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It’s been an ongoing challenge, attempting to break free of the simplistic limitations of my meditation format, without simply replacing that model with something else just as limited.

I work to “let go” of some assumptions, only to find myself lost, because I don’t have any assumptions.

I’ve had cause to see, for example, that my Steinbrecher model was workable, a good start, but humorously limited and simple. So much so, that there aren’t any words for how much so. I wanted to let go of that.

I’ve had cause to see that certain assumptions I carried were interfering with what IG could do with me. For example that I expected everything to be a surprise in some “novel” fashion. If anything were to come through as something obviously symbolic, it wouldn’t be surprising and novel, and I would reject it. Since this work is all about symbolic, that has been a problem.

Or, it just had to be “cool.” Dragon symbol: ok. Fairy symbol: not ok. Sheesh.

I’ve had another “sponsored insight” as I call them, about this. I was attempting to meditate on Princess of Wands Tarot (still not successfully). I was carefully keeping out all ‘structure’, attempting to ‘allow anything’ even though I have no idea what anything might BE.

Currently, due to my 11 months of mostly ignoring this topic, I can’t perceive IG at all. I’m working in the dark but I assume she is there, and it’s only my obliviousness.

So I was waiting, and then I was mentioning to IG that I trusted she was really there working with me, and I suddenly realize that I missed something. That I had a whole “visual scenario” presented to me, I was observing it, and then I dismissed it out of hand, before it even got to my conscious mind. I stopped, rewound, and considered it.

I was on a bus, like a schoolbus or city bus. A girl around 12 was sitting in the bench-chair across from me. Standing behind her was something sort of human-shaped, but it was also mechanical and beastly and more, a little of everything. Its shoulders were huge and its head nearly touched the ceiling and it had its hands on her shoulders firmly.

But this is so… well, so clear, I thought to myself. Why would I have rejected this?—wait. I know. This isn’t archetype stuff, of course.

I had to think about that for a bit. The Aeons and IG ‘helped’.

What came of some back&forth was this:

I have a hard lock on what is “this” reality vs. what is “in my head.” It’s a fundamental defensive measure I’m sure I don’t have to explain. There is this reality out-here, and there is that reality in-there. They do not get mixed up, I am not crazy, the worlds are quite separate. Too separate unfortunately, that is probably my biggest problem still after all these years is lack of integration.

In dreaming, un-conscious dreaming, a great deal of our symbolic modeling happens with elements from our reality. This is not surprising since this is probably the majority of the material available in our heads for our minds to work with, this is the mass component of our ‘database’ you might say.

In archetype work, conscious dreaming, I have prevented most of this. When there is any element from “my reality” it is only allowed as a tiny element and only if the overall context I am within is definitely not reality-based.

I was shown a sort of review of a lot of my meditations over time. A whole lot of towers and monsters and the majority of the time, a landscape you might best think of as the alternate history earth that fantasy books are prone to live in. I appear in a forest. I walk down dirt roads. There are old fashioned houses, and castles. When I have any element of ‘my’ exterior world, it is a little bit generic, or it’s only within the context of a larger definitely-not-reality environment I’m working within.

I might be meditating from 20th century America but somehow everything in my head looks like Middle Earth. And any minute some Tolkien-esque creature — or something “bizarre” like red cubes — might appear.  Or, it will look like science fiction, some alien, foreign or distant planet, and any minute, who knows what might appear.

But what would NOT appear, would be any common scenario like a real dream might have the majority of the time. Like a scenario that makes you feel like you’re in “the” world, the exterior world. Like riding a bus. Because that is not in the “this-is-the-interior-world,” that is disturbingly like “this-is-the-mundane-world,” and apparently until now, in my head, never the ‘twain shall meet.

It is disturbingly like A DREAM. It isn’t necessarily interesting. Or weird. It just ‘is’. It’s just the framework that the mind used to help us work through some energy. Of course in an archmed it’s the ultimate lucid dream.

One of the many names for this work is ‘conscious dreaming’. Yet I see now that I have prevented it being anything of the sort. I have placed a very strong filter against everything except what could fit into a fantasy/scifi framework. Anything that looked like this reality in any way was considered a daydream and brushed aside brusquely without even registering with my conscious mind.

I saw that IG could make me any number of environments to work with energy but the bandwidth of what I have been willing to accept is so ridiculously limited, that it restrained her to exactly the tiny box of expectation that I am trying to get out of.

I feel a little bit of stress in stomach area I recognize as fear, related to this. Much like my day in WalMart where I worked on being ‘open’ to info like an archmed, taught me the severe boundaries my mind enforces, this is the same thing from the other side.  It’s not merely that I don’t let the esoteric through to the real world environments. It’s that I don’t let the real world through to the esoteric environments, either.

It’s not a secret to me that for the last 20 years of ‘metaphysical development’ my biggest issue has been integration: I am either all-about the esoteric or all-about something else like work and there is no middle ground, no overlap, and very little bleed-through. There are two completely separate worlds, and my ability to keep them so, I feel is partly why I’ve been able to stay very ‘functional’ in the real world. The other-me is weird. The worker, the writer, is the normal one.

I think this separation of worlds is part of a defensive instinct, and a definition of self/identity. In a way, nearly 20 years ago when my teacher was attempting to get this work through my skeptic’s brain, it wasn’t really that I opened up and allowed it. It was more like, in keeping with my hypnotic ability to “partition myself,” I simply created a piece of me which would allow “the weird illogical stuff.” There was a degree, a little path, of open border between them that has allowed growth in both areas and a small degree of sharing.

But I guess it’s reached the point where it’s not just that I need to mergewith archetypes, I need to merge with myself. Let the real-world me and the archetype-world me become one.

Maybe that was the first requirement on really diving into serious, dedicated work with IG last December. Maybe that is why my reality supported my sudden decision to do nothing but work. I don’t just mean work a lot. I mean literally work every waking hour a day, and some that should have been sleep, 7 days a week, for months and months and months. I guess that is rather extreme, now that I think about it. OK, that is totally extreme. Nobody works 20 hours a day for nearly a year but combat soldiers.

Maybe it was in part my avoidance of this very thing, which I now come back to. In order to let my meditations be “whatever they can be,” I need to let ME, my sense of identity and self, be whatever it can be.

I will work on this. Mostly in prayer. Here’s hoping I can ‘allow’.


Update March 2012: I forgot this post existed till now, updating blog categories I just found it. I got to the next major version/ insight about all this in Accidental Religion: Meditation Paradigms.