I was going to do an Aeon round this morning. I started at the top of the current arrangement, which is Hot Amanakhaton. He is more ‘human’ and less ‘giant golden egyptian-ish statue’ than ever. I was trying to tease him and feel emotion for him and bring him ‘closer’ to me, more real, more communicative. (In the end, it worked, but I never did get to any of the other Aeons.)
I was kinda randy so that gave me a bright idea, and I asked him how he felt about me using some quality time with him, with the energy all about our relationship and me ‘integrating’ him further. He agreed, and that went fairly well. I don’t feel as close as I do to Nero or Marcan, but way better than I ever have with H.A. before now.
A little later, I said to him that since he and I had been so non-integrated, and he was all that powerful male energy, that I assume he’s dominantly from the Senior’s energy. But he contradicted me, saying, “I am mostly of the Queen.” That really surprised me. Then I thought that since the identity I see her in is what I call “pre-Egyptian” (the long-head people I believe the Egyptians were trying to be like) maybe that makes sense.
Now it seems obvious — she is also a golden (metallic) eagle for goddsakes — yet for some reason, the giant gold egyptian statue, I didn’t realize was related to her. I was thinking all along I’d be getting a little closer to Senior.
Through the entire day I had constant realizations and ‘minor experiences’ all of which brought me back to the Queen, to her seeming more ‘present’ in me than ever before. Maybe this confirms that they were all some kind of special insight, that I do not remember a one of them — not even one and it felt like there were at least a couple of dozen, to the point where it felt like my entire day was kind of … magical, for lack of a better word.
I also had more energy than I have had in eons — and this despite I’m eating horribly which usually renders me nearly inert. I was also doing better at just sitting very calmly, not needing to be doing something. The last time I was able to be this ‘centered’ was probably 15 years ago.
This afternoon, I was sitting on my bed, and I was going to do another meditation — hopefully on the 8 of Disks, which is taking forever to get to, it seems like! — and I sat here relaxed for a little bit, and then I realized something kind of offbeat: I could FEEL the “messy dirty confusing forgotten chaotic energy” of the contents of a couple of the big drawers under my captain’s bed (there are 12 drawers, only 2 are in that state).
To a lesser degree, I could feel a little of that with my closet across from me as well.
I resisted the urge to clean them. Once in awhile I do feel like cleaning but I usually stay still until that urge goes away. 😉 Right then I was giving the computer to the kid, so I went out to the living room and sat on the tiny (loveseat) cheap sofa, and just calmly looked out the window for awhile.
Then I realized that the room was not balanced. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t look right either, but the feel was a slightly bigger deal. I have a weight (squat) cage and a couple benches in there, and a small ‘breakfast nook’ sized table, aside from my big long rectangle dining table, a glider rocker and the loveseat and a couple minor things. The big cage needed to go over by the window. The little round table should go closer to the hallway, under the pretty picture. To a more subtle degree, I could ‘feel’ the energy of the living room as I had the bedroom. I sat there for awhile more, just considering it.
I considered just moving it around. I am not generally inspired like this unless I’ve had a long time of eating really well so have a good deal of energy, but oddly I did. Not the “leap up and go” energy, but a very steady, “fully sufficient” feeling. Oh that reminds me, also, I had an early dinner that was so horrible in carbs, sugar and gluten it’s unspeakable, and I should have had a blood sugar drop to leave me asleep half an hour later (20-40 minutes) but I didn’t have any of that, and that was just ODD. I mean it’s like my body has just not been operating like it normally does today. And all in better, good ways, so I’m not complaining, just commenting on the oddity.
I got up and began moving the living room around. It required some cleaning and some vacuuming and so on. I was about 30% through when I had to go into the bathroom to put some stuff away, and I realized that the drawers were bothering me. Yes that would be the 5 large and 6 small cubic rectangle stacking plastic drawers that were closed and really not in my way at all. And yet… it was just wrong. They just should not be like that, feel like that. So I had to take a detour, and I spent awhile emptying out every drawer, and then literally cleaning them, and then putting things in drawers according to their natures, until it was completely clean and organized. Then I opened the medicine cabinet, and that just had to be dealt with. Something must have spilled in there, it was so yucky — I am almost never in it — and I made that nice and neat. (Along the way I threw a bunch of crap away, of course.) Cleaned off the counter and felt much better. I was bothered that the drawers and cupboard of the sink’s cabinet were not clean, but I felt I’d done enough.
So I went back to the living room and finished the bulk of that. I had the kid take apart the now-empty aerogardens (5 of them) and I sat down with spray cleaner and paper towels and cleaned them all and wrapped the bulbs in padded washcloths and put everything in two boxes. We will dig them out again in about 3 months for some winter fresh stuff, but we’re weary of it for now. I finished everything I could do, and sat back down to evaluate it. It bothered me that the big bookshelf had not been gone through — it needs another good parsing — but I felt it was acceptable for now.
Through the day all those “this is of the Queen” things were occurring — the things I can’t remember, to tell you about them, that drives me crazy — and when I finally sat down at the end of the evening I thought, you know, I think the Queen is just way more present in me now, and bottom line, she refuses to live in squalor. Maybe she is more ‘aware’ and that is why something as obscure as a drawer out of sight is bothersome; now I just feel the chaos of it. It’s like it doesn’t “match” me anymore. Like previously it had some place in me but now it doesn’t, so I feel the wrongness, and it needs to change to match me.
I did sleep a good bit today as well. I can’t remember anything I dreamed now. But I remember when I first awoke I was feeling like it was all very meaningful.
The day is over, past over, I need to sleep as I have to get up before long. I forgot something I was supposed to do today online and need to do it tomorrow. But I feel so… calm. Good natured. I feel like everything is as it should be. Everything is as it has chosen to be. Like the whole world no matter how strange or chaotic its shapes, is actually quite sensible, and is the embodiment of its own design.