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For goddssakes. Seriously, what IS it with the ‘guides’ thing? How retarded does this make me sound having to blog about it?

Not like I haven’t been in total denial. I nearly forgot it then I avoided blogging about it, and just realized I’d better do so before I really DO forget and there’s probably some internal penalty I’d pay for doing so…

I listened to bineural stuff for quite some time. Then I decided to meditate. I wanted to meditate on the 4th of 4 of the Knight of Wands archetype… talk about overdue. I finally get to Inner Guide and IG takes my hands and I suddenly have this overwhelming idea, “Wait, wait. I shouldn’t just ask for this thing I spent 20 minutes repeatedly bringing myself back to meditate on. I should ask IG if SHE has any ideas!”

I know she put this in my head. It’s impossible to be mad at her though.

“Oh fine,” I say with some humor. “Do you have something for me to meditate on first?” She did. Imagine that.

Before I even turned around I knew it was another guide, another of the (16?) group that is Nero, Taan, Bolehren, and Marcan so far. I was kinda MAD about it. How can I avoid them if she keeps putting them in my face?? And why do I NEED to meet them, anyway? So what if I never know their name, how is it helping me? I don’t really even understand all the relationship very well anyway. It’s just confusing to me. So what difference does it make?

I glare at a man behind me. Unlike archetypes there is nothing wrong with him… this is usually a clue. He is about 6’5″ to 7′ tall, so a bit unusually tall.

“Are you an archetype?” I ask him suspiciously.

A pause. Then he says, “Yes.” As he said this, into my head came a variety of visuals, like symbolic geometric shapes, as if anything he said somehow had a whole shape-based core meaning… very odd.

But I didn’t believe him. Not like I think a guide would (could??) lie to me but I can’t recall, in 18 years of doing archetype meditations now and then, anybody ever doing so. So he had to be for real an archetype.

I call in the Water of Love to rain down on him and clean/heal/improve/etc. him, but I have the odd feeling it’s doing nothing. It’s like a ghost standing in the rain… unaffected. So I go up inches from him and have it rain hard down on both of us. I really focus on the visualization and imagine I’m soaking wet and that part goes pretty well (thanks to bineural beats for awhile first!). I look up at him, and I say suspiciously,

“You’re SO lying. You’re a guide, aren’t you.”

He admits it. “Yes.” Into my head comes another bizarre visual, as if the meaning has shape inside me and it rolls out into something.

“Why did you say you were an archetype?” I complained.

(Into my head comes the realization, I think from IG, that all he actually had said was “yes”.)

“Because if I’d said I was a guide you were going to leave immediately. I thought if you considered me an archetype you would stay around a little and work with me, and I could make some connection.” (All kinds of visualizations come with this. It’s so bizarre.)

(I guess if there is ever a question about whether guides can lie — or at least mislead — the answer is apparently yes. Though I have the feeling he was telling the truth through the ‘shapes’ inside.)

“What is your name?” I say with a weary sigh.

Ithikah“Ithikah.” Inside me I see a shape roll straight down then out near the bottom then back up and out near the top and it looks like a cross or t with two crosses, one about 3/5 near bottom and one 3/5 near top. That was his name. Like the symbol that ‘meant’ his name, and the word ‘Ithikah’ (spelled it as I ‘felt’ right) was a much shallower ‘version’ of that shape.

Later I googled it. Ithikah doesn’t exist, apparently, but Ithica is a city in New York, the original name being a place in Greece.

Ithikah and Nero? — greek and roman? — what is this? I have ZERO interest in greek stuff or roman stuff. And that dream recently, about the archeology site, which actually tied into a dream I had a few years ago of living at that site — that feels like something from the greco-roman era. This reminds me of how when I had zero interest in Egyptian stuff I had all kinds of symbolism from it. Well now I have zero interest in Greek or Roman stuff yet my guides sure seem to be in that mold. Isn’t ‘Marcus’ some kind of Roman name too? [Later edit: It’s Marcan. He said he used Marcus so it would be more familiar and easier for me to ‘get’ initially.)

And why would it make sense that a ‘guide’ was from anywhere, anyway? If the whole point is that we are many people, then why would a… geez, what ARE guides? Spirits? Entities? Just aspects-of-self? Fragments of your oversoul? I have no idea. But why would they need to be any given one of those identities? And again, why do I need to know? Name one useful thing that “meeting” my guides is doing for me, besides making me sound even stupider and crazier to people who read my blog.

I did ask him what he did with me. I didn’t really hear/get what he said. I thought he said, “public perception”, but there were all these shapes rolling out in my head every time he spoke and I got distracted. When I refocused on him I said, “No, I’m pretty sure Bolehren does that or something like it she said. Can’t imagine why I need two guides for it; can’t even imagine why I need one frankly. He tried to say something else to me, I could feel he was trying to explain, but I couldn’t hear him. I realized I was irked about meeting yet another of the group and closing him off.

I wish I could explain why this bothers me so. It just BUGS me! I feel intellectually like I should be fascinated and spending lots of time meditating and getting to know them and golly isn’t that groovy but instead I just feel frustrated and exasperated and like I don’t want to DEAL with it at all. Like it just completely trods on some boundary issue for me, pushes my buttons, and it makes me kinda mad — not angry but some emotion close to that (maybe internal panic lol) — every time I deal with it. It’s like it’s a belief system I don’t have yet. I don’t really BELIEVE in guides yet. I still think people talking about it sounds like grapenuts (fruits, nuts and flakes). Yet there it is dammit, like standing in the middle of my reality, and it’s not going away! I have the clear feeling that IG is trying to force a change in my belief system, and I know it’s for my own good, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I was irked about all of it. I closed the meditation. I went to see IG and I started to tell her about how it pissed me off that she keeps springing some new extension-of-self-guide on me. But before I can rant at her, this huge understanding comes into my mind of how much she loves me and how she is very wise and she is doing what needs doing and it is, in fact, exactly what I want, if only I were clearer with myself, with my higher self, so I understood it is really what I want.

(This reminds me of a time circa 1994 when I was on my knees literally shouting at God, seriously pissed off about something I can’t even remember, something my reality was forcing on me and I DID NOT WANT dammit, when I had this understanding hit me that in fact it was exactly, profoundly, what I wanted, and only my stubborn shallow perception was keeping me from seeing that.)

I realize that she has ‘given’ me this perception. How can I be mad at her. She’s awesome. I love her so and she’s so great for me no matter how much I gripe about her. So I just end it.

I kinda tried to forget about it. Then talking to my boyfriend on the phone I remembered suddenly. I tried to forget it after that when I realized I needed to blog it. Sigh.

Both Nero and IG told me that at least once a day I should imagine that I am holding the hands of each guide and that we are freely exchanging energy.

I don’t really know why. The vague impression I got was that the more I was connected with them consciously, the more of their power I had available to me and the more they could actively help and cause change in my life. It sounds good on paper. But I still don’t really understand clearly how this help would come about.

I told my BF that I just wanted my spiritual life to make sense.

“Not bloody likely,” he said dryly. I suppose he’s right.