It was midnight. Time for IG.
I called J’rend and asked him to help me improve my energy for the meeting with the new IG. For some reason it actually was helpful having him ‘present’, for my focus. He had to regularly remind me about posture. Sitting on a bed is not ideal.
Then I told him he could go as I needed to do this alone. Then I turned on my favorite med music of the moment, a ‘lowercase noises’ album (minus the ‘gate’ song) I downloaded recently.
I went to the Four and asked them to be with me and if needed, to help me with the transition.
I was only thinking in some way, when I abruptly found myself in the formal, high-rise room with the wall-window that IG4 had created for us, as if she or he or both of them moved me there. I was then thinking of walking through it (I enter through the back) when I found myself in front of the window facing IG4, who sat in her normal place. Another thing, an armchair, had appeared to her left a little, in which sat a surprisingly ordinary looking man, whom I could see fairly decently. Lean, with sandy-blonde hair. I nodded briefly at him and then returned my attention to IG4 (Sedaena).
I fell to my knees in front of her. Although I’d felt I’d worked through my emotion about her leaving, suddenly I had some. I took her hand and kissed it, feeling great emotion pouring through me, and then released it, and her. She smiled at me sweetly, stood up and took up a few steps forward and vanished.
I nearly started bawling. I told myself to suck it up and be an adult and make her look good and move on. I forced myself to stand, and walked over to the man, who stood.
Out loud: I honor you, I said to him, like I do to archetypes. Thank you for working with me. Or I tried to say that. The second part was all garbled in a throat of tears and I had to swallow and clear my throat a couple times.
I said more, the things you’d expect I guess. I took his hands, and stood close, and imagined breathing him in a bit.
I didn’t feel very integrated though. I went to his back and wrote in gold light across the back of him: MINE. Why I chose that I don’t know. Then I slid my arms around him from behind and leaned my head against him and focused on breathing him into me yet more.
I didn’t know that I was up to doing some kind of work at that moment. Then again I felt maybe I should or it would be some kind of rejection. I finally decided that it should be his choice, if I were to honor him.
So I went to the front of him again and asked him what he would like to do. He said, “Take my hand,” so I stood at his left and held his hand and closed my eyes. I worked on clearing my mind and allowing whatever or wherever we might end up.
There was a big comfy couch in a shaded sort of alcove-of-trees, and we were sitting on it. I realized our place together was to be different than the room. Too bad, I loved that room. “Now I don’t have to GO anywhere to be in a forest clearing,” I observed with humor. It wasn’t quite that, but still.
I wasn’t comfortable with the front of it — too open. There was a road like a path there. He let me remake that part so I felt privacy, and then I said I like heights and kind of wished I felt that. He walked me forward to the road, and just past it a few feet was a drop off. We could see a vast landscape below. Much like with the prior room with IG (or my ‘sacred space’ for doing this for the first many years). I felt better about it then.
I returned to the sitting area, and imagined the couch as much larger and us curled up together sitting on it. I leaned against him.
It was a long time before I understood IG in a way that made me want to be with them just because I loved them, I said to him with some affection — not a lot, he is too new, but some — and I relaxed further into him. Usually, it was the ability to do just this. Obviously that can’t be the change-criteria anymore, since I already kind of feel that way with you, and I’d have to be changing out IG’s weekly in that case.
Thank you for letting me see you, I added. I’ve never seen an IG so well so fast.
That is your doing more than mine, he said. I felt happy about it, and snuggled a little against him.
You know, I said as I suddenly thought of it, I forgot to ask your name. I do hope you’ll give me one. If that’s something for later, I’ll understand.
Mark, he says.
It can’t be that, I say. I clearly am not hearing you properly. That’s a normal person’s name. In MY world. Nothing angelic. Nothing special. Surely that can’t be right. Even people reading my blog someday would probably find it stupid and bizarre that my IG has such an ordinary name.
Mark, he says. I ignored this, and spent the next 10 minutes attempting to make something out of that. I came up with the most hilarious variations, most were three syllables, all felt wrong and stupid when I tried them. I kept trying, but my feeling of “need” for it to be something different was fading.
He kept saying it. I got lost in half-sleep and half-something and at one point awhile later, surfaced long enough to realize I was still sitting against him on the couch, and I opened my eyes a little and tilted my head back at him, and he looked down at me and said, Mark. I sleepily started laughing then, because I’m such a total dork, with my ego and pre-set beliefs about the most retarded things, and then I lost awareness again. I woke up this morning and the first thing I heard in my head was, Mark.
Alrighty then! And so it is. IG5 is “Mark” and he is in place inside me. Work should begin tonight. And although I’m supposed to give it a couple meds a day to IG’s will (and you know I’m trying to fight the guilt over not doing enough of this with IG4), I feel a real desire to return to the Thoth Tarot meds — I have so much to get through still.
I got this tack paper (like you put in cupboards) that looks like black leather. I’m intending to cut it in half long-ways, and put it around the top wall of my room, and put the entire tarot oversized cards around my room, the rest of the walls from the 8″ down or so are going to be tapestries. But I am completely superstitious from experience and I believe I’ll be “invoking” those energies into my room and life if I do. Which I am not about to do for more than one or two cards at a time until I have gotten through every one of them decently. I’m not insane. Dealing with the unresolved energy of one is hard enough. So I need to get through the rest.
I’ve begun to find a much greater respect and interest for tarot over time. I still have zero interest in divination. Oddly I don’t even have that interest for RV–it’s weird how my specific disinterest in that never changed even when I adopted RV as an obsession in ’95–only the personal process interests me. Which reminds me I am also feeling a sort of impelling to return to that, with Marcan this time.