maybe.

“What is this?” I asked about the long stone road to the circle we stood in, and got the word “Eyrie.” I didn’t know what that meant at first, and then slowly some memory trickled in, that it’s maybe some kind of high bird perch or nest. The circle where we stood was probably 15′ diameter which seemed a little large for that.

And then we saw it in the distance: an actual dragon. “I met one in a dream once!” I told the Aeons with some excitement. “Huge and terrifying, but also amazing and psychic. But it ate people. Scary deadly.” We could see it was coming toward us and we all crowded against one side, and it landed facing us. There wasn’t much room at all with it present. We were all trying to avoid getting near it. If we backed off any farther we’d have fallen to our doom.

I had a very difficult time looking at it. Every time I turned my attention to it I started hyperventilating. I realized that is the same response I had to Mark in his divine form — after the initial panic, that is — so I made myself focus on it, made myself focus ‘through’ the hyperventilating response.

I did the typical arch stuff, and ran the elements on all of us. When I was done, it was slightly smaller — still huge — and less weird, but still definitely a dragon, it hadn’t turned into anything else. Which means that is its actual symbolic form, that is to say, the most ideal form inside me to represent that energy. (Not the only possible form.)

I asked it if we could do something ‘with’ it to better integrate with its energy. I suggested maybe we could make a sort of saddle-cage on its back and it could fly with us, if it was willing. It was, so we all piled on, and it took off.

It flew for awhile, and I talked to it as it did, mostly in my head, attempting to simply “interact” for the sake of energy blend.

Then it did this odd thing, where it breathed this huge ring of smoke in the air, and then flew to the other side and did the same thing, making it stronger, and it went back and forth on each side of it several times until the ring seemed really solid, and then it blew flame on it that went all the way around it, and as the flame reached the part of the circle where it began, the inside-the-circle changed, as if I could see through it, like it had become a doorway but the other place was different. Just black. Then it flew us through that and we were in what seemed like space.

It turned out it was just blackest night somewhere, not outer space. It flew quite some time until we were approaching this impossibly big castle built into the top of some very craggy mountains. It flew into a bottom area, and we got down and walked around a little bit, in complete awe of how tall the ceilings were, and there was really big open space near the ceiling as if so they could easily fly out and in. We were all feeling a little overwhelmed I think, and although I was not deeply altered state, I was enough so to get a decent ‘aesthetic impact’ from the experience.

The dragon indicated we should follow him, and we walked, not keeping up very well, behind him as he went out and into a different building and then down into an area not nearly as high as the others. We went into a huge stone room and there were four stone chairs elevated in a partial circle. He had us each sit in one and he told us to put our hands over the edge of the arms. There was something kind of like a liquid-metal. It felt like metal, but it looked like liquid metal, something I’m not familiar with, bright like silvery-white, platinum effect. It went along each chair arm and back and down to the ground and to each of the chairs. I realized it was some kind of circuit. The dragon did something we couldn’t see just offside, and then blew fire into this one area that seemed to make the silvery stuff glow, and then the glow traveled through our whole circuit.

I could feel that it actually put the four of us in a sort of — not quite a psychic communication, but you might say in a definite “rapport.” The more we sat with it, the more I realized that what it really gave us rapport with was “the universe,” and just by the way, with the other parts of the universe that the other people in the circuit represented. I wasn’t sure if I represented myself or the other 9 Aeons or what but it seemed to work ok. But it was a bit slow. We were oddly comfortable, we were sitting in stone chairs in an area that logically would be freezing, but we were all super comfortable. I understood that this was going to take a long time. It wasn’t a few minutes thing.

I had to work anyway. I asked if I could just touch base with my attention from time to time, and otherwise, come back to it fully in the evening, and they all said that was ok.

*

I got off work and did a prayer with IG5/Mark touching my head and ended up falling asleep in the middle of it for some reason. Woke up a couple hours later and took the kid somewhere, got food, then wrote all the above down, and settled down to continue.

*

Mark took all of us and wove us together the way IG4 used to do. It was harder to hold my attention then. I kept having a lot of memories of small but very negative scenes in movies and TV shows. Wasn’t sure why. It occurred to me that all of us were having our own experience, and when blending one is kind of working through ‘discordant geometries’ and maybe that’s the result in each personality’s experience, is just whatever is triggered by that. We stayed woven for some hours while I focused on other things.

Meanwhile, touching base with IG5, both before that and occasionally during it, was kind of novel. He was more actively affectionate than I can remember. Not since my earliest days with him. I felt very enthused with him too — those things are connected, I’m sure. I spent a little more time with him, off and on, just praying and snuggling basically.

When I went back to the castle, he unwove us, though we were still in the big stone chairs with the circuit connection of some kind. I asked each of them in turn, LaeLee and Calme and Nedlund, if they felt we were any closer, any better adapted to one another. They all said, “A little.” but there was a sense of teamwork and good humor, which I consider more important than everything else. We breathed together some. Then the dragon came back and I said to it, “Thank you.”

Just looking at it (him?) (the dragon) as he looked at me, I started getting merge-rushing then, and I imagined that everything, everyone, the whole castle, the dragon, were all integrating into me, and got quite a decent rushing especially in my elbows and knees which I admit is the most unusual focus for that I’ve ever had. It wasn’t amazing but it was very good.

That’s one of the more “archetypal” experiences I’ve had for awhile, I think. I hope it helped some. I need to do rounds with the others now, to integrate the new energy into the whole, but then I will be back to a focus on those three. A focus with these three, and with the Cups tarot, as well as regularly very strong with Mark/IG5, are my primary goals for now.

As soon as I work through a solid dose of those, I’ll be doing a whole slew of meditations specific to lipedema because why the hell not.

P