In spontaneous experience, inside meditations, dreams, mixed states or sudden visions, over the years (mostly since 1993) I have come to accept that ‘I’ am composed of a “merged multiplicity”, and in turn am part of a larger merged identity where I am just one of the parts, as well.
I sometimes see indirect or “philosophical” reference to this concept but I have no doctrine or model I am following, only my own sometimes confusing experiences.
I avoid being too cerebral in my studies of spirituality as I am prone to get over-lost in the intellectual and that is a weakness for me. So I’ve learned to avoid it, in an effort to “live” vs. “think-about-living.” So if there is validating info related to my experiences, buried in obscure metaphysical tracts somewhere, I have not yet come upon it.
I would love to meet others who may have similar experiences. I blog my thoughts and experiences mostly because I have a surreal problem with forgetting things in this genre very quickly, but also in the hope that someday, Google willing, others with similar experiences may chance on me.
I also have other identities and places “in my inner world” that my meditations work with. Or, that are a part of my inner cosmology for some reason. I am making this page to outline all these things in summary, as a reference. You can click any term below to ‘jump’ to that entry, or scroll.
Related Overview Files:
A file discussing the various ‘environments’ I work with:
History & Environment Review
A file discussing my various meditations:
Personalization, Archmeds, Healing, Realitymeds
A file discussing the various ‘identities’ I work with:
Identities in the Inner Realm (here)
An alphabetical table of contents of the myPsiche blog:
Alpha Table of Contents
In Nov 1993 in sudden all-consuming “visions”, I met another “me.” A simultaneous identity slightly ‘larger’ than mine, sharing the same “source.” Same energy via different interface (different person in a different realm). He was having a spiritual awakening, which ‘sparked’ me by inner proximity. I call him “my mate” or twin though it’s as much brotherly as loverly.
I ‘sat in’ with him as he pursued a female he loved, and there was a man she in turn sought. They are a higher/older set, with us the lower/younger set. He and I ‘merge’, and they ‘merge’, and then the result merges (two sets of two into one) into what seems an identity both singular, yet inclusive of all our individual awarenesses. (The two merged identities also seem to exist.) I am the 4th of Four. (Although if you count the two merged and the one result, I guess technically we are seven. A bit confusing!)
I call us “The Four.” I am aware when ‘with’ them that I am always with them; only my surface-identity attention to being so is occasional. A good deal of the awareness in my daily life seems to depend on how much effort I am making to be aware of my presence with them, and whether I’m doing this in an altered state and really ‘allowing’ it. I am often resistant.
- The Senior is a tall dark man who is the most powerful and aware and the authority. I don’t perceive him clearly unless he wants me to. He is capable of radically affecting my body. On occasion when something in the inner world is overwhelming he steps in to help.
- The Queen is a tall woman with long black hair and a long skull. She is ‘Spiritual Royalty’ and mate/twin to the Senior. I’ve had past-life dreams where she is dominant in a body and I function as her guide. I often perceive her in Egyptian contexts.
- My Mate/Twin once told me he is Noshaimus or Neshama perhaps. I have met him in faery/alien contexts a couple times also. He has white-blond hair and unusually blue, large slightly tilted eyes. He feels like a brother, lover and soldier/priest and I’m closest to him.
I’ve never gotten anything like names for them, possibly because, as they showed me, each of us have so many different forms (lives/species), as if we are, individually, each a surprisingly large and complex group-soul.
I sometimes perceive us, each two in a gender, as black and white, like polarities. (This seems to relate to a period (’94) when for awhile I perceived everything in polarities and the understanding that these were the same thing.)
When I first really met the Queen, I understood we had ‘every possible relationship’ with each other that can exist between female humans in my world. One time when we Four were all merged, large white ball-spheres of light (chakras?) within us lit up, and one a little below our feet and above our heads, and then all but the top and bottom one “expanded into 3-D” as multiple spheres and I recognized it as the QBL Tree of Life. I ‘grokked’ that we compose the universe between us in some literal energetic fashion.
I may have mystical experiences with archetypal symbols when with them. E.g.: high in a mountain cave I am on the ground and the Senior is my doctor beside me. He/mate push me at rapid speed down tiny winding cliff trails in a rickshaw and at bottom lay me into a small flattish boat with my hands crossed on my chest and push me off into a river. Or: the first time I met my twin, he ‘claimed his power’ and a woman who is also a golden (metallic) bird [one form of the Queen] put a golden cloak on him so bright we couldn’t look at it. Some experiences with the Four have this quality of profound with ancient symbols. When I meet my mate one on one, it feels shamanic. But when I encounter the Four of us together, it feels (and the Senior/Queen feel) impactively ‘holy’.
I once had a dream that they also had identities ‘here’ in my reality, though they externally were nothing like the version I meet on the inside. I don’t know if that was just a dream or if that might be so, I’ve never had any other indicator of such a thing. The Senior and the Queen, although I accept that I am part of them, they are on the edge of ‘deity’ for me, as they feel so “holy” when I am close to them.
Once a few years ago in powerful dreams each of the other three were crucified and I didn’t see them for a year. It was horribly traumatic. A year later when I saw them again I bawled at length, begging them to never leave me again. So apparently I have become quite enmeshed with them as more than just a metaphysical model. It was some time after they had returned that they introduced me to what seemed like “the next ring outward” of what composes ‘us’ particularly ‘me’.
I have not seen this kind of modeling elsewhere — being one of four and that being a larger identity. I vary between not caring that this seems unique to me, because it is real for me and that’s what matters, vs. looking for anything which seems to validate such an odd idea.
I once had the feeling that verse 1:51 of Liber al vel Legis somehow symbolically referred to the Four, but of course anything with that number tends to seem like that. The Thoth tarot and its many spheres and cherubs that are light and dark reminds me of it in many places.
I might add that the first time I ever saw a tarot deck it was Thoth, and I understood that Adjustment was “my” card. (I found that nearly disappointing, as I’d heard new-age sorts go on about this, all with much more glorious titles.) I once attempted to work this as an archetype, but it was very difficult for me; I need to attempt it again.
In 2006-2009 the Four in the Tower brought me a group of new people and I was to ‘integrate’ with them as part of me. They each had several bright little lights in them I perceived like a constellation, as if all of them added together created the solar system of me (Every man and every woman is a star), a sort of brain-cracking literal-ness to that idea. I was for some reason shocked and felt hugely threatened by this, clinging to my twin in avoidance, and I resisted it greatly.
I met one ‘identity’ spontaneously and he turned out to be one of them, which opened me to the idea… only a little. I resisted interacting with them so much I ended up wandering the rooftop and avoiding going inside the tower lest they be presented me again. So they started showing up on the rooftop and I stopped going to that area entirely.
Then my inner guide started giving them to me instead of archetypes to force me to meet them. It’s the only thing I’ve ever specifically requested and had her say “no” to me about, was my asking her to stop; she said I needed to meet them and begin interacting with them and there was ‘something of a timeline’. There turned out to be 12 total. When it was done and no more seemed to be coming I realized there were 12 total. I had got that it was a multiple of 4 but I had thought it might be 16.
Ironically, once I had met them all and begun a tentative working with them, I started falling in love with them, and now I think of them often, and do a rosary-style mantra with them daily, and often have dreams and meditations and spontaneous experiences or insights with them. They are each quite different. Some I am integrated with and comfortable with much more than others so far. There are 8 male and 4 female although I’m not sure that is relevant to anything. Their names were sometimes hard to perceive or were corrected over time. They are:
(I don’t pretend to understand their focus (or names).) This is the order I do the ’round’ (a rosary-style mantra) in.
- Ithikah (6.5-7′ tall male. Mostly “shapes felt within me”.) Focus: public perception
- Bolehren (an ordinary young woman with long brown hair, brown eyes.) Focus: insight for internal issues, personal relationships
- Taan (tall male with huge sense of humor). Focus: both my and the world’s perception of my body, and general body-energies
- L’Anna (blonde woman.) Focus: doctor/healer
- Ray (short, very strong man). Focus: don’t know.
- Marcan (dark haired man). Focus: creative work and psi work.
- Hot Amanakhaton (a huge statue in physical form, like the egyptian things, but an entity/identity.) Focus: don’t know.
- Jared and El Nino (a centurion and his black horse) (they are ‘one’ somehow). Focus: don’t know.
- Calmé (a short winged female, faery-like.) Focus: don’t know.
- Laelee (says her energy has no easy equiv in body. Is female.) Focus: don’t know.
- Nedlund (male. I’ve only seen eyes so far.) Focus: ‘Sound’.
- Nero (male, dark shaggy hair, strong nose.) Focus: I don’t know. I am closest to Nero so far though, who was the first I met consciously.
I have gradually come to feel that they compose me. I mean that all 12 of them are individual identities in one or probably many human lives of their own, however, when all 12 of them join together, the singular identity resulting is “me” (I am the 13th that is the ‘result’ perhaps).
The more % of them I am able to consciously integrate with, it feels like the more of me is clear and powerful. By the way when I say ‘me’ I don’t just mean the body-me of the present, I mean a larger, more complete ‘me’. Parts of that me are merged with a nature spirit (body) symbiote and that resulting joined personality my online friends call “Palyne”. That is my ‘interface’ but ‘I’ am a larger self.
I called them the Coalition at first (as it seemed like a petition to join me) and then The Consortium (as it seemed like a diverse group that made joint decisions). They sometimes talked to me, in a way I could only relate to “guides” as I have read now and then, so I called them guides for awhile, but promptly began to understand that the guides I do have (outer and inner) are something quite different in nature.
Every time I wondered what to call them I got the term “Aeons.” This made no sense to me as that is a time-span not a thing. (…and it made me sound stupid.) It happened so many times though, I gave up and began calling them my Aeons.
Later, when googling to see if I could find any references to my spontaneous experiences, I discovered that ‘Aeons’ is a term used in the old Sethian Gnostic religion. Something like what they called some deities. I have no part of that religion and know nothing about it besides the wiki stuff I found that day. So, it’s just a coincidence of terms I guess.
In the interior world, there is a shamanic discipline that allows a creative yet semi-autonomous interaction between a person and … other identities. Primarily “archetypes.” The imagination is the “tool” through which information and this interaction is happening. But although the individual initially is ‘helping’ this creativity until they begin to ‘allow’ it, once some fluency is developed and especially when done in altered state, they are not ‘creating’ it consciously. The identities and even environments range from slightly to fully ‘autonomous’ in the interaction, although the person can intentionally create as they choose. There are several traditions for this kind of work, the best known being Jung’s ‘active imagination’ approach. Done well these are amazing, surprising, truly exceptional experiences.
These can be powerful to the point of mind-blowing, they can radically alter your reality overnight, and in some unfortunate cases it can be fairly dangerous to health and sanity to go it alone. A few decades ago Edwin Steinbrecher, an astrologer and occultist, had the idea to “look for a guide” in that realm just as he’d been looking for archetypes, as he’d had a bad experience and wanted protection and guidance. He found one, an identity which he named “Inner Guide” and I call “IG”. After years of his own work and sharing that of others, he discovered certain predictable qualities that an IG would have (it would look and act like their 9th Koch house astrology qualities) and sequences that people would have with them (eg the first 3 are male, the 4th is female). He wrote a book called The Inner Guide Meditation that is well worth reading (I have some notes on it, click on ‘book talk’ in my tags). Israel Regardie wrote the foreword.
IG knows all. It’s difficult to explain this entity and relationship except to say that while my first three IG’s started out difficult to perceive and a little uncomfortable, they ended up with great affection, the third I had such great love for I wouldn’t let go for a long time, the Four had to come make me, and I bawled like a child about it. I’m currently on my 4th IG, a female I am completely adoring of, who is wildly creative and I consider one of the best things ever to happen to me. I do not know precisely why or when they change and a new one arrives, only that I hope I get to keep this one for a long time more.
IG is the arbitrar of the inner realm. He/She can control anything there, guide and protect. I used to ask for specific archetypes, and sometimes still do, but now that I know IG better I just whine, gripe, complain, wish, rant, or otherwise convey my feelings to IG and then ask her to come up with whatever “creative composite of energies” that would make the best archetype to work with. The experience with her has been different than previous IGs in some respects, the archs and environs are often far more complex and difficult to figure out how/what to do, but cooler in some respects too.
Because IG is not only the guide for my archetype work, but originally brought me the Aeons and can manage everything in that realm, I tend to talk about “IG” a lot both directly and in passing. I suspect that IG is a part of the-larger-me, but I’m not sure. In any case it is a “named Entity” that anybody can find if they’re open to it.
I began my active-meditations via “archetype meditations” (with Inner Guide, above). An archetype in my somewhat expanded definition is any identity, and identity is “an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title”. However some collections are more-often-collected and seem to have a great deal more innate ‘power’, such as Tarot trumps, Constellations and planets, and probably any other culturally-common and ancient way of ‘dividing up the energy of the universe’ such as the Tree of Life, the i Ching, etc.
Most archetype work I do is not on the standard archetypes mentioned but on personal archetypes, based on events, people, situations and feelings in my immediate reality. In my paradigm, “experiential reality” is an outer reflection of inner energetic relationships. So I “go inside” and work with the energy from there. Examples might be my archetypes of: My relationship with a person; my success at a coming event; my problems with a given person, situation, issue, etc.; any pain, illness, injury, etc.; as well as cultural models that represent certain energies I feel may have issues in my reality (e.g. ‘Mars’ or ‘The Knight of Wands’). There are some archetypes that seem to have a strong positive relationship with me right from the start (e.g. ‘the Sun’) and some that were problematic (e.g. ‘Saturn’ when I was 29 years old).
The archetypes themselves may sometimes be difficult to perceive (you can improve that with effort), may be hostile, may be gross or wounded or mutated or bizarre, in my case they are not usually human and may be objects, machines, alien-ish, creatures, environments, or offbeat combinations (eg a collection of cubes). There are repeating symbols or elements that one learns to understand. Archs that are dusty are energies neglected; dirty-sticky dust is repression; wounds and deformities represent problems with clarity in the energy relationship; fish-related stuff seems to relate to natal stuff for me, and insect-related stuff represents fear; blackness esp. combined with insect qualities usually means profound fear and suppression (“spiders in the gooey dark”); things difficult to see I don’t have a good rapport with, things huge and with very large teeth, claws, etc. are usually problematic… you see most of this is pretty intuitive. If your archetype is a hostile claw-teeth-fiery dragon 2 miles high there’s probably some energy needing work there. If your arch is a disgusting black pit of muck with crawling insects, that needs some real work. On the other hand if your arch is a normal person or something you find lovely, and you hug them and “merge” with rushing feelings through your body, then your relationship with that energy is pretty good.
When the meditation is done you usually ‘trade’ something on or in the body to begin a ‘sharing’ of energy, if you are not to the point of being able to ‘merge’ with the archetype. Inner Guide will bring, and remove, the archs as you request. IG can also just give you archs you most need to work with… you may or may not be able to get what they are from her or from them.
I have over time come up with several other kinds of meditations. ‘Reality Meds’ are based on geometries/shapes. I have a ‘Control Center’ and a ‘Cleaning Room’ and a general room, and all of those are staffed by an identity(s) I call “Tek”. They sort of overlap in energy but are slightly different from one another, but I call them all Tek.
Back in ’94 after meeting the Four and some other things, I had an experience of “Nothingness” that was really pretty horrible. I came very close to committing suicide as a result of it (I am just a walking corpse without the God-light inside me, I wrote in my journal back then). Just as I was getting to the worst point some time after that, I met an entity. He was “my core” — I didn’t have any other way to describe it. I mostly focused on his eyes and the feeling that unlimited love was pouring through my middle and that I was not alone, could not possibly ever be alone, and so on. Crying in relief and joy doesn’t begin to describe it. I felt a state of worship for him, he was the holy center. I have not met him like that since that day, but feel amazed and honored it ever happened at all, and hope sometime before I die I might get another opportunity.
Later after all this, I discovered that much of my experience (at least prior to The Four and The Aeons) was almost embarrassingly predictable. It fit a well known set of development stages in occult studies, or so some people reading my accounts later told me. The Nothingness horror that seemed to “vacuum out my insides” for a long time, they called that “The Abyss”. The geometric ‘kinesthetic soul language’ that WAS the-thing-itself they called “The Angelic Language.” The blue eyes of soul, my loving holy core-of-self, they called “The Holy Guardian Angel” or “HGA.” Frankly I imagine it would have been easier if I had known all this prior to the experiences, as everything has always seemed “out of right field” and shocking and confusing to me instead. But I think most of my most impactive experiences (those that don’t fall solely into psi, ufology, psychology, or other categories) are pretty yawningly-predictable. I don’t think the Four and the Aeons are though as I don’t hear about this from anybody else.
An entity I’m fond of named Seth, who wrote a few books via channeler Jane Roberts, has many ‘exercises’ one can do experimentally. One thing he suggested was that everyone had something called ‘The Private Oracle’. Out of casual curiosity one day I started talking to IG about it, but he was right there. Very communicative. I haven’t really had any specific questions since the first day I met him, but I am hoping to utilize his input in the future.
Intellectually, for me god was long ago reduced to some nebulous dust of lack of clear definition, some cross between everything and nothing. But subjectively, I have always, since I can remember in earliest childhood, had an unshakeable acceptance of God as a singular identity with which I could have my version of a relationship. A skeptic when I grew up, I even tried to be an Atheist for awhile, until I realized I was daily apologizing to God for not believing in him, and I laughed at myself and became an official Agnostic, praying “To Whom it May Concern” for quite awhile. Now I guess I am best called a Gnostic (I am part of two metaphysical churches, one of which has the term ‘Gnostic’ in its title, so I guess so).
I will admit that intellectually I am biased and reactive to religion based on my rejection of what man has done with it, which sometimes interferes with my clear thinking about the entire “ball of wax” including the entities and deities which come in that bundle. One thing I can say clearly though is that I believe sincere regular prayer to God, concerning entities and parts of self one meets, personal intent and life plans, are invaluable. I don’t think it matters whether there is some objective validationg to God-as-a-single-identity. I think our spiritual technology as beings is via “personalization” and that “personal relationship” is critically important.
As far as other-deities go, I have encountered “religious entities”, including Jesus, Mary, and Archangel Michael, and I have only honor for them despite that my intellectual beliefs don’t match any official religion that validates them. I put my Senior and Queen in the “semi-deity” category, although they are not such large robust thoughtforms as far as I can tell as those mentioned, but they are still definitely “holy”.
Once in awhile I encounter archetypes or entities that I don’t have a clear category for. My archetype of Responsibility (interpret that as ‘True Will’ in a way), when I was having trouble in an archmed once, talked to IG briefly and then brought me two light-beings he called “The Angelics.” They are not Angels. But they are ‘the archetype of Angels’. They are still very helpful to me in meditations and now I often call on them.
I have ‘outer guides’ that I perceive around me on my plateau inner space. I had one I saw 100% clearly, but I released him a short time later. I have one called Stet that I know helps with my daily physical reality but I don’t tend to commune with him or the others there. I once had a thoughtform I called Dor that I talked out of being an implanted-energy-block and into being on my side instead, but the Four made me get rid of him one day for some reason. I have sometimes encountered animals in my inner space (particularly a female black panther). (Oddly enough when I introduced my daughter to archetype work around age 10 she promptly met a black panther as well, go figure.)
This is just an overview of ‘identities I work with’. For overview files on environments, and types of meditation, and a table of contents, visit the links near the top of the file.