For a few weeks I had significant passive-aggressive, avoidant and otherwise problematic behavior concerning sleep and especially work. My job is hugely important to me, and being an incredibly productive and positive worker is a big focus. Anything that interferes with that is a problem.
Once, long ago (summer 2009), I had this same problem and in frustrated rage one day, I literally tackled and tied up the ‘representative part of me that was resisting’ and imprisoned her for awhile, in Binding Meditations. I eventually went back and released her and sent good energy.
I felt, last week, that this was necessary again. I was beginning to seriously panic over the seeming psychological self-sabotage and procrastination effects.
So I officially asked for all energies within me that were in conflict of my goal of working hard and well and right then, to present themselves. In my imaginal interworlds, they did. I put them all into an unescapable room, and then I made it into a whole castle with entertainment and food so it would be a nice vacation experience for them, as I realized I needed to show them honor and make them guests, not so obviously prisoners, and I told them that I would return for a formal negotiation with them within some days.
Oddly, not only did I suddenly have a massively better day for work than I’d had in weeks, but I had a lot more energy too. It actually struck me as likely that when there is great resistance internally, we are spending a lot of our energy in the constant battle. Energy we would have in our lives were our internal energies more in accord.
I intended to get this resolution effort done by today, so I finally had to get to it. I had intended to simply talk with them, but perhaps due to some recent fiction I read (the Kindle 8-book Guardians of the Word series, which I really liked), it seemed to abruptly morph into something vastly more formal and extensive. That felt a little bit like when the formerly-winged-guy fully blended into me and sometimes things would just abruptly “be” as if I’d done them but not the part of me I normally recognize.
But I felt as if it needed to be this, not just for now but even as a sort of thoughtform structure going forward, so I accepted that.
I felt suddenly moved to invite various ‘groupings of the larger me’ to become ‘council’ groups, each of them, that if there were conflicts my negotiations did not resolve, they would have the say in what was done. The council groups ended up being 11, for now:
Aeons, the Powers (chakras), the Glories and Tek, Guides (a bit of an ‘everything not covered by something else’ group), the Four and True-Self and Monde as one group, the Solar System (local cosmology), the Elements (‘manifest geometry’), Tarot, Language (to include communication as an archetype), Numbers, and Manifest Patterns (‘my personal reality’). For whatever reason, that is what seemed appropriate.
I went to each of them and said variations on:
Hello. I respect you. I officially invite you to come as a group to my council meeting meditation. I would be honored by your input and presence.
I said all of this out loud and formally, making my body be part of it.
I did a basic grounding, cleansing, and prayer. I designated myself as both King and Council Leader, however, also fundamentally a Servant of the Council.
This had to be very conscious, with a light on, I had a pencil and paper for notes, but I asked Mark and the Four for help in getting my state of mind to where it was still ‘receptive’ enough for decent interworlds work. Fortunately, a couple of years of mostly very alpha even slightly beta meditation has greatly eased this for me.
I created a thoughtform meeting place — I did not ask the interworlds to participate in this, as that would make it symbolically reflective of what IS (which would change with every event and even during them), and I wanted it to be simply what I wanted it to be, partly for the sake of consistency and building the thoughtform — and it was a large domed circle with sufficient stadium seats to handle everyone.
There were 11 groups of chairs for council on the bottom row, on the flat floor part; and me on a slightly elevated round small stage, like 12 feet diameter, in the center. Everything was white, and the dome ceiling was very high, and windows letting much light in were all around the top of the circular walls. I decided this was a decent thoughtform environment, and the size of the stadium seat areas would vary to meet however many energies chose to present themselves for the meeting.
I officially invited in the council, and then in all the other seats, those energies which had previously presented themselves formally as having conflict. All my communication is spoken aloud, as part of making it more official and also in my physical world.
I officially announced the meeting, stating that the 11 councils would serve as arbitrators for suggestions, input, and if necessary voting. I thanked everyone for attending, and the meeting began.
I promptly felt like throwing up. Literally it felt like energy hit me and hit me in the stomach, to some degree. I got some rushing of energy through my body all over but more in some areas than others. I felt like I have sometimes felt during a particularly gory Tek body meditation, or a very difficult archmed, but those don’t normally have any rushing in the middle of them, during the hard parts.
I decided this was merely a sign that what I was doing was valid, despite how ‘conscious’ I was for it.
I ignored the powerful urge to stop meditating and run into the kitchen and eat, anything, but preferably something filling. I have seen this is my response to a sense of energetic threat, for some reason. I reminded myself this is simply the price you pay for being the responsible party, and I AM responsible, so there it is.
I stated to all that I would work out one or more official ‘goals’ which I felt the conflict centered upon for us to use as focus. We needed something specific, after all, not just my general frustration with the symptoms.
Goal A: I wish to be a powerfully productive worker with a positive reputation throughout my company.
Goal B: I wish to succeed at the goals I set for myself each day.
Goal C: I wish to be 1 will, within Mark/Christ’s will, consolidated and geared to the light.
The first being the most specific, the second being ‘general’ but still physical-reality geared, and the third being specific but energetically geared.
I wrote down a list of the councils in a left column on my paper, with a couple columns, to make notes about any input they might have, if that came up. They are present to provide input only if there is not agreement between me and the energies, or only if they specifically request to chime in.
I wrote down the goals as bullet points below. I chose the first goal A to begin and officially read it aloud to the chamber.
Me: All energies which feel in conflict with this stated goal, please present yourselves.
The stadium seat quantity grew slightly, and a ridiculous number of people were standing, 360 degrees around me. Not all of them.
Me: Please designate a speaker to make the case for the chamber.
One man walked forward to stand in front of the councils, beside the platform I stood on.
Me: What is your input to these situation?
Him: It is not OUR goal. It is YOUR goal. Of course we are in conflict.
Me: What is your goal?
Him: To do the things we want to do, need to do, the things that bring us life.
Me: What would these things be?
Him: The creative efforts that feed us. You know this is right.
Me: But I can pursue both work and creativity together.
Him: No, because you never do. You almost never pursue those. You make it one or the other and it is always work that is the choice. For you, work precludes everything else.
Me: But if I am good at work, which is required in order to have it and I need that for life on several levels, would this not support my ability to do other things including creative things?
Him: No, because the more you feel you are “being good at work” the more it makes you focus on that and be worse for everything else, not better, because to you, in your behavior, that translates into more time with it, more focus with it, until there is nothing else. Not only are we neglected but everything else in your life is also. But we are only making the case on our own behalf. You have no right to diminish us. We are the most alive part of you.
Me: So… you are saying that your resistance, to you, is a matter of self defense.
Him: For most it is self defense. For some it is actual life and death. We are a valid part of the self. It is injust of you, the decision maker, to be so biased against us.
I paced the round center platform for a bit, thinking.
Me: I notice that not everyone is standing with you, but if there are others here they are part of the resistance. Thank you, you may be seated for now, while we hear the rest of the response.
The people standing sit. Those sitting stand, and one of them, a man, steps up to the edge of the speaker’s platform.
Me: Please present your case.
Him: You say this is your goal, but you are not representing the totality of it, the reality of it. That may be your conscious goal, but your belief system modifies how this is carried out.
Me: I believe that I am an excellent worker and that this should be evident. You are saying you don’t agree?
Him: You believe that only within limits. You also believe that you are only so with “great effort.” And despite flaws you have to compensate for. You have a need to push situations until you must “pull off miracles” in order to succeed, rather than it being simple. Your caveat-conditional beliefs intrude on any clear, clean way of accomplishing that goal. These beliefs are an interference, a resistance, to the stated goal.
I paced the platform a bit. I thought that since the second response was based on beliefs, that this would best be dealt with by meditations. I considered what I might be willing to offer. Frankly it wasn’t much. But I have a hard time doing much meditation, so I felt like anything at all was a big sacrifice on my part.
Me: I officially offer, in negotiation, two belief-system meditations with Mark, geared to resolving this conflict, and improving this situation. All of those willing to accept these terms, please be seated.
Most of them were seated. Alas, there were still about 50 people overall standing, including the speaker.
I realized this meant I had to go to the council, for their input. Suddenly I realized how irritating this was that they wouldn’t just do what I told them and now I had to wade through everyone else’s opinion.
Me: Council of Aeons, what is your input?
Aeons: Instead of two meditations, we feel that three, plus one specific to your psychological issues, would be more appropriate.
Me: Thank you. Council of Powers, what is your input?
Powers: You need to add one meditation with us, specifically, for this goal.
I almost groaned. That’s all I need, endless meditations. I’ll be backed up till I’m 80 at this rate.
Me: Thank you. Council of Glories, what is your input?
Glories: You need to make a habit of sending love to what you consider the trouble zones, in body or psychology or reality. This should be a regular habit and the default, immediate behavior. Not weeks of frustration followed by imprisonment of those in dispute.
Me: Thank you. Council of Guides, what is your input?
Guides: We feel you should be more willing to negotiate. What you offered was what did not inconvenience you, is all. Everybody knows that. A more sincere, more reaching effort would be good.
Me: Thank you. Council of the local Solar System, what is your input?
Solar System: Beliefs wax and wane. These are not static, as you are assuming and modeling them. Please do a meditation specifically with us on this area of focus.
Me: Thank you. Council of Elements, what is your input?
Elements: You need to design your beliefs consciously, rather than by accident or default. This is a good example of what you should meditate with us about: bringing an energetic intent into physical manifestation.
Me: Thank you. Council of Tarot, what is your input?
Tarot: Beliefs are an energetic pattern, as you know. Do a meditation with the Aeons of Wands and Swords on these beliefs in specific.
Me: Thank you. Council of Language, what is your input?
Language: This effort, this council communication for example, is needed regularly. Not just once in 49 years.
Me: Thank you. Council of Numbers, what is your input?
Numbers: You need to design and request that these goals and beliefs go through divine light. Design them within this context or they are doomed. All this discussion is about your efforts, but the only true architect is God.
Me: Thank you. Council of Manifest-Reality, what is your input?
Reality: Focus on fun, and your interests, the things that drive you and pull you. These are the things to use to arrange “alignment” internally. These responses exist in you for a reason. What you ‘want’ to do in this reality matters.
Me: Thank you. Council of The Four, and Monde, and True-Self, what is your input?
Four: First, we support all the other council’s inputs as valid. Second, we wish to point out that your definition of “I” is problematic and an indicator. A fundamental issue you need to look at is: why do you identify with the “side” of this debate that you do?
Me: Well — for survival. My job is life and death for me. I am on the side of doing well at it.
Four: The survival of your body, but not all of it and not of your soul. There is more to you, to the “I,” than what you are allowing. It is correct that you have a bias and it is injust toward valid elements of self. Your own priorities are not being set by reason, nor by divine will; they are being deformed by fear.
Me: Thank you.
I felt like I’d just been beat up by 11 gangs. Not entirely, not in a bad way I guess, just in a way that was a little hard on the ego. I felt a very specific sense of “standing in the middle of everyone” with much attention on me and my responses. It felt really very political, and like I really needed to be careful, respectful, mature.
I paced for a bit. I was frustrated because it felt like the council inputs would require tons of meditation I would never get around to or have time for. I sensed the Four correcting me, telling me that many of those things could be done fairly briefly in one overall meditation and didn’t have to be an entire night of it.
I felt a slight sense of frustration that I couldn’t just command everybody to do everything I wanted and have them do it, that I ran into this kind of inner-divide, and got myself stuck having to deal with all this stuff because I was crazy enough to invite in 11 councils of ‘energies as guides’ that I am already familiar with. I sensed the Four pointing out that this is in fact the point of genuine negotiation, and that my feeling I was going to have to sacrifice something — time and effort — and so on, was what would allow those in conflict to recognize my efforts, and feel recognition of their own points, and be willing to come to a genuine accord.
I felt slightly sorry that I had ever gotten myself into this in the first place, and wondered what insanity possessed me to make this such a big formal freaking deal, because with all the councils there is no way I can get out of this, it’s like every way of slicing the energy in my world-reality-self and it binds me to the commitment, I feel that strongly. Screw it up and I’ll bleed for it. I felt the Four telling me that this was a good thing, and that the ‘energies in dispute’ know this also, and that this was the primary reason why this meditation, and those works supporting it, would have real power to effect real change.
A bit reluctantly, but agreeably, I said:
Me: I officially acknowledge the input of the councils, and give thanks for your wisdom and insight. To those in the second group of conflict with my Goal A, regarding “caveat and conditional, interfering beliefs,” I offer as negotiation that I will follow all the advice of the councils. It may take a little while for all of this to roll out in my reality, but I will do it, and I will do it within what seems to me a reasonable time frame, a month or so. Those who are willing to accept my negotiated terms, in return for your support or at least non-interference until this is resolved, please be seated.
Everyone sat down. Nobody was left standing.
Me: Thank you. Now, for the first group of conflict with my Goal A, regarding having seemingly conflicting goals, and being reduced or threatened by my implementation of my goal…
I started pacing. Why anybody would pace, inside their head, is beyond me, but I do.
Me: It seems obvious to me that the problem here is not that there must be conflict, but that my implementation of my working goals is creating a conflict where there should not be. I have no schedule except often too much work, irregular and insufficient sleep, irregular and insufficient nutrition, and vastly less of the focii such as creative works — music and writing — that clearly my fuller self needs for its well-being. I apologize for this, and I recognize and appreciate the validity of your complaint.
I pulled out my notepad and did some math. 168 hours in a week. 55 need to be dedicated to work — maybe more at times but that should come from some category that is not the creative one. 55 hours of sleep. 20 hours for sundry (e.g. shower, food) and chores (e.g. driving errands as I currently have 2 daily for my kid, cleaning, etc.). 12 hours for the inner world, which I’ll need if I’m going to do all this meditating and blogging it, and the many other things I want to do, and feel as behind about as I apparently do the creative stuff.
That leaves about 15 hours for ‘creative works.’ That’s a bit over 2 hours a day, though it would likely not come in that grouping. And, when there are non-working hours, they should go automatically to the ‘creative’ category. I finished my pencil notes and focused back with the chamber.
Me: Everyone representing the conflict with this point, please stand.
Most of the chamber that wasn’t council did, all those who weren’t the belief-system reps.
Me: I offer as negotiation the following: That I will dedicate 15 hours per week to creative efforts, such as in music or writing. That If I have hours less than 55 in working, I will contribute these to the creative block. That if I must work extra hours, wherever it comes from will not be from the creative block. That I will make an effort to do this for the other areas — sleep for example — as well, in order to better support my overall well-being, which is likely to support this indirectly. That I will actually keep track, loosely, of my creative time, to make sure that this is happening and being fulfilled. I cannot promise to do this perfectly immediately. I can promise to make a sincere effort, and a commitment to doing it fully soon, though the details may take several weeks to work out consistency for. I hope you will see this as a commitment on my part, to recognizing your presence, your validity, your importance, your equal-claim to the “I,” and to resolving the bias I have injustly held toward you.
I paced, and finally decided that was about all I had to say.
Me: All who are willing to accept this negotiation, please be seated.
I almost prayed it was all of them. It felt like it would be an exhausting horrible chore to have to go through all 11 councils all over again to resolve any dispute.
Thankfully, they all were seated.
Me: I honor and thank everyone in attendance today. I think this is about all I can do for one day frankly, not to mention the time it will take me to type it out. I would like this entire chamber to reconvene when I next call on you, to address the other two levels of goal.
(Which I now greatly regretted ever even making in the first place, and hence just bringing yet more exhausting boring politics into me having to get addressed.)
Me: Thank you for your time. May the Christ bless our efforts, and may Divine Light protect and guide us.
That last bit was spontaneous. I had asked Alayaowaeyiia (heart chakra) to help me at some point and I suspect the sudden focus on the spiritual was mostly his influence.
The chamber emptied. I rolled it up in a ball and put it in my heart chakra, like I used to do my inner world plateau area when I began archetype work eons ago.
I sighed at how much work that was. I wanted to leap up and go eat. I stopped myself. Was I really hungry? I got all the good arguments. Then I said, “What am I avoiding?” And realized I was avoiding writing it down. Since I didn’t have everything in notes by a long shot, it was highly likely I’d forget half of it if I didn’t write it down promptly. I decided this was an issue of denial and I had to write it down first, and then I could eat.
This “urge to do this so formally, and speaking aloud through it” was very sudden and almost overwhelming. I consider it “sponsored” by someone I’m not sure about from the inside.
Big pain in the butt if you ask me. Well here’s hoping it’s worth all the effort.