Friday 14APR2012 Midnight Mass with IG
I told myself it was only some belief system that was making things so much harder to get to. Like the previous day had been too easy. I had fallen asleep earlier and woke up late for our appointment. She’s some kind of angel-thing. She probably doesn’t even perceive time like I do, I assured myself, as I tried to wake up enough to sit up and do some breathing and cleansing prep. I showed up, but I had the impression she was telling me to take the time it took to get myself calm and centered and ready. So I did. And spaced out a few times but got myself back to her.
Some energy form like an archetype was part of the evening. It was like an extremely angular thing, almost like part of a outer-triangle (I mean empty in the middle) and some other stuff, that was only half-a-thing. Like half done. Like it hadn’t grown the rest of the way. I was reminded, by the feel of it, of this one experience I had with IG where I saw these shapes and was told some were thoughtforms that were still new and incompletely grown. I had a hard time perceiving it and I did all the basic stuff with it, and I felt way, way too much of myself especially the back right lower part of my head, go with the elements, but still when I was done, I couldn’t perceive it, maybe even less than I could to start with. I got lost several times, wandering in thought.
I had a number of… sort of like daydreams except they weren’t from me, but not like dreamlings either, they were more like “teaching stories” you might say, where I interacted from first-person perspective, and then someone in me would talk with me about what I learned. I don’t remember any of these except one. And this one wasn’t a whole situation as most had been, it was just this super-brief little thing:
I was looking at the wall of my room (not with my physical eyes) when this breach in the wall occurred and a few liquid lines of thick color began sort of oozing through. It felt appropriate to manifest a rag and go wipe that up promptly. In this moment, that felt as normal and “just like” a number of other things, including the tendency of crap to pile up all around me (clutter), including how things get dirty even though you don’t “make” them dirty (like windows and how dust accumulates). I understood that if one wanted to live in a decent house, you just had to keep up on this stuff.
It is your environment ownership-wise, and you have to basically re-assert your utter ownership of this regularly, it is a bit “territorial” just like the jungle. I had this greater understanding, then, that this was important because those energies affected one, and so if you just let the world you’re in start piling up, dusting out, bleeding through, etc. you’d be the one suffering even if you weren’t aware of it. And then I had what suddenly felt like the “third level” which had its own understanding, as if each level came with one, and it said in actual words inside me:
REALITY REQUIRES UPKEEP.
Then I was aware of sitting next to IG again and I understood that the sense of the colors oozing through my wall that had to be cleaned up were just basically symbolic of energy, and that because our reality is a complete jungian stew of energy, we are always-but-always going to have things that will be moving in and out of our territory and encroaching on it with their own needs. And that part of self-definition required keeping one’s sense of personal space (in my case my bedroom) ‘clean’ energetically. Part of self control is environmental control, they are different but they are actually related, I sense.
I was reminded of a med with Senior where it was just an old castle tower of sorts, with the stones at the bottom messed up from this grass that had literally grown between them and helped split them apart. And I’d understood then that some energy, it is alive and it keeps moving, and if you ignore it, it’s not that it ignores you or doesn’t bother you, it’s that it will grow into parts of you and be destructive, destabilizing. You can’t sleep forever; you gotta pay attention to such things and deal with them. This felt a little like that. A degree of ongoing maintenance is necessary.
At some point I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing much and would do better asleep and I was sleepy, so I moved into that position and let it happen. I don’t remember my dreams.
I woke up early for storms, then slept briefly before re-awakening. I remembered pieces of the dream I’d had there. For me, usually I either remember things decently at least in part, or I don’t remember them at all. This I remembered but poorly which is a little unusual. I was experiencing reality where probabilities kept changing, and everyone in the reality was ‘adapting’ to this occurrence.
It actually has an analogy in this world, google documents or gdocs as we call them at work. You can have multiple people in a spreadsheet at the same time. Everything everyone does is saved. This causes things to just pop into and out of existence regularly because of what someone else did, and it causes sometimes a return to ‘home’ on the doc because the view you had is so changed it’s kind of a refresh.
In that world, separately, I remember being in this place that had ‘rooms’ and there was one room (all full) and another I knew of at a distance, where people went to mourn their animals. I had this imaginative visual of tons of people stuffed in this room, with various dead animals in their arms, grieving and wailing. I don’t know what this relates too–had nothing to do with the rest of the dream–but I went and spent a few hours with my kitties on the porch today partly in reaction to that.
Then another part of the dream had this guy who was akin to superman sort of. Just in terms of being human but more and really ‘good and powerful’. There was a different man in charge who was a ‘controller’. (I just just got lots of merge-rushing from thinking myself back to that again.) There was a woman there who could see the future. There were quite a few other people, and every time one of them made a decision or did something significant, it would “update the shared reality” of sorts, which we could observe by this interesting pattern on the wall that changed.
Each time it changed, the superman would evaluate what had occurred, and then often would have to try and use his great power of attention to make another change that would ‘correct’ what had occurred, if it was not helpful but instead harmful. It was a little exasperating, because all these people didn’t have a freaking clue, they didn’t understand that their own honor and decisions affected them completely let alone us, the greater conglomerate they were part of.
At one point near the very end, there was some quiet but underlying competition between the official controller and the superman. The controller told the superman that he was basing his control on the future. And he indicated at the woman, who then got this super vivid shocking red pulsing light in the middle of her head, as if that’s what he meant. This was clearly an ajna chakra thing in the dream, the impact it had, but it actually was nothing at all like the 3rd eye chakra and instead was a whole lot like the kundalini chakra, but in the head in a way that reminded me of a futurized robot like from a movie.
The superman got rather upset and half insisted, half pleaded, with him not to do that, that it was not the way this was supposed to work, as if it was important to have an experience and evaluate and learn and course correct, and that simply sitting at a desk not even participating but controlling based on someone else telling you the future, was just wrong for all of us.
Well I woke up feeling decent. I showered, got dressed and went outside and sat on the bench on my front porch and read a book for a few hours, petting the kitties who sat on me and beside me. I was surprised how much time had passed reading, it’s been awhile. Then I remembered this stuff, and thought maybe I should blog it, if for no other reason than to record I did do the mass with IG.
I am working on being more consistent.
Yesterday I napped briefly. I dreamed and again, I barely remember pieces. It was clearly symbolic and badly translated, as it makes no sense on recall. But it had a message that was disturbing. There was a tall building of many stories. There was a group of young men like college age. There was a much older man who was wicked. There were other older men who were very smart and accomplished, whom the wicked man did not like. He had “cult-ified” the young men who began killing off these other men for him. They did it in rituals. It happened on this one floor of the building. The guy had rigged the elevator so that the level was invisible to all but his people and in order for it to show up at all, you had to slide into this space (like a credit card slot) a small thick slice of cheese. When you did this, and you had to do it right at this real small space of certain floors like between here and there, the elevator panel would get this image of a cartoon mouse, and then it would stop at that final place you had to do it right before, which was where it would let them into that level to do their evil deeds. I don’t recall what else was in the dream but when I woke up I had a sentence very clearly in my head as if it were what was important about the dream. It was:
Cheese let the poisons in.
I’ve read about how gluten proteins work–as a master key unlocking many parts of the digestive tubing that are specific to other kinds of proteins, which not only lets the gluten molecules in but lets other molecules in, and all these act as radicals in those inappropriate areas designed for other different molecules. The body develops antibodies to protect itself from those molecules being there, and then a person ends up reactive to all kinds of normal foods that they don’t really have any problem with except for that. Then no matter what they eat sometimes, they get inflammation from it, which causes cellular level pain, which can cause cravings for drug-foods that have neural effects to relieve pain at that level (such as, ironically, wheat), or actual pain if the person has some disorders like arthitis, or depending on genetics some things may be stored in fat for ‘protection’, etc.
In that particular model, the analogy of the dream seems clear. A real long tube things moved through, which if you put one thing in at a certain place would “open up” another place right after that, where something could go in and do bad things, seems very much like a gluten dream, except that this message was clearly about cheese. I know some people have dairy issues. I know I have an addictive-reaction to milk that makes it clear I do somewhat. The problem is, cheese is my favorite food in the universe next to gluten-foods which I cannot eat. And nearly all of my “adaptive” eating with lower-carb and non-gluten, has involved cheese or it feels like I wouldn’t have been able to adapt at all. So the idea of not eating cheese, I find horrifying. Oddly I had barely eaten any before the dream happened.
Ry and I had a philosophical debate about whether the dream was an actual message to me from my body. She won, with the idea that it is.
Ironically I just got this brand new toaster oven. And got a lucky break, it was $89 and the day I received it from UPS (the day of the dream), amazon took it offline and then reposted it for $40 more. I had the dream right after I saw that I had gotten it and had thought about what I wanted to make in it, so maybe that’s why. The first half dozen foods I’ve been so excitedly wanting to try in it, all have cheese. Aside from gluten-free cinnamon-toast, and GF spice cake which I’ve had sitting here in a mix for 4 months and not yet tried, I didn’t have anything else planned or looked forward to in it. So that is rather depressing! I seriously doubt I will manage to stay away from cheese short of being possessed by someone better than me at food discipline. But I’m going to do for at least a few days, dairy too while I’m at, gluten as well for sure, sigh. Maybe I could get it mostly-out of my diet by limiting it to 2 days a week or something. Still, even when both lowcarb and gluten free, there is not very much I eat that does not have cheese in it. This is truly the most depressing dream I have had in years.
Oh I almost forgot: while sitting on the porch with the kitties this morning I thought of another interesting use for the sword: using the long reflective surface as a ‘meter’ of sorts to show me how much, how strong, or other ‘measurable’ elements, something had. Like in an archmed I once made “meters” to show me the ‘comparative-to-mine’ power, and intent, of creatures around me. And this mental tool can be used well when doing healing type stuff. That is a very different approach–using the length and shine to convey info, is a long way from stabbing something. I guess maybe there are more options for any given thing than I had given credit for. So that’s… 11 ideas now for ways in which to use it.
- Using it to hack away perceived blockages to ‘seeing something clearly’, as if it were brush.
- Using it like the books of magic, to ‘point the way’ to something.
- Using it to ‘reach into’ something I feared and sort of magically spear something just on the point and bring it out.
- Using it to dig a hole into the ground, although I sensed it was in ice or something really hard, to get to something blocked.
- Knighting good things I want more of, more power and recognition?
- Very large/dense energy collections… sliced up and dealt with piecemeal
- Cut through ‘attachment’ to things I don’t want to be so connected to
- Physical Tek body stuff?
- Intentionally ‘battle’ with things one has an issue with
- Resistance to … spiritual evolution, novel information and communication, release of inharmonic energies, full integration with LaeLee … where resistance are cords that could be cut
- The blade as a reflective ‘meter’ measuring things
I also had this interesting memory/overlay of sorts. I remembered the 3rd, as I had once seen him, digging fiercely on the side of a mountain, it was solid ice it seemed and he was casting off whole sheets of ice, trying to get underneath to something he knew was there. At one point he looked at me, and I understood that he “deeply loved” whatever he was digging for. It was this which was my formal introduction to the Queen, as it turned out. Well I had this odd sense that maybe he had actually been digging with a sword. And then I remembered that when I wrote down how it could be used for digging, I had the sense of ice or something really hard. I guess that’s trivial. This kind of sync matters only to me…
I have made the work to visualize the golden statue of the Four, and Bloom, and to ‘allow awareness’ of Sierpienta. Today I thought about having it in my hands and it was there, again with that sense of being slightly more than all-me on the effort, and it felt right to “breathe with it” like I do the aeons, where I breathe that energy in and out and then I am in them and vice-versa, and I got a whole lot of archetype-style rushing from doing this with the thought-form sword (Sierpienta), which I find kind of interesting. To me, this suggests that even if it is a creative hallucination of sorts, that as a psychological construct, some part of me is still getting something good out of it.
I can feel here that I am attempting to distance myself from this because it feels crazy to be talking about thoughtforms. Even though in theory that’s what the entire blog is about I suppose. But talking about my invisible sword, the invisible plant, the invisible statue, makes me sound like a raving lunatic and my left brain is having some trouble with “how far out of norm” this is. At least most stuff STAYS in the head. It doesn’t invade the space of the “ordinary world.” That stuff gets harder to … explain.