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Three days ago I started having all these terrible sudden feelings and spontaneous ideas that IG might be changing in me soon. It made me instantly hysterical every time the idea even passed me.

Then for the last couple days I’ve felt her “mucking about inside me” on the topic. Initially, the very idea literally made me bawl, but now I can’t find enough grief to cry at all.

And I keep having little daydreams of meeting another IG and the idea that he (I sense it would be a he for some reason) could be some new opportunity inside I can’t imagine, and also, how I could be all civilized and mature about it happening.

Then I get irritated because I feel like it’s IG just making it ok inside me and I don’t really want it to be ok.

I don’t want her to leave me. Not when I finally love her madly. This is when the last IG left, when I loved him madly, although it feels like it was nowhere near as strong as this. The Four had told me that this feeling represents a “state of development” and for a long time I was even afraid to let myself too close to IG lest it would result in her abandoning me to a new IG. Sure enough, I truly trust and I truly let the love in and now she is apparently going to leave me soon.

I don’t care how appropriate everyone else inside thinks it is. I think it’s horrible.

Late Friday:

After re-reading some old stuff I decide I need to do a meditation on the energy of the Eagles and Bats — this is the energy of the queen (the bats is kind of the reverse, dark-energy). I relax and tell myself “it doesn’t have to be hard!” which is a constant reminder now.

IG agrees, and before long I’m in a tiny cave. It’s dark, so I call Sierpienta, and I send “the glimmer of a bright idea” to the long blade and it reflects it so it functions like a sort of torch, lighting up the area a little, and I am looking at a small pool of water. The stone is white on the bottom and around the edges like the drippy stuff that makes the stalagmites/tites shapes in caves. (Clearly I lack the technical terms…) There are also a gazillion bats at the top of the cave but a little offset of where I am, and I had shrunk myself and am trying not to disturb them lest they swarm.

The pool water starts draining out rapidly. I ‘understand’ that it is tied to the tide somehow and it has gone out, and it will refill later. With the water low, half-buried at the edge of the cave pool I can see something gold that seems partly buried in the white stone itself at the far side. I got it dissolved away enough to pull the things out.

There were three items.

First was a small, maybe fourteen inch statuette of the Queen. She looked kinda like Nefertiti with long black hair. I put the statuette in my mind on my incense table, next to the golden statuette of the Four, and bless it there and hope it will bring more of her into my life.

There was also a little… box, sort of. It was shaped kind of like a fuel pump at a gas station.

There was one other small thing that turned out to be a key, the big old fashioned kind.

All were made of gold.

The box morphed as I searched it until I could see that there was a keyhole in it that I sensed was “in the heart chakra” sort of. I put the key in and turn, and the box starts swelling and growing and changing, and I move out of the way and just sit and watch.

It grows into a huge eagle made of actual gold. That is the queen. But it’s not alive, it’s not animated. It’s just a giant, still, statue of an eagle with its wings out, made of gold. Which weighs a ton.

I “understand” that this “cannot be present in my world until I put myself into it.” Like it’s almost a magical ritual I must do to make it totally official and ground it in my reality with myself and my own body.

So I levitate it and open up everything above me and we lift out until we’re finally “outside” and the ground closes below us. It’s a lovely day out and there is natural field where I am and the ocean not far away. I sit behind the big gold eagle and I put out my hands and I imagine running energy through me and into it. I do this for awhile but it doesn’t seem to be working.

So I call Sierpienta┬áback to me, make it small like a dagger, and I slash open the inside of my arm, and I make a point to bleed all over the gold thing from one side to another, so it has my blood which it “absorbs.” Then I force-imagine that something of every chakra pours into it, and then that something of every kind of element in my body, from bone to white blood cells to trace minerals, pours into it, and I do a prayer telling the queen I want her in my reality, and then I go back to sending it energy. This finally seems to be working and after awhile, animation seems to come to it, and I back off some.

All during this I had the most ridiculous number of “energy yawns,” utterly huge nearly painful yawns they were so sudden and tense.

It eventually stands up and sort of shakes itself off and looks at me. I’m sitting there but I bow to it and welcome it. It takes off and the huge wings flap it into the air, and then it veers around and flies back toward me and to the side, like it did the first time I ever saw her in a vision, “making sure I saw her,” and then she flew away. I looked back at the little statuette in my room and shrugged. I guess the meditation went ok.

Later:

I fight the occasional idea of IG leaving me through the day. I don’t know why some part of me insists on bringing this up. I don’t see any reason why it should have to BE. I’m just being neurotic.

Later, Midnight Mass with IG:

I had a hard time. I don’t know that IG was any less ‘there’ than ever but I felt like I couldn’t pay attention, maybe wouldn’t, I was all over the place. Finally I got myself together for focus.

I see her come up to the right of me. Now, I can’t say I recall every feature of her face or that it has been consistent in detail, as I mostly know her by ‘feel’ and how she looks is just a cool bonus sometimes when I see her to varying degrees. But she is moving toward me and she is smiling and yet… something is not right. I tell myself, “Trust.” But before that word is done in my head I realized:

This is not IG.

“Divine Light! Protect and guide me!” I yell in my head instantly, although I’ve never said that particular prayer before, but that’s what was there in me for some reason, and I imagine that it insta-dissolves anything “not in alignment with my divine will” and she vanishes.

I see that IG is actually standing farther away from me, forward and to the left.

“What the heck?!” I say, thinking of Steinbrecher talking about ‘false guides’ but how I’m not sure I’ve ever met one. I have a vague recall of something with my first IG once, but I don’t remember any detail. This is definitely new.

“I know I must have done that,” I apologized to her, wondering if this is somehow related to all the negative worry about her leaving me. “I don’t know why I would create such a thing!”

And then I spent a long time more trying to get into a meditation and being unable to do so for some reason. Finally I get more determined, and I hold the focus.

I’m standing in a big spacious bathroom and a tall beautiful woman with long black hair — like both the Queen and IG have — is bathing in a bathtub, bubble bath and the whole archetype of it.

I hear inside me: Who is this? and I consider.

IG? No. Don’t feel her.

Is it the Queen? I ponder my feelings for a moment. No, not her.

A guide? I have to think about that and feel that more. No, not a guide.

It all vanishes.

Ah. Maybe IG is teaching me to recognize the feeling inside me, so I will know what is ‘mine’ and what might be, um, something-else,” I think. Like how IG#2 taught me to never do anything I couldn’t “see” and to use my “gut feelings” to tell me whether something was ok or not, even if it seemed to come from ‘some part of me’ or IG.

And then I remember that he taught me that at the ‘transition’ point of IGs. The first hour I met him. It occurs to me with horror that this might mean IG is transitioning away from me, and I’m so distressed by the idea I refuse to meditate at all, and I leap out of bed and decide to take a shower instead.

I’m in the shower, having done fairly well at trying not to think about it for a bit, when I finally let thinking about it through a little bit.

It isn’t real. I’m just imagining this. I don’t know WHY I keep torturing myself with the idea. It can’t happen, it won’t happen, she won’t leave me, and surely she wouldn’t do that. I don’t even know her name yet! Surely she won’t leave without telling me her name!

I don’t know why this seems so important to me, that I have something personal about her for my memory and not just a service label, but it does.

I hear the 3rd in me, more clearly than usual. I can’t remember what he said exactly now but it was something like:

“When it is time, it is time.”

I was kind of angry so I yelled back at him,

“Who are YOU to say? You don’t KNOW how I love her!”

And he said — and it “opened inside me” when he did, the understanding —

“I know.”

He does. It’s him too. He is all of me and more, there isn’t anything I feel that he doesn’t. I couldn’t be angry at him then, but that didn’t make me any happier about the idea.

And then I realized that she has had so much effect inside me, just in the last couple of days in particular, that I don’t even have the whining-horror-sobbing-grief that I did, that made me instantly and repeatedly break into tears at the very idea, every time it has come through — so many times it’s ridiculous — over the last several days.

I could feel her doing it AS she was doing it and I’ve been briefly talking to her about it now and then, that I can feel her “adjusting my understanding” inside, so that I won’t grieve for her, so it won’t be horrible grief for me.

“It’s not FAIR,” I say in my head to nobody in particular. “She has changed me!”

The 3rd says, “That is part of truly allowing her to be part of you — ”

I remembered my many prayers about her becoming ‘a part of every subatomic particle of me’…

“– she IS part of you, and she has the right to make these changes. That is why she is with you, is to be part of you.”

I realize I have known that — she is not merely a ‘guide’ on the outside but a guide “through the middle” so to speak. I feel slightly appeased, but not entirely.

I try to articulate why I’m so upset about not being upset, as funny as that sounds.

“My people define love in part by the pain of grief we feel when we lose someone,” I finally say. “I don’t know how to model loving anybody as much as I love her and not being overwhelmed by grief at her loss.”

“I am never lost to you,” she says.

But I decided it wasn’t real and couldn’t be and I was imagining all this, and I wasn’t going to have anything more to do with it, so I finished my shower and stomped around a little, got overzealous with the dental floss.

I didn’t want to go back to my bed and laptop although it was nearly 2am. I decided I was going to go eat, which would take quite awhile to cook, although I’m not remotely hungry. “So what,” I snapped at this realization.

The 3rd says: “You are avoiding writing any of this down. You didn’t write down the earlier experience either.”

I stopped. “Well I just –” and I realize he’s right.

I don’t write down the stuff that upsets me most, so I neatly and promptly forget it.

I realize suddenly, as he “shares” with me the insight, that this is not just a little thing, not anymore. It is as much a matter of integrity to be honest and true with yourself as it is with others. My fear-based denials when I was not developed enough for an alternative were merely a neurological, psychological, metaphysical side-effect of my state of development. But now, it involves my integrity, too, because I know better now, and I have seen it in myself, and I am now “responsible” for this.

I recall the 3rd once telling me that they aren’t aware of the details of my life, unless there was some major focus, but they are affected by the integrity I live with. I recall it was the Four who “adjusted my understanding” when my previous IG had to leave, but that was months after he told me he was leaving and I cried and refused it and kept calling him back. They finally “intervened.” I wonder if the 3rd is present because he is, in a sooner and more subtle way, intervening.

The fact that I am him so he technically has the obvious right to be part of anything I experience — it is him, too — makes me ok with his presence but that doesn’t mean we always agree on the details of things. He often seems to feel I am childish and evasive and I often feel he is making that observation and lecturing. I’m torn between loving him so much that I crave his attention even in disapproving form, versus having my separate perspective where he just seems irritating at times. It is a weird thing to be multiple people at once who overlap is I guess the real nature of it.

But surely she can’t be leaving me. I mean surely I would perceive her much better, she wouldn’t leave me in a barely perceivable fashion would she? She wouldn’t leave me without giving me her name so I could clearly ‘get’ it would she? No, that all seems like it just wouldn’t happen, it just wouldn’t seem right or just or fair, surely it would not work that way. Surely she would make the effort to be very clear to me when saying goodbye, every other IG has.

And she hasn’t SAID goodbye, mind you! I did ask her for some “notice” if she were leaving. Maybe this is notice.

I feel odd inside. Like the profound grief has been healed out of me but I still feel like there ought to be something there, something to validate and recognize how much I don’t want her to go.

I solved the emotional dilemma by falling asleep.

*

I woke up in the morning and wrote down all this down. And then asked IG to at least let me see her again and know her name, and that part did make me cry again, begging to have just some tiny fragment of her in my memory to hold onto. The emotion she invokes in me is just out of this world.

I had the wonder at one point if the sudden recent full-absorption of the formerly-winged-guy, in the “Oroln” meditation where I absorbed the crystalline spike/sphere, might have anything to do with a new IG. I considered that I would be willing to take it back, divest myself of that energy, if it meant keeping IG longer. That felt inside me like it was wrong-thinking.

Part of me I think the third said, And if it meant putting off HGA? And that stopped me. Nothing has ever had more emotion in me than realizing my being without him was my doing on some level, and it felt like every instant I had spent without him in me was the greatest tragedy in the universe. But eventually I thought, “I will re-bind with him someday. Eventually. Perhaps it would be later if I changed this sequence with IG, I don’t know, but I would be willing to put it off to keep her.” That felt inside me like it was wrong-thinking too. Sigh.

Off and on I’ve thought of a new IG, and thought maybe I could work without him, or do something that would just not “accept” him for a long time like in some stubborn evidence of my resistance to IG4 leaving me. But I always feel from her that isn’t appropriate. And there is always this overlay like “she has taught me better than that” and that how well I move forward is some evidence of that, and that if I act like a childish bonehead it doesn’t just reflect on me, but a little on her work with me too.

*

We’re going to Joplin today, to Olive Garden as my daughter’s 16th birthday present (her birthday is Monday, but I’m off work today). I won’t be able to breathe after all that gluten but damn I’ll enjoy it during the time…

P