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Last night I had an entire list of things to get through.

First my neck, which felt weird and achy the entire day. Even if it is somehow related to IG’s stuff (not sure), it’s still a bother. Can’t remember what that was, in experience.

Then the issue with insurance, which in archmed was two gaping holes in an elevated level of ground, the look and shape of short car skid marks. Got a little rush from that once it was done.

Then the delay in my bonus at work, I forget that too.

Then the issue with the girl K, and then the sensei issue, don’t remember those either.

If I don’t blog promptly stuff’s just gone.

I intended to do a little chakra focus but that ended up taking a long time and a few separate attempts. I was busy with life, so would have to come back to the next one later. Each was much more “personal” feeling than the chakra exercises I used to do circa 15 years ago when I was doing hands-on energy work.

It feels more like when I talk to the Aeons in a way, except more… affection than personalization.

I had a repeating sense, that kept surprising me, on my throat chakra, as if this was shaped like one of those giant wooden spools they use for city-level electrical cords.  Like two round flat disks joined in the middle by a short cylinder tube which was right where my lower throat is.

When I finally reached the kundalini chakra, the moment I focused on it, I could feel my crown. As if it were pulling inward on it. Every time I focused on the K or on both, I had the crown physical sensation, which was nice feedback.

Then it was time for the Aeons and Bolehren. Now, I’d done a tantric bout with Hot Amanakhaton the other day which had great ‘Queen-effects’ the whole day.  I did a ‘lite’ version of that with Ithikah, I didn’t see any real merge effect from that, nor increase of awareness of him/her/it (I don’t actually know what Ithikah “is” except “a shape”, but I thought of it as male for the exercise). But Bolehren, I had to have a talk with about it.

I’m just not into women, I explained to her, which makes the tantric thing tough for me with an Aeon that is female. I can be all sensual, I can be intimate, but right now at least, the sex thing? — I just can’t really get into that. So how do I get better integrated with you, share a lot of energy with you, that sort of thing?

She ‘soaked into’ my body so that we were ‘sharing’ a perspective. She said to ‘wear’ her, to remind myself of the ‘sense of her’ and our ‘shared perspective’. Then she wanted me to DO stuff. Anything, really. Just stuff. Use the body, the attention.

Well, she asked. It was late, and I was tired. I walked around a bit; used the restroom; went to the kitchen and washed something in the sink; drank something. I actually felt very comfortable and close with her at this point but also felt I hadn’t really had enough time with her. She suggested I work on keeping her ‘with’ me all day today.

Somewhere in there, I had the impression, as I was told eons ago in a med, that my own effort to make something happen inside, to “reach” the Four in the previous example, was an important part of the result, that sometimes it was hard for a reason.[1]

I was going to do the 9 of Disks and asked her what we should do about that. Should I un-merge? What if she didn’t have the degree of… absorption I did or something, would that limit the result? What if it was something she wasn’t ready for? What if…? She felt that I should consider this much like I consider the healing question. IF someone is ‘with me’ at the time I am to do a certain energy work, then just assume that is how it is to be, for both sides, and c’est la vie.

So we were doing the meditation together. Before IG had given us anything, I started giggling. I swear it felt like we were kids in a sleepover trying to be still and quiet because it’s bedtime, and stifling giggles so mom doesn’t get annoyed.

As we worked through the stuff from IG, I kept having all these bizarre spontaneous memories. Stuff I have not thought of probably since the time they happened, really really old stuff. Like what someone said to me one day when I was 18, or a situation from many years ago. Now, although I do get anything from energy via memory to occasional wandering, this was different.

After about the 8th thing, I realized that in a weird way they all had a certain thing in common. A genre, you might say. They all related to my relationship with another person(s). Most were things I didn’t feel had gone well in some fashion. I realized that as this is what Bolehren’s energy relates to, at least in part as I was previously told, that this was like her being ‘sparked’ by the work we were doing, as opposed to me. Well, yes it is me, but you might say, the sector of me that overlaps with and/or is composed of her.

I wasn’t sure if IG was giving me something prior to the 9 of Disks and wished I’d asked. I had the feeling she wasn’t going to be volunteering what I was doing in the middle of the med for some reason. We were in this cool desert landscape and we saw an igloo in the distance. We went into it and this very homely small dark man was in it. We worked with him for a bit. But then fell asleep I think. I don’t even think we got near the 9 of Disks.

I am blaming this on her. 😉

***

[1] The Moth Drama.

I have been sleeping a full 6-8 hours at night, sometimes  a little more, and SO sleepy for it. This is one reason why I have “no time” lately — because my normal chronic self-imposed sleep deprivation is just not working at all. For what feels like hours, as I was too sleepy to wake up fully or do anything, this major fluttering was going on in my window.

The window was broken years ago by my ex and the kid. It needs a new pane and has never been fixed. Right now an ancient cat-door is nailed under the bottom of the raised window, and clear plastic and clear tape are over the broken part above. It looks terrible. And I had to close the storm window, which creates a three inch space between them that is mostly filled with spiders and webs and various unlucky bugs. More important to the current moment, I am unable to do anything with it. I cannot get to the latches to lift the outer storm window, I can’t lift the inner window, nothing. Talk about bad Feng Shui.

We’ve had big rains and at some point a moth — a beautiful yellow-wing, white-body moth with a good 7 inch wingspan — went under the aluminum awnings that stick out over the top of the windows (to reduce sun in summer and storm effects in winter) to get out of the rain, and ended up falling into that five foot deep, 3 inch wide crevass of clear windows. I suppose the good news is that all the spiders in there, some large, are dead. The bad news is, there’s a reason for that. By the time I got up, barely functional with tired for some reason, the poor thing had been struggling for several hours I think.

Off and on this morning it has been a major drama trying to help this damn moth escape. It has gotten itself trapped in the many thick webs. I can’t reach it. I have been using a long point-tail comb, a chopstick, and a fondue fork, to try and reach around the corner of the cat-door opening, over to the side, and help it get free. I’d hoped that if I could get it into the house through the cat door, I could find a way to get it out the bathroom window (which has no screen) right across from my bedroom. Somehow. It really tries and then has to rest, utterly exhausted.

My heart chakra may be a little overactive at the moment… I have cried three times during this process. I have railed in my frustration. I had given up, in hurt fury and self-loathing at my incompetence and responsibility for a beautiful creature’s death, when I typed the above about how sometimes it’s supposed to be hard, when that made me feel like it was a message and I went back to trying to solve this problem.

I am frightened and grossed out by that area and reaching into it, and the spider corpses one of which is terrifyingly large, and I can’t really SEE what the problem is with it. I have managed to get it out of several webs, pulling them away from it, kind of  cutting through them when attached. I’m clearly uptight because I keep feeling or seeing some tiny thing, totally separate from the moth now like when doing something else, and screeching and jumping about 6″ up and my heart pounds. Good grief.

I poured an empty soft drink can of water into the window sill which helped a bunch, earlier, kind of drenching tons of dried webs and leaves and stuff. I’ve been able to gently lift it up on a fine comb and I was able, dragging some terrible combination of crap I don’t even want to know what it was, that it was caught in, to drag it over to the center right in front of the cat door I taped open, inward, in the hopes that fluttering would find its way out, and I got it loose.

But I can’t tell… if it is still trapped, or if one of the horrible looking ‘spider legs’ looking things in there belong to IT and it lost them somehow in struggling… or what. It keeps putting itself back into the same impossible position at the far side I can’t reach. I have finally given up. It is exhausted and injured and only half-heartedly trying at this point. I don’t know what else I can do for it.

Now I could dig out my tools from the back room and I could unscrew the entire cat window and take that thing out, probably dropping half the utter-grossness of the windowsill into my room, and I could then open the outer window, and I would have a serious issue with keeping the room sealed, and in stormy weather no less. I don’t think that would help it at this point anyway, because it seems to be free of everything, yet … not functioning right. Or just really stupid (probably that too).

The situation has convinced me to get that damn window fixed. Too late. I feel like psychologically, I made it into a sort of analogy to some part of me, some small beautiful fluttering thing trapped, surrounded by all the gross horror of dust, dirt, rotting things and terrible insects that the worst meditations have, and I felt like successfully saving this thing would be like a ‘living’ meditation, working with energy in regular life not just in my head. But since I am failing utterly at it, that just makes it a bad thing, that I grafted all that on.

So I am just sitting here, ready to go to work now, grieving over the lovely thing dying four feet from me, and mad at myself for not making “enough” effort, or doing it right or well enough, to save it. I “feel” for it with such compassion. Aspects inside me are arguing.

If that was a cat trapped in there (impossible but that’s not the point), would you do a major tool-based ripping that area apart to save it?

Yes of course.

Why not a moth?

Well it’s just a bug. A really big beautiful bug, but just a bug.

So… the value of life is based on size?

Well no of course not.

Bugs aren’t alive?

Well of course they are.

So it isn’t life that has value, it’s just what you find pettable?

Gahhhh!

I tried yet again, this time with a cleverly rigged combination of fine comb and chopstick and duck tape. But there is something over at the far side of the window I can’t see well and it insists on being underneath it. That didn’t work either.

***

Emma came home. She was a feral cat that showed up on the porch as a kitten and ‘bonded’ to my old man Cosmos, the black cat with one white star on chest and at this point, fangs so long he looks like a vampire. I could never catch her. By the time I got a good, big, humane trap, she was pregnant. I was able to drag her into the house during birthing and she lived indoors for 9 weeks with the kitties which I found homes for. (And then missed *horribly* ever since.) I spent over $300 on her in vet bills and then getting her spayed. And then I put her out on the porch and she disappeared. I’d payed the vet to have her a whole week for the spay so she could be released onto the porch, because after 10 weeks she still wouldn’t let me pet her except a tiny bit while eating, and I didn’t want to have to try and catch her again in the house, which was a major trauma for both of us.

I felt badly about it because I didn’t know if one of my other cats chased her off and she was now starving, or what. But she just turned up day before yesterday and is eating with the other cats and being all lovey to the Cos man. So she is ok, that is good. I feel better about that. I sure do miss having a kitty to love on in the house.

I’m cooking a burger patty for breakfast. I feel like I ought to be eating decently. Usually I am not driven back to doing this except by horrible health symptoms and zero physical energy. I actually feel more ‘normal’ than I have in 20 years, just since that day with the Queen. More casual body energy, more clarity. But it seems like treating myself decently is a no-brainer so I’m going to make a better attempt.

P

[Edited later as fyi: I eventually got the moth out. It was a huge lovely creature, but didn’t move much, I put it in a little open box and looked it up on google; they don’t eat. It died later that day I think. I did a small meditation as part of its ad-hoc funeral to absorb its energy into me as an honor to us both.]