It’s that time again: the celebration of my meeting Inner Guide #5, Mark, aka HGA or my Holy Guardian Angel. The core of me, the fabric of my reality, the doorway that makes all my spiritual development possible. Mere gratitude, as a word doesn’t even begin to cover what I feel for him, for all my IGs of the past, and what they have done within me and within my life.
The irony of course is that IG was just a service label to me for over 20 years. Not until IG4, halfway through her term with me, revealed herself as angelic — literally, mind-bogglingly, amazingly, astoundingly angelic — did I realize they were more than just some aspect of my psychology. I never even asked one for a name until IG4. (And then I argued at length when IG5 promptly gave me his name because it didn’t seem cosmic enough I guess!)
I’m still not 100% sure of definitions. I think that “my capacity to perceive” (or perhaps, not even be damaged by the perceiving in some way) has increased gradually, and when I get to a new level of some kind, the Inner Guides “change out.” It’s been traumatic and emotional when one leaves me for another. It wasn’t so much the first to second. Only a little the second to third. It was totally traumatic when IG3 left me, I loved him so much. I rejected Sedaena when she first arrived — as the original IG3. I didn’t want her, didn’t want or trust a female in that role.
She returned as IG4, and I rejected her because I didn’t want to lose IG3. Finally, the Four stepped in and “adjusted my understanding” and 3rd made me let him go and accept the new Inner Guide. I finally grudgingly accepted her, but she promptly proved herself as super awesome and I fell madly in love with her. When it was her time to leave me, she did a lot of work internally to make me be ok with it. She gave me the clear impression that if I behaved like a child about it, it would also reflect on her in some way. That I was better than that and it was time for me to step up and be responsible and mature about it. I cried like a sap anyway.
But I saw and heard IG5 immediately. I had the urge to write MINE in gold light on his back for some reason and hug him for a long time, moved by feelings even when my conscious mind was still having trouble with losing the last one. He told me his name pretty promptly and I spent all night trying to reject it and he just kept saying it again until it rang in my head, and when I awoke was the first thing in my head. So IG5 is Mark.
And then it turns out, he is “The sun, the son, the Christ” — who knew?! — and once even showed me a full-on angelic form, hovering white light persona that terrorized me I admit. It’s been many years since then and I still have serious cognitive dissonance about that experience.
But I met him in 2012 and every year after I’ve had a day where that night is dedicated to a meditation between us, usually my affirming my appreciation for him and allowance of him in my life. So last night was year 9. And I had no ideas about “what” to “work on or do” with him — just that it was time to meet up.
So I invited: the Aeons of course (they’re always with me now), the Four of course (they’re always with me now), all my guides of various sorts, from those I seldom interact with consciously (like Ronan, Oroln, etc.), and the tool friends (like Sierpienta and Wand etc.) and the “outer guides” as I call them, even though now I meet them in big cozy room off to the side, just inside the ‘universe tunnel’ in my chest. I invited the planets, and the numbers, and the four suits of tarot, as well as the three trumps I’ve worked with so far. I think that’s about all.
After a summary version of my ring (now sphere) of identity meditation with my aeons, I had some nice merge rushing, which is a good thing. After I invited everyone else, I did some breathing with everyone together, and got a whole lot more merge rushing, that was very nice. Like a good archmed times two. I felt like, at that point, the evening was well worth it just for those effects, since I believe this is a sign of “integration” of energy. The energy-yawns I kept getting were another clue.
I didn’t know what to do with Mark. I kneeled to him, and told him how grateful I was for him. I stood and told him my wish is to allow more of his light into me and my life. And then I made a formal wish along these lines and asked everyone who was there to witness, to help me bring that to be.
I was sleep deprived and exhausted before all this, and I wasn’t falling asleep or anything, but I just didn’t have any sense of something I should or could do next, and I did have the strong sense that I would love to sleep with that energy. Mark suggested I do this… I think. Anyway so I asked everyone to please work with me in my sleep to help best arrange that wish, and I went to sleep.
I woke up hours later and my first thought, before I was even consciously thinking yet, was Mark I love you. So I assume the sleep work was going well.
I woke up near morning and had the sense, maybe from him, that I should “thank and release the attention” of all those I had invited. I have never done that before. But I did that for everyone except the aeons and four, since they aren’t going anywhere, before I got up.
So the evening was not amazing, I admit. Nothing is ever likely to come close to having Alaya (heart chaka) show up like a 6 inch man outside my body, walk upward a bit, pull out a pickaxe, and literally chop through what seemed almost like bone, in a big hole right between where he and the throat chakra are. That eventually, with more work that evening and me helping, led to the black tunnel “through” me that has the icon/statue-still “eye” and told me it was the universe. That was pretty mind boggling I admit. I have a hard time imagining anything topping that experience for novelty, aside from Mark’s white-light-appearance.
So maybe last night wasn’t the most novel or most amazing or anything. But it was very nice. Lovely.